alright i met aaron yesterday. well hanging out with him was pretty cool but we watched a movie here and i told him that he had to leave at 6 well the movie lasted til 7 so my mistake. well it took me another 15 minutes of you have to leave, you have to leave. for him to actually leave. and he tried kissing me and stuff. and i was ok with a little quick pec or whatever. but every time he tried to kiss me he tried shoving his tongue down my throat. EVERYTIME!!!!! no matter how many times i pulled away he just kept right back in there. yuck!! it got pretty annoying. i have to go to school today. really dont want to but i have to. i am meeting kevin. and hopefully marisa. but i doubt marisa will be there. silly girl. went to kenny's for thanks giving. it was pretty fun. although his grandma told him she liked me and asked if we were going steady and then when she was leaving she's like what's your name again and then she was like Elisha (and their last name). i was like WHAT!!! but it was kinda funny. and he has the cutest nephews. i really miss kyle. i dont know why. it's damn frustrating. i hate missing him. he doesnt deserve it. i just wish he was the one kissing me good night and putting his arm around me. and cuddling with me when we watched a movie. i dont understand how i can feel like that after the way he treated me. i hate him. but i want him to be here so bad. well not so bad but pretty bad. i want him to be with me now that i am happy. maybe that is just my stubborness. i dont know. i am going to take my profile off yahoo again i think. cuz i dont need anyone else to date. i have to many now. but as soon as i do knowing my luck all these guys will stop wanting to see me.well i wont be upset about some but i want to still see kenny, John and heman. even if it is just hanging out. well i liked hanging out with sam and amit too. they are very nice. but i dont have any feeling for them except friendship. well kenny is friendship too but we are pretty close since we always hang out. but anyway. i like John,, but i dont know. cuz that three hour late stuff is ridiculous. and like i said there was just something that first night kinda rubbed a little but i dont know what it was yet. but me and allen had a lot of fun. and i really want to hang out with him again. i really need to make some friends that live in the city so i can hang out with them and not worry about dating. so anyway i am procrastinating about going to school. so i better get my butt in gear so i can go.

aaron called and woke me up again today!!!! kenny and i had an arguement last night on messenger. he's all jealous which is silly. it was so frustrating cuz he was talking about it how i lied because i told him i took my profile down and he looked after he put my computer together and he saw that i had a personals envelope and then he looked and saw that i have a profile back up. so i told him that i took it down and put it back up right before he took his down. and he keeps on about my orgasms. like i cant take care of myself. like i cant make sure i have one myself. uuugggghhh. i dont know i am just frustrated. cuz he just keeps on. but i dont know he is coming to pick me up in a few hrs and we will see how today goes.

who didnt go to class today? oh well i got to stay home and meet the cleaning woman. she was really nice. she helped me put my shelf on the wall!! see who needs a man. we got it up in like 5 minutes. literally. and then last night kenny was taking apart my old computer and he couldnt get it so i had to get it. and i told him to get a butterknife to get out the screws cuz my screwdriver was too big and he was like what you arent going to be able to get it with a butterknife. i got it in like 2 seconds. ha! well anyway. he brought the rest of my computer stuff over and he said he had a surprise for me andi thought it was going to be a web cam or usb port thing something small. it was a flat screen monitor!!! i couldnt believe he did that. that's ridiculous. who the hell does something like that. uuugggghhhh. i couldnt believe it. i talked to heman today. well chatted with him. he is sexy. i was really looking forward to my nap after talking to him. but oh well. i have been on the phone on and off with aaron all day. i need to call John back. and i am downloading songs.

ok well anyway. John came over sunday night and we stayed up talking until 5 in the morning. i could not believe it. i have class at 830. but we slept until like 4 in the afternoon. today i went to drafting. Kevin and i are going to meet on saturday to do drafting. we are trying to get marisa to go with us but that slacker probably wont. lol. kenny is coming over later tonight. i am talking to this guy on the phone and i dont remember his name. but we havent even met and he is already talking about long term stuff. what is with that. seriously. chatted with heman for a second. that was cool. i wasnt sure if i would hear from him again. great sam is talking about a relationship too. i am sick of this. if i tell you i just want to be friends i mean it! if i dont say it then maybe something more. but otherwise just friends. but i guess it is my own fault a little bit. but i thought most guys were comittment phobic and all that. but what is all this wanting to be serious after the first date about. been there done that (in highschool). but oh well. i am only interested in 3 guys right now. and i am not sure about John. not calling when he was 2 hrs late is pretty crappy. if i wouldnt have called him i wouldnt have known he was coming. but other than that he is nice. he is rather blunt but i like that. i would rather deal with that than someone who is always telling lies. so anyway. kenny is a little snobby though. and he has said some things to me but i cant tell if he is joking or not. so that is kinda weird. well anyway i am very tired and i need to get some groceries so i can eat

alright kenny saved the day!!!! wow this computer is pretty fast. i am such a geek cuz i am happy that i can put all my sims stuff on here and still have plenty of room. lol. well all my good intentions went out the window. but i have done some rethinking. who the hell really cares if i have sex. just me. so if i feel like having sex why shouldnt i. well i am not going to tell you all the details. you will just have to wait until my erotic novel comes out. lol. so anyway all the interesting stuff happens when i cant get online to type about it. so i went out with allen on wed. after school. it was fun. he is so funny. i told him he could read this if he wanted to. bad idea. lol i will never hear from him again. lol. well i think i had a few drinks when i told him he could read it so i will blame it on that. lol. oh well i dont have anything to hide. this is me. just in a slightly crazier version. lol but anyway we had a blast. or at least i did. lol. i think he had fun. the bartender at monk's pub was crazy. she was all over the place and just kind of coocoo. but it was funny. i am such a light weight though. he had like three or four beers to my one sex on the beach. but then we went to dave and busters. and we played pool. he kicked my ass. lol. i think out of the 2 games we played i got in like 3 balls. that is so sad. but we had fun. like i said he's hilarious. then on thursday night i went to the concert to see John. the concert was cool. i have a cd from a band called lovedrug. it's a good cd. well I borrowed it so i will have to give it back. they opened but i wasnt there for that. they are good though. american cosmonaut was really good too. i got to go backstage and everything after the band was done. then after that bar closed me and John went to another one and chilled until it closed. i didnt get home until 430 or 5. i am still wiped out. I had fun with John but i dont know. we will see. he called me the other night and i was sleeping. and i answered the phone in my sleep. it was so weird. cuz i woke up and i was on the phone. i was like who the hell am i talking to. lol. but we are supposed to do something today. but i had a lot of fun with heman. i went to apply at a ton of stores on friday. one was victoia's secret. that would be a cool job. 10% discount. oh yeah. but the woman at dave and busters said after christmas i could get a job there. so if i dont get the one at victoria's secret then i will still have dave and busters. so that is good. i am so excited though. i want to work at victoria's secret. so anyway. my grandma's dr found a lump in her stomache so they are going to have to go in and see if it is anything and if it is then they will have to do surgery. now i am really worried though because my mom didnt come out of surgery so i am thinking that i might not get to see my grandma again. and that's very sad. i want to go home now but i dont think i will be able to. but i was thinking that someone could call me if she needs to go into surgery and then i can get down there and be there when she wakes up. i am so tired. i need to go take a nap. but i have only been up for an hour and a half. man i am tired

well that sucks i just saved a post but now i cant find it. lol i do have a date for tonight though. told you i was going to find another one. lol heman and i are going out for drinks. his name is allen. so that's pretty cool. noticed a guy on the street checking me out. that was nice. he was cute too. well anyway. i am looking forward to meeting allen. he is funny and i will actually know what to order and now that i have my license back i will be able to get in to the bar. i am pretty tired. but i am sure i will feel better in a little bit. half an hour til my class. i am pretty bored. i hate it when someone instant messages me or emails me and i forget who the hell they are. it's so annoying. well anyway. last night was kinda crazy. kenny came over. we had some chicken. i really dont have anything interesting to say. well i do i just cant write about it when i am at the library at school

well i dont have a date anymore tonight. he is busy with work but he rescheduled for sunday and i am chatting with heman again. he's cute. he sent me a better pic. i am happy Johnny called and said he sent me that money. so i am like sweet. i can eat lunch. lol. got all dressed up to go out for coffee and now no one to go with. :-( oh well maybe i will pick up a hottie after school. lol. well kevin is going to be in my freshman seminar class today. but he has a class after that so no coffee for him. but i wore my boots today. so now my feet will hurt for nothing. oh well. it's not easy looking this damn good.

