Went to the running group w/ Lori, and guess who was there! Mimi!!! We love Mimi! It turned out to be that tonight was the sports bra fitting night and we got free pizza, salad, and fruit. When I went to get some soda to drink this really judgemental beotch was like "you want regular coke? are you sure? there's 10 tspoons of sugar in 1 can." chastising me because I wanted coke. Maybe I deserve some fucking regular coke?!! Then she sat in front of us and there was this really cute pregnant girl and I said I want to be pregnant, but only if I am that cute and she turned around and gave me a stupid look. Then there was this sports bra they were talking about and it was made to hide nipple errections. That's funny on it's ow, but it was called motion sensor. How could I not laugh!? Then she gave me the same stupid look. I was like damn, is your name robyn? Anyway, Lori and I ran 1 and a half miles w/o stopping to walk and then we only walked a very little bit on the way back and ran the rest. We walked the same amount that we normally would have walked for 1 walking break. Normally we would take 4 walking breaks. We are awesome!!!!!!!!! Also we went grocery shopping together, just another thing to bring us closer together as a couple. lol. I can't wait til Thursday!

It's official, Lori and I are a couple! Over the weekend when I went w/ Chloe to the bbq she said I could bring Lori if I wanted and I told her that Lori was out of town. She asked me if I was lost w/o Lori. Of course I was. lol. Well then I was telling Lori how cute Jon and Chloe are and how they were "tuting each other's horn" all night and it was really sweet and supportive. Later I told Lori that I mentioned her to Chloe's friend, who runs a theater company and I was saying how cute Lori is and that she can do these great accents and just how good she is. She also graduated w/ a major in theater. Lori looked at me and goes "AWWWW you were tuting my horn!" So yes Lori and I are an item. Not to mention we want to go on vacation together in the fall. I am so happy I found someone as crazy as I am.

Oh and yesterday at job numero dos I screwed up and left this couple waiting forever! I told them that I was sorry and that I looked for them but couldn't find them and then I forgot about them. They laughed it off and then after they ate the guy gave me his card and said he appreciated the honesty. He is the general manager for a really high end restaurant. Michael Jordan high end. I am so tempted to call him up.

Today some tourists came in and we were training Marci to fill in for us. They spoke spanish and went straight to Marci w/o even talking to me. It's like Hello! Pasty white girl could speak spanish too ya know. Actually after she told them where the sears tower was they came back asking for the bathroom. They came up to me and at first I was like oh shit, I don't speak spanish. Luckily they asked where the bathroom was and I remembered that word from highschool!!! If you would have asked me what the spanish word for bathroom was I wouldn't have been able to tell you. I looked at Marci and said "tell them it's at the mcdonalds" lol. Like my little translator pet. I was so proud of myself that I understood what she wanted! And Lori and I thought of another great mini that could be on our desk! Ellen!!! She could interview the other minis and she could dance all day. Lori confessed that the sad part about the whole thing was that she could actually picture that and I said I know, I got all excited that Ellen could be a mini and then I realized that we couldn't actually do that. :-( oh the things you halucinate after spending hours staring into space. It would be really cool to have a mini-Ellen dancing on our desk though. We need

It's official, Lori and I are a couple! Over the weekend when I went w/ Chloe to the bbq she said I could bring Lori if I wanted and I told her that Lori was out of town. She asked me if I was lost w/o Lori. Of course I was. lol. Well then I was telling Lori how cute Jon and Chloe are and how they were "tuting each other's horn" all night and it was really sweet and supportive. Later I told Lori that I mentioned her to Chloe's friend, who runs a theater company and I was saying how cute Lori is and that she can do these great accents and just how good she is. She also graduated w/ a major in theater. Lori looked at me and goes "AWWWW you were tuting my horn!" So yes Lori and I are an item. Not to mention we want to go on vacation together in the fall. I am so happy I found someone as crazy as I am.

Oh and yesterday at job numero dos I screwed up and left this couple waiting forever! I told them that I was sorry and that I looked for them but couldn't find them and then I forgot about them. They laughed it off and then after they ate the guy gave me his card and said he appreciated the honesty. He is the general manager for a really high end restaurant. Michael Jordan high end. I am so tempted to call him up.

Today some tourists came in and we were training Marci to fill in for us. They spoke spanish and went straight to Marci w/o even talking to me. It's like Hello! Pasty white girl could speak spanish too ya know. Actually after she told them where the sears tower was they came back asking for the bathroom. They came up to me and at first I was like oh shit, I don't speak spanish. Luckily they asked where the bathroom was and I remembered that word from highschool!!! If you would have asked me what the spanish word for bathroom was I wouldn't have been able to tell you. I looked at Marci and said "tell them it's at the mcdonalds" lol. Like my little translator pet. I was so proud of myself that I understood what she wanted! And Lori and I thought of another great mini that could be on our desk! Ellen!!! She could interview the other minis and she could dance all day. Lori confessed that the sad part about the whole thing was that she could actually picture that and I said I know, I got all excited that Ellen could be a mini and then I realized that we couldn't actually do that. :-( oh the things you halucinate after spending hours staring into space. It would be really cool to have a mini-Ellen dancing on our desk though. We n

This idiot on Dr. 90210 is getting breat implants so she can hide her insulin pump in her bra!!!!!!! Because that is a completely logical reason to get implants. This other chic is getting a lift and the dr. said there's a new lift that doesn't chop up the breasts. I won't get to see it though because I have to go to work. :-( tear.

Curses! I wish I could remember the code to put music on here! I was going to put Hanky Panky back on here, but now I heard a really coold song by the Pussycat Dolls and I want to put it on here. I am sure I will figure it out eventually.

Ya know, the whole point of getting drunk for me is the great drunk sex after me and my boytoy get home. W/o a boy toy there's no reason to drink. :-( No fun drunk sex for me. Chloe and John's friends are awesome! I loved them all. The bad part was they are all married. It really sucks because last week I needed a magazine and got Redbook which is a "housewife" magazine. It's for married women. Well they had this part that had 5 guys write about a moment in their marriage that made them closer to their wife or why they loved their wife and I was like "AAWWWW I want that." Not only do I want a husband, but I want a marriage that gets closer through the hard parts. So last month I wanted a baby and this month I want the husband, wow I need to get my priorities straight. lol. All their friends were married less than 5 yrs so they were all happily married and lovey dovey. It was so sweet. And Chloe and Jon are the perfect couple, not the one you hate, but the one that is so cute you just want to hug them and be them just a little.

