keith is so sweet. i can believe how sweet he is. when we came back up here we passed all the outlet malls that they have up here. and i was like when i get a job and save up a bit you should bring me up here so i can go crazy. and he was like maybe i should just surprise you and bring you up here before you get a job. and i was like no but it's definitly the thought that counts. i mean how sweet is he. i never had anyone offer to do that for me before. what a sweet heart. and then this morning not only does he bring me breakfast but he also said i could have a drawer. i wasnt even thinking about a drawer. what a sweety. he asked me why i never say i love you except during sex. and i was like i dont know. hmmm guess i should think about that.

i swear the next time a guy asks me to bring another chick home i am going to scream. dont you think if i wanted to bring another girl back i would say something. that i would bring it up. i mean what guy would say no to that. it's ridiculous. i mean seriously. if that is what i wanted to do i could have done it last friday night. instead of explain that i didnt want to actually have sex with a woman just that i like making out with them. i mean if that is what i wanted to do wouldnt i have said yes i want to have sex with a woman!!!

well i got another bitchy email from kenny saying that his ex is the one that told him to give me that nasty email and then he went on to say how much she wanted him back. can he not put 2 and 2 together. how ridiculous is that. not to mention the only reason she wants him back is because her new bf dumped her sorry ass and she saw how sweet kenny was to me and how great he treated me. and he is going to take advise from her. that is sad. she probably still sees me as compitetion. oh well she can have him. obiviously i dont want him for anything more than a friend and if he is going to treat me like this then i dont even want to be friends with him. but anyway. keith and i are going to a brewer's game on good friday. that is probably going to be really fun. i am looking forward to it. but i really need to go home after this weekend for awhile. i have barely been home all month. plus i need to find a job. as usual. i dont know what i am going to do. job wise. i also need to register for classes. and get alot done. cuz i aint getting anything done sitting up here. as nice as it is. lol. i am going to miss keith alot when i get a job though. that is the only part that sucks. well keith just called and said he isnt going to be home for lunch so i am going to get something to eat now.

alright well keith came home for lunch. we talked and he said he doesnt want to break up. so i am relieved. but i still dont know how we are going to stop fighting. he is saying it is all my fault and yet he wont admit that it takes 2 people to fight and that i didnt have a problem. oh well. i am happy cuz hopefully we can figure out a way to stop fighting. he asked me if i was going to get all mental if he broke up with me. i was like whatever. i mean of course i would be upset. wouldnt he? i mean if he told me why and i understood it then of course i would take it better. but i would still be upset. i dont know.

well keith and i got into another fight last night. the fight was because he kept asking what was wrong when there was nothing wrong. and last time he got mad at me because i wouldnt talk to him well last night he wouldnt talk to me. so we had this whole fight because we were talking about being boyfriend and girlfriend and he was like i know this is going to start a fight so he just rolls over. just rolled over. and then he was saying that he didnt care one way or the other if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. so i was hurt by that. he was like if you want to call us that then do it. but i am not going to call him my boyfriend if he doesnt care. i am not going to have a boyfriend by default. ya know i want someone who wants to be my boyfriend. he was like i dont need a title and i dont know but the more i think about it the lamer that sounds. i mean it just seems to me that he doesnt want to be and that he likes things the way they are but he will let me call him my boyfriend. i dont think he cares about me as much as i do him. which would be weird considering he chased after me. but every time we get into a fight he is going to say that is it. i agree that we shouldnt be fighting and that it will probably get worse after last night it's just like maybe we shouldnt have gone past friends. i dont want to run our relationship into the ground

wow is kenny an ass!!!!

