Alright one more before I go to bed. lol.

I went back in the archives to try and find a post where I was talking good about Keith, and I found a few, but I also found were right from the beginning I wasn't sure if he liked me, or at least as much as I liked him and I was wondering if he cared about me. I know before I broke up w/ Kenny I never questioned if Keith wanted to be w/ me or if he cared, cuz he always told me. However about a week after we started going out or so, that all changed. That's when he started to act different. I was kinda shocked that this all started way back then. I guess after I decided to go out w/ him that was it. He had won so to speak.

I was hoping I would be able to find a guy who wouldn't play games and stuff. Ya know like how guys think that if a girl gives them a "real" kiss on the first date, they are easy. I mean what's w/ that? A guy will try to get laid every chance he gets, but if a girl likes sex or wants to have sex or just feels like cutting through the crap then she loses respect and potential for something more. I don't know I guess I never wanted to believe that it was really all about if a girl put out on the first date that guys would just not care after that, but who knows maybe it is all about the games. I guess I need to learn the rules. It just seems so idiotic. It doesn't make sense, ok he's hot and we had a great time, and I feel some chemistry so I feel like having sex, why does that make me any less of a person than the guy I am sleeping w/. Do guys still live in the 20's where the female orgasm is a myth? I don't know I am just in a really pissy mood today and I think it's a fucking joke that I should be looked down upon if I decide I want to have sex, no matter what date it's on. That seems so damn shallow of guys. Oh wait.....now I get it. jk. I know not all guys are like that (there's always Ross who doesn't sleep w/ girls on the first date to fuck w/ their head. lol. you know I love you anyway Ross) I don't know I just don't get all the "tests" and the mind games. I am who I say I am and it's insulting that if I want a boyfriend I have to play games to get him to like me. See I am back to the whole not wanting to deal w/ men ever again. Could someone please explain to me the "rules" of dating and I already know that when a guy says "there are no rules" that that is complete bullshit and he just wants sex on the first date. Maybe if I date ever again I will just do this shit to guys and if I sleep w/ them on the first date, I won't call them. oh wait that's right they will already not be calling me. I guess I am looking back on the few dates that I had before Kenny and Keith and ya know it's like either I slept w/ the one's (ok there were only 2 that I thought were really great) that were really great, or when I just needed to get laid, and they never called (only care about the first set, not the sec) but the one's I don't sleep w/ want to be serious after one date. I mean is that the only test that guys have to see if a girl is girlfriend material. I mean like I said there were only a few dates, but that's what I gathered from them. I really don't know if I would want to put the emotional effort into a guy and then he sucks in bed. Been there done that and I couldn't break up w/ a guy just because he was bad in bed. But then again if it's only the one date. Nah I guess I just need to raise my standards for guys. I thought I was picking the nice and thoughtful ones, but obviously I don't wait long enough to see past the games they play when they are just trying to "win." I don't know I am tired and crabby. gotta sleep. So how long does it take for a guy to stop playing games? Is there a general time limit? or is it just until after they get laid?

Alright well I am really bored. I went to sleep at 530 and then Marisa called and then my grams, who wanted to know if I got her halloween card. lol.

I was thinking when I was making supper that I just don't ever want to deal w/ guys again. EVER. But then when I was eating I was reading this blog about this guy who is dating 3 or more girls at once (long story) and he was talking about this one girl, saying she was everything he was looking for and all that. I remembered John was telling me how his girlfriend is his dream girl and I started crying because I want a guy like that. I want someone to talk about me like that or at least think of me like that. Most of it (the crying at least) was pmsing but still I do want that. I am such a romantic. There were 2 things that made me just fall head over heals for Keith, one I am not going to mention cuz it's dirty, ;-) although I might have mentioned it before, but (well I guess there were 3) on our second date I wore my favorite boots, and there was snow on the ground, well to cut the story short, he picked me up to put me in his truck so I wouldn't ruin the boots, to me that was so sweet and so thoughtful (mmm and manly) and then on our first date this guy came up to me and was in my face, and completely wasted well I automatically grabbed Keith's arm for protection and I have never done that w/ anyone else, I haven't felt such a sense of security since my mom died, there hasn't been anyone to protect me. I thought those 3 things showed me what kind of person he was, and how he would treat me, and those three things represent what I want in someone, fun and adventureous and good in bed, kind and thoughtful and caring, and someone who could make me feel safe and manly but still sweet and all that. (Anyway there's alot more things that I liked about him and that I want but those are the biggest I think.) But anyway, I know it hurts his feelings when I talk bad about him on here, but if I need to vent this is where I go, and he knows that, he looks for the times when I vent about him so he can have something to point to. I used to talk him up on here sooo much, but then stuff changed and I wasn't getting the same treatment returned. I wanted to be everything for him I guess, that might sound weird, but like I want to be sexy for him, and do sexy things, and I wanted to cook him dinner and do his laundry and all that for him (and you know how I hate to clean, but I wanted to do it for him, to make his life easier cuz it's so hectic) and I wanted to be there for him and do romantic things for him and I thought I would get to be romantic w/ him (which I hadn't been w/ any one else, or even wanted to be all those things for anyone else) but soon it seemed like he just didnt like it ya know, like he was just tolerating it for me. I don't mean really mushy stuff either (ok maybe some cuddling) but I mean touching him just to touch him, like my favorite thing he did was when we would lay in bed and watch tv, his foot would always be touching mine, it sounds weird, but I would never let Kyle anywhere near me w/ his feet, but when Keith touches me my heart jumps even if it's just our feet resting against each other and I was hoping that he would want to do the same kind of stuff in return. I don't know, see I am pmsing. uuuggghhh! I don't know I guess it could all go in a circle. He could probably say well you started bitching about me and all that. oh well I am not trying to pass the blame or anything, blame isn't important. I guess maybe I just need to get this off my chest a bit.

Thank you for callling Hotel _________ a ________ hotel, Elisha speaking how may I help you

I figured while Katisha is on break I will put another post up because I am bored. We always work next to each other, and everyone commments on how are names rhyme. lol. they all think it's so cute. One person asked if we were sisters, (she's black and I am beyond pasty white...lol...we laughed) There was this one really bitchy woman earlier. oh she ticked me off for a sec. I was talking to the people ahead of her, who were from Tennessee (my grams is from Tennessee so we were talking about that, it's my job to build raport w/ the guests, plus they were so sweet) Well they leave after a few moments and this woman comes up, I get all her stuff ready and I ask her how her stay was. She replied "It was perfect until the wait" I thought she said wake so I was about to offer my condolences, but I wanted to make sure I heard her right and I said "a wake?" she said "no, the wait...just now while you chatted." I mean come on, what am I supposed to do be like ok we got your money get out of my face, I should have w/ her. I mean it wasn't like I was talking to someone behind the counter and ignoring her but anyway Katisha is back more talking to do. I might update more later because I have some more to say.

My day is pretty rotten so far. lol ohmigod!! I was up and in the shower and then getting ready to make breakfast before I realized that it was in fact 4 in the morning and not 5. That sucked cuz my hair was wet. Then I was doing good. I was a little early did my hair kinda nice again, tired but feeling good. I waited for the train for 30 friggin minutes!!! I barely made it in time cuz I still had to change and the train that lets me off right next to the hotel doesn't start to run until after 7 so I had to jump on the other one that lets me off like 4 blocks away. At least there's no traffic at 645 on a sunday morning. Ya know and then I walk in and Rachel is signing in, but she is not changed yet. So I run downstairs so worried I am going to be late, and then Rachel comes in and she changes. Now why would this piss me off you might ask. Because I run here, almost everyday to get here on time and make time to change and then still clock in on time. Where Rachel just steals time. I could do that too but that would be wrong. At least if I am late they keep some money. It shouldn't bug me I know it's her business not mine, and that's between her and the managers, but when I try so hard to get here on time and I barely make it, it kinda gets on my nerves. and then Sharonjoy had a problem w/ people not running traces and all that, well Rachel was like I never do traces blahblahblah. Which is fine, but she made such a big deal about it not being her that it was kinda lame.