I worked out today! yea! I also was reading this book I bought the other day and I got an amazing "tool" on how to deal w/ my panic attacks. First you write down your negative thoughts, then in the next column you write down which type of distorted thinking it is, i.e. overgeneralization, mind-reading, etc. then you write down a positive thought that is valid and "tells the lie in the negative thought." The trick is to actually write it down so you can see it and not just think it. It sounds corny, but it works. I am sure I will still freak out about things, but maybe this will help me. Anyway I am tired and I am going to pass out. Oh that reminds me, I am actually getting a hang of this drinking thing. The last 2 times I have been drinking I haven't actually gotten drunk. I am so proud of myself.

Since I didn't help Chloe move yesterday I agreed to go to a BBQ at one of her friend's house today. I am trying to expand my horizons. It's going to be rough because I will only know her and her fiance, but I can handle it. Deep breaths, the hermit is going out.

I had a tough week of being single, but today I feel better about it. Early this week I was telling Lori that I am going to take a cruise in September. It will a cruise to get my groove back. lol. not really, I am just trying to lie to myself so I can get through the next few months and not want to freak out and just start dating again. My goal is to use the next few months and not even think about guys. I haven't been doing so good. In h.s. when we had physical fitness tests I would tell myself just 5 more pushups and then I could take a break, but then I when I was finished w/ those 5 I would say it again. Well that's what I am going to do about getting a boyfriend. I am going to go on vacation in the fall, but it will be more just to pamper myself. Until then I am going to pretend that I will find a hot cabin boy to fulfill my every need. lol. I need help. I figure the first few months are going to be the hardest to get through so I need a time line.

I talked to Jamie last night. At first he thought we were getting back together, but I had to tell him that it's for the best and I want to be by myself. I felt bad because I just didn't want him to be mad about stuff that wasn't right.

I was supposed to either go to this boat party that I was invited to on Wed. or help Chloe and her fiance move and go to a party at their house, but I don't feel like doing either. I will help Chloe if she needs it, but I am not doing anything that I actually have to get ready for. I am just gonna clean and get groceries and relax.

I am exhausted and I don't really feel like posting. I went to see Sharonjoy after work today. That put me in a good mood for a little while. I also saw Rachel. She seemed sincere when she said that firing me was the hardest thing she has had to do at that job. I am tired, I will try posting about all the stuff going on over the weekend.

I am so tired but I can't fall asleep. I went out w/ Chloe, Nick, Lori, and Grezina after our meeting tonight. The guy was pretty much a waste of time. He kept saying how we shouldn't be so focused on our self and material possessions, well he kept talking himself the whole time, and he talked about his private plane that flew him out to Fiji, where he owned a house and spent 1 month every yr there eating food from a personal chef every night. I bought his book though. lol. I am such an impressionable, impulse buyer. He did make some good points it was just funny because he obviously didn't live by them. I had so much fun hanging out w/ everyone after the meeting though. By the time I got back though I just wanted someone to kiss and cuddle w/. :-( Jamie came and knocked on my door. He asked for his pillows back that I have been holding for the last week. I told him I wanted my pictures. I doubt I will get them. He can keep his I just want a copy. lol. I also realized it's been since about August I think that I have had really really good sex. Don't get my wrong Jamie was ok, and he had a couple of really good moments, but it wasn't really REALLY good. I am going to be so dead tomorrow.

I woke up so angry this morning. When Jamie first emailed me Lori mentioned how he contradicted himself by saying I always wanted to stay home and he wanted to go out and then for his birthday when I took him out he just wanted to stay home. Fine I can't do anything right. What really pisses me off though is that he admittedly blew me off for an Illini game, which I completely forgot about until he mentioned it, and then complained because after that and after him getting mad at me and not talking to me for a few days every week I stopped "acting like [he] was great" and made him wait while I did other stuff. I love it when guys get so pissed off and act like babies because a girl does something to them that they have been doing to the girl for awhile. Maybe if a guy wouldn't stop acting like a girl was special then maybe she wouldn't realize what an ass he really is. And really, what's w/ guys who are awesome friends turning into assholes after having sex w/ a girl? Anyway, I am grumpy and I can't wait to get to work so I can get into a better mood.

Alright, don't tell anyone I know that I said this, but I kinda like having 2 jobs. Yeah by the time I am done w/ the first one I don't want to go to the 2nd one, but I would much rather be there than sitting at home waiting for stuff that's not going to happen. I met the other new hostess tonight. My first impression was that she was trashy because she has bleached hair and over-plucked eyebrows and I didn't hear good reviews from Annie. I quickly changed my mind though. She is so cute! She has a Romanian accent and one of the first things she said to me was "that guy in there, the weirdo, he said they were late so he is going to have to spank them" It was cute for 2 reasons. One, hearing someone w/ a Romanian accent say spank is really funny. Second, she didn't understand why he would want to spank them since he wasn't actually mad. Oh the things I have to teach her. lol.
So this stupid ass meeting that I have tomorrow night that I will probably end up enjoying has gotten even dumber. We can't wear jeans. That pisses me off. I know I have a problem w/ authority, but still. First I am spending 2-3 hours w/ crazies 1 and 2 w/o overtime pay and now I can't even wear jeans. *sigh* They are lucky I like working w/ Lori so much. Who am I kidding, I am lucky they pay me 12/hr to sit on my ass w/ an awesome friend. No matter how close I get I am not leaving this job anytime soon. Unless they don't let me get out of the meetings for school. There was this weird guy at work (I am sure I could say that every day) He said that he brought me a gift on Friday, but I wasn't down there when he came through. I asked him what it was cuz I was nosey and I had no idea who he was or why he would bring me something, let alone what it could be. He said he still had it and he would bring it down but he never showed. Lori had a good laugh about me getting all the freaks. I am used to it by now. :-) Well I am going to bed because I am going to get up and work out again tomorrow. I am on a roll. I have worked out the last 2 days (not including running) I am doing my long term focus as legs so I am doing plenty of squats. But since that's my long term focus and I am running, my daily focuses are going to be 2 days core and 2 days upper body and 1 day flexibility. That just means that I do some leg work every work out but my main focus for that work out is going to be core/upper body/ flexibility. Actually maybe I will keep tomorrow as my day off so I don't get burnt out. Lori and I made it through our first week of running and we are still excited about it. Woo-hoo.

Another movie w/ John Hannah!!! I am such a lucky girl!

please scroll down to the post that says "as the day he was born" I just don't understand. Why? That's like these nightmares that I have where I leave the house naked and think that it's fine and I always leave the house naked, then I get to where I am going and no one is naked and I am all embarassed and I try to find something to wear and I can't.