just gpt an email from a guy who is pretty cute. I got an interview with dave and busters for tomorrow!! i am so excited. i hope i get the job. i also am going out for coffee with Sam tonight. after class. my brother is supposed to send my money today. the slacker. i was sooo mad that he didnt send it yesterday. well i have alot to type but not much time. so it will have to wait til maybe later this afternoon. if i have time after biology. or when i get my new computer. uuuuggggghhhhhhhh!! when i actually am on the internet alot that is when it screws up. well that is all i can get into for now i guess.

well i have another blog from yesterday and i still have all that story left but i dont know when i am going to get it put up. i might not even put up the other blog from yesterday. it is probably all boring anyway. i just cant remember what i said anymore. i am so goofy though. today i went to drafting. i was about 15 minutes late then me and marisa went down to the library to make some copies and that ended up taking a half hour (oops) but it didnt help that we got on the internet so she could email ray and i could show her John's pic. she thinks he's hot too. lol. but she gave me a pic of his kids so i can do a portrait of them for ray. but then we left at like 10:30 the class goes from 830 to 1230. we were there less than 45 minutes. lol. we are so bad. and then we went shopping at one of our favorite stores and i found the cutest purse to buy for thursday. cant wait til johnny (little brother) sends my money. so i can get it tomorrow. and then we had icecream for lunch. and it was so funny because marisa was all like i dont know how i am going to go from one daughter to three i dont know how i am going to do it. i was like girl you have four. you bring me soup you look out for me and you take me out shopping and for icecream. you are going to be perfect you could have an army of kids and make it look easy. but really she is more like my cool big sister. but i was glad i could make her feel better. but she cracks me up we have so much fun. i really want her to go with me on thursday. but anyway what else happened today. oh i met a girl who goes to harrington who lives on the same floor as me. she seems nice. but tonight if Johnny gets me my money then i am going to get some kfc for kenny. lol. i dont know if anything else is going on i am pretty tired. cant wait to meet John though. oh yeah he called me last night. and he will call me either tonight or tomorrow and i am sure he will cuz he calls when he says he will. so nice. Marisa and i have a theory about the women in chicago but i will tell ya that later when i get my new computer. and i can sit on it for hours. well the theory is short but i dont want to get into it now. but anyway when we went to the library kevin was there and he was all like well i will hang out with you until you guys go back and i was like ok and then marisa was all ok but you are going to have to listen about our dates!! i couldnt believe she said that. kevin was gone in a flash. it was so funny how fast he left but i felt bad. i was all she's just teasing and he was all no thats all right as he was walking away. lol. poor thing. when we went back up to class he looked so grumpy. i wanted to give him a hug. but then when me and marisa were saying good by this guy walked by and she was all there you go and i was all was he cute and shes like yeah. so i said see ya thursday and went after him. lol. he walked to fast though i couldnt catch up. lol. oh well i am meeting a cute guy on thursday. so it's all good. but me and marisa so have to go to school on saturday to catch up. well next saturday. i can't keep my train of thought. i know nothing new but i just cant get comfy in these chairs. i am used to my comfy orange chair. oh and another person said i have a southern accent. she was all you sound like you are from texas. lol. i am not that bad. lol. although texas accents are sexy (at least when guys have em.....gotta love em rugged. *sigh*) lol. i am crazy. so anyway not that i have anything else to do but i am going to go and email cheryl and aunt geri. and i wanted to go on a web site but now i cant remember. oh well.

well my computer is about dead. it was dieing all night last night, so i am sitting here waiting for it to take it's final breath. i am hoping that it might be yahoo messenger. so i did not turn it on yet. so we will see. but anyway. today we were talking about being bipolar in creative minds and there's a good chance i might have it. or A.D.D. but then again i could just be a hypocondraich. but seriously though every disease has the same damn symptoms. how do you know if you have one or which one it is. i bet it is all just normal we just all think we are crazy. well anyway. John called me last night and then i called him back but he called at the exact same time (saw it on my caller id) so his phone was busy so i called him back when i saw that but he didnt answer so i just left a message. i dont know it was weird. well i went out with Amit last night. He was very nice, he brought me flowers (a first) i completely forgot what time it was though until it was a bought 4:40 and i was talking to a friend and i was like well i have dinner plans at five and i realized it was almost five and i hadnt even been in the shower yet. so i looked like crap. but he was nice about it. had some cherry cheesecake. yummy. man i am hungry. what do i want for lunch. this might be kinda long because since i cant get on messanger i wont have anything to do after this so i am taking my sweet time. maybe i will call kenny. no cuz he will have a fit because i am not at school. went to my first class but then i realized i have nothing for design foundations so i skipped. again. so bad. but anyway. i woke up with a crazy amount of energy today (like CRAZY!!!) i turned on a good song and i was bouncing around to it (i call it bouncing cuz i dont dance...except tango!) but yeah and it was like 7 in the morning. i think i need to hit the snooze button more often. well anyway. i dont want to go to tango tonight. my corns hurt. lol god who's old? also i suck. i am so bad. lol. but oh well that is why i am taking lessons!. although now i am sleepy but that is cuz i need to eat. i went grocery shopping last week. well maybe friday. well anyway i get the diet mountain dew right well it took me until yesterday (after drinking this all weekend) that it is regular and not diet. i was like what the... so yeah that's about as exciting as my weekend got. lol. although i am back to being in a pretty good mood. but i was just thinking about michael. last night i think i decided that i am being all crazy cuz 1) i liked him alot 2)i had sex with him 3) i am feeling lonely 4) i want to move on passed kyle as quickly as possible 5) (and this is the most important) his kisses made me melt. isnt that silly. but i have never had a kiss like that so i was wondering...does that happen very often or is it only once in a blue moon. but still i dont know. i also need to know how long this crap is gonna last cuz i am getting pretty sick and tired of being in love with some guy i only met once. it's just a bit crazy. i hope it will go away in a week or so. hopefully by tomorrow. lol. that would be nice. cuz now not only do i have to get over the moron but i also have to get over michael. which is ridiculous. so silly. well i have to fight calling or emailing or text messaging him every second but hopefully i will be strong enough not to so then if he doesnt want to call me then i can just be all like see ya and move on. well anyway. ya know what i decided today. well it just kinda hit me. i want kids. not now but definitly when i find the right guy. i might not be the best mom but i want to try. i always wanted to adopt a baby (well except when i didnt want kids at all) because i could make some little baby's life good when other wise it might not have been. but i want my own kids too. maybe my own kids will drive me so crazy i wont want to adopt. i might be a horrible parent. lol. oh well another 9 yrs to worry about it. at least. mmm food.... well here is another little bit from what i wrote the other day.

My dad died when I was 2. so I don’t know what it was like to have a dad or be daddy’s little girl. But the sad thing is that I never will. Me and my older brother were really close for a long time but then a rumor that he thought I started and I guess I kinda did but not really cuz I was really young and didn’t know what I was saying and the girl I said it to talked me into saying it and she promised that she wouldn’t tell any one but of course she ran over to tell someone else immediately. But anyway the rumor went around and he got really pissed and he was hurt by it so he hated me for a long time. And I was mad at him because after that he was really mean to me and he was verbally abusive. He would call me stupid and ugly and fat. And anything else. And he would shove me around a lot too. And do anything he could to embarrass me. And he either went out with or tried to go out with every one of my best friends. So anyway we did not get along. Which sucked cuz when we were close I wanted to be just like him and we were best friends. Me and my little brother got along sometimes but I was very jealous of him because he was mom’s favorite and my mom never paid me any attention. But anyway Eric (older) has always had a lot of problems with my dad’s death too. But my mom was jealous of me because my grandma favored me and all my mom wanted was for my grandma to be proud of her and to love her but she loved me instead. And I was close to my grandma because I felt my mom didn’t love me and because she favored Johnny so I always went to my grandma. So I spent most of my childhood trying to please my mom and make her love me and be proud of me. But she could be very hateful too me. I did everything for her. She never had to get on me about homework. Or anything. I always tried to do good in school to please her. I joined the chorus cuz she said she used to sing but when I told her she said “oh really the last I heard you couldn’t even hold a note.” And I was only in 5th grade. And I started to draw because she used to when she was young. We fought a lot because we were so alike and we were both so stubborn. But we were also pretty close. It’s very complicated. I knew I could tell her anything. I knew that she would always be behind me. Even if I didn’t think she loved me I knew she wouldn’t leave me out in the cold. I was always hoping that when I moved out of the house we would be closer because then we could be friends and we wouldn’t always be butting heads. But really she left me alone pretty much. I mean I always came in when my friends did even though I didn’t have a curfew. I usually did my own laundry and made my own supper unless she cooked or we went out. I went to bed when I was supposed to. I was a little rebellious though. I would argue with her and I would sneak out once in awhile and make out with my older brothers best friend (this was after he moved down to Georgia) but I never did drugs I never got drunk and I never had sex or anything like that. Just kissed Travis a little bit. But I thought I was in love with him.

so much left to go. lol. well i sense a recuring theme. i think maybe i am too romantic. oh well we will see.