that dick wrote me an email saying that he doesnt want to be bed buddies with me because i might not take my pill or i might give him an std!!!!! he is the one that never wanted to wear a damn condom!! not to mention i didnt want to be bed buddies with him!!!!!!!!! what an ass. i cant believe he would say something like that. oh wait it's kenny!!!! that's right. what a dick. well anyway. keith and i were talking last night and he was all asking me more stuff like he always does. like if he wasnt married would i want to be married to him. but he wouldnt say married he would say the situation. so then i made him answer and of course it was all round about so i was like what is that supposed to mean. lol. but anyway he said that if he wasnt thinking about it a little bit then he wouldnt be asking me. so that is pretty cool. sometimes though i just wish he would be a little more straight forward but i know why he is like that. cuz he wants to take it slow so he wants to talk about it but not really talk about it. which i so understand. kenny is online now. oh great apparently i treat him like shit but he wants to wait until tomorrow to tell me why. so he wants me to have him come over to my house and bitch at me. he said he doesnt want to tell me why over the im because i contradict what he is saying. where does he come up with shit like that!!!!! i dont understand his thought process!!! its just outrageous. i dont know i think i might want keith to be there when kenny gets there because i dont know what the hell to expect from kenny.

home sweet home

well keith went home with me over the weekend. it was pretty fun. i loved having him there. i was a little worried that he would like cheryl more but he didnt. well he didnt seem to anyway. we had a blast on friday though. we went out to a bar and three of kyles friends were there well me and cheryl played musical chairs where the girls had to give lap dance to the guys well i sat in one of the chairs. so all the girls had to give me lap dances and cheryl and i had to kiss to get in on the game. and then 2 girls had to make out with me to stay in. it was pretty wild and a guy asked keith if he was with me and keith was like yeah and the guy was like cool. and then cheryl and i were taking body shots off of each other. it was pretty wild. after wards jimmy the bar owner was like thanks. lol. it was sooo much fun. i just let loose and just had fun and didnt care what anyone else thought. and it was great cuz i know it's going to get back to kyle about keith being there. and keith took a body shot off of me too. and before he did that a friend of kyle's was talking to keith asking if he was my boyfriend and keith said yeah and he was all like i went to art class with her and all that. so i know kyle is going to hear about it. but i dont care what he thinks. i just wish i could be a fly on the wall when he is told. but i was doing it for me and to let loose not to prove anything. actually i only thought about kyle finding out once or twice. when ever i saw someone else that knew him but otherwise i ws thinking about keith and making out with all the girls. lol. i was so happy keith was there. everyone seemed to like him. harry didnt say anything to him at all and keith was like he should have said something right away instead of waiting until he has seen me a couple of times cuz then i will have all sorts of ammo for him. lol. and he was already thinking of stuff to say to him when he does say something. and then he checked to make sure i dont have any plans of moving back there. and i was saying how i would like to live someplace warm during the winter and go to chicago in the summer. and later on he was saying that he would like to live someplace warm and have a place up here. i was pretty shocked that he said that cuz i figured that he wouldnt want to do that. last night i was laying in bed next to him and it was so nice. it feels like my heart is constantly being squeezed. but in a good way. i dont know if it's going to last but i love him. he is so sweet and nice and thoughtful and ya know what there are no buts. i mean it's like i have not found one thing that i dont like about him. he is who he is and he doesnt apologize for it. he is so great. the only problem i have is that i am insecure which is something i need to work on. ya know. i just need to get it in gear and realize how damn great i am. lol. who's insecure? lol

Hog heaven!!!!!