After our run Lori and I were pretty proud of ourselves. We ran/walked the same path as before, but we walked just a little bit less. We are going to go again today. I got a new sports bra yesterday. The good news is that it works really well. The bad news is that it looks like a bra my Gram's would have. Ew. After the run I kinda wanted to play soccer and I thought that maybe that would be a good way for Jamie to get out his aggression. I asked him if he wanted to go and get out some aggression and he asked, "Why, you got a baseball bat?" I said no, but I have a soccer ball. His reply was, "Well I need a bat, I need to break things." I looked at him for a second to see if he was serious and then turned around and left saying, "Whatever, don't say I didn't try." He is so mellow dramatic. Then I called Annie @ my other job and told her I wouldn't be able to work for her last night because I was way too tired. She said that I was going to have to work no matter what when I picked up my shifts whether I was tired or not. I told her I know and I already told Ky that I only wanted to work 3 days a week, preferably Monday, Thursday, Friday or Monday, Wednesday, Friday. It really pissed me off when she said that because it's her own fault that she is overworked and I don't want to or have to put myself in that position. Until she started saying stuff like that I felt really guilty not doing it. Lori came over to watch Dr. Shivago. We don't know if I look like any of the girls in the movie, but we think the closest is the blonde. Well I hope so anyway. There's an A side and a B side to the disk, but it's not labeled like that so I just put it in and we ended up watching the second half first and not getting any of it. After watching the first have I think it just might be a good movie. I have to watch it all again sometime.

i channel surfed and found this stupid movie that John Hannah is in. He talks about bugs and it doesn't matter. He can talk about bugs and still be so freakin hot just because he opens his mouth.

Lori and I are going running at 10. I can't wait. I was retarded and left my sneakers at work yesterday so I have to go and get some running shoes.

Email's from an ex (the first one is at the bottom)

Jamie wrote me this really mean email that I woke up to this morning. At first I was going to just fight his email w/ one of my own, line for line, but I don't feel like it. I am so sick of fighting w/ people. Plus it's no fun when I know he is just doing it because he's hurt. If he was doing it because he was an ass, now that's a different story. Plus I am freakin exhausted and couldn't even finish the last response. I just stopped. lol. I have a really funny laxative story too, but I am too tired to type it.

my final response

nice I like how you can chicken out and just go off in an email. whatever.
I have already decided that you can go ahead and yell at me all you want in an email or to my face, i will read it or i will listen, but i won't reply. I know you are hurt and I know exactly how you feel, but I am not going to do this. if you can be friends w/ someone who used you and then blew you off, but you can't be friends w/ someone who genuinly cares for you then fine. I can't do anything about that. it's a shame though. i am not going to argue about and I am not going to fight w/ you, but i know you probably need to get it all out of your system before you can really move on. I am the same way.

Jamie's:

I said what I had to say. No more email. If this conversation continues, it will be by the same means that human beings have used for thousands of years. Face to face. Otherwise don't bother

My response to Jamie's very mean letter:

first of all I don't have time to respond to all of this now. second, when the hell did you ever initiate anything? i got pretty damn tired of always having to be the first one to try and have sex w/ you. I tried being w/ you on your birthday. I was goddamn fucking exhausted. the reason we were always in my room is because I got home first and was usually watching tv when you got home and of course you came in here for that. i didn't have to sleep in your room when my computer was busted. i cuddled w/ you every freakin time you were in here. if you felt that you were taking a backseat to me then you should have said something a hell of a lot sooner. maybe i just got used to the fact that i had to occupy my time and not wait around to hang out w/ you because you always had stuff to do. do you not remember the first couple of weeks we lived together? i was the one that brought up the fact that we saw eachother more before we moved in together. every time you got mad and wouldn't talk to me i went to you and asked you what was wrong. except this last time because i was over it. i know exactly when we "broke up" it was over the fucking porn search on your computer. I tried telling you i would have a problem getting over it no matter what you said because of my own shit. you never fucking fought for me. i don't know what you think you did but you didn't do anything. you didn't come after me, you didn't even want to go to a doctor, and you just shrugged off something that is a huge deal to me when you dropped the porn issue after you gave me some excuse about it being an old search. you never slept in my room either during the week. i already told you i am not going to feel awkward or like I have to hide in this apartment, if you feel the need to avoid me then you can avoid me. i'm sorry but you were pretty fucking inconsiderate that night when you went to watch the game, and i did not scream like a banshee at you. i remember barely talki ng to you and yelled over my shoulder for you to go home because you were half a block away. i never yelled at you when i got mad. you wrote the nasty emails and didnt talk to me. i love how much shit changes once someone really goes out of thier way to hurt someone or blame them.

Jamie's really mean email

Well you asked for it, so here ya go!!
You think this is about my birthday!! HAH!! We broke up weeks ago. There was a time when I think you were actually genuinely interested in being with me. But that ended quite a while back. When exactly I don't know. But when day after day, you were too tired, or too grumpy from work, or not feeling well, or to sore from working out , or too whatever to spend some quality time together, how the fuck was I supposed to respond? Time after time, I was left to twidle my thumbs because my girlfriend couldn't bring herself to be with me. You complained about me surfing porn and wackin' off? What the hell was I supposed to do when I only got to touch my girlfriend once a freakin' weak!! Did I expect our relationship to just be about sex? Of course not, but I have needs just like everyone else. Think about it. When was the last time YOU initiated any kind of intimacy? When wa s the last time YOU held MY hand? When was the last time YOU cuddled with ME? When was the last time you touched me without any kind of suggestion or direction from me? When was the last time that touched me because YOU wanted to? I mean shit, the only reason you slept in my bed was 'cause your computer was busted. I sat there at work and had to decide, "Do I stay and work some good overtime, or do I go home and spend time with Elisha?" I decided many times to pass up plenty of overtime (and the money that goes with it) so that I could spend what few hours during the night with you that I could before you had to go to bed. I came home and there was always some reason why I had to take a back seat while you surfed the net, or played the Sims, or read, or whatever. I always wanted to go do something and you always wanted to just sit around the dam house. Think about this, how nights did I spend time in you r room, and how many times did you come into mine. If I had always gone straight to my room when I got home, we would never have seen each other.
Did I EXPECT to have sex on my birthday? Not in the sense that it was required, but come on! I would think that you would have wanted to, but the fact that you didn't want to be with me on my birthday really hurt. I mean shit, it was all I could do just to get a kiss out of you that night. IT WAS MY FUCKING BRITHDAY!! I didn't want a fucking card. I didn't care about some fancy dinner. I didn't even care about going out that much. All I wanted for my birthday was YOU. Was that asking too damm much?
Ya know, something occured to me yesterday that you might want to think about. You give me all this shit, and call me immature for how I act when I get mad. Man, if that's not the pot calling the kettle black! How many times did you fly off the fucking handle when you got mad. Remember that night you got all pissed 'cause I went with Mike to watch the game instead being with you? You were fuckin' screaming like a banshee. Now most guys probably would have listened when you turned around and yelled at me to "just go home", but me, I'm stupid. See instead of getting all defensive and running away as you suggested, I took the offensive stance and got in your face about it. See if ya care about someone and want to get to know them, ya do that kind of thing. You don't run away when the tough gets going. See it's the people that are there when times are tough that matter the most in a person's life. So ask you rself, where you there whenever I got mad? See, you scream and yell when you get mad. I don't. I was never specificlly giving YOU the silent treatment. That's just how I am when I get mad. I clam up, even at work they can tell when I'm mad. It doesn't matter why, or what I'm mad about. I don't express anger very well. You complain that I didn't talk when I was mad? Well guess what, the people that mean the most to me are the ones that took the time to talk to me anyway, even though I was to mad to talk. I can't remember one time when you got in my face when I was mad. You wanted me to be there for you, but you weren't able or willing to be there for me. Communication is a two way street. Just because I'm not talking, doesn't mean you can't. Did you bother to call me when I was gone last weekend? No. That if anything sums up my point. You have to be willing to fight for someone. Sometimes, you even have to fight themselves. I fought for you. You never fought for me.
What it comes down to is really simple. You always TALKED about great I am. But you stopped ACTING like it. Talk is cheap!