I'm back!!!! yeah. kenny who is so wonderful fixed my computer and then i called up sbc and i was like how do i fix my internet connection and they told me and here i am. so yippie. although it was weird because kenny was going to a party last night and parties arent my thing but i was thinking about going just to spend time with him. i thought about telling him but then that might lead him on and i wouldnt want to do that. but anyway so i am back on the internet. wooohoooo. i was so bored. i went to school yesterday for the internet. oh i went to the rug store and (oooh a good song..it's country and everyone up here hates country apparently but it's called i love this bar. it's funny. i like it.) well anyway they didnt want to hire me cuz i was a girl and they didnt think i could do all the lifting. which sucks cuz they are probably right but i was like well do you think you could give me a try and then if i cant do a good job or you find someone who could do it better you could fire me. and he was all like well i will give you an application. so that sucks. and i have a corn and it hurts really bad. i am such a wuss but i asked my grandma about it and she was all (and this is gross) i used to take a razor blade and cut it off. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! she was all dont you do that, you'll cut your toe off. lol. it's bad when your own grandma makes fun of you. but apparently they fall off. (the corn not your toe.lol) but i didnt know that. how gross is that. why dont they tell you these things before you wear highheels. gives me the heebeegeebees. lol. man that sucks. but anyway. i typed up some things on word last night but i am not going to put it all on here at once. cuz it is so long so i will put some bits and pieces up everyday i guess. after each new blog. Kenny's friend came over with him last night and he was lookin at my drawings and he was this one is pretty good (but he made it seem like he was being generous) and he said he used to draw so i was all oh really what do you like to draw and he was like well it was when i was little. and in my head i was all and you think you know more about it than me? i got a little defensive but i was just like oh thanks. (it was the pic of the old man) but at first he seemed to like me but then it seemed they were unhappy with the fact that i didnt go to the party but i dont know kenny said he liked me. he seemed really nice though. if maybe a little judgemental but who knows. i dont know him so maybe i just got the wrong impression. i cant wait to get a job so i have money but then you will all have to read about how much i hate working lol it's a sick cycle. nothing else is really going on. especially not today. boring sunday. i will have to go and look for a job off the reader site. well then here is some of what i wrote last night (ok you have to know it was after midnight and i was tired so ya know, it might be a little hard to read and follow and all that)

Nov. 15
All right well my computer is still messed up so I am back to typing this on word. I will probably add more tomorrow but right now it is after midnight and I still cant sleep so I am hoping that staring at this computer screen will wear me out. I am just having a bit of anxiety due to the moron. I don’t know I feel that there is something that stops people from loving me. That there is something about me that people get sick of or well I don’t know how to describe it. It just seems that after awhile they just stop caring. And I am also feeling very lonely. Even though I have friends up here. Well 2 but that is one more than I had back home. But still I am all alone. Like with Kyle I had someone. To me a husband or boyfriend or whatever is your partner you are a team you share things and go through things together. And since I do not have a boyfriend any more I have to go through them by myself. Because even though I have friends they have their own lives. And they will help me when I need it and vice versa it is still not the same. I feel that I am alone to face all the challenges of life and that is a very scary thought. I wonder how you can tell if you are bipolar? I feel like it sometimes but then I am not sure if that is just how everyone feels sometimes. But even if I could go back in time and decide again if I wanted to move up here or stay back home to keep my relationship with Kyle I would still pick Chicago. I really hate him right now. I guess I am going through my angry phase. Marisa said I would. Lol I just don’t understand how anyone could treat someone the way he treated me. I don’t know how I could have misjudged him so completely and apparently Michael too. I don’t know how I could be so naïve about them. I will have to talk all this over with dr. abramson when I see him next. It is just too close for me to look at from a realistic perspective. Well anyway even though this is working (making me tired that is) I am afraid if I try to sleep now I will just be wide-awake again in a few minutes. Well right now I guess would be a good time to go ahead and tell ya’ll about my life so far. We could call it beauty and the moron. Lol (nice huh?) but my life has been so much more than just about him so I will leave it untitled for now. But anyway.

i dont know what i am going to do about this stupid computer. it's pretty bad when the schools computers seem to go really really fast. but hey at least i can work on my biology paper while i wait for the pages to load. lol. that's sad cuz i am serious. well anyway. tango wasnt that great last night. cuz i was feeling kinda fat, which happens once in a while, so then this girl that comes that is in advanced is really skinny and hot and all that so i let that get to me. which was stupid but i dont know. i couldnt help it. so anyway then Kenny came over and we went out and that cheered me up alot. but he stayed til 2. nothing i do works. lol. well i will get him out tonight. but didnt i say that yesterday? well anyway he's gonna leave cuz tomorrow i have to go to the labs. which i said last week but it didnt happen. so anyway. i dont want him to come over today but i need him to fix my computer. and i could take him out. so it will only be for a little bit. but he is being sweet enough to help me with my computer i just dont want him pressuring me. i also got an email from my aunt. my cousin is really sick and they dont know what it is. and he has been sick since april. i think. so that has everyone kinda worried. wow i just realized that it is almost one oclock. i cannot not believe i slept as late as i did. damn. i need to get off my ass. lol.oh yesterday i was talking to a guy on the internet. he might be readying this. he was cracking me up. cuz we kept talking about how heman and the man at arms was gay and all that. it was funny. i guess you had to be there. (you know who you are. lol) he seemed really cool. we had fun. well anyway. i need to do some fun stuff like laundry and getting some groceries. and all that. maybe i will right more later.

alright i was about half way through a super long blog (but really which one isnt super long) and my computer froze. so i am going to type some now and then i will type some later if kenny can fix my computer. i havent talked to him yet today. but he is going to come over later to take a look at it. i guess i will have to talk with him. i like him but i dont want to be in a relationship with him. i am having too much fun for a reationship right now. at least for this week. well i am sick of the pic i am working on. i have to go little by little. like work on it for 5 minutes and then stop. maybe i will start another one. but then i will have to put it in another sketch book and i was wanting to fill this one up first. i havent filled up a sketch book in a few yrs. although if i do it in oil pastels i could put it on some colored paper and then attach it into that one. or even if i use conte. i dunno. i need to do something original. something i can say hey this is mine. noone elses. i hate using other peoples stuff but i need the practice. i also need a job. so i can buy some clothes i dont have hardly any that fit. well i dont have many to begin with. so maybe i will get on the bus and go to the rug store to see if they will hire me. also kenny wants to buy me a computer.which isnt going to happen. i wouldnt let the moron buy me a computer let alone someone i met a few weeks ago.but anyway iwas thinking if he cant fix this one then he can buy it and i can pay him back. cuz i'm good like that. talked to marisa today. went to have lunch with her but she didnt go to school today. but she might come out with me for the concert. yeah!!! I like boys. lol. no i like men. yesterday i made up a budget. which is a good thing but i didnt have anything to put in the clothes column. :-( lol. well i could but then i wouldnt have any money to save up. and kenny said he will help me with investing. i just feel bad cuz i tried telling him over and over but every time i say i want to take everything slow and i just want to date it seems that he steps it up and tries to put more pressure on me. so i dont think a relationship will ever happen but i really do like him as a friend cuz we have such a blast. got an email from cheryl today too. i really want her to come up. but i cant wait to go down either. cuz i will go out with her and party alittle and spend time with elizabeth (my niece) and just go out and have fun. be a kid and all that. it's so weird cuz i am just now doing stuff that most people start doing in highschool. a long term relationship in highschool is just stupid. i am so bored right now. i need to go out and find a job. well i am not really bored i just have to find something to do until 7. where's a man when you need one. i could think of something to do for 3and a half hrs if i had a man here. lol. jk. that would be bad. i need to exercise cuz i went to portillos again today but marisa went everyday so far this week so i dont feel too bad but she was probably getting salads and stuff but she said i shouldnt feel bad cuz i was getting the milkshake and fries for her. lol. but that is the last time for awhile. i am going to exercise tomorrow and go grocery shopping. so it will be all good after that. i just needed a little hiatus for awhile. lol. but i am taking the stairs to my apartment now. and i feel horrible right now from eating all that so that is agood inncentive to eat better because i always feel so much better. i just need some money. lol. i love to shop. now that sales people actually look me in the eye and dont try to look busy so they cant help me and i actually fit into things. but i really need shoes. lol. well i guess i am officially a woman now huh? lol. well i am tired and i need a nap. but i am going to go to the rug store first and try to get a job. maybe i will stop by dave and busters too. who knows we will see how lazy i am feeling lol.