i am such a nerd. lol. i got to see keith's bike today all done and everything. the pipes he had put on sound bad ass. they are so loud you can feel them it's awesome. i got to sit on it. lol. i cant wait to go for a ride. kenny asked if iwas going to be on the back of it when i showed him a pick. i was like i better get a damn ride!!! lol. i am working on a pic for keith but i have a feeling i am fucking it up. i dont think i am going to be happy with it at all. but i am still going to try and get done today so i can take it home and get it framed if i am happy with it. i dont have too much more to go i guess. but then i have to fix all the stuff i screwed up and there's no telling if i am going to mess up any more so we will see. it shouldnt take too much longer though. just a few more hours. keith came home crabby from work. so that sucked for a little while but then i had him show me his bike and that cheered him up a bit and then we ate and what not. lol. and he took a nap so i think he is in a much better mood now. hopefully. tomorrow we are heading down south. i told my brother about him yesterday. eric asked if he was in school and i was like no he's older and he was like oh well how old is he and i was like 31 and he was like oooohhhhhh jjjjeeeeessssuuuuussssss!! and then he wanted to know how we met and then he ragged on me about meeting him online. and then he ragged some more about his age. it was kinda funny eric was like well i never went out with anyone ten yrs younger than me and i was like yeah cuz they would be 14!!!! and illegal!!!! but you went out with all my friends and slept with all the girls in my class when they were all illegal. but he just laughed that one off. as always. well i gotta get busy.

well i guess kenny is getting over me. that is good. he sent me an email saying that i am emotionally attached to keith and that something finally clicked in his head and all that. so i am glad that he isnt upset any more. hopefully that will make everything go a little bit smoother from now on. and i wont feel like he is going to try and talk me into going back out with him. i am working on a drawing for keith. i am about a quarter of the way done so far. i have everything outlined and i have started the shading. i cant wait to see it when it is done. i am going to get it matted and framed for him because this is going to be his xmas gift. so i am pretty excited to get it done. but i am trying not to put too much pressure on it because then i will either fuck it up or i will just not be happy with it. either way would suck. so i am going to just take my time. to an extent because it needs to be done by friday. well i guess it doesnt but i want to try to get it framed while i am at home but that might not happen so i am just going to do what i can and get it done. but it is coming along pretty good. i have alot of stuff to do today because i really havent done anything since i have been home. i need to clean a bit and do some laundry and i have to do my dishes there's no getting out of that any longer. plus i have to pack and all that stuff. this is exciting i cant wait to show keith where i live. not that it's interesting or anything but because i want to share it with him. and it will be nice having someone there with me when i am home. so i dont get so bogged down. ya know. there's a life line saying see you really do live in chicago it wasnt all just a dream. plus i just want to share it with him. i think i am going to get my heart broken again. i know he wants to move really slow. and so do i. but he said that he was going to hold back. and it's like i know i am at least with the i love you part. but it's like i am not with anything else. ya know. and i am afraid maybe i am going to come on too strong and maybe scare him off. i dont know. i understand where he is coming from and all that but i am still scared that he is going to change his mind any day. which is why i feel like the whole kenny situation is reversed here. plus marisa was saying that he is on the rebound because i am the first girl he has gotten somewhat serious with since his ex and that scared me some cuz it's like what if i am just the rebound? ya know this is so retarded here comes all the stupid questions and the stupid wondering and it's all ridiculous. i just think maybe i am putting more of myself into than he is. cuz like i want to touch him so i touch him. etc. so i feel like i feel more towards him than he does me but i dont know if that is just because he is holding back or if it is really how it is. but all this is pointless i need to just not worry about it. ya know either he likes me or he doesnt and i like him. i just need to keep focusing on myself and not get too wrapped up in the whatif and the whole thing so i dont end up like how i was with kyle. i want to be able to keep myself. ya know. i need a job. damn. why didnt i get a job sooner. cuz if i had a job right now i could be doing tango still. i could be doing that adventure club thing and i could be taking painting lessons and going to school and all sorts of stuff to keep me busy so i am not sitting here wondering if he likes me. i would be running around wondering if he likes me. lol. i am a nerd. but oh well i know he likes me. he has too otherwise he is crazy. lol. that sounded conceited. but what i mean is that all the stuff he has done for me he would be crazy just to do it for a piece of ass or to mess with my head. i mean i am not that good. although lately i am rather enthusiastic. lol. ya know the other day he said he liked it cuz sometimes it seems like i just have to have it. and that i cant wait any longer and all that. and it's true. but ya know i would like to feel like that once in awhile. ya know. i dont know if i ever have. well anyway i have to get some work done so i can go home this weekend. but i dont want to move. i am so sad. but thats ok. i do need a job though. i need to get off my ass and look. well anyway i have to clean and start my laundry while there are still washers available