Oh, and how you feel around me is not my problem anymore. You're just a roommate now. And uhh, when was the last time you talked to me? Goes both ways.

damn, I'm tired. I had a good time though. I can't wait until Saturday! Second pay day, I think I might go shopping or get my hair dyed. Plus Lori and I will get to go for a jog again. I can't wait, even though I am still sore from the first time. I think I might just like work.

Guys are fucking insane! Maybe I woke up in a bad mood, but Jamie emailed me and oh my god it pissed me off.


I was telling Mike about your new job, and that maybe we might get a hook-up on some ribs.

Also, I should give you fair warning. It would be best for you to stay clear of me for a while. I make no promises as to the civility of my behavior. I have yet to hear any kind of explanation. In simple words, I'm not gonna be very pleasant to be around for some time. I think the keep-the-bedroom-doors-closed policy would be good to follow for the next number of weeks.

my not very nice response
what the hell do you mean you haven't heard any sort of explanation? what is there for me to explain. you are the one that needs to explain your immature, rash, and unreasonable behavior. And tell me why I would give you a hook up on ribs after you talk to me like that? After you haven't talked to me for what 5 days now? And you blew me off w/o any kind of explanation on Saturday. I want to be friends, but I am not going to constantly be put through shit everyday and I am not going to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own apartment and like I can't leave my room when you are here.
I told him why he didn't get any on his birthday. And why should I sneak around to avoid him when he is the lame ass who dumped me in a letter? If he doesn't want to see me he can fucking avoid me. Not the other way around. I was fine yesterday, but today I am pretty pissed. Why the fuck do guys do the stupid shit that they do?

I am sore and exhausted. I had a shitty day at work too. I love Starbucks spearmint gum and the sugarfree vanilla chi tea. It has as much caffeine as an espresso. I got my prescription refilled last night woohoo. damn I am tired.

I never knew that I could me people as awesome as I have met since I have moved to Chicago. It makes me so grateful that I moved. To find the type of people that I have found that are now in my life amazes me. Ross was there for me when no one else was and is just an awesome (and perverterd :-) ) person who I neglect way to much. Then there's Jamie, who even though acted like a loser and dumped me w/ a letter, blows me away by how unselfish and caring he is. Lori cracks my ass up beyond words, Ralph has the most unique way of talking about things and looking at the world and just being. And * and George who I neglect more than anyone. And Keith who's the best dad I could imagine. And CL, well, lol. I don't know exactly yet, but I know that for the first time there's someone that I don't want to get to know through email or other means and that I actually want to spend time getting to know him in person. Even though I semi-tease him about wanting his hot body, lol, there's just something there that I want to get to know and I feel like I need to be w/ him in person to find that out, and at least right now I could careless if I ever have sex w/ him as long as I get to know him. Anyway I am rambling. My point is that I'm not alone any more. Even if everyone of these people walk away tomorrow and I am crushed, I know that there's going to be someone just as inspiring around the corner. Not that because of that I take them for granted, I mean that I feel so lucky and thankful that there are so many inspiring people and that I finally found some and I feel so blessed that I get to be in their lives and they get to be in mine. I want to make a family. A family of all the people that I care about and want to protect and take care of and that inspire me and make me feel like not being a hermit can be worth it. Ralph and I talked quite a bit tonight and the stuff he told me made me want to cry. Sometimes I think it's weird that the majority of my friends are guys. I feel a little like Dorothy. Anyway I am exhausted and probably dellusional and I will be back to my depressed and self-pitying ways tomorrow when I wake up. The funny thing is that I started this post feeling depressed and then I thought about how amazing the people in my life are and how lucky I am to have haphazardly stumbled across them all in the weirdest possible ways. No one has ever called me conventional

Lori and I jogged/walked 3 miles in 45 minutes. Then she came over and read "the letter" and my reply which she thought was way too nice and that I should do a rewrite. Then I took a bath and I am getting ready to pass out after I clean my room a bit. Maybe I will walk to the grocery store. I need some food.

An interesting turn of events.....

I got dumped. lol. *shakes head at the irony of it all* It definitely doesn't hurt as bad as when Kyle did it and I would like to think that's because I still have a ton of respect for Jamie. Lori and I were talking this morning and I debated on giving him a letter because we haven't talked in 4 days and I think that he is working nights this week and I didn't want to drag it out anymore. Well I needn't have worried because I came home to a letter. lol. It sucks because he does mean alot to me and I miss not being able to laugh and joke w/ him. Although I feel very good about the fact that neither one of us wants to drag it out and that hopefully in a little while we can still be friends. It does suck though because I want to be there for him and I am the one person who can't.

In other news, much less interesting........Lori and I laughed our asses off all day long. I told her how I read in a book that when someone is interested in something they see their eyebrows go up and normally it's a fraction of an inch and barely noticeable but the last few days it seemed like every other guy's eyebrows shot up to their hairline when they said hello. She decided she was going to look at people's eyebrows to test this theory. Well first she said hello to the russian cleaning lady and the woman's eyebrows shot up, lol, then she said hello to Bernard, the teddy bear of a security officer that I would not want to meet in a dark alley, but the thing was she "accidentally" winked at him when she said it and then his eyebrows shot up! lol. How do you accidentally wink at someone!? Then we were seeing who could check in more visitors since yesterday I won even though everyone passes me up even when I am obviously not doing a damn thing to go to Lori who just as obviously has a million things going on. Well I kicked her ass again today. Like 150 to 120 or something like that. (it was a slow day) Anyway we don't check in contractors they go through the freight elevator. This guy comes up and goes straight over to her, obviously he is a contractor. Just as obviously she is going to ignore this so she can catch up to me. Well being the little snot that I am, I ask in a very sweet and helpful voice "are you a contractor?" Then when he says "yes" I break into a fit of victorious laughter as Lori scowls at me. Then as she goes on her 10 minute break I look innocently at her and call out "Have fun losing while your gone." She called me a badge whore because I wouldn't even wait for people to get close to the desk before I would greet them. Anyway, I am sure you had to be there, but it goes to show just how bored we are. I must say though, we probably have more fun than anyone ever should at work, and the best part is, it's simple fun. There were quite a few other hilarious moments throughout the day but I have to get ready for my running group.