ohmigod!!! Kenny is in relationship overdrive!!! I keep telling him, I want to date other people, I want to take it slow, I dont want to rush into anything. well yesterday we had the whole long talk about how he wanted to have sex and he didnt understand why i didnt and all that and then last night he kept talking about it and then he so manipulated his way into staying late and even when i said it's 1 oclock ken like 3 times and he knew what i meant he still didnt leave and he just ignored what i said when it wasnt what he wanted to hear. and he keeps pressuring me to do something with him this weekend and i am like we will see and so then he comes up with something else for us to do. he is completely disregarding my feelings and ignoring what i want and totally disrespecting me. it got old so fast so i think i am not going to do anything with him this weekend to make him back off a bit. oh and he instant messaged me at like 3 this morning to tell me that he took off his profile from yahoo. the funny thing is that yesterday in the early afternoon i put mine back up....oops. he is just completely pressuring me and whenever i feel like someone is trying to intimidate me like that i get so stubborn and completely go the other way. even if i wasnt sure which way i was going to go or even if i was going their way to begin with. John called me last night and invited me out to drinks but since i made plans with kenny i said no. (stupid, stupid, stupid) but oh well. i will catch John later sometime. i called him earlier hoping we could do something but he has to work. maybe they will be slow and he will get off early again. that would be great. such a cutie. in biology we started a group project. however i thought it would be so hard but ours is really easy all we have to do is put it together and i have to type up a little paragraph about the definition of evolution. it is pretty elemtary. but i like it. i dont have to do too much. but our drafting project is getting so complicated. I invited marisa and ray to the concert next thursday. i so hope she goes. that would be great. but if she doesnt well then i will just go by myself is all. i want to make out with a cute guy. lol. sorry the damn hormones again. actually i want to go to portillos and get a huge cheeseburger. yum. but i had them 2 nights in a row already. hmmm but i am hungry. and if i walk there. and back. it is a long walk. hmmm alright i talked myself into it. gotta go get some grub. might type more later if i am bored.

well hell i had a whole long post but now it is gone. so damn. i have to retype it all. so that sucks. never lived in a city it's hard to appreciate that thought but there really is sooo much to do and see. how can anyone be bored here. go outside pick a direction and take off. you are bound to run into something. John is so cute. i just remembered how he teased me about my accent last night. it was cute. cant wait to meet him. I think Amit will be fun too but i am not as excited to meet him or Keenan for that matter. but I havent gotten to know either one as much as I have John. but i dont know John all that well either. but we had fun on the phone last night. both times. lol. i am just boy crazy. i told cheryl she needs to come up here so she can watch out for me a little or she is going to have to hear about how i am in love every other week. lol. i am horrible. but i have never had this much attention from guys before. at least not sober, cute, successful, goal oriented men. usually it was drunks at the bar where i worked who were like 50 or dorks. lol. and everyone here is so interesting. i could listen to them talk all night. but ya so my head is spinning a little from all the guys. but it's nice. it's nice to feel attractive and that someone likes you, inside and out. especially after you were invisible to everyone for a few yrs. and your boyfriend was an ass. and you didnt realize it because you were so depressed because you were fat. but now i'm not fat, i am more outgoing because i am so happy, i live in such a wonderful city, my life is so good right now i cant believe it. i love it. i am happier than i have ever been in my entire life. i didnt even know what happy felt like. ya know. what it was like to be generally in a good mood. to not be sad. to not feel bad about yourself. to not think that something was wrong with you. i had no idea living here would make me this happy. i knew in my heart i had to move here. but i was always worried that i was running away from my problems and that it would all be the same. but it's not. i dont have that stupid boyfriend to keep me down.i am meeting so many great inspiring people, my life isnt sitting in front of the tv day after day waisting away. ok i admit it i got a little side tracked by michael and went kinda crazy. and i am sure it will happen again. but even then i was still happy with the rest of my life. and i was still having fun most of the time. but i am in such a good mood almost all the time. that is so weird to me. i am used to being in a state of ennui (yeah i'll wait while you look it up. lol. just teasing) and the fact that i am getting attention from guys just adds too it. i have never experienced anything like this. my whole life is 180 degrees from what it was just in august. well what the hell i just noticed that the post that i had thought disappeared is now right under this one but i added a whole lot more to this one so i will try to delete most of what i said twice and leave the rest

well my computer broke on sunday night but then all of a sudden it is ok again. so i dunno what the heck that was about. well i talked to michael sunday night and he seemed cool. and everything but then i called him monday and left a message asking if he wanted to do anything this week and he hasnt called me back yet. so i dont know. i am done with that. at least for now. i am not going to play these stupid games. and be chasing after him. especially since i have my pick of guys at the moment. John is going to be playing at the double door next thursday. his band is head lining actually. so i am going to go and see him. it should be fun. the only thing is that i am going to have to stay up late. oh the sacrifices. lol. woe is me. lol so anyway. kenny is coming over tonight and he is going to check out my computer and i am going to go out to dinner with him. we had this huge discussion earlier about how i dont want to have sex with him. (let it go man!!!) it is just frustrating because i have explained it to him before. several times. when i slept with those other 2 guys it was really out of character for me and i just dont need to go around sleeping with guys i just met. cuz we only met a few weeks ago. even though i think he could actually show me what good sex is like. i know he will just get hurt in the end and i dont like hurting people i care about. i dont want to do that to him. we will see how it goes. i feel bad though. cuz i know he really likes me. well anyway John called me twice last night. twice (take some notes michael. lol) so i am excited. he has a nice voice. very sexy. the only thing is though. is that he sounds a little like michael on the phone. it's weird. but we had some could conversation and we might meet up later this week or early next week before his concert. ooohh and he is 6 ft. sweet. ( i like em tall) lol. didnt go to class today but went to both yesterday. i am such a slacker. but i am doing homework and i am almost all caught up. so yippy for me. i should never have gotten that down comforter and sheets. i dont want to get out of bed now. before it didnt matter cuz it wasnt that nice but now it's like a little piece of heaven. lol. i am such a dork oh by the way marisa was fine. she was at her boyfriends. silly girl. had us all worried. my cleaning lady is going to kill me tomorrow. tons of dishes. i am down to 142 lbs. so i am glad. not that it is really a big deal to me right now. i am pretty happy with how i look. but soon i want to start working out more. and the less fat i have wheni work out the sooner i will see results. plus i am happy that i am not gaining. lol. but i am still eating at portillo's (huge cheeseburgers and fries) like once a week and i have calamri about once a week and then an entree so i can still really enjoy some "bad" things and look good. it's all about moderation well and moving around. not even necessarily exercise just not sitting on my butt all day. although since it is getting cold. i have to take the bus now. plus it is faster. but no stairs everyday so i might compensate by taking the stairs in my building i am only on the fifth floor. well kenny just called. he wanted to know if i was going to class since i am on line. so he said i was in trouble. so anyway need to start working out. and all that good stuff. i really need to work on my posture and develope my back muscles. i notice that i lean forward when i am not paying attention cuz all the extra weight up front. damn these things. so hopefully if i work on my back that will help take some of the load off. i could also work on my pecs and maybe that would make em a little smaller. oh but i lost another 1" and a half in my hips so i am now proportionate. well i always was pretty close but i am just happy my hips are getting smaller. i am now 38 28 38 so 2 more inches every where and i will be down to my goal measurements. then i just need to work on my lower abs a little more. and i will still need to go down a cup size but keep the same measurements. so how i do that i dont know maybe butterfly presses? i could ask John but maybe after we have met a few times. lol. well any way i dont really have anything to say anymore. actually this is long enough for me to have said everything. lol