kenny came over last night. we hung out but i think he is just waiting for the chance to try and sleep with me again. so this is probably going to be stressful. and then keith asked me if we did anything. ok i ask if i am just a convenience and he gets all bent out of shape and then he can ask me that. he also asked this morning if kenny talked me out of being with him. whatever. at first it didnt bug me but now it is starting to. but do i tell him and possibly get us into another fight. or just let it go. i dont know. i know he wants me to tell him but i dont want to get into another fight right now. and i know not saying something cuz i dont want to get in a fight is pretty silly but we just had one yesterday and i dont know. man i was just talking to kenny on the im and he keeps trying to talk me into going out with him. like argue his way back in. which i know how he feels. ya know i know i did that a little bit with my ex but that was like the first night ya know. i dont know. i wrote keith an email telling him how cute and sweet he is. it was pretty corny but ya know sometimes i just cant hold it in anymore. besides why would i want to. he is cute and sweet. and i just want to hug him and squeeze him. lol. i am a nerd. i wonder if you can be a nerd professionally. i would be perfect for it. ya know i can understand how keith might not trust me. i knew it would kinda be a problem going into the relationship or whatever we have. but still it is frustrating. cuz it's like i didnt sleep with kenny after keith and i had sex. i didnt want to. i had absolutely no desire to sleep with kenny after that. or anyone else for that matter. i have no desire to sleep with him now. or go back out with him or anything like that. ya know. i want to see where it goes with keith cuz i think it could go pretty good. so no one else interests me. even when we fought i was like there is no way i am going to just go home and give up on something that is so awesome just because we had a little fight. yeah it was kinda soon but everyone has fights and at least we got it out of the way. ya know we dont have to worry about the other shoe falling and all that. and we both learned how deal with one another a little better. i wish i wasnt scared to tell keith i love him. but then again he could be sitting there saying i am glad she hasnt tried to say i love you yet. although i dont think that is the case. but i am kinda scared too that this is me and kenny reversed. like i like keith way more than he likes me. i think that is left over from micheal. ya know. but i am a little worried that he will just be like what was i thinking. but oh well ya cant not do something cuz you are scared of all the whatifs i mean the least we will get is friendship and the most could be something absolutely wonderful. so i think that is a pretty good deal. but marisa was telling me yesterday how she is getting bitter. like ray was sleeping and she woke him up cuz she was pissed that he was sleeping. and i remember doing stuff like that with my ex. not the sleeping thing although he did do that with me. but other stuff ya know and i dont want to do that to anybody. who wants to be bitter? i want to be happy for keith if he gets to sleep right away. lol. ok thats corny but ya know what i mean. it's not his fault if i dont get to sleep right away. well technically it is. lol. no just kidding i usually have trouble falling alseep the way it is. and when i do fall asleep i can sleep through just about anything. well anyway. i am sleepy so i am going to go and take a nap now cuz i feel like it. lol. i am horrible.