Oh and I think that CL is right and Jamie does read my blog after all. Who knows.

First night on the second job. Not too shabby. I screwed up of course, and I wore jeans. I will get the hang of it. My next night is Thursday. They wanted me to work tomorrow, but I can't blow off Lori on our first running group night. Today was her first day back! Woo-hoo. I haven't laughed so hard in 5 damn days. There's this guy who was such an asshole the first day I gave him a pass, so in order to not have to deal w/ him I have his pass already made when he comes in. Well last week he "forgot" it upstairs 3 times a day. I made the mistake of telling Lori that he thinks I like him because of the badge thing. Seriously dude, it's just a badge. But anyway so then she is making fun of me everytime he comes down and she tell R. Her reaction is that he looks weird because he has a concave ass. Thanks for the mental image, I hadn't noticed. I got up and did some yoga this morning. So far I like the people that I work w/ at the restaurant. Except Nancy, she's a bitch. She's like Crazy # 2. I am just so happy to be out of the apartment, especially since Jamie is still being an ass. He hasn't come home yet tonight. Oh well. Oh and I get free food! woohoo. I love perks. :-D I am going to go to bed and have sweet dreams about being single and paying off my bills. Oh and I talked to this firefight that always comes in to inspect the offices. (He usually lets me wear his hat, not the helmet, but the really cool hat) I told him I got another job and he asked if I was really that greedy. HA! As if 12 bucks an hour is so much money. He's so lucky he lets me wear that hat or I would be so pissed at him. lol. jk. He's a funny guy, he entertains us w/ stories about his wife. lol. Oh and we might be getting the internet.......

Ross stopped by w/ his extremely cute wife! I can't believe they are back already! They had to leave their daughter w/ her Aunt for 16 months! I wanted to punch someone in the face when I heard that. How can they just break up a family?! Stupid people. Ross had fun telling me I told you so about Jamie. That's ok, cuz I had fun telling him I told you so about Marisa. He was a bit more gracious about it than I was. He should be though, it's not everyday someone can tell him he's wrong, it's about every other day someone can tell me "I told you so."
Oh my new job is being a hostess.

I start my new job tomorrow at 6!

and this is why I won't go into the ocean, they just swam into a lair of jellyfish!!!!! Jellyfish scare the living hell out of me. They couldn't see them! scary

Jamie is home, I think, and still not talking to me. I am watching Open Water, hopefully it's good. I am going to send my movies back tomorrow (the guy in open water is pretty cute) I am going to move Dr. Shivago and Lost In Translation to the top of my que for Netflix. CL thinks that the girl in that movie reminds him of me. Don't know if that's a good thing or not. (the girl in open water is pretty cute too) I applied to a couple of different jobs today. I think I might have one. I would be a hostess for a place about a block away and they don't mind if I can't work on Tuesday's because of my running group w/ Lori. Sweet!

Oh I forgot to mention, I think Jamie stayed at his parent's house last night. If he wants to be mad because I didn't put out, then fine. I didn't sleep well the last few nights and I was exhausted from eating all that food. There's no reason to drag it out like this and I am sick of getting the silent treatment for petty stuff every week. He knows I don't like it and at this point I think that's the only reason he does it.

Yesterday I just sat around being lazy. I did clean my room a bit though. I also watched We Don't Live Here Anymore. I don't recommend it. For a movie that's all about sex, it's pretty damn boring. I woke up w/ a splitting sinus headache. I haven't had one in so long I almost forgot about them. Today I am going to do laundry and maybe pick up a little bit of groceries. I am also going to try and watch Open Water, but I have a feeling it's not going to be that great either.

I don't think Jamie is talking to me right now. I think it's because he didn't get any birthday sex. I would be pissed too. Although I have no sympathy for him because again he is showing me that he's mad by giving me the silent treatment. Fine by me. I think I am going to watch a movie. I want to do something but it's a bit too cool outside to do anything. Mike is having the apartment painted today.

I took Jamie to Fogo De Chao last night for his birthday. It was heaven on earth. People just appear out of nowhere w/ all this food. It's a whirlwind. They come at you from every angle. I want to live there. I told Jamie I wanted to be rich so I could have this every day. He said I would have it at my house. I told him "I know that's what I meant" lol. I had filet mingnot for the first time. I could do w/o the bacon but the rest was so damn good. We walked home and then I stayed up playing the sims for about 30 minutes and then passed out. The first good nights sleep I have had in a while. I went to bed after 11 Thursday night and got up at 4:30 Friday morning. I am surprised I stayed up so late last night. Jamie went out and partied so he is going to be hung over pretty bad today.

Craziness from work......
Ms. P. came by yesterday morning. She was showing off her new crazy.....K. He seems like such a kiss ass. He came around the desk, looked at everything that was there (just like L. does) and then went around and actually whispered stuff in Ms. P.'s ear! Then they watched me check in people. A tenant of the building, whom I have never met before, came up to register a guest. I said "Wonderful" and asked for his tenant badge and the other gentleman's ID and what company the guy was from. I gave them his badge. Ms. P. said that I should have said "How wonderful to see you again" and made a big deal about all of it, because the guy was trying to impress his guest. First of all I highly doubt that a tenant of the building is bringing someone by our desk to impress someone. They do it so the person doesn't feel like it's a waste of time and so we don't have to call up. But anyway she went on and on about how I should have smiled at the old man, even though I just want to smile at the young ones (I was so pissed that she said that) and that I should have acted like I knew him, when I didn't because he had never been to the desk. If I would have acted like I knew him, I wouldn't have been able to ask for his building ID w/o looking like a retard. She said some other things, but I zoned out. Oh she also said that I shouldn't look down while I am at the desk, because when they walked up I was looking down and that people walking up the corridor want validation from me and want me to notice them. I told them I was putting in the list of names for a few companies and that in order to do that I needed to read the list.(ok I didn't add the part about reading the list I just showed it to her) She seemed relieved that I was working. Also L. called me because the BM said there was a visitor yesterday that had to wait for 30 minutes to get upstairs. I told her that that was not true, and if they waited at all it was because Grezina (since it was around 4 they were trying to blame her, Ms. P. also called the day before to tell me that Nancy thought Grezina was too slow) couldn't get a hold of anyone in that office to let them up so she had to do a security escort which does take freakin forever. I told her that I did a few escorts yesterday and even one for that company so it was probably me, and that I couldn't help it if it took that long. It's the security officer's job for that. Well N. w/ security reviewed the tapes from yesterday and no one waited that long to get up stairs around the time that they mentioned. So the visitor or the receptionist was full of crap. Grezina and I were happy that there was proof that they were wrong. We both knew they were. I just hated it that they assumed it was Grezina right away. Anyway that's most of the craziness from yesterday.