And since I am on such a rant I should add that guys w/ long hair...it's alright, BUT guys w/ long hair that wear scrunchies....STOP IT! Pony tail holders ok..scrunchies BBAAADDDDD hell women don't even wear scrungies any more.

But I did get a muffin from room service, and it's apple and walnut. mmmmmmmmmm tasty

I need some caffeine...and a hug. lol

Oh and because I know you are all wondering and probably just scrolling through to find out... All the worring I did about whether or not I would be able to hold out didn't even matter cuz he didn't come.

Alright well I was going to try not to post again because I have a bad habit of excessive blogging. :-D but oh well I need to kill 15 minutes. I still don't know if he is coming over for sure. I have to call him after I get off work. I actually had something to say but I forgot. I can't wait to go home and eat. I am pretty hungry. Tomorrow is going to suck because I have to be here at 7. uugghh. and I have to work w/ Rachel. She is cool but I don't really like working w/ her and I found out why. Ross mentioned that she isn't a team player and he's so right (as usual :-P) but now I notice all the little ways that she isnt. lol. Who's obsessive compulsive? nooo it couldn't be me. twelve minutes to go, go me. Katisha is also working tomorrow, Yea! She doesn't come in until 9 though. At least I will get off at 3:30 and be able to chill out for the rest of the night. I work pm shifts almost all next week. Exept one day I think. I have tuesday and thursday off. That kinda sucks but oh well. oh! and I am thinking about joining the art club, (have I mentioned that already?) because I am just not a big enough nerd. lol. Oh well at least I'm hot. lol. jk. I had to say it. alright well there's only 7 minutes left to go and then I get to leave, I have to run my audit even though I don't have a bank. Damn I am ready to go home.

I am so bored! There's nothing going on. I was hoping that today would go by really fast, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I took care of business last night, but I forgot this morning :-O! That sucks!! I was so tired and the alarm went off and I just jumped in the shower. That is not good. Maybe traffic will be bad and I will have some time before he gets to my apartment, lol. Especially since last night it really didn't help that I was thinking about how good sex would be tonight while trying to fix it so I wouldn't want sex tonight. I couldn't help it though. It would be good. Nevermind..bad train of thought bad.

I brought my chili for lunch yummy, and I am probably going to have some free food from downstairs too. MMMM I am getting hungry. (see George, I really am all about food and sex, lol I am so easy to please)

Hunor is here, he actually talked to me today. I was a little thrown off because I have barely talked to him.

Man I am trying to find stuff to talk about but it's just not working. lol.
OOHH! I got something, I need a topic for my arguementive research paper. If anyone would have a good idea about an interesting topic it would help me out soo much cuz I can't think of anything really good. I don't need an arguement for it yet, just the topic. I have to have a thesis sentence by Tuesday. So far I am thinking about how blogging has changed journals (I am such a nerd!) and something about the mob. Which reminds, I watched Goodfellas! Awesome movie! Loved it. can you say the whole cast of the sopranos. but that's ok. it gave me my sopranos fix. Oops gotta go to lunch, I might need to post some more later. lol.

Oh forgot to mention, George showed me how to change the song! YEA! I was getting sick of that song, and I barely load my page up anymore. lol. I also put the links to more pics back up on my website

I am back to eating my almond cream oatmeal in the morning. Yum, how I missed it. I gotta love weightwatchers, they have given me some of the best recipes for food that is healthy that I have ever eaten. I went to the grocery store for the first time in a few months and actually took my little granny cart. I ended up buying alot of meat, not the kind I wanted, cuz ya know you just can't buy dick at the grocery store.

Although you can get dick from a 930 wake up call apparently. I wrote Keith a bitchy email last night (I told you all I do is bitch at him). I told him if he was going to not talk to me because of something Matt did (more on that later) that we were done cuz I wasn't putting up w/ it any more. So at 930 I get a call, and Keith was talking about coming down tomorrow night. Get this, he said "I don't want to rush back into anything" He said that!! Like I am the one that didn't talk to him for 3 weeks! He said he wants to come down and "talk" but the last time he came down just to "talk" we just had sex. I told Marisa that I would let him come down but we were actually going to talk and IF we had sex it would be after we came to a conclusion about all this crap. She laughed and asked who I thought I was talking to. lol. I'm serious though. If he doesn't want to rush back into anything then fine, we will take it real slow. I don't want to jump back into anything either, my hormones are just now calming down, I am not going to take the chance of him sleeping w/ me and then ignoring me for another month or 2. I will just have to take care of everything before work and then again before he gets here.

Now back to the comments... Matt says he didn't do it either. So that leaves Debbie or someone's lying. Although I guess I can't entirely dismiss the thought that if Keith was seeing someone else it could be her. But who ever it is I don't fucking care. It's childish and immature to lie about it and to post it anonymous since it's from his computer. and whoever it is has been reading my journal for quite awhile. But whatever. I guess I will still post a response. lol It's just sad that whoever it is, is probably older than me but is still obviously playing games, because they are lying about it.

So it looks like I need to clean tonight. Damn the luck.

I am very tempted to sleep w/ him tomorrow night, however I have a huge feeling that if I do it's over, or at least it will never get better and I don't feel like being that easy.

So me and Keith were supposed to talk again tonight but he's not online and he's not answering his phone (again) and he was back on the personals. Ya know this morning when he imed me and everything I did have a small glimmer of hope that maybe it would be ok (apparently I was wrong...hmm who'd have thought) Seriously though, I have the right to be mad at him for not talking to me for 3 weeks and it's not my fault that his roommate is going on his computer to look at my journal. I am just sick of him not answering his damn phone, or not wanting to talk to me because I am mad because he hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks. He needs to own up to the fact that he has treated me like shit. It really pisses me off because I was thisclose to being done w/ it today. I was mailing the phone back and now I have to start all over. I fought so hard to get to the point where I could say ok I want to be happy more than I love him and with one instant message I let my hope get back up there and now we are back to the same point and because of whoever left that comment he is going to take it out on me and not talk to me. I just want to bang my head on the wall.

In other news..... Everyone in my class feels so blessed to have Melissa as a teacher. She is just too awesome for description. She is such an inspiration and just so fabulous (to steal Jen's word. lol) Seriously she is just WOW. I wish you could all meet this woman or have someone like her in your life.

I went to dinner w/ Kenny tonight after class. His parents are being real asses. His dad called him a fucking idiot. We had a good time talking and all that. It seems that he is going to go partner in an L.A. Tan. That's pretty cool.

Do you want to hear a really fucked up story?

Bare w/ me, it's kinda tricky:

So I have been sitting here thinking that Keith is reading my blog. Well he i.m.ed me this morning and we talked for awhile and he said he had to go. I left and went to check out the multiplex near me and I came back and checked my email. There was a comment posted to my previous post, and since it's anonymous, I checked the tracking software to see if it was posted by someone I know, well it had Keith's address to it. So I got pretty upset and emailed him and all that and asked if he did it. When he got back he said he didn't post it and hadnt been on in awhile, and from how mad he got when he read some of my posts, I would tend to believe that he hasn't read it in awhile, well that leaves his roommate, and his roommates girlfriend. Now, his roommate cheats on his girlfriend, and his girlfriend doesn't understand why I put up w/ Keith. I like both of them, but I don't know why they would put a comment like that on my journal, maybe Keith is sleeping w/ someone else, but he told me he wasn't. I know what guy is going to say he is right? Well I emailed Keith and he was in the clear about getting out of this relationship right then and there if he wanted to, so why didn't he? I mean all I do now is bitch at him. I am pretty fucking confused right now. Keith is mad at me because I was yelling at him, and he also thinks that I shouldn't be so mad at him for not talking to me for 3 weeks. Whatever, but anyway. I feel like I am missing a big fucking piece of the puzzle and I wish someone would just be straight w/ me. This is why I don't deal well w/ people, because I can't deal w/ all this shit. I don't know who or what to believe, and the anxiety that I get makes it all worse. I am so tired of having to wonder about all this shit. Worrying about all this 24/7 for 3 weeks is pretty fucking exhausting not to mention I was worrying over the break for 3 months before that.