oh here's a link to my web page...if i do it right. i have the address over on the right too but it didnt link
http://www.geocities.com/eadasenbrock/elisha.html

well i had another post yesterday but apparently i didnt do it right. well anyway both guys that i am emailing back and forth want to meet. i think i am going to meet John pretty soon. i called him last night but i guess he was working. but i emailed him too. to give him a recent pic so this morning i had an email from him. he said i can try calling him again tonight if i want to but he might have to work. i figured what the heck i will try. last night marisa's dad called me at 12 am to ask if i had heard anything from her because her and her daughter were supposed to be home 2 hrs before and she hadnt called or anything. so i am worried about her. i think i will call at 12 to see if she came home. i am hoping she was just with her boyfriend (who her parents dont know about) well i think kenny really wants to get serious. which sucks because i dont want to. and i really like him. as a friend. although of course the more i get to know him the cuter he is. but i just dont feel that way. well anyway. John is cute. he looks like lou diamond phillips a little but with short hair and cuter. yum. i still miss michael. but i am not going to wait around. i just think that doing that to some one is silly. and not nice at all. well i am on the phone with my grandma and she is telling me all about all the stuff my little brother is doing. that boy needs to get it in gear. maybe he should move up here with me. i dont know but i dont think having to watch over him is going to be the best thing for me. but if he needs it then i will do it. but he is being stupid. messing up his life. he needs to get it together. well i cant think of anything else at the moment. probably type more later

alright, well michael never called so i dunno i am thinking that before i take him off my messanger that i want to im him and ask him why because i want to know. i need to know if i am doing something wrong. but i dont know we will see how i feel the next time i see him online. i am just really hurt. well last night me and kenny went to his brother's concert. it was really good. then we went out with his parents and a relative (i dont know how she was related but she was) it was really fun. they were cracking me up. then we went back to his house and his dad showed me a power point thing that he did for ken's grandma's birthday. it was really nice. and then ken came back here and kept me up until 3 in the morning!!!so i did not make it to the first lab time today. but i have to go to the 2nd one. i told ken to call me to make sure i am going. lol. we made out some more last night. he is really good at all that. but i dont know since i feel hurt by michael i dont think i am going to be able to open up as much with ken. which is a good thing. i needed that i guess. i just wish it didnt matter if i opened up to michael. i dont know i cant believe i am this upset by michael when after i got back up to chicago i didnt even care this much after kyle dumped me. maybe cuz i dont have anyother place to go to get away from it. i dunno. i guess i just need to get over it. oh and kenny looked at my drawing yesterday. he said it was awesome but it didnt seem like he meant it. i am used to people being pretty impressed with my stuff. but like i said i didnt even like it that much. i am very sad that michael is not calling or replying to me and everything. i wish i knew how to not be so sad about it. but it feels like a big loss. well i dont know how else to describe it. i will get over it. it will be easier now that he isnt calling than when he was calling. cuz i wont have anything to get me back into him. so hopefully in a few days i wont be so sad anymore.

well i imed michael and just said hey...wondering why you havent called. and he didnt type back and now he is offline. i dont know i guess i wont hear from him anymore. i will take him off my messenger. but now i am sad. although at least now i know he is not interested even if i dont know why. which is crazy. that's the worst part cuz i dont know why. i am just confused. and i hate being confused. oh well time to move on i guess. the new drawing i am working on sucks it is really pissing me off. it is hard. it's of a red wolf pup. but it isnt taking that long. i am done with the body but that part doesnt have much detail. but i should finish it in the next couple of days. maybe tomorrow night but i doubt it. probably sunday night. if i dont mess up. i feel so stupid. i am not having sex again until i am married. there's just nothing in it for girls. at least not anything i cant do myself. we are the ones with all the emotional shit on the line. guys just do it and that's it. they dont care if they see the girl again. it's just so hard because i have never dated. the one date i went on was when i was 15!!! my mom drove us!! i dont know how to act. i dont know what to do. i am so depressed right now. i really had my hopes up. but i feel that no one wants me. that i am not good enough. i dont know. i know it is still really soon after me and kyle broke up and i am still getting used to it. but i thought me and michael sorta fit. ya know. well i was hoping. probably my wishful thinking. probably?...apparently that is what it was. what i really need to do is make some friends. that's what i need. i dont need a boyfriend. or any of the drama. i just need some friends that i can hang out with, talk to, do things with to keep busy. not worry about guys. it's just too much for me to deal with. my heart breaks too easily.

just got back from tango!!! had sooo much fun. after class we went to this little cafe type place on halstead (i think) but anyway it was awesome. we watched all these people who have been dancing for at least 3 yrs and they were all sooo good. i cant wait til i am that good. and i have a new crush. his name is nick. he is very cute but the thing that got me was that last class we danced together the whole time and he is very muscular and dancing with him is very good. but then tonight i danced with 2 guys that are friends with danny (the instructor) and they were good but one guy was not a strong lead at all. but i kept messing up. but i cant wait til i am good because it is sooo sexy. i love it. well i said new crush but i still want michael to call. i dont know why he isnt. i just dont understand. but i will just have to move on. but i am sad to do it. my horoscope was kinda crazy today
Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
You're entering a period filled with doubt, especially where your love life is concerned. In general, you like your feelings to be clear and your relationships, too. But you may be doing a lot of thinking about your relationships over the next few days. Are you sure you have chosen the right person for you? Are his feelings for you as sincere as he claims? Could you live without him? The next two months will bring you the answers to these questions. But don't forget, no one is perfect... - Tomorrow - Professional Phone Consultation - Email an
how crazy is that.... all of it is very true. it is kinda scary when they are actually right. cuz normally i just look at them for laughs and to see what it says then i forget about it but once in awhile it is actually on target. i am just on a high from dancing. i was supposed to have dinner with kenny but i wanted to dance so i danced. lol. god i wish michael would call. i am very sad right now. but happy from dancing. it's a sick cycle. i am very disappointed that michael is doing this. now i dont know what to think and i am very hurt by it. i just dont understand. is it something i did or is he just a jerk. it feels like me. i mean the last time we talked it was all fine and then now all of a sudden nothing. i am confused. i feel so naive and stupid when it comes to guys. i never should have dated the moron so long. because now i dont know anything about guys. i am just feeling very sad. but on to happier things. i cant wait to tango and meet a guy who knows how to tango. and just be sexy. seriously though tango is such a turn on. it's awesome. kevin didnt ask me out but he is going to take 2 classes with me next semester. and we talked for a long time well not too long maybe an hour. this whole thing with michael just has me bummed. i am going to have to be so much more guarded from now on and not let my heart run away with me. well i am tired and i have to get up early for laundry...fun fun.

well any way there is all my blogs from before. so i have 2 really long blogs. well i am still waiting for michael to call. i dont think he is going to. at least not today. or the rest of the week for that matter. what ever. i stepped on a tooth pic a few weeks ago and i just realized that there might be a piece still in there. oops. i cant get it out though. but because of the penicillan from my strep throat it's not infected anymore. i am going to meet kevin after my make up class for design foundations. i am sooo happy that i have tango tonight. only one more week after this class. :( but then i get to go to intermediate. yeah!!! and i am thinking of asking duffy where he use to teach painting because i really want to learn how. maybe he will teach me. i finished that drawing i was working on. i am not happy with it. it's good but i can do better. but i overworked it and i am sick of looking at it. so i started another one. after this one i am going to do one in oil pastel. can't wait to see kevin. maybe he will ask me out today. probably not. he seems kinda shy like that. the only bad thing is he smokes. but i can still go on a date with him. lol. well i will probably type more after tango or before tango. which ever i feel like.