I am so retarded. I am very physically attracted to CL. We have only hugged once and other than that have had very little physical contact. Being the dumb ass that I am when it comes to guys, I think I am putting some of the shit w/ Keith onto him. He is just an innocent by stander in my crazy life. So anyway, I emailed him to ask him where I stood w/ him. I am terrified that because I feel as physically attracted to him as I did w/ Keith that I am going to get my heart broken again and I freaked out for a second. I am a little bit better now, but I have no idea how I am going to control what goes through my mind, or my hormones. I need to just get it in my head right now that it's nothing more than friendship. I hate this, I have these onesided fucked up relationships. Whether it's friends or guys. Anyway I am not going to go on and on like I usually do. I just had to get that out.

Oh yeah. I went to pick up my medicine for my inconvienent bladder problem. W/o insurance it's 101 bucks and some change! I'm angry. lol. Fuck it's been a long day.

Today was god awful. The very first person I checked in was an employee w/ a shitty attitude. It took less than 2 minutes to get her a pass, but as soon as I handed her the pass she stomped away saying "OH MY GGGAAWWWDD" like a 13 year old. Then it just got worse. It seemed everyone was huffy today. The receptionist from one company hung up on me after yelling at me because there was a list downstairs and she knew it. It turns out there was one for yesterday and one for tomorrow, but not today. Which I tried explaining to her. Plus we were really busy in the morning and I have been up since 4. Oh and Crazy#1 decided to call me to talk about how Grezina is doing. I didn't listen to what she was saying considering there was a long line of people, but I know she was saying that Grezina wasn't fast enough. This isn't Grezina's job, she's the receptionist at the office and she is only going to be subbing here and there. Then in the afternoon I was bored to tears staring at the wall. One more day and it's the weekend. Woohoo....
I tried to take a nap after work, but I kept getting right on the edge of sleep and then coming awake. I am going to go and pick up my medication finally and grab something to eat. Oh and I started the second book in the series, it is hard to get into because it's mainly about the 2 main character's from the first book's kid. I don't care about the kid. I want more of Claire and Jamie. I love Claire and Jamie. 6 books is definitely not enough.

Working the 7-4 shift is kind of nice. I made the mistake of riding my bike to work today. The ride home was freezing and exhausting. I am almost finished w/ my book. It's so damn intense at the end. I wanted to go out of the house tonight, but I just laid in bed and emailed back and forth w/ CL. He scared the hell out of me this morning. I went to Starbucks and was waiting for my hot chocolate and he got in line behind me and said something to me. It was a nice surprise though. I didn't want to spend $400 on an ipod, but I think I might have to save up and spend 300 on a side kick. So far the money from my change is about 16 bucks. I'm almost there. lol. I thought about getting something sooner and then I thought about the bills I could pay w/ that. At the end of next month Dr. A will be paid off. I am still trying to get a part time job on the weekends. I am definitely relaxing about all the bills though. If I can't get them paid of by September, I know they will paid off soon after. I just have to go as much as I can at a time. If I can't pay as much one month because I need to do something for myself, then I can't pay as much. I think I am going to try and walk to walgreens to pick up my prescription

I went to the park and read my book for about an hour. Then Jamie finally showed up. I was pretty ticked off that he took so long to get there after I told him I had to go to bed early (I have to work Lori's 7-4 shift for the rest of the week.) Well I took it out on the soccer ball and actually got in some decent practice. We played pretty hard and made each other run after it a few times. I think he pulled his groin though. lol. oops. Luckily for me we made it just in time for me to do a few things and crawl into bed.

I wanted to go and play soccer, but it's so friggin hot! How does it go from freezing to burning up in less than a week? Oh well it's better than freezing.

So anyway, I am sure by now it's obvious that I easily confuse lust for love. I have come to except the fact that I am a very lustful person and that just because I lust after them doesn't make me crazy, it just makes me damn horny. Which also sucks. Jamie accidentally woke me up at about 1:30 this morning because he came into my room to get a vase. He brought me some flowers back from his parents. He is so sweet. I was up until about 3:30am though. I am hopefully going to take him to Fogo De Chao for his birthday. He's been wanting to go there forever. Unfortunately I can't do what I did for valentine's day for him, but maybe it's just as well. Anyway since I couldn't sleep this morning I put some fresh batteries in the rabbit and had a little party. I slept like a baby afterwards. I think I am just going to have to start doing that before I go to bed every night. Everyone describes love as being such an awesome thing, but no one describes what lust is really like. That could be dangerous. I have lusted after a few guys :-D but since I didn't realize it was lust I thought I was in love w/ them. Maybe I am just really slow, but if lust is such a strong feeling then I can't even imagine what love will be like. I probably will go insane if I ever actually fall in love with someone.

I am so excited! Grezina is covering for Lori for the rest of the week!!!! Lori is going home for her graduation and Grezina gets to cover. I was terrified L. would cover and the rest of the week would suck.

I think I am going to go and wander around outside.

I read a pretty good quote yesterday

"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?" -- Lao-Tzu

Obviously I don't. There are some days when I am so hard on myself that I have suicidal thoughts because I just don't want to think any more. I called my doctor to set up an appointment with him, but I don't know if it will actually do any good.

Today sucked! I was so exhausted all day and then I started getting cramps and feeling so sick. I was going to go to the cubs game w/ CL, but because of all the craziness that was this weekend, I am not. I was a little bit bitter about it today because it was almost just as much his fault and I was just feeling bummed about it. But then I kicked my ass and told myself to straighten up. I am sick of that stupid exciting feeling when you meet someone you like. The first couple of times it's great, but after I realized that it's going to happen w/ any guy I meet that I think is attractive and nice etc. I just don't want to deal w/ it. It's too much. I get my hopes up for nothing when I should just not care. I was thinking at work (because work is boring and I have nothing better to do, it's a good thing me and Keith are over, I would be driving him nuts right now. lol) I was thinking about what if CL and I dated.....ok then we break up and I meet someone else that I get all excited about and then we break up and etc. It's damn exhausting just thinking about it.

Lori and I are going to run a half marathon. I think we are going to die.