AAHH city life

Well I had a man expose himself to me on the train tonight. He came in through the door and sat right next to me, there were only 2 other people on the train. I thought to myself I should just get up and move then, but I was next to the emergency button so I thought if the other 2 people get off then I will move. Well then I notice out of the corner of my eye that he was sort of rubbing himself through his jeans and I remembered reading this blog about a pornstore clerk who would catch people spanking it through their clothes and so I was like eeeww. and before I could even think of moving he whipped it out!!! I didn't even turn to look at him I just got up and walked away. Then a minute later he got up and moved a few seats behind me. I thought he moved to another car, but when I got up to get off the train I turned to look and he was sitting there and it looked like he was doing it again so I told the guy in the station. I am so grossed out.

Oh and Keith read my posts about not waiting for him and still hasn't called or emailed or anything so I guess he really just doesn't care. That's pretty sad, but oh well, it's his choice.

I seriously want a cat now. There was this really cute dog in the hotel tonight and I want a dog but I don't have time and they don't allow dogs in the building so I want a cat. Although I want to have money for clothes more. Plus I have to have money to feed myself first before I can feed something else.

I was run over twice today by Sharonjoy. Both times she came running through the door to the back office, first she almost knocked me over w/ the door and the second time she just ran full force into me. LOL. I was on the verge of cracking up for 5 minutes afterwards. Not to mention the various hits and kicks and shoves she has been administering all night. lol and the constant mispronunciation of my name. But it's ok we love Sharonjoy and she can do whatever the hell she wants.

Also Kyle did try to keep my computer and tv and dvd player so Harry had to go and get it. The best part about it was that his dad was there and his dad was looking at Kyle like "what the hell are doing keeping that crap from her" so Kyle didn't even talk to Harry he just went to get the stuff. What a moron!!!! Can you believe I went out w/ such a moron for 6 freaking yrs. Holy shit I am disappointed in myself. lol. No he was actually a decent person for the first 4 yrs and even after that he wouldn't have kept something that wasn't his. Gee it's a good thing his family is so religious.

We have a building next door that's doing construction and everyone on that side of the building is complaining. And we can't do anything about it except get the peace officers over there. I have already comped one guy breakfast and Sharonjoy gave the same guy 100 off his room. So now Sharonjoy isn't even playing around it's 100 off for everyone that calls automatically just so we don't have to deal w/ them because we have been dealing w/ this since 930 and it's now 1130 and the calls are becoming more frequent.

so I have been up since 430 (it's now almost 1030) and I just ate steak and fries (so my belly is nice and full) and I am now going to put in a Walking Tall and lay in bed. AAHHHH this is how to relax

14. someone who's not a damn hypocrite. He would shoot someone guy if that guy treated Keith's daughter the way Keith has treated me, and other women. But that's his daughter not just some stupid woman who doesn't deserve to be treated right like the rest of us.

Oh I have number 13 to add to my list: because he has time to look at my blog but doesn't have time to a) email b) im c) call d) post me.

So I was up at 430 this morning and like any other time that I am up when I am supposed to be sleeping I did a little thinking. I thought about why I was waiting around for Keith. I made myself face some facts.

1. I am waiting because I think that if I wait long enough he will realize that I love him (HA)
2. maybe he will realize he loves me (double HA)
3. (oh damn my side hurts from laughing so hard at number 2) He will change back to how he was when we were first dating (HAHAHA ohmigod I didn't realize how funny I am at 430 in the morning)

Then I realized why I am not going to wait any more:

1. He is not going to change his mind and be w/ me. He's done w/ our relationship because it's not fun any more and he thinks that I am the only one to blame for it not being fun. He doesn't realize that his actions have had a major impact on the whole relationship. Where as I have realized that I have changed since we started going out and like I said in a previous post I don't like who I am right now. I want to be who I was and I will do it w/ or w/o Keith there. I realized w/ this reason that Kyle and Keith are not entirely unalike here, they both wanted out when it's no fun for them any more, and don't care that it isn't fun for the other person
2. I deserve someone who is going to want my love and return my love. I have a big heart and I want the relationship that I had w/ Keith in the beginning but this time I want the person I am w/ to treat me as good as I treat them. I offered my whole heart to him and ok so it wasn't perfect and we fought in the beginning but I was willing to work at it because I did feel very strong emotions for Keith and I deserve someone who is willing to work at it too. ( I realized this after Kyle but I fooled myself into thinking that Keith would be willing to work a little bit at it even though he told me that once it wasn't fun any more it would be over, although I thought he would at least try to keep it fun too and not rely on me to be the only one keeping it fun, especially since it was so important for him)
3. I want someone who can be affectionate w/ me.
4. I don't want someone who is just going to ignore me and lead me on and not tell me he doesn't want to be w/ me because he doesn't have the balls to tell me, or he is just too self-centered and uncaring to.
5. I want someone who values people who care about them and doesn't just throw them away.
6. I want someone who isn't afraid
7. I want someone who actually is honest, instead of just saying they are honest
8. I want someone who isn't all words and puts some action behind the words.
9. I want someone who is loyal and doesn't just care about me because I am fun, or at least isn't going to leave me when I am not fun.
10. who will be there for me too
11. who doesn't say fuck when he here's my voice on the other end of the phone
12. who calls when they say they will call (I know I am just wishful thinking here. lol)

So anyway that's my partial list right there. I am sure I could think of some more things later on. lol.

I was at work early and then I stayed an hour late, so yea for overtime. I am still at work but I don't have to leave here for my class til 630. I thought about staying downstairs and just working but I am too tired and grouchy to deal w/ customers and I felt like finishing this blog. So anyway. I met the new girl, she is awesome, she lives next to me too! Yea! and she used to play soccer so we are going to play sometime and maybe work out.

I don't want to go to class but oh well. It's ok though.

I had another dream about oral sex last night. This time it was a 69 position, and I was really liking the recieving end which is not how it usually goes, but I must say the last time Keith did it I was thinking I could really start liking this.

I finally went and got my netflix movies today from my old place. I got Walking Tall, cuz I thought by the time they got here me and Keith might be talking and he might like to see it, and because I wanted to see it. I got Goodfellas, and Scotland, PA, I don't particularly care about any of these movies I just wanted to hurry and get something.

I am off to watch my movies.

I walked home with John again tonight because we were both there for the full shift. He was telling me about his girlfriend and he was saying how she is his dream girl and it was extrememly sweet. I was thinking man I wish a guy would talk about me like that, even Kyle never talked about me like that. It mad me really sad too cuz I thought of Keith that way, but oh well. I will get over it, I have gotten over worse. It's just that having your heartbroken sucks. I know... I like to state the obvious.

Oh forgot to mention, this guy that I have talked to here and there on the im and the last few times he has said some dirty things so I would just stop talking to him after he started saying stuff and last night he said something and I stopped talking to him and he kept saying stuff, well after he got the hint that I wasn't talking to him he said "Ya know I would like to hang out even if it's just as friends" JUST AS FRIENDS!!! What a lying sack of shit. The next time he tries to talk to me I am going to put him on my ignore list. Seriously from now on when a guy says that crap I am gonna run in the other damn direction.

We are getting alot of bitchy guests tonight, but that could have something to do w/ my lack of patience right now cuz I am feeling worse than yesterday. I had to take my break at 530 which sucked because I was not hungry and I didn't want to go that early but oh well. I ate dinner w/ Mark, our new concierge, he's a nice guy. He cracks me up, he's a sweet heart. But most of the people here are. Except Chakar. :-P

I was up last night talking w/ Kenny about how lonely we both are. He said he needs a girlfriend, I said I need either more friends in the city or a cat. I would rather have more friends in the city but Craig's list sucks and I don't know how else to make new friends cuz I am a nerd. Cats are expensive though and I really don't need any more expenses. Maybe I should just get a plant. lol. Well in that case I might as well talk to the lamp.