Nov. 1
Alright something is going on with the blogger and I can’t get in so I am typing this on word so I can hopefully cut and paste later. And so I can keep up and not have a super long blog later. Well any way Michael didn’t call me yesterday but he put on his messenger: gone for the weekend call me if you can. So not knowing if that was meant for me I called him. He said he has to leave for the weekend to go to see his brother who is in the hospital and he has cancer cells and it is really serious. But I should see him next week sometime and I will probably talk to him on the phone again sometime. Can’t wait. Not as obsessed but it is still there. He’s just too dang cute. Well any way there is more going on with me than just dating. Although at the moment since I have been sick that’s the only interesting thing to discuss. I am looking for a job. Can’t find one and I really need one. It sucks. I really wish I would have gotten this one at the dave and busters next to where I live but no it didn’t happen. I don’t know what I am going to do. Maybe donate my eggs. Lol. Well I do need money for next semester…. So anyway I am also going to go back on weight watchers. So far I have lost 40lbs. After my mom died I gained a total of 63 so I have 23 more to go. Although I feel really good about myself right now I still want to look as good as I can especially for the first time I see the moron again. He is so dumb. When I start losing weight that’s when he dumps me. I haven’t looked this good in 2 yrs. Oh well. His loss. So anyway I am going to start that again. I took a break from it when school started so I could get into the groove of that and not have to constantly be thinking about making food and grocery shopping. I also can’t wait till Monday because I will actually get to go to my tango class!!! I have to go to dinner with Kenny tonight. I really don’t want to because the other night we made out a little and I know he is going to want to again. It was good I just don’t want to. Cuz then he will think I want to go out with him and I don’t. I also need to get a treadmill, which is one of the thousand reasons I need to get a job. I don’t even know how I am going to deal with Kenny. This sucks. School is going to suck so bad next week!!!! I am also working on a drawing. Which I haven’t done anything seriously in about 2 yrs. So I am very out of practice. But it is nice to get back into the groove. And I finally got my radio working again!!! Yea! Well this is really long and I need to go through all my recipes so I can find some good and easy stuff to make. Also I have been thinking about the moron. It started yesterday. I don’t know I kind of miss him. Not the way he treated me but when you talk to someone everyday and laugh and joke with them for 6 yrs it’s really hard to quite cold turkey. And I saw that Dave Mathews is coming here in December and I know he will want to go. well this is really long too so I will stop for now.

Nov 2

Well last night I went out with Kenny and his family. His family seems nice. Except for a few things. First off his mom and dad are huge gossips which Kenny warned me about but they where gossiping (about some pretty personal stuff) about their family members to me. (I just met them!!!) and his dad is very racist. Which is sad and ignorant and I couldn’t believe the stuff that he was saying. I didn’t say anything I just kind of nodded and smiled and let him go off. I guess it makes him feel better about himself. Who knows. But I figured since I just met him and it was Kurt’s birthday and he was paying for dinner I wasn’t going to start anything. But his mom seemed to like me but Kenny said she would and then talk about me once I was gone. (which it seems that that is exactly what she will do) Kurt was really nice though. He is very outgoing and charismatic. We played ping-pong after dinner. It was fun. He spanked me. I could barely get anything. The only thing is we ran into some cousins and Kenny introduced me as his girlfriend. Which I was a little worried about but I didn’t mind it. I mean I wasn’t going to correct him in front of his whole family and I did say I would go as his date. I talked to him about it after we came back here and he said he knew that we were friends (although he did ask if I wanted to be his girlfriend first) but he said no problem. But I don’t know. But the food was awesome. We went to belagio’s the calamari was really good and so was the bread. The rest was really good too. And Kenny played the piano for me. It was really good. I liked sitting there listening. I really liked it when he played piano man and the entertainer for me. It was fun. I feel like crap today. I have a migraine. And I have a shit load of stuff to do. And I have been emailing back and forth with this guy named John and we will probably meet sometime soon. And Michael is going to start working regular hours next week so we will probably go out sometime (did you really think I could get through a whole blog without mentioning him?) and Kenny will come over sometime so I can take him out to dinner. And we can finish putting up the shelves. Lol. But today I have to go and buy a ton of crap for my design foundations class. Which is sooo stupid. Why did we even bother buying the stupid equipment package? Well I am going to go and make lunch now. I might type more later. Who knows.

Nov 2 second entry for the day

Ohmigod. That is all I can say right now!!! I am completely speechless!!! Michael is freaking awesome!!!!! I called him just to see how his trip was and how his brother was doing and we were talking and he is just awesome. First of all he was talking about how he wants to do a trade. He will teach me tai chi and I will show him how to draw. And then we were just chatting. About like thanksgiving and stuff and I was telling him how I couldn’t go home cuz I would have to travel on thanksgiving day and all that and he was all well drop me off at the airport on the 25th and then you can take my car. TAKE HIS CAR!!!!!! All the way home. 5hr drive. Just take it. Drive off with it. Is that not unbelievable. Ohmigod!!!! I am going crazy! I love him. My grandma will be so happy. How freaking sweet is he. I just want to marry him now. Lol. Not really though, but really. Actually I just want to see him. And kiss him. Etc. wow unbelievable. That’s crazy. I can’t wait to teach him how to draw. I have never taught anyone how to draw before. Mmmmm. What a sexy pupil. I am so excited!!!! I can’t sit still. I just want to call him back and tell him I love him and never hang up!!!! But that would be crazy!!!. It’s not so much that I am going to get to go home. But the fact that he is so sweet and thoughtful and he trusts me enough to even offer to let me take his car. I want to bring him home with me. And keep him forever. Ohmigod I am crazy. I am just happy. I really can’t wait to teach him how to draw. I hope I am a good teacher. I am just really looking forward to spending all that time with him. And he thinks that a picture that I drew my sophomore yr of high school is really good. So I am happy that he thinks that I am good. I am so excited. I can’t wait. I am back to being absolutely pathetic. But I like it. Lol. God I am sad. Lol.

Nov 3

First day back at school in over a week. God was it long. And I even slept passed my first class. Horrible I know but it was rainy and I was so tired and I have only missed one class in that class so I figured actually being able to catch up on my sleep was a little more important since it was only creative minds. But any way I might actually be able to catch up and get a decent grade in my design foundations class. I aced the quiz and I told her I would have both projects that I haven’t turned in yet done by next week. A little suicidal there but hopefully I will get off my ass and get it done. I am sooo looking forward to teaching Michael how to draw. I am thinking that if I do a good job with him then I could do that on the side. Cuz I am good at drawing and I might actually be able to teach someone else how to. But then even if I don’t get to work at dave and busters then I will have that and even if I do get to work at dave and busters then I have that when I cant work. Or I could even do portraits and stuff for people. But that would be harder considering that I cant even get my homework in on time. I was soo hungry today. I didn’t eat breakfast cuz I was running late so I figured during break I could get something to tie me over well that would have worked except either my bank hasn’t cleared my check that I deposited on Friday or the stupid atm wasn’t working. I dunno so I was pissed and starving so I left class like an hr early. I am sooooo bad. But I cant wait to talk to Michael again. I have to call cherryl in a bit. I gave her the link to his web page to look at his pics. So I am going to find out what she thinks of him. Marisa thought he was cute and she is very picky. Not that it matters cuz I think he is damn sexy. I could look at his pictures all day. *sigh* he is so yummy. And I also have tango tonight. So I might type more later.

Nov. 4

Today I am supposed to get my down comforter and my sheets in the mail. I really hope they come. Well Marisa has fallen in love. I am so happy for her. I know just how she feels. She met this guy at her new job 2 or 3 weeks ago. They are already talking about getting married. Not anytime soon but definitely in the future. So in drafting today we gushed to each other. Really that is the only thing that got us through the class. Lol. But anyway. So I let her use my cell to call her guy and then she convinced me to text message Michael. So I did. And now I am going to wait to see if he calls me back. If he doesn’t then as horrible and hard as it’s going to be I am going to have to start looking again. Because I did everything in my last relationship. I mean everything. I was always the one trying to make it better I was the one always doing things for him. He just sat on his ass and looked at porn. So if Michael is expecting me to be the one to always call him then forget it. I will be more than happy to call him but I want some of it returned. I am not going to play games. So I really hope he calls. Well I didn’t go to English…again. But I am sooo tired and I have a headache. I know lame excuses but I am happy to be home and getting ready to go to sleep. I took my picture that I am working on to class today cuz I knew I would have time before class to work on it. Well this girl in the class was like wow that is really good did you trace it at all. And I am like no. and Marisa was like she is an awesome artist. And then she said she wanted me to do something for her. So I will probably do a pic of her guys daughters. But I am happy that she thinks I am good. Also I found out today that my freshman seminar teacher is my student advisor. I kinda have a little crush on him. But I always have a little crush on all my teachers. I think it has to do a little with not having a dad and they are authority figures and all that. But that is alittle too deep to get into right now. I am way to tired. So anyway that is all for now but if Michael calls me I will be back on here gushing and sighing and all the other things girls do. Oh also cherryl thinks he is cute too. Actually hot was the word. Lol
Well actually I forgot michael’s screen on his phone is broken so he probably cant even read the message. Although he should see that I was the one that sent it. My comforter did come today I am so happy. But I think that the sheets are really for a king size bed. Cuz they are too big for my bed but I am going to keep them anyway cuz one day I hope to have a king size bed. Lol so anyway. Michael might call me tomorrow cuz he usually calls me on Wednesday or Thursday but if he doesn’t call me this week then that’s it cuz I am not playing that crap. I really want to see him though. I miss him and I want to spend more time with him. But if he does call me then I am going to ask him how he feels about me cuz he has asked me if I could be in a relationship with him and if my interest in him is fading and all that but he never tells me how he feels. Even though I guess his asking could be considered him telling me how he feels and offering to loan me his car and all that but I need something that I can say see that’s how he feels not just assumptions (you know what they say about those) I want to know his side too. Then I wouldn’t be going crazy if he doesn’t call me everyday. But you would think that if he feels the same as I do he would want to talk to me everyday too. But he is kinda shy and we did say we wanted to take it slow and all that so I don’t know what to think. See why I need to know. Also we only talk on the phone for a few minutes at a time anyway. I dunno I think I am just imagining all this. But the email and all the stuff he has said after that and everything makes me think that I am not.

