I'm back!!!! yeah. kenny who is so wonderful fixed my computer and then i called up sbc and i was like how do i fix my internet connection and they told me and here i am. so yippie. although it was weird because kenny was going to a party last night and parties arent my thing but i was thinking about going just to spend time with him. i thought about telling him but then that might lead him on and i wouldnt want to do that. but anyway so i am back on the internet. wooohoooo. i was so bored. i went to school yesterday for the internet. oh i went to the rug store and (oooh a good song..it's country and everyone up here hates country apparently but it's called i love this bar. it's funny. i like it.) well anyway they didnt want to hire me cuz i was a girl and they didnt think i could do all the lifting. which sucks cuz they are probably right but i was like well do you think you could give me a try and then if i cant do a good job or you find someone who could do it better you could fire me. and he was all like well i will give you an application. so that sucks. and i have a corn and it hurts really bad. i am such a wuss but i asked my grandma about it and she was all (and this is gross) i used to take a razor blade and cut it off. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! she was all dont you do that, you'll cut your toe off. lol. it's bad when your own grandma makes fun of you. but apparently they fall off. (the corn not your toe.lol) but i didnt know that. how gross is that. why dont they tell you these things before you wear highheels. gives me the heebeegeebees. lol. man that sucks. but anyway. i typed up some things on word last night but i am not going to put it all on here at once. cuz it is so long so i will put some bits and pieces up everyday i guess. after each new blog. Kenny's friend came over with him last night and he was lookin at my drawings and he was this one is pretty good (but he made it seem like he was being generous) and he said he used to draw so i was all oh really what do you like to draw and he was like well it was when i was little. and in my head i was all and you think you know more about it than me? i got a little defensive but i was just like oh thanks. (it was the pic of the old man) but at first he seemed to like me but then it seemed they were unhappy with the fact that i didnt go to the party but i dont know kenny said he liked me. he seemed really nice though. if maybe a little judgemental but who knows. i dont know him so maybe i just got the wrong impression. i cant wait to get a job so i have money but then you will all have to read about how much i hate working lol it's a sick cycle. nothing else is really going on. especially not today. boring sunday. i will have to go and look for a job off the reader site. well then here is some of what i wrote last night (ok you have to know it was after midnight and i was tired so ya know, it might be a little hard to read and follow and all that)

Nov. 15
All right well my computer is still messed up so I am back to typing this on word. I will probably add more tomorrow but right now it is after midnight and I still cant sleep so I am hoping that staring at this computer screen will wear me out. I am just having a bit of anxiety due to the moron. I don’t know I feel that there is something that stops people from loving me. That there is something about me that people get sick of or well I don’t know how to describe it. It just seems that after awhile they just stop caring. And I am also feeling very lonely. Even though I have friends up here. Well 2 but that is one more than I had back home. But still I am all alone. Like with Kyle I had someone. To me a husband or boyfriend or whatever is your partner you are a team you share things and go through things together. And since I do not have a boyfriend any more I have to go through them by myself. Because even though I have friends they have their own lives. And they will help me when I need it and vice versa it is still not the same. I feel that I am alone to face all the challenges of life and that is a very scary thought. I wonder how you can tell if you are bipolar? I feel like it sometimes but then I am not sure if that is just how everyone feels sometimes. But even if I could go back in time and decide again if I wanted to move up here or stay back home to keep my relationship with Kyle I would still pick Chicago. I really hate him right now. I guess I am going through my angry phase. Marisa said I would. Lol I just don’t understand how anyone could treat someone the way he treated me. I don’t know how I could have misjudged him so completely and apparently Michael too. I don’t know how I could be so naïve about them. I will have to talk all this over with dr. abramson when I see him next. It is just too close for me to look at from a realistic perspective. Well anyway even though this is working (making me tired that is) I am afraid if I try to sleep now I will just be wide-awake again in a few minutes. Well right now I guess would be a good time to go ahead and tell ya’ll about my life so far. We could call it beauty and the moron. Lol (nice huh?) but my life has been so much more than just about him so I will leave it untitled for now. But anyway.