I was a loser and called Keith today. I had a good reason though, I am trying to find out if he got his money refunded so I can know exactly how much I owe him, but just as I thought he did not answer the phone. I mailed his card today. I had second thoughts cuz I thought about what Ross said but again I just wouldn't feel right if I didn't send a card, it's the least I can do. I just feel like a loser for calling him though. lol. Oh well. I need to know how much I owe him. He has a great knack for reading my blog whenever I bitch about him. lol. I won't write anything for days and then it seems whenever I need to vent that's when he looks. lol. I always have had such good luck. lol. *rolls eyes*

It seems everyone but my dr thinks I should move on and get over him and find someone else. I am just tired of hearing it. I am tired of talking about the whole damn thing. I never even bring it up, it's everyone else, they all can't wait to tell me how I deserve better or that they want to set me up w/ someone or whatever. I mean I appreciate it and the thoughts behind it but I really just don't want to talk about it.

I do want a cat though. I hate that I like animals so much cuz then I always want a pet, but then they are such a hassle.

I have a midterm in psychology and I have a pretty good feeling I am going to fail. Probably cuz I missed quite a few classes and barely did any of the reading. You would think I would learn my lesson, but noooo here I go again.

Alright well we only had 51 arrivals coming in at 3 when I got here, yesterda we had 120 something and it was slow as hell, John left at 9 last night. I told him if someone is leaving early that I have dibs. lol. I put my cd's in the player and I am chillin to those. I just realized I have the perfect taste in music for a hotel lobby. lol That's so sad, but so true. So anyway I have only had mac and cheese and half of a bad donut to eat today and I am barely hungry. The 4 dayquil and 2 excedrin tension headache pills I took might have something to do w/ that. I am still feeling sick as a dog though. That sucks but oh well.

Seriously the CTA is my arch enemy right now. I did not realize they only run every half an hour on the weekends so I made it here and changed w/ 1 minute to go. That was close. They have a very strict tardy policy. I am starting to get hungry and the free food is now closed. Hmmm where to go now. Maybe John will be able to tell me where to get something.

Damn I forgot my psychology again.

We are down to 21 arrivals and it's only 7:14. I might just leave early. Why the hell not, except I do need the money.

I am thinking about sending Keith a birthday card. I really don't know if I should. I am not going to call him since he doesn't want to talk to me, but I think if I don't send him a card that just wouldn't be nice. I mean yeah he didn't really do anything for my birthday but that's no excuse not to send him one. Although him not wanting anything to do w/ me is, but considering he lent me money and I still care about him I guess it's the least I could do. I don't want to seem like I am begging him to be w/ me or anything it would just be a thoughtful gesture on my part ya know. Ross said I am just beating a dead horse, but I just wanted to send it cuz ya know I was hurt that he didn't do anything for my birthday and I don't want him to be hurt if I don't acknowledge his, even if he doesn't want anything to do w/ me, I don't know that for sure and I will feel bad if I don't at least send him a card, I guess I am too nice, but oh well. Alright well I am rambling and don't really have anything to do.

Maybe I will go on break soon because I am getting hungry, or I will just leave and go home and eat. Yeah that is probably what I will do. Maybe someone will be online when I get home and I can chat for awhile. Maybe I will study, but I doubt it, I will probably watch Dirty Dancing and eat some more icecream so my ass gets really huge and because I am just in that kind of mood. I will probably just skip to the end when they dance cuz that's the only reason I ever watch that movie anyway, that and Patrick Swayze is hot. I wrote him a letter when I was in like 4th grade and he wrote me back. I wonder if I still have it.......

You know your frustrated when you take care of business everyday and you still have a dream where you are in a foursome, and you are married to a beautiful Jewish woman who knows how to use her tongue. Oh and your a porn star. Oh well. It really sucks when physically thats what you need but emotionally and mentally you just don't want anything to do with it.

Damn I am tired and still feeling sick. I need to sleep a little more I think.

Well I am online thinking someone is going to be up and online to entertain me and yet no one is. lol. not that I am surprised. Next week I get monday, thursday and friday off! Yea! That's pretty cool.
Alright I need to go to bed.

It's pretty slow right now. It was way too busy earlier now I think we are going to be dead for awhile.

My stomach feels huge right now. I really need to start eating better again, especially since I have some money for groceries now.

I have 3 days off this week. That's pretty cool and very unexpected. I have off on Monday, Thursday and Friday. I sent Keith 100 bucks today, so my bill for him is down to 515 I think, plus whatever the phone bill is gonna be. Crap I just realized I have my phone bill yet to pay. Ouch that sucks. Oh well. I can pay that on the fifth I think or it's just going to have to wait til the 20th.

I am so bored. I wish I would have remembered to bring my psychology book so I could study for my midterm tonight. Oh well there's always tomorrow. I am also going to have to start bringing my own cd's to play at work. I don't think John would appreciate Bette Milder singing "You don't own me". Hmmmm maybe we could come to a compromise. It would be really funny if I brought country cuz no one up here likes country and that would be funny. I would be rockin out to some Reba and Garth and they would be lookin at me like I was crazy. lol... mmmm maybe not.

awww booooo!!!

I just realized that Surviving Christmas is coming out on friday. I want to go see it, but I will probably have to wait til netflix gets it. That sucks.

Yeah so I was rereading the paper that I turned in tonight and I made so many stupid mistakes. I was pretty out of it when I wrote it cuz of the sudafed but still I should have given myself more time to write it.


Today was a pretty good day, except for the whole going in and out of foggy headedness. No stress today, thank you cold medicine, lol. I am feeling some of it come back though. I got all but one load of laundry done today, now I just have to fold it. Tomorrow morning I have to do the dishes and get some groceries. I still have to fold my laundry tonight. I took a nap around the pile that is on my bed this afternoon.

I am bored but too out of it to do anything. This would be the perfect time for netflix.

Ya know I was seriously hoping that the fogginess was from the afrin but I just realized that it has to be the sudafed, because it wears off a little and then comes back and the sudafed is time released so it lasts 24 hours so it has to be that. Damn the luck.

Yeah so even though I love my job, I don't like the whole working full time thing. lol. I am pathetic I know. It just sucks that I am going to be working for the next 4 or 5 or more days in a row. It's like what's the point of that. lol.

I need to go to bed soon. lol but I probably won't

I have roaches. Lots of them. It's pretty disgusting. I like camping and outdoors and stuff, so I don't really mind bugs that much, but like snakes there is a place for them, and my apartment is not the place. Not to mention roaches aren't normal bugs, they are freaky nasty mother fuckers. So I have to call Ovi, who is no longer a jerk because he came over after he was technically not working, and fixed the water pressure for the hot water. Although the kitchen hot water is now crappy. Can't have everything I guess and I would rather have more hot water in the bathroom. It's seems when I specifically ask not to have something I always get it. Like the roaches I was like Doug, I want a clean apartment, I can't stand roaches blahblahblah, and here come the roaches.

I have a sinus infection. That sucks. But the only thing I can do is wait it out, so I am on sudafed and afrin. The afrin's not helping much though.

So at work yesterday..... I got my first written acknowledgement that I do a good job. I was very excited. Some guests like to send thank you notes when their stay was nice, and yesterday a woman that I helped alot over last weekend wrote a thank you note to the hotel and was thanking several people specifically and I was one of them. Go me! And I got a tip!!! 5 bucks! This guy got into his room and it was really smoky so Sean switched him rooms and Chakir who is pretty damn lazy ( I have had problems with him since my first day!!) never went to switch the guys room. Now this could have been because of the elevator but there are other elevators in the building and he was pissed because there were so many room changes. Well I took the key up to the guys room and he was extremely happy that the other room did not smell like smoke at all and he was thrilled that I came up and helped him so I got a tip! I didn't even know I could take tips so I had to ask. lol. I wasn't expecting one. Not to mention that I worked w/ Sharonjoy who is flat out hilarious and a lot of fun to be around, and Sean who is a nice guy and brought great dance music to listen to. The bad part about yesterday is that I was supposed to be in at 2 but didn't realize that so I was in Ross's office napping under the spare desk ala George Castanza. That was my second time not realizing I had to start an hour earlier than normal so technically they could fire me. Which is ironic because I had a nightmare the other night that they did fire me and I was telling Doc about it and he was like do they like you? and I said yes, and I told him how I was doing great and they were happy that I was there. He said that there was obviously no need to worry. And now when I might just get fired I am not worried at all. I have to talk to Sherry tomorrow when I go in. Kinda scary but she is cool and since I brought it to her attention and all that I doubt I will get fired for it. It was an honest mistake.