dang that was a long entry. oh well. and i still have more to go. i talked to marisa earlier. she said that she has to call me back after work because we need to finish the conversation we were having. apparently there are quite a few parallels between ray and his ex and keith and his ex. so we are going to have to have a little girl talk later. lol. she is going to go and be a photographer now. so that sounds cool. i cant wait to go home this weekend and see my niece and cheryl and then go and see marisa. i will be so happy to see her again. and i will be very happy to see dr. abramson again. i need to talk to him. well shit i dont know. i am kinda upset now. kenny said that mark said that i was convenient for keith because i dont want a commitment and i dont but i asked keith what he thought of that and he got kinda huffy about it and so then i kinda wondered if it was that way and if maybe i was just being retarded to think that he liked me or whatever and that there might be something eventually and that maybe he was just saying that to get me to play along. so i told him that i was wondering or whatever and he got even madder and he was like well i dont think we should even be having this conversation so early and all that and that was silly cuz i wasnt asking him to make a commitment i just wanted to know if i was getting laughed at behind my back. and whether or not i should care. ya know so if i know he doesnt care about me then ok. but i would like to know one way or the other. but i guess i was letting my insecurities get to me or whatever cuz if i think about it and if actions speak louder than words and i think we all know they do well then he does care about me. but it was pissing me off because he kept saying well i care about you somewhat. and it's like what the hell is that. that's like saying well i kinda dont mind you. you dont annoy the fuck out of me so ok. like i said before i dont care if he says he loves me or even if he does not right now anyway but i would like to know that i am more than desposable. and so i was like well i would like to know if i am just another girl on your im list and he was like i guess so. or something along those lines and that really pissed me off. it's like well thanks at least i know. i dont know so now i am in a pissy mood. it's like what the hell why did it escalate into that. when i was just asking him a question. i guess i am hurt cuz it's like i do care about him and he isnt just someone else i talk to on the internet and the fact that he would say that i am just someone he talks to really bothers me. it doesnt matter if he meant it or not. i would actually prefer that he meant it because then at least he was being honest but if he didnt mean it then he was just saying it to hurt me and that is not cool at all. especially since we had this whole discusion about how if anything is bothering me then i need to tell him. well i am not going to tell him if he is just going to turn around and say things to hurt me when i do. i dont know. i guess i dont know how he feels. well now i am tired and i need to go and get some food. cuz i am hungry. and then i need to clean a bit more.