I rode the bus home w/ A. today, one of the not-so-crazies from the office. He happened to be at the bus stop and waiting for the same bus. He's funny. He thinks the office is insane too. We laughed. lol

Ralph called today. About a month ago he dumped his girlfriend and wanted to go out w/ me, but I said no. Apparently now he is back w/ his ex and they are doing ok. He said he was going to call me again sometime. He is going to Florida at the end of the month for a singing competition. I told him if I didn't hear from him by then, good luck. He is going to kick everyone's ass.

Ok Jamie is about to die. He changed his plans for today and decided to stay home and do stuff w/ me. At first this sounded fun. Now however, I want to jump on him and tickle the crap out of him until he starts to cry. He slept in until I just woke him up at 10:30 and now he is putting around. I have a nickname for when he does this. It's not very creative, but it's fitting. I call him Putter. When he has shit to do he rushes me and spits out the infamous quote "We're on my schedule" Even though I am not putting by any means. Now he wants to take a shower, make phone calls, and various other pointless activities all while moving at the speed of slug. I want to go. I want to get out of the apartment and do stuff. I want to go to the zoo and sketch and read and lay out in the grass. But nooooooo I am waiting for putter. He's the pokey little puppy. GGGRRRRRRRRRR.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I found this at Joanne's blog and thought I would give it a try.

Crash was such an awesome movie! It was so intense. At first it's nothing but in your face racism and then in jumps into these dramatic, suspensefull rollercoaster scenes. One second you are holding your breath and the next you are sighing w/ relief, but before you have even gotten it all out you are holding your breath again. After the movie Lori and I stopped by the shoe store to check out their running programs. I think we are going to do the Tuesday one. She came up to my apartment to get a book that I was telling her about and to see the place. She lives in a studio and now I think she understands how I can live here and it's just about the apartment and not about Jamie. lol


I went for a walk w/ CL. Trust me at first I was a little nervous. I figured if he was reading my journal before we met and he really was a crazy stalker then he wouldn't come around again so I figured I was pretty safe and at worst he was only mildly creepy ;-D As it turns out he thought I knew already and that he was waiting for me to bring it up again. I thought he would bring it up. So anyway it was just a misunderstanding. I am such a dork. He said something really awesome about my drawings and at the time I remember thinking, "damn that's good. I have to remember that" and I am kicking myself because I can't remember. I know he said it was a really good surprise, but I wanted to remember the way he said it. He also said something along the lines of after he got passed my ranting about him, he actually learned something that helped. I was impressed w/ that because usually people get stuck on the ranting. Unfortunately I seem to have the really bad habit of letting the word date slip out of my mouth whenever he is around :-D Doh! Yesterday I felt really weird about the whole situation and I just got this whole other image of him in my head than what was there before. After talking w/ him today though there is nothing left of the new image.

I tried talking to Jamie tonight. I told him that I was confused and while I liked him alot I didn't know if I loved him. I also told him that it felt like I was trying to talk myself into loving him because he treats me so great. We were having a pretty good discussion until Mike came in and started talking about how he is going to cut a big hole in the kitchen wall in a couple of weeks. Now I plan on eating some dinner and then watching a movie before I pass out.

I tried to drag Jamie out of bed to go get some lunch with me but he just wouldn't move. I finally let is stinky butt in bed and went by myself. I just want to thank him for not going. I ended up going to Boston Market and while I was in line an older gentleman offered to buy me lunch. I said no thank you, but he insisted saying that he likes to do something good w/ no strings attached for one person every day. Well after his gallant speech I felt guilty for saying no so I agreed. I was just going to get my food to go and come home, but I decided to stay and have lunch w/ him. We had a really good time. I found out he is turning 50 on May 29th and that he used to be in advertising until he had a stress related heart attack. Now he drives charter buses for kids all around and he is from Kentucky. He has 2 kids of his own and a grandbaby coming any day now. It was so much fun talking to him. I love it when spontaneous stuff like that happens. He is going to be at the Navy Pier later w/ the students that he is driving.

Right now I am listening to my fave Dave Matthews' songs while I clean my room. They make me think of Kyle, but in a good way. Later I plan on going to my meeting and then if Jamie can get his hung-over butt out of bed maybe I can get him to meet me at the zoo. Damn, nevermind I am going to the matinee w/ Lori, maybe the zoo afterwards.

Oh the crazy shit that was going on Thursday night was that CL has been reading my journal. If you didn't figure that out already. It really freaked me out on Thursday night when I found out about it and that's the main reason I was pissed at him. I think if I wouldn't have found that out before he blew me off I would not have gotten been so annoyed and then I would have still wanted to go to the Cubs game on Monday. But if someone that I barely know is going to find my shit and read it and not be upfront about it then why would I trust that person. I sure as hell wouldn't want to go to their house or be alone w/ them. It really creeped me out. He's been reading it since before last Friday. That's really fuckin weird. Plus I really wanted to confront him about it on Friday and he messed up my plans. lol. But it obviously made me really nervous about going to the game w/ him.

what the hell one more for the day....

I talked to Keith tonight...(hi, Keith. lol) it felt pretty good. I am relieved to find out I didn't get mad at him and we had stuff to talk about. It was good.

Another pet peeve of mine....when people I know read my blog and think that I don't know about it. Ok, this excludes Keith and Kenny and anyone that I have actually given the address to. I guess people don't realize that not only do I know it's you, but I know when you started reading it and how often you do it. Just think about it for a second. The reasons people read my journal are 1 they want to read about themselves or 2 they want to use it against me. Either to win an arguement or manipulate me. It's pretty sad and petty. The reason I give people the address is because I care about them and think that maybe it will help them understand me a bit better if I do something crazy. It usually doesn't work so I quit giving it out. Plus it's harder to vent about people if you know it's going to result in a fight later on. Any way back to the topic. It just sucks that people have to be sneaky about it...or at least think that they are sneaky about it. It kinda makes me laugh a little though. They think they are getting one up on me and yet, they're not. I don't think people take me seriously when I tell them that if someone is hiding something from me I find it. Not because I snoop, but because it just happens. This is a little less sixth sense and a little more technology, but it still counts. If you think you are hiding something from me, there's a good chance I already know it.