I also got paid! Ross took my check to get it cashed at his bank so I have some money. I also got a 100 more than what I thought I was going to get. Woo-hoo! So I gave it to Ross and now I only owe him 520. I am going to have to get my rings appraised on my next day off and sell them so I can pay back Keith. I have to pay back Ross over my next 3 checks because it's his wife's money that I borrowed and she is coming back with him (hopefully) when he comes back in December. He is leaving for Thailand November 11th. So after I sell my rings I should be pretty close to being caught up w/ every body. Hopefully I will get more than 3oo for my rings (I definitely should). Too bad I am not a jewelry person otherwise I would have alot more to sell and probably more expensive stuff.

I was so happy I got paid! I didn't think I would ever get to pay day, I felt like I was going to have to live the first 2 weeks of work over and over again. Which I am sure is where the panic probably came from. At least part of it.
Plans for the day include laundry, grocery shopping, school, writing my paper, nap time, dishes, calling Ovi to get his european ass over here to kill these roaches, and maybe finish unpacking. It's hard to say when I will be completely done because I need my shelves up so I can use them to put the stuff that is still packed on.

I am putting the 5 dollar tip into an envelope that is going to be the start of my house fund.

I have yet to get my netflix movies. I am pretty disappointed in that. I changed my address w/ them and everything. When I decide to relax today I am just going to read I guess. and maybe since I am sick I will take a nice hot bath. mmm that sounds nice.

I could eat Haagan-Dazs rocky road all day long. It has alot of almonds in it and the chocolate doesnt give me a bad taste in my mouth.

I had such a great day at work!! I want to blog about it but I am sick and need to go to sleep.

Another shitty day in the land of shitty days. I was up at about 7:30 and I am about to fall asleep now. I have an hour and a half til I have to go to work. I am sitting in Ross' office again because I still don't have the internet. I won't get my DSL now until the 25th. However Ross might hook me up w/ a dial up modem.

I talked to my dr. today. It helped some but I only got to talk to him for like half an hour. I constantly have this ball of panic sitting in my chest and it just keeps getting worse. My days off are pointless. All last week I was hoping my day off would give me some peace and it didn't so now I am hoping that maybe tomorrow I will start to feel better. I guess I won't actually feel better until either I do something about me and keith or he does something about it. My options are keeping going like I am or end it, because I can't make him want to talk to me or be around me. It just sucks cuz he is the one that is all about being honest and he won't talk to me about anything. And of course he obviously isn't in a hurry to get things sorted out and that makes me wonder how much he cares about me. It was in July when he wanted this break and the only reason we didn't break up was because he said he wanted me to be there for him. (his words) Well where is he when I need him. I know he is stressed now too, and I know that alot of it is my fault but since when does that mean we shouldn't talk. Part of me thinks that he met someone else. I just don't understand how anything else would cause him to just not want to talk to me any more. He knows how upset I am and that his not talking to me and they way he talked to me the last time we talked is just adding to everything, so the only thing I can think of is that he just doesn't care. What else is there to think? I don't know I guess from now on I will just be weary of any guy who says they care more about me as a friend, or that they hope we could always be friends. I am starting to agree w/ everyone who says that guys and girls can't be friends. I just don't understand how some people can go from caring about someone to not caring about them at all in such a short period of time. I guess that just means they never cared to begin w/ right? I don't know I am done thinking about it for now. I guess it doesnt really matter. The reasons are his problem, I have to deal w/the outcome, the reasons are interchangeable I guess.


I need some really REALLY good ideas on how to relax tomorrow. I mean serious relaxation and stress relief. If anyone knows of anything that could help please comment because I need some ideas. Something cheap and easy to get.

I am going to take a nap, I will probably post again later because I will be bored at work.

Well my day off pretty much sucked...again. I woke up w/ a headache, but I have to say that excedrin tension headache is freaking awesome. I unpacked some and finally got a technician from SBC out to my apartment. I love SBC. I know most people hate them but I have had nothing but awesome service since I moved up here. Back home service sucked ass. They got some one out to my apartment today, even though I called this morning, and they gave me a four hour time table and I asked them if they could tell the guy to come as soon as possible because it was really important for my class that I get on the internet. They gave me between 12 and 4 and the guy was there at 12 on the dot. I was seriously impressed. And he was really nice and didn't mind that I was listening to the dixie chicks at the time. A rarity up here thats for sure. Although the DSL is disappointing me. They now say it's not going to be until the 25th that I get my DSL. If it is not turned on tomorrow I am calling up the phone people and letting them know because they told me 3 times that it will be up tomorrow.

Any way I laid in bed pretty much all day. I unpacked some but mostly I just laid in bed. I do not want tomorrow to come. I have been feeling panicky all day.

Ross has saved my ass yet again. I don't have the money for the cta so he is lending me his card so I can get to work and school.

I am not really liking who I am right now. I am so dependent on everyone else right now, especially Ross. I hate that I feel like I can't do anything. I am so used to being on my own and fending for myself but it seems like ever since I have been up here I have just let other people take the lead. I did want to be taken care of and I did want to just let someone else do all of the work, and while that still sounds nice, it's just not me. I don't know how to get back to being independent and that scares me. I want a partner not someone to do all the work. I wanted friends to lean on but not friends to carry me. I was talking to Ross earlier and I know that I owe him and Keith both alot. Not just money but everything and I guess Ross is feeling like I am just using him or something. Or maybe he thinks that I don't appreciate what he has done or maybe that I am not going to be there for him if he needs it. I am use to being the one that is always there for someone else and never having anyone there for me. I don't want anyone around me to feel that way, but it seems like everyone does. It's making me sick how much I have had to lean on Ross and everyone else. I am so sad right now. My general mood has been sad for the last week. What makes it worse is that I don't have a plan to fix anything. Because of my bank account now I don't have a plan to pay anyone back. I don't want to go to work but that's the only time that I can focus and get answers to other peoples problems and not constantly be reminded of my own, even if I am only destracted for 5 minutes at a time.

Our full time faculty is on strike. My English teacher is part-time, so I came to class, it really sucked cuz coming in for a part-time class I am still harrassed. I don't like crossing the picket line more than anyone else, but I have to think about myself. I don't want bigger classes or teachers working more for the same pay but I am not going to just skip my class when my teacher is expecting us and told us all multiple times to be at class. Plus at this point I have to come to class. It just sucks that these teachers are harrassing the students who just want to better themselves and do what it takes to make their lives better. It also sucks that the board is expecting them to work more for the same pay and bigger classes.

It's 9:27 and I am starting to drag ass. Only 2 more hours to go, so I guess that's not so bad. Today has dragged on forever though. I found some nice lingerie stores that I am going to have to check out. Actually in this magazine I got from the concierge desk, it's called Where. Me and John are just chillin cuz there's no body here. I asked the manager of the restaurant for some food and he said he would send some up. That is so cool! He is also the manager of room service. I was just kidding when I asked but he said he would send something up, and well who am I to pass up free food. Especially yummy food. mmmmm. Sweet we have about an hour and 40 minutes left. That is not bad at all.

You would not believe how happy I am to have tomorrow off. I am going to unpack and get my dial up set up (wednesday I get my dsl) and then I am going to write about half of my paper or more so that way I can finish it up by thursday. I don't know about my last paper though. Hopefully I will get it done but it doesn't look like it. I am going to try though. I am going to just chill out in my pj's or whatever it is that I wear around the house and just do absolutely nothing before class. I am just glad because I also get Thursday off!! Alright well I don't have much else to say I am just wasting time.