Nov. 5

Well today I had a very boring day. Went to class. Both of them…lol. I talked to duffy (my student advisor) and he was really cool. He listens very well. And I am going to meet Kevin after my extra design foundations class tomorrow. And I realized that I cant go do homework on Friday so I have to go on Saturday instead. And then I was online and the guy that fell in love with me after one date imed me and then he was trying to get me to do something this weekend and I am actually busy this weekend so I was like no and he’s like you’re a fucking bitch and a whorebag and all that I am like well I cant help it if I am busy . it was really uncalled for. Michael didn’t call me. I think he is just playing games. And I don’t have time for that. But it pisses me off if he is because I really like him. But I am not going to put up with that. That’s ridiculous. I will date other people I have enough prospects. I have at least 3 guys besides Kenny that I could go out with. Not bragging just stating the facts. I just wanted to date Michael I could definitely fall for him. Hell I already have. But I am just not going to mess with that. I will talk to him about it the next time he calls. I will ask what he is thinking and everything. But I am afraid he is going to say that he just wants to be friends but I would rather know now and start dating again than get my hopes up any further. I just hope he feels the same as me. Hopefully he will call tomorrow. I need him to call me tomorrow. Maybe I will make a date for Saturday night if he doesn’t. just to have something to do and to start looking around. Stupid heart. I hate all this stuff. And now I am missing kyle and his family. Mostly his family. And I am a little homesick. But not for my home as it is now but for what it was when my mom was alive and everything. And even though I have more friends here than I did back home I feel alone. Probably all because Michael. I am just being sad because I feel rejected and I just had kyle dump me and I just want things to go back to the way they were. I don’t want to go through all of this. I don’t want to have to guess if someone else likes me or worry if I am crazy because of the way ifeel. I don’t want to start over and find someone else. I already had a boyfriend and I was already apart of his family. And it feels like I lost his whole family. I went from being apart of it to not being able to see them. Christmas and thanksgiving will be very hard. I am not going to go home for thanksgiving. I am just feeling sorry for myself and selfish. Maybe I should go home and talk to dr. abramson. He will tell me how I am feeling. If I am being crazy about Michael or if I am feeling sorry for myself and he will kick my butt and tell me to stop it…lol. I don’t know I just need someone to hang out with and keep me busy or better yet. A job….lol. actually I am sorry a little revision up top there it’s 5 guys not 3 cuz I forgot about 2 on the internet. And I haven’t even started the great expectations thing yet. Damn I am good lol

this is from the first blog that i had but i couldnt get back into it so i had to make this one

Thursday, October 30, 2003
wow three in one day. who's bored? lol. well ok i figured i would call michael and just leave a message and he would get back to me in a day or so. when ever he wasnt working so much. and just to say i did call. well any way he called me back. and ya know what's really sad. i mean really really sad. i am backed to obsessed. :..( i am so pathetic!!!! but i cant help it. his voice is soooo nice. and he was all i am soo glad you finally called. cuz i know you said you felt the same way but i just wanted to see if you were really interested and see if you would try. (maybe i should show him this blog? no? probably not cuz then he would know how crazy i am.) so then i was all i did call and all that but then he was like i only have a few minutes cuz i am at work but i'll call you tomorrow!!! yea!! i am so happy. he's damn sexy. and it doesnt help that before he called i was having some seriously dirty thoughts about him. (but you dont want to hear about those) well any way i will put up a blog tomorrow after we talk and be disgustingly pathetic.

Damn It!!!!! i knew it!! i just knew as soon as i decided not to waste anymore time on michael i would hear from him. he was all like why didnt you call me. and i was like i did i left a message and he was all oh i didnt get the message. and then we chatted back and forth a bit and then out of no where he was like have you ever been with a girl and i was like well i have kissed one before and then he was like would you ever want to do that with me. (what the hell!!) i was like i dunno maybe. but i dunno i get jealous and my x (the moron) kinda ruined stuff like that for me. so now he is either a perv. (since we only went on one date, i mean i know i am new to this whole dating scene but dont ya normally wait before you ask something like that) or he is a guy and like all guys is asking cuz you never know or he feels really comfortable with me or he thinks i am just a big ol slut. not someone you would want to have a relationship with.
but i figured i could go out with him again and see if he was just being a guy or he seriously wants to do that. have a little discussion about it. but this will definitly help me to not be quite so obsessed. i'll see where it goes. but look on the bright side even if he is a perv then i will have a pretty interesting log after the date. lol

alright. i am going to try not to type anything more about michael. i said try so i might have a relapse here and there. but i figure it's stupid to dwell on it. either he's gonna call or he's not. and if he doesnt i will find another guy who is just as great but better because he will call. sometimes i dwell. i cant help it. well any way so kenny came over last night to help with the shelves. we got one up. lol. when we went to put the other one up we realized we needed anchors. so anyway. he so kept trying to get in my pants but what can ya expect. lol. well i was supposed to take him out but then he wanted to go to the cheesecake factory (even though he cant eat cheese cake cuz he's allergic to sugar) so any way. he had me try the calamari (squid) and once i got past how nasty squids are it was actually pretty good. kinda like onion rings. i didnt eat the big parts though just the small ones. so any way it was kinda expensive so kenny paid. but then i felt bad. and we talked about our bad dates with people from yahoo and laughed. lol. i am probably going to go to great expectations cuz they have a pretty tight screening process and they have social events where i could meet other women and make friends too instead of just meeting guys. but they are kinda expensive. we will see. oh yeah and when i signed on today guess who i had an email from and who put me back on his friends list. James, one night stand #1. hmmm. how bout that. he was oh yeah i would do you again. and then i was all whats your name again. lol. but i asked what he had been up to and i figure if he wants to hang out sometime that would cool. but i definitely wont be hitting that again. i probably shouldnt even have emailed him back but oh well. that was pretty crappy of him to wait like 3 weeks to email me and this was after he put me on his ignore list (which was stupid cuz i only emailed him once after that and then it was just like a hey whats up kinda thing) so i dunno. he probably just doesnt have any good prospects lined up so he thought he would see if i would want to just screw around. poor james. oh well. i am sure we could hang out and have a blast though. i think i am done with sex for awhile. at least sex with other people. i still got all the hormones going haywire so i cant ignore it completely. especially since sex is all i think about. i feel like a guy. well any way i got to do laundry and get groceries and do all that other good domestic stuff. i might write more later if i get bored. hmmm maybe i should try doing some homework......nah.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003
see guys this is what happens when you lead a girl on and say she's awesome and you cant wait to see her again. we start sounding like yesterdays blog. well any way i think by now i am officially obsessed. maybe he is planning it that way. cant stop thinking about him. he's the type of guy that you just want to spend all weekend in bed with. and i cant stop thinking about what it would be like to spend all weekend in bed with him. sigh. i am pathetic. and it is only getting worse. i was hoping i would only put him in one or 2 blogs here and there but i was wrong. well any way i went to the dr for my strep throat and i have to go back on nov. 6 for a check up. so better get on that insurance. maybe that is why i am thinking about him now. he works at the hospital that i went to. damn. oh well had to go. ya know he was the one that was all i cant wait to see you, i had such a great time, let's join a pool league together all the people are great and you'll meet some more friends, i really want to see you again. i never said any of that first. i agreed with him and said me too cuz i did have a great time and i really like him but he said it all first and he contacted me and said all these really romantic things to me. so why the hell would he do that and then just not call or anything. (besides sex. cuz he said all this not only after sex but after he was out the door and all clear.) so here i am blabbing about him again. i just dont get it. i really hope he is just busy with work and he's best friends wedding and all that. but this is kinda good because maybe i will get him out of my system a little before i see him again so i dont become really crazy. and then i can see if i really like him or if it's just the stupid left over emotions from having sex with him. but i dont think that is completely it because i really liked him before we had sex. but having sex with him definitly didnt help. but see i talked to his friend for a sec. (long story but she didnt think i was real) and she said that he said (and he was gone when she said this) that his heart was beating so fast he didnt want to leave after we hung out the first time. and then he called me to ask me if i wanted to do something with him that night. but at least this way it is going to help us take it slow. but then again i am probably having this imaginary relationship because he has probably forgotten all about me by now. i am pathetic. probably type more later cuz i cant do anything yet and i am incredibly bored.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003
well i chatted on and off with kenny most of the day. he cracks me up. i also went to buy a book on blogging which actually helped a bit. found a skin for my blog and all. but i am thinking of returning it and just ordering the one off of the blogger site. i am such a loser for being like that about michael. he's just a guy. there are plenty more. i say that yet i still want him to call me. sometimes being a girl really sucks. but usually only when dealing with guys. well i am not intentionally trying to turn this into a guy bashing page cuz thats not fair but right now you all kinda suck. no offense i know you've thought like that about women from time to time. i havent had a nap all day so right now i am dragging ass. especially cuz i did so much earlier. staying home sick sucks. i am so bored. hence the really long blogs and 2 in one day. damn this dayquil. oh well tomorrow i have to get up bright and early for the dr. yippie. a waste of money. but the cleaning service is also coming tomorrow so i will have a clean house sometime. now i just need to figure out what to do for the 2 hrs they will be here since i cant go to school. hmmmm shopping anyone. i ordered a few things online this morning. cant wait til they get here. didnt make it downtown though. oh well... well i think it is nap time for me. i am zoning out like crazy.