I love today. It is the perfect example of why I moved to Chicago. I went to the bookstore then I rode my bike around for a bit and then went to grab some food. Now I am arguing about going to the cubs game. Seriously, how can you know someone for a week and already be fighting? I don't care about a baseball game, I wanted to go to hang out and get to know him better and just have fun. Same as tonight, I didn't care what we did I just wanted to hang out. Now it's this huge thing and to me it seems like he is being melodramatic about the whole thing. Maybe it's because we haven't actually talked, just emailed so he doesn't realize that up until now I wasn't mad. Either way I told him several times that I wasn't mad and I told him twice that I still wanted to go. I HATE it when a guy says I am not going to beg you. Who would actually want to be begged? If a guy begged me to do something it would be a total turn off, just like whining. I like dominant older men for a reason. Then he said he would just take someone else to the game because I wouldn't answer if I wanted to go. I already said I would 3 times, including when I originally said I would go. That reminds me of when I was 18 and went to buy a car. The woman raised the price of it when I went to sign the papers so I said I would have to think about it. I wanted to turn her down then, but I felt bad. I probably would have bought it anyway, but then she said "It's a great car, I know a lot of other people will want it" Bam, there went all the guilt. Go ahead and sell the bitch then. I hate it when people try to manipulate me. I mean who the hell doesn't. And that's what it feels like he is doing.

So the guy from Craig's List blew me off for the bulls tonight. It's not really that big of a deal especially since we are just friends, but it's pretty annoying. I don't make plans w/ too many people. Plus he is just going to watch it on TV. And then he expected me to still want to go to the cubs game on monday. For some reason I just didn't feel like saying yes. At first I didn't really care at all, but I don't know now I feel like, why should I bother. Being blown off is a pet peeve of mine. I just think it's rude. It's one thing if it can't be helped, but to watch tv? Ok, yes it's the playoffs and I know that's important, but I hate that guys think sporting events are a reason to be jerks. Just because they're guys and it's sports and guys put sports above everything. I wasn't mad when he just wanted to go and watch the game, I am sure what really made me annoyed was that he text messaged me later and said come on I'm a guy. That's so lame. Plus he text messaged me to tell me he was blowing me off and didn't even come over today. Chicken. But anyway....

Lori and I are going to see Crash tomorrow. I can't wait. We are also going to see Wicked sometime.

I want to go play soccer pretty bad, but no one to play with. It's perfect outside for it too. A nice warm rain, warm breeze. I think I will walk to the bookstore.

Great News!

The sixth book of the Outlander series is coming out at the end of September!!! That means my goal of reading any classic novels is out the window until about November because I will be emmersed into a world of time travel, hot scottish men, true love, and endless adventure. Oh and some decent sex scenes that doesn't involve words like love pole and hot velvet love shaft or love button or her warm velvety folds. etc etc etc.

Speaking of Ms. P's craziness she came to the building for a meeting today. Luckily Lori got to go to this meeting and not me. R. really pissed me off this morning. You would think she is an independent free thinking, smart woman. But really she is just as crazy as the rest. She gets so mad at me and Lori because we don't suck up to L. and Ms. P. and because we don't care about their crazy bullshit and sucking up to them. I don't even type most of the crap that goes on because I would be typing all day. For instance today after the meeting she came up to the desk and I was helping a visitor, she stood on one side of him and said "high fives! highfives!" I didn't pay any attention because I thought it was a little kid and I was helping someone. She moved to the other side and did it again! then she went back to his other side and told me to smile. She did this while putting her hand up to her mouth in the shape of a V and pushing the corners of her mouth up. Now, if you have ever seen a really nasty pervert give a gesture of oral sex on a female, that's what it looked like she was doing. With a demented smile on her face. She also sat there and made comments on how I was helping the guest while I helped him. The poor guy barely spoke english and I was showing a security guard how to work the system so he saw it all. I was mortified. Also in the elevator on the way to the meeting (Lori filled me in on this) Ms. P. asked a contractor what he thought of the girls and pointed to Lori, like Ms. P. is a pimp! (if only you could see how excited she gets over me and Lori, it's unreal) After she finally got him to say that we are great she went into the meeting and bragged about how they got comments on the way to the meeting. Lori was so embarrassed and then the guy came up to the desk and asked where Ms. P. was. They both started laughing about the whole thing after Lori explained how crazy she is. Not to mention how she had to one up me and Lori w/ buying the office lunch after we got Grezina flowers. Then she had to call 2 or 3 days in a row to tell us about it.

Some serious fucked up shit coming your way!

There is the possibilty of some strange happenings going on. I can't give away any info yet, because I am not completely sure. Let's just say that it makes w/ Ms. P's craziness seem absolutely normal. I was freaking out but Lori calmed me down. Let's just hope for my sanity it's not true.

Damn I am tired. I spent a while last night tossing and turning. Worrying over Jamie. I finally got up and exercised this morning. We had a stupid meeting today and we had Bank One come and tell us about their "special" accounts. Basically just a regular checking account. Glad I wasted that 45 minutes of my life. CL came by work again today but he didn't have time to talk. He told me that his friends get mad at him because he never has lunch w/ them so it was a big deal at his office when he was gone for an hour yesterday. He invited me to a cubs game next week. I can not wait until it warms up so I can go outside instead of sitting around in my room all the time. My computer is pretty much busted. I am kind of pissed. I think I will try to see if I can get another one, but I doubt my credit is good enough and I don't have cash for it.

This weekend I got mad at Jamie for a ton of little things. It seemed that every other thing he did irritated the hell out of me. Last night we actually went to bed mad at each other. Well I went to be mad at him. He said he could fix my computer and made it seem like he knew what he was doing, yet when it came down to it he didn't do anything last night. He kept saying that he needed a reboot disk and didn't have one and he wouldn't call Ross because he said that Ross had much more important things to do than to be called for every little problem on my computer (which is true, but nobody talks shit about my baby.) As I just found out though, he did call Ross last night. Also I was mad for most of the day at him on Sunday because he got all pissed because I wanted to use some of the thawed ground beef to make some hamburgers considering he already had to defrost one of packet. I figured he could just as easily defrost another, but oh no. Then we got in this huge stupid fight over ground beef.

The guy from CL came over to my building today and I took my 10 minute break to sit and talk with him for a second. It turned out to be my lunch hour. He is very cute and sweet. I feel like a complete bitch even though we just talked. I think Jamie is such a great guy, even though he has his moments (don't we all) I feel very selfish most of the time because I am afraid I am only with him because he treats me better than I have ever seen anyone treat another person. I wish I was in love with him, but I can't say that I am. This guy has nothing to do w/ that either. Yes it was very exciting to talk to him today and I look forward to the next time I talk to him, but I know that that is what happens any time you meet someone and it always dies down. R. told me to go and have lunch with him before I do anything. She said there's no harm in it, I don't have a ring on my finger. I almost agree with her, but not really. I believe her for my own selfish reasons, but there would definitely be harm in it. This guy is cute, funny, sweet, and very indearing, and there is a huge physical attraction on my part. But I don't want to leave Jamie for another guy and I don't want to even think about jumping into anything else. I don't know anything about this guy and he doesn't know anything about me. My rabbit will definitely be put to good use.