I am sitting in Ross's office waiting for my shift to start. I am not looking forward to working tonight. That's the problem w/ the night shift, it gives me too much time to think about how I don't want to go to work. I am going to ride the train home w/ John I guess. Even though that is pretty far for me to walk but oh well. It's pretty cool that he and his girlfriend live just a couple of blocks from me. That way at least I know someone in my neighborhood.

Ross was telling me that I have 3 or 4 of the major stress points at once. Fun for me I guess. They are moving, eviction, new job, and problems in a relationship. Now we can add still being broke for another month to that. I was handling all the stress pretty well I thought. Yeah I go to sleep as soon as I get home but at least I am going to work and I am trying to just make it through, but now I don't know. I found out I am at negative $900 in my bank. Plus I owe Keith about $715 and now Ross over $620 plus whatever I have run up on Keith's phone this weekend. Which I am sure will just be one more thing for him to be pissed off at me about. Which how could I blame him. Ross said he will probably shut the phone off soon. I don't know why he hasn't shut it off yet. I figured I would sind it back soon anyway.

I was going to post about how even though everything in my life sucks it's ok cuz it will be better soon, but now I don't know how soon it will be until anything gets better.

Last night I found out that if I don't stress about stuff before I go to bed I will have nightmares about it. I had a nightmare about getting fired last night. It was awful. I can not wait until tomorrow when I only have to go to school.

I got some unpacking done this morning I only have a few more boxes to go. I really need to get my shelves up so I have some more room for stuff.

Well I don't really have anything to post except complaining about stuff and I do that enough anyway.

The CTA is making my life hell. Today I couldn't get off on my stop today so I had to walk aobut 5 blocks to the hotel after walking about 6 to the exposed station and standing there forever. Hopefully I will get the hang of the buses soon.

Tomorrow I get to sleep in! Hopefully I don't wake up at 6:30am like I have been. I have to work from 3 to 11:30 tomorrow and I don't want to be exhausted by 7. I was in bed by 7:30 and passed out as soon my head hit the pillow.

I was eating lunch and I realized that that was the first time I had anything to eat in 24 hours! That sucks, but oh well, I took a muffin to bring home and I am planning on going back for the dinner too, cuz I am gonna need some food so I can stay up and unpack. I need to stay up to at least midnight tonight. I really don't have anthing to post I am just trying to pass some time at work.

I think I am getting sick, all day yesterday my throat was dry and squeaky and then I felt feverish by the time I got home which is why I went to bed right away. That sucks.

Transportation is so far away from my new place!! The 156 is a block from my house but it only runs at certain times, the 151 drops me off 5 blocks from where I need to be. The train is 4 blocks away. Oh well. I have it all straightened out so now I know where to go and what bus to get on and all that. Last night I missed my stop, I was so pissed cuz I didn't have a coat!


I tried to call Keith last night and he never answered or returned my calls so I called him at quarter to 7 this morning and I said "so what are you never going to return my calls?" and then he mumbled "fuck" under his breath. Isn't that sweet? I thought so too. And the last time I got a hold of him he asked if I was just calling to bitch. So I am done calling him. Obviously that's what he wants so whatever.


I just found out what my check is going to be and right now it sucks because I called off on Tuesday and they stopped Friday, so my next check will be awesome. I am hoping to get some over time in next week too, but I won't know until after my days off and I rest for a little bit.

I am hoping that today I will get one of my movies from netflix so I can have something to do to unwind tonight. I was going to unpack but ya know what I might not feel like it, I think I am going to lay around cuz thats what I feel like doing.

Apparently it is Sweetest day, I have never heard of that before. I am going to have to remember that from now on. As if Valentine's Day isn't enough. Oh well I missed Valentine's Day this yr. All these yrs I was missing out on a Holiday.

I worked w/ Katisha today. I love working w/ her. She is so much fun and we always have a good time working together. Alright well I guess I better get back to work I have about 2 hours to go unless I work over time like Dan asked me to then I have at least 2 and a half hours to go. We will see.

Yesterday I got off early. That was so nice!! I found out it takes about 45 minutes to an hour to get from the hotel to my apartment. That sucks but oh well, I usually left half an hour too early before anyway. I got up this morning an hour early by accident and then found out that I don't have hot water. Well I do but it's a drizzle, as in what someone might use to wash their hands. It was bad. Opi, the matinance guy (who I am beginning to suspect is a jerk) said he might not be able to get to it until next week!!!! However the guy from apartment finders not only went to help him clean my apartment before I got in there, but also called me today (at work) to tell me that he ordered a whole new kitchen for me!!!!! YEA!!! Even though they won't be giving me new carpet, a new kitchen is better! New cabinets and everything! I am almost unpacked. I am hoping to finish today or tomorrow after work. I can't wait. The bad part is I won't be able to put up my shelves by myself. Maybe Opi will do it, since the elevator electrocuted me and all. That hurt.

I love how close it is to food!! There are so many restaurants it's unreal. I just have to find the grocery store.


I can't wait until my next day off!!! It really sucks that all the days I had off today were way more stressful than work. When I came back I felt like I was on vacation! It was like "wow, I can finally slow down and breath for a minute." I want to be completely unpacked by the time I get another day off, and I want to have most of my 2 papers completed so I don't have to do a damn thing on my day off. I think I might go and get my eyebrows waxed though, and maybe a manicure, I haven't had a manicure since prom. I am sure I can find a place to do it pretty cheap.

I think I am going to call the cable company and get some cable, I can't even get basic channels in my apartment now. I figure since it takes them so long to actually come out to turn it on I will be able to call today and then by the time they get around to it I will have the money to pay them.

I am so tired, I can't wait til the schedule comes out so I can see my new hours and see when my next day off is.

I am so bored!!! I just want to go home.

I am at work, I won't have internet access until Wednesday!!! I don't know what I am going to do. Well besides unpack and do some homework. I had something to say but now I don't remember what it was. I am getting off early today I think... I hope. I am about to fall asleep. I still have to go to the post office and then try to find my way to my new apartment from the hotel! SCARY!! I have a lot to type but I am tired.

You are now reading the blog of a homeless person. I didn't get the apartment after all. It's a good thing me and Keith went on that break otherwise I would never have met Ross and considering all the stuff he has done for me up to this point and everything he has done today (helped me move my stuff into the uhaul, even though he's in a cast) and now I am going to have to sleep on his couch I don't know where I would be. Where as Keith isn't even returning my calls. It really makes me sad that when I need him the most he won't even pick up the phone.

Melissa offered to let me stay w/ her if I don't have any other place to go! I wanted to cry when because it was such a sweet gesture. At all my old schools the teachers wouldn't have cared less if something was going on w/ you outside of school. I wasn't even going to tell Melissa because I knew I should have done my paper after work, I knew it was still my responsibility and I turned the first one in late. I felt sooo awful that I didn't have this one done, and I didn't want her to feel like she should give me any extra time because I knew the rules, but she did so now I have to haul ass and make sure I work on both of my papers (one is due next thursday) after work every day!!! I am sure if I work on them for an hour each day I will get them both finished. I was just really touched that she would offer me a place to stay!

What a freakin rip off!!!!

Uhaul sucks donkey dick. They put me on hold 5 times and then I got this guy who got pissed because I didn't understand when he said the same thing twice and didnt explain what the fuck he was talking about in the first place. Not to mention they charge 88 dollars a day for the 10 foot truck and you can only rent it for a set time, no customization what so ever and in town rentals need to be moved in 5 hours!!! who can move in 5 hours? Not to mention it's 50 bucks per hour if you are late!!! So I am renting a truck for 88 bucks to move way the fuck up north. Plus 40 bucks a day after that if I can't move tomorrow. This is crap. This is a freakin rip off. I will not rent a truck from them ever again. I would rather buy a truck and move then rent their trucks again. I will go to any other company, but not them. It's a thousand bucks to move to florida, in 6 days!!!