that first blog is way too long. well today i started project organization. i bought some shelves. lol. i also finally got around to hanging up the coat rack and the thing for the bills. unfortunatly i cant get the shelves up by myself. (they are kinda big) so i am debating on whether or not i should ask kenny. i was thinking of offering to buy him dinner for the help. he instant messaged me last night when i was typing the first blog. he wanted to apologize cuz earlier he was wanting to get serious. but now he says that if i dont want to be in a serious relationship that he would be ok with being bed buddies. (WHAT!!) can you believe that? i dont know. that is kinda ridiculous. but i guess i cant blame him he is a guy. and he probably figures it couldnt hurt to ask. lol. well anyway. i got up and went to do a few errands. and i just jumped in the shower threw some clothes on and put on my coat and scarf. not caring what i looked like cuz i am sick and all. but the ironic thing is. several guys smiled at me and held doors for me and all that. hmmmm. interesting. unfortunatly all i could think about was michael. i am in love with an imaginary man. he cant possibly be as good as i think he is. especially since he will not call me. but i cant help it. just thinking of him makes me happy and makes me smile. and deep down even though i know i will never see him again i just cant believe it. it's very crazy that i can feel this strongly about someone after one date and be more upset with the fact that i wont see him again than i was when the moron (that's my pet name for my x) broke up with me. it is all in my head i know but i desperately want to believe that he is what he seems. i am completely and utterly hopeless. it's so pathetic. it's pathetic that thinking about him makes me so happy and i get a big goofy grin. after one date. i know i am crazy but i cant help it. i am not in love with him but i just liked being around him. and it was nice to think that there are other people in the world that are nice. maybe that is why i am still in denial about him not calling because i dont want to believe that he is not nice and that he is not a good person. but then again if he doesnt call he could still be a good person and it could all just be me. cuz right now i wouldnt doubt it cuz i sound crazy. well kenny imed me again. he is going to come over tomorrow and help me and then i am going to take him out. and he asked if i would go with him on saturday for his brother's birthday dinner with his parents. so i said ok. what the hell. i am sure we will have a good time. i am glad he is going to help me with the shelves though. i just need help holding them up so i can screw them in. well i might write more later. but this is getting pretty long too.

Monday, October 27, 2003
this is such a crazy concept. I love it. i accidentally came across this guy's blog one day and i became completely obsessed. i was like what is this. it is so weird it was like sneaking in and reading someone elses journal. and since i am kinda nosey i couldnt stop. i dont think i will actually be interesting to anyone but i just had to start one of my own. basically out of boredom because i just moved here in august and i dont have much of a social life yet (not that i ever had one to begin with) but also because i am actually spending alot of time on the internet and it gives me something to do. well lets see like i said i just moved here. i came here because i have always wanted to move to chicago and to go to school. i have one friend so far. she is awesome and she was there for me when my jackass boyfriend broke up with me and she is helping me adjust to city life. there's some other cool people i met but i wouldnt consider them friends. yet anyway. well right now the most interesting thing in my life is my dating. which is not going so well so far. but considering i am 21 and have never dated before this month it makes sense that i am not doing so great. first of all like i said my jackass ex broke up with me. (after 6 yrs and he was a real dick about it but there's plenty of time for that later) so any way. i have been on 5 dates in the last 3 weeks. not a bad start, but the first one ended up being a one night stand (not on my part. i admit i didnt want a relationship with him but i would have liked to be friends. he was kinda cool to hang out with but seriously what was i thinking) then the next 2 were fun. but one guy ended up saying he was in love with me the next day (what's with that....crazy) and the other one was really fun. we went to see killbill and we had alot of crazy stuff in common but he wasnt really my type physically and he compared me to his mom. (ok guys... seriously dont ever do that...no... not ever.) but he was fun to hang out with. then there was michael. apparently also a one night stand. which sucks cuz he was so awesome and we had so much fun. i would actually want to be serious about him someday. he was just that awesome. (i will probably mention more about him later because i am still foolishly hoping we will hang out even though i know better) but anyway. i am pretty sure he completely played me and i was more than happily willing to let him. didnt mean to sleep with him. wanted to seriously take it slow especially since james (one night stand #1) but his kisses were so damn nice and i thought he actually liked me. silly silly rabbit. well anyway we have talked a few times and he called to ask me if he could ask me out again but he seemed kinda weird the last time we chatted and i havent heard from him since last thursday and i left a message for him but he didnt return it. i am still (as i stated earlier) foolishly hoping he was just busy. we shall see. i am kinda holding my breath but that doesnt mean i am going to sit and wait. so then there was kenny. i went out with him on saturday. even though i have strep throat. but he still wanted to go. he was very sweet and really fun to hang out with but i dunno. maybe just friends. dont really see anything happening beyond that but maybe that is because i am still daydreaming about michaels kisses. well we will see what is coming up in the next few weeks for my dating life. i was supposed to have a date sunday too but he never called. i wasnt surprised cuz i figured he just wanted to get it on. so i just stayed in bed all day cuz i was a zombie on some dayquil. tomorrow i am going shopping. cant wait. oh by the way i was idiotically meeting these guys on yahoo. cuz i thought that way i might actually be asked out (and i was and it was nice cuz everyday i had some emails telling me how nice my smile is and how amazing my eyes are and all that..so great confidence booster. unfortunately there are pervs on there and i was constantly being imed by them wanting to know if i would like to dominate them and all that other nasty stuff. but anyway there were some great guys on there too but i ended up taking my profile off because i was sick of all the pervs instant messaging me.) well anyway this is getting way too long and i lost my train of thought (damn dayquil) but i will probably write a whole lot more tomorrow because i will be just as bored. well i read back over all this and ya know 2 one night stands in 3 weeks seems kinda slutty. but you have to remeber i was with 1 guy for six yrs. and the last 3 i was only getting it about 1x a week and it really wasnt that great cuz he was selfish and never wanted to learn any new tricks. that was my job. so now i am pretty much going boy crazy and having all those wonderful teenage hormones at 21. how nice. but i did learn one thing. there are guys out there that can treat a woman with respect and make her feel really special and that not all guys are jerks(not talking about the one night stands here or any of my other dates all though they were nice and everything but i am just saying in general, it can happen). (even if they still insist on saying they will call even when we all know you wont.) but i guess that is one of life's great mysteries like why women go to the bathroom in groups. well any way i just chatted with ken for like 2 hrs at least. and now i am very tired i havent stayed awake for this long of a period of time for 2 days!!!