well my computer is about dead. it was dieing all night last night, so i am sitting here waiting for it to take it's final breath. i am hoping that it might be yahoo messenger. so i did not turn it on yet. so we will see. but anyway. today we were talking about being bipolar in creative minds and there's a good chance i might have it. or A.D.D. but then again i could just be a hypocondraich. but seriously though every disease has the same damn symptoms. how do you know if you have one or which one it is. i bet it is all just normal we just all think we are crazy. well anyway. John called me last night and then i called him back but he called at the exact same time (saw it on my caller id) so his phone was busy so i called him back when i saw that but he didnt answer so i just left a message. i dont know it was weird. well i went out with Amit last night. He was very nice, he brought me flowers (a first) i completely forgot what time it was though until it was a bought 4:40 and i was talking to a friend and i was like well i have dinner plans at five and i realized it was almost five and i hadnt even been in the shower yet. so i looked like crap. but he was nice about it. had some cherry cheesecake. yummy. man i am hungry. what do i want for lunch. this might be kinda long because since i cant get on messanger i wont have anything to do after this so i am taking my sweet time. maybe i will call kenny. no cuz he will have a fit because i am not at school. went to my first class but then i realized i have nothing for design foundations so i skipped. again. so bad. but anyway. i woke up with a crazy amount of energy today (like CRAZY!!!) i turned on a good song and i was bouncing around to it (i call it bouncing cuz i dont dance...except tango!) but yeah and it was like 7 in the morning. i think i need to hit the snooze button more often. well anyway. i dont want to go to tango tonight. my corns hurt. lol god who's old? also i suck. i am so bad. lol. but oh well that is why i am taking lessons!. although now i am sleepy but that is cuz i need to eat. i went grocery shopping last week. well maybe friday. well anyway i get the diet mountain dew right well it took me until yesterday (after drinking this all weekend) that it is regular and not diet. i was like what the... so yeah that's about as exciting as my weekend got. lol. although i am back to being in a pretty good mood. but i was just thinking about michael. last night i think i decided that i am being all crazy cuz 1) i liked him alot 2)i had sex with him 3) i am feeling lonely 4) i want to move on passed kyle as quickly as possible 5) (and this is the most important) his kisses made me melt. isnt that silly. but i have never had a kiss like that so i was wondering...does that happen very often or is it only once in a blue moon. but still i dont know. i also need to know how long this crap is gonna last cuz i am getting pretty sick and tired of being in love with some guy i only met once. it's just a bit crazy. i hope it will go away in a week or so. hopefully by tomorrow. lol. that would be nice. cuz now not only do i have to get over the moron but i also have to get over michael. which is ridiculous. so silly. well i have to fight calling or emailing or text messaging him every second but hopefully i will be strong enough not to so then if he doesnt want to call me then i can just be all like see ya and move on. well anyway. ya know what i decided today. well it just kinda hit me. i want kids. not now but definitly when i find the right guy. i might not be the best mom but i want to try. i always wanted to adopt a baby (well except when i didnt want kids at all) because i could make some little baby's life good when other wise it might not have been. but i want my own kids too. maybe my own kids will drive me so crazy i wont want to adopt. i might be a horrible parent. lol. oh well another 9 yrs to worry about it. at least. mmm food.... well here is another little bit from what i wrote the other day.

My dad died when I was 2. so I don’t know what it was like to have a dad or be daddy’s little girl. But the sad thing is that I never will. Me and my older brother were really close for a long time but then a rumor that he thought I started and I guess I kinda did but not really cuz I was really young and didn’t know what I was saying and the girl I said it to talked me into saying it and she promised that she wouldn’t tell any one but of course she ran over to tell someone else immediately. But anyway the rumor went around and he got really pissed and he was hurt by it so he hated me for a long time. And I was mad at him because after that he was really mean to me and he was verbally abusive. He would call me stupid and ugly and fat. And anything else. And he would shove me around a lot too. And do anything he could to embarrass me. And he either went out with or tried to go out with every one of my best friends. So anyway we did not get along. Which sucked cuz when we were close I wanted to be just like him and we were best friends. Me and my little brother got along sometimes but I was very jealous of him because he was mom’s favorite and my mom never paid me any attention. But anyway Eric (older) has always had a lot of problems with my dad’s death too. But my mom was jealous of me because my grandma favored me and all my mom wanted was for my grandma to be proud of her and to love her but she loved me instead. And I was close to my grandma because I felt my mom didn’t love me and because she favored Johnny so I always went to my grandma. So I spent most of my childhood trying to please my mom and make her love me and be proud of me. But she could be very hateful too me. I did everything for her. She never had to get on me about homework. Or anything. I always tried to do good in school to please her. I joined the chorus cuz she said she used to sing but when I told her she said “oh really the last I heard you couldn’t even hold a note.” And I was only in 5th grade. And I started to draw because she used to when she was young. We fought a lot because we were so alike and we were both so stubborn. But we were also pretty close. It’s very complicated. I knew I could tell her anything. I knew that she would always be behind me. Even if I didn’t think she loved me I knew she wouldn’t leave me out in the cold. I was always hoping that when I moved out of the house we would be closer because then we could be friends and we wouldn’t always be butting heads. But really she left me alone pretty much. I mean I always came in when my friends did even though I didn’t have a curfew. I usually did my own laundry and made my own supper unless she cooked or we went out. I went to bed when I was supposed to. I was a little rebellious though. I would argue with her and I would sneak out once in awhile and make out with my older brothers best friend (this was after he moved down to Georgia) but I never did drugs I never got drunk and I never had sex or anything like that. Just kissed Travis a little bit. But I thought I was in love with him.

so much left to go. lol. well i sense a recuring theme. i think maybe i am too romantic. oh well we will see.