I found an apartment.

Good news about the apartment:

it's big...i think the living area is the same size as this apartment, but I have 2 countertops, and 2 sinks, and an area for a table in the kitchen area, plus a hallway to my bathroom (that is good considering I can't go to the bathroom if I think someone can hear me, now it's far enough away so that won't be a problem but I will have a hard time not hurting myself at 5 in the morning when I get up in the middle of the night to stumble to the bathroom) and more closet space. Then manager guy is bosnian and he's very funny, and nice, and sweet, he said if I have a "special" guy come over he could try and get him a place to park over night that is covered if I let him know in advance. Also alot of stuff is 24 hours up there and there's a 24 hour diner around the block and there's buses down the block too, although the redline is a bit of a walk. that sucks balls. I also get october and december free and I just have to pay Keith back for Novembers rent, so I have a nicer budget now, no more owing Keith 2 grand. And I will get to read on the way to work.

I was just thinking, maybe if keith and marisa actually ever plan on visiting me, maybe we could split a parking spot 3 ways and that way they would always have a parking spot, but I dont know if they would even visit enough to justify that, plus east of broadway is apparently free street parking w/o a permit. but I think the mngr said something about it being bad at night, I dont know. Or maybe I will just get one, we will see.



Bad news: the redline is far away. and it's not downtown. Now to most that probably wouldn't matter much, but when you give up everything to move to Chicago all by yourself and you want to be downtown it is a very big deal. So big that everytime I think about the location I want to cry. Literally. And I am not talking about whimpering here, I mean the "I am crying so hard I can't breath and am about to have a panic attack" kind of crying. Why might you ask, let me tell you why. This is a step back, this is a step back from the life I want to live, even though I know it's for the best and I will be able to save money and I will be better off and I know all this other stuff that I just don't feel like typing right now and that sometimes you have to take a step backwards before you can move forward, it still sucks. I have to learn a new neighborhood all over again. I just started learning about this one. I can't go to this gym any more. It's way farther away from work and I mean WAY. I like the room, but I am just so sad to have to move out of downtown. I know it's not a big deal and I will get over it and I just might like the new neighborhood better, but that doesn't help now. But really that's the only downside, but it's a huge downside, at least for now, but if I really hate it I can always move back downtown in a yr, but I know I will eventually get a condo or something down here so maybe for once I can set a long term goal and keep it, and not get bored w/o instant gratification. I mean I did wait 2 extra yrs to move here the first time. At least I will still be "in the city" *sigh* I shouldn't have been so stupid in the first place.

well as it turns out I am evicted. because the stupid bitch wouldn't wait a day, even though I have been completely proactive in this whole thing. I called her, I set up stuff w/ her, the only reason I didn't go to court was because she said since I paid her in August that everything was cool. I have no idea what I am gonna do. I have to get everything packed and move to a storage unit tomorrow. I just feel so lost and completely alone. Ross is doing pretty much anything and everything he can, and Keith was running around for the last 2 weeks trying to help and I know that Marisa would be here helping if I need her to, but I am so depressed. I don't want to do anything. I burst into tears every other second. I don't want to talk to anybody or see anybody. The one person I do want to see I can't. I am so pissed. ONE FUCKING DAY. As soon as I get a job, it's too late. Right now I wish I could just move away. If it wasn't for my job, I probably would. I hate that I put myself in these situations where I feel like there is no way out. I should never have let this happen. I don't understand what is wrong w/ me. Ever since my junior yr of highschool I have just been irresponsible and not taken much seriously. Actually I haven't taken anything seriously. Except maybe Keith, for awhile, and moving here. It always seems like what I do isn't enough, or it's too late, or it's not right, or I am just going around in circles.

Last night I was in bed by 9:30. It was nice. I got up today at 6:30, which is a good thing because I have a lot of shit to do. It's pretty sad that Christopher Reeves died. I liked the superman movies alot.
Not only do I need to clean and do laundry and get groceries, but I just remembered I have to write another 700 word (at least) paper tonight because it's do tomorrow. Plus I really should do the reading for psychology.

OH NO SHE DIDN"T

Marisa was just on the phone w/ me, in the middle of telling me something, and this new guy called and she hung up on me!!! MMHMMM! I see how it is. She's lucky she called me back w/ in the minute.

today was a pretty good day at work. i got this woman and her granddaughter free icecream and they were thrilled and that made me happy, and i sat for the whole morning to read the manual, and then in the afternoon after taking a long lunch w/ katisha sat around in the back most of the time cuz the checkout rush was over, and there was a gay wedding convention going on and i went over there a few times and picked up some food, and a couple of roses, and some chocolate. they had this pork tenderloin wrapped in bacon. mmmmmmmmm. it was a great day even though i was soo tired cuz i was up at 530 am because i couldnt sleep any more even though i was very tired and i woke up w/ my back killing me. the marathon was today. it was nice going to work because i didnt have to wait for any of the lights to change to cross the street because all the side streets were blocked off. although there really wasnt any place open to eat because of the marathon which was a dumb idea. this bitch that i passed off to sherry last night was back and bitching at katisha. katisha said she just looked at the woman and then went right on talking to her husband. lol. i wish i would have thought of that. now i am going to find something to eat, then finish off some haagan daz rocky road, mmmm, and watch a movie. tomorrow i need to clean and get groceries

i have been so damn busy! it's almost as bad as when i worked at the holiday inn as a maid and went to bed right after work and slept til the next morning. the only difference is that i like this job. sherry was so awesome and was able to get me fridays and saturdays off, although i have to sort of work my way to fri. and sat. so i dont end up working 8 days in a row. so in 2 or 3 weeks i will get fri. and sat. off. so mon.-thurs. will be really long because of class and work on those days but oh well. tomorrow i get to sit down for half my shift and read the training manual. sweet. then checkouts begin. people who are running the marathon (not all cuz some are great but a few) suck ass. why because they dont think to rent a room for the night of the marathon so when we are booked solid and can only give them until 1 to check out they bitch because they cant take a shower before their flights. well why would you want to fly out after you have ran 26 miles to begin w/? who the hell wouldnt want to rest that night. ok so you have to go to work, thats what a sick day is for. if you ran out don't come bitching to me because you didnt think far enough in advance. at least i was smart enough to send them to the concierge to see if he could hook them up w/ a Y or something that was open. it's not my problem. i had some people bitch at me for stuff that i had no controll over and it was their own damn faults to begin w/ so i just said this is my fourth day let me get the manager, sherry. she can put people in their place. so she was my secret weapon today for a little bit. lol. also, one of the owners of the building or someone w/ them, came in and wanted a rollaway, and "reserved" one. well we were out, and you cant reserve them anyway, just request them, so i told achim, who is awesome and also the manager, and he was like tell them no. so he sent me to tell one of the owners no. nice. but the guy was cool. but if i wouldnt have said i was new i think he would have been a real dick about it cuz he started to be one. :-D it's good being new i guess. so much shit happened today, and tomorrow is just going to be worse. well maybe not, check outs are fast. well i know this is all so interesting but i have to go to bed. also this is the only thing going on in my life right now, so it's the only thing to talk about. ross was soooooooooo completely awesome and made me steak again tonight. it was so good. i feel bad though because i get home after 6 and have to leave at 930 so i eat and run. but he knows i want to stay longer, i just cant. i wish i had time to talk about my job some more. or at least the people there because they are all so awesome! seriously, this is why i didnt go to work at mcdonalds. i knew something like this would come along.
another good thing about being so tired, i might wake up extremely frustrated (sexually that is) but by the time i am ready for bed, sex is the last thing on my mind. except tonight, tonight the little man in the boat is gonna get some lovin. lol. sorry tmi.

well i ended up staying an hour and 15 minutes late at work. we are going crazy cuz of the marathon. who schedules a new employee on a weekend like this? on a weekend period? but oh well i get paid. all day though, one person or another kept leaving the front desk for long stretches of time. like 20 or more minutes. me and one other person. so one person who knows what they are doing out there, when we constantly had lines all day long, to take care of guests and answer my questions. what's that about? it was frustrating. i had 2 people be mean to me today, one was a guest and one was from another hotel. the bitch. but everyone else was really nice. i was sad when i left. i was glad to go home cuz i couldnt stand up straight any more, but it's weird cuz i am there being everyone's best friend, or at least trying to, and then as soon as i walk out the door i am all alone. and it's such a huge contrast, talking laughing and smiling all day and then nothing that it's kind of a shock right now. especially when i do hurt so much and i just want someone to take care of me. but oh well i will get used to it.
is anyone else tired of the kerry and bush just repeating themselves? i know i am.
i cant wait til monday. more importantly i can't wait until the 20th. especially since i now will have some overtime. enough to buy some boots. lol. i need 2 days off in a row i think. i love this job though, even today, i was happy to be there and had fun, even though i was stressed and just was tired already and all that but anyway i am rambling and am too tired to actually pay attention to what i am typing. must. sleep. now.

so anyway today was kinda rough. it was very long. don't have time to go into details, I want to get to bed. But I had class tonight after work. I forgot my card and since I didn't have enough time to go home I didnt really eat anything after lunch. So I got home and I was sad cuz I just wanted to be held, but no one was here, so I called Ross and because I am such a mooch, I asked him if he had any leftovers. He said no, but he would make me something if I came over. (how much does Ross spoil me? Alot.) So I went over there and then came back home soon after I ate so I could go to sleep and that is what I am going to do right now. Tomorrow me and Ross might actually get to eat lunch together. Yea!

Getting ready for my second day of work. Yea! I am not nearly as tired as I was on Tuesday but I could still go back to sleep. I keep forgetting to mention that Kyle kept some of my stuff. Just like I knew he would. Which is exactly why I specifically said I wanted some things right away (besides the fact that I could sell them). I knew he would try to keep them and he did, every one of them. See he is a lying fucker. I hate liars.

"So here is what I heard, you were the first person they ever trained that checked people in on the first day. Dan is very impressed and told me he loves your energy and peronality and you will move up very quickly if thats something you would want to do. SO keep up the good work" the low down from Ross on my first day of work. Go me!

i wanted to get this book a few weeks ago that this girl is talking about, but i havent cuz i cant afford it. it's not that expensive though. anyway I agree w/ tina when she says sometimes just girls need to be told the obvious (obviously) and gnc when that person said "don't tell me what i want to hear....." in the comments. and I also agree w/ whoever said that this book will lead to over-analyzing, hello we're girls.

"Assessing the canidates' assertions"....who got their facts right at the debate

I am getting excited about eventually being able to buy clothes. A couple of days ago I went into Bakers shoes. Not my favorite shoe store, but they had boots. More specifically knee high stiletto boots. Drool. I picked up this one pair, chocolate brown, baby soft leather. They were so nice. However they were 50 bucks. Even though last yr I spent 64 for my suede boots and these were awesome I just couldn't do it. Although by the time I get money to spend on clothes boots will be out of season...Maybe they will still have some on sale. *sigh* It will be worth not buying any boots this fall just so I can get everything paid off really fast.
My apartment is still trashed. I am gonna clean after school. Last night I was just too tired and my back hurt too much.
Me and Keith haven't talked since I called him on Saturday. We probably wouldn't have talked then if I hadn't called. Either he is mad cuz he thinks he is the "new" Kenny or he just doesn't care enough to call. Hmm I wonder which one it could be.
I am sooo excited about the pay schedule. I get paid all around the same time. So on the 20th I get a check, on the 1st I get a check (not from work) and then on the 5th I get a check. No more living paycheck to paycheck. lol. It will be much easier to keep my money going to the right places that way.
Cheney kicked Edwards' ass last night. I was a bit disappointed, although it was rather funny and impressive to see Cheney constantly chastise and talk to Edwards' like he was a little boy who didn't know how to play w/ the big dogs. Definitely a great maneuver on Bushco's part.

has anyone else noticed bush and cheney resemble pinky and the brain? I just noticed it. I have never seen Cheney speak before. Too bad Pinky was naive and just wanted a friend where as Bush is just stupid and mean. But the end result is the same...Brain just wants to rule the world. lol. The resemblence (in looks and personality) is rather scary.

OHMIGOD!! I met Jane Seyemore and someone in Chingy's following. How cool is that? The job is awesome. I love everyone I work w/. I was the gopher at lunch today, but I volunteered so that's ok. I hung out w/ Ross a little bit. Did I mention I met some celebs? lol. I made Jane a little mad cuz I was so slow. I already checked people in. It was fun. I can't wait til I know more about what I am doing and have stuff going. I will also know how to get free comps and upgrades from hotels. Well my apartment is freaking trashed so I have to go and eat, return a movie, then clean and then pass out.

So I got the job. I start tomorrow. This is gonna be a little rough. I am off on Wednesday and then work 4 days in a row. I know big baby, but I haven't had a job in 2 yrs...so it's gonna be a little rough. At least I get free food, and dry cleaning and I don't have to get new clothes for the job. They supply the uniform which I will have dry cleaned.
I also did my budget and it's a good thing I don't need new clothes for this job because I will not have any extra money until March. That sucks. However at least I will no longer be in any debt. Even though I don't have much now, I will owe Keith a bit of money very soon and I will not be able to get that paid off until February. Then I just have my cell phone bill which will be paid off on the first of November and possibly the bill for my internet and house phone because I doubt I will be able to pay it this month.
Not to mention the fact that I am now able to check out books from the library again and I have t.v. and I will never be home and I when I am home I will have homework, so I don't need much money for entertainment.
I also have a plan to buy a condo when I am 25. The fact that my credit sucks right now might hender that, but as long as I have the money for the down payment by then I will consider the goal completed and just wait a few more yrs to actually buy it. I will still be saving some money even if it's not alot after that so hopefully I will be able to buy some more properties then. Maybe by then my credit will be excellent and I will be married to someone w/ excellent credit. Nah.... I would rather have it all in my name.
So that's my plan. It's going to be hard not buying any clothes until March, but I will only need clothes for school and that should be fine unless I loose more inches. If that happens I will not put the money I am going to save up for xmas presents in my savings in January and then I will just buy some cheap pants somewhere. I just hate being in debt and I want to get out as fast as possible.
I can't believe I start working tomorrow. I will get paid on the 20th. Actually, I budgeted for about 180 bucks less than what I should get, so I could buy some clothes then and put some money towards my phone and internet bill.

Here is a simplified version of the debate if you are still unsure who you are voting for, or still want to vote for Bush. lol

Damn I need to get laid. It's been like a week.

I am at Ross's now doing some laundry and taking care of him. I haven't played the sims in 2 days. I am pretty proud of myself. lol.

Last night I watched Mean Girls and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. I liked Mean Girls, it was cute. Lindsay Lohan has major cleavage in the whole thing. Eternal Sunshine, was really good too. If you like different movies. I liked it. It was romantic but not in the love is perfect kind of way. Jim Carey was sexy in it. I also saw Terminal on Friday. That was good too. Except Catherine Zeta-Jones' character was a bitch, but whatever.

Don't really have anything else to type. I still haven't found out when I start. Ross says I will know by Tuesday. I need to go to the library and pay all my late dues. It's just not the same as a bookstore though. I like the fact that in the bookstore the books are new and perfect and smell like new books. but oh well i can't afford new books right now.

Oh and I am no longer friends w/ the guy I played soccer w/. Just another example of how guys are nice until they either get some or find out they won't be getting some. I was hanging out w/ him and when I said I wanted to leave he said stay later I will give you a ride. Well then he asked if he could kiss me and I said no, then he pulled the whole stay later I will drive you home crap again and when I told him I had to leave he asked if I knew how to get home from there and he told me that there was a bus and a train. LOL. So I walked 45 minutes in the rain at night because this cocksucker didn't know the meaning of platonic and that just friends does not mean, I am seeing someone but I will fuck you on the side. Buy a dictionary

Here's a pretty funny blog of the debate last night.