so i am depressed...again

that is kenny and marks reason as to why i broke up with him. ya know if that's what it takes. but who knows maybe i am. i am going to talk to dr. a. about it just in case. but that would be weird considering that i am actually happier now than i have ever been. ya know. but maybe i was more depressed than i thought. but i dont know. he was saying all the warning signs and i was like i already know all of them. all though his cousin did say that getting serious with him could have set off a depressive state for me or some shit like that and i was like that so makes sense. lol. but i am a bit of a hypochondriac. see the manic depressive stage below. lol. i still think i have adult adhd though. lol. i am horrible. it's sad when you roll your eyes at yourself. i was laying in bed last night and keith stayed until 4 so he could get some sleep and then just drive straight to his ex's house to take nikki to daycare. and i am just about to burst cuz i want to say i love you to him. cuz i do love him but i am afraid that as soon as i say it it will go away. and then i will feel like shit because i said it and then i dont feel it any more. how sick would that be. if someone did that to me i would think they were just fucking with my head. plus i kinda like keeping it too myself. i mean he knows how i feel. i think. he seems to anyway. maybe not the extent. but it's like i know how he feels. maybe not to the extent. but i know he feels something. and ya know. i am not rushing it. i could ask him if i wanted to know that bad but i want him to do it when he wants to. and i want to do it when i want to. but i also think maybe i have a fear of commitment now. which would be understandable. and i also think maybe i am just being stubborn about growing up. ya know. it's like i have already been an adult. been there done that thank you very much. now i want to be a kid. maybe that is why i am having a hard time with college. cuz once it's over i have to find a job. and all that and then i feel that it will be too late to have fun. i think i need a dr up here. ya know so i can do that and then just talk to dr a. when i go home. ya know catch up. i dont know. but that would be a waste of money and i need a job first. ya know. it's kinda weird but when keith puts his hand over my heart i jump. it's like a bolt of electricity hits me where he touches. and i am wondering if that is because it's him or because i am just sensitive to other people touching me. but i dont remember it happening from anyone else. but sometimes i have a bad memeory. and i dont think kenny ever touched me there. i am glad that i was with kenny ya know. i think that if i would have tried to see where it went with keith at that time then it would be the other way around right now. ya know. well maybe not but i am afraid that thats what would have happened. cuz i was still pretty caught up on my ex. especially that week before my period. god that was stupid. his new chic still hasnt emailed me back. lol. good i was hoping that last email would shut her up. lol. she's a fucking idiot. but anyway. i cant wait to see cheryl!!!!! i am so happy that keith is coming. i cant wait to see what cheryl thinks of him. well actually i dont care what she thinks of him i just want to show him off. lol. well i do care what she thinks of him. but i know she is going to like him and everything. i just want to hear her tell me how sweet and funny and nice and cute he is so i can say i know!!! lol god i am like the biggest nerd ever. i guess it's a good thing i am so damn hot. lol. jk. actually that reminds me i need to exercise. damn. theres alot that i need to do actually. but hey i am up early it's 10 am so ya know there's plenty of time for all that stuff. i got so much stuff in the mail. i got my new speakers for my computer and i got kenny's xmas present and i got my books. it was like xmas. the only thing is that i bought it all. lol. well anyway. i got things to do. and i better get doing them especially because i got my new speakers on my computer and i can listen to good music while i do stuff oooo and i have to run up to kinko's to get copies of these pics that i brought back from keith's so i can make his xmas present. i hope it turns out as cool as i want it to but that means it wont because i want it to be perfect and it wont be. so i just need to pretend that i am doing it for myself and not for him. i love him. there it's out there. and it still feels good. but that doesnt mean i am going to tell him. i just want to hold it in a bit more. i told cheryl that i thought i did. but i told her not to hold me to it. lol. incase i change my mind. i am so rotten. oh yeah i met his daughter. she is sooo adorable. i feel out of place a little bit though. but that could just be because i am akward with kids. and it could also be a bit because i dont know where i fit in. so i stand on the outside a bit. ya know cuz i dont want to intrude where i am not welcome. and since his attention has to be so focused on her ya know. and i dont know how to help or anything but i know that will get better over time because like with my ex's (wow i didnt even feel the need to call him a moron. this is a profound moment. let's take a moment to reflect and think about this momentous occasion. lol.) so anyway. his nephew loved me and would just literally attach himself to me for the whole time i was there. i was holding him. but since i dont know his daughter that well yet i dont know how to act around her. which is weird kinda i guess to be shy around a 2 yr old. lol. wow i just realized that is why i am like that around kids. not because i am akward but because i want them to like me. that is so sad. ok take back the moment of reflection lol. one step forward two steps back. wow. that is so sad. i am messed up. lol. dang. anyway i have to get off this rollercoaster of selfdiscovery for now. it's just too much for me to handle. lol. is there any place i could go to get help for being a nerd? probably not.

well keith and i had our first fight yesterday. he was all bent out of shape cuz i wouldnt tell him what was wrong when there was nothing wrong. and then when there was something wrong and i didnt tell him he got super pissed and stormed out and then came back with the food that he went to get and then went into his room and i sat out in the livingroom and watched sex and the city and real time with bill mahr. he was all like here's the food tell me when you want to go home. like i am going to want to go home just cuz we had a fight. over something stupid. i can understand how he would get upset because he thought i was just holding stuff in and then i was because what i was upset about was stupid and i would get over it and i didnt want to sound like a nag. cuz it was no big deal but i should have told him any way i guess. i will just have to from now on so he doesnt stress out i guess. cuz then it just causes more problems. then i was worried cuz i didnt think he wanted to get it on but then we ended up having some pretty good sex so i was happy then. it was nice. i am going home tonight. i think he is sick of me. lol. but he is going home with me this coming weekend so we both need to get stuff done. well he says that he didnt get super mad so i dont know what he is going to do when he really gets mad. he thinks i am just typing all this crap cuz he is sitting here but he has no idea what a nerd i really am. lol. i dont know about this he is kinda goofy. lol. maybe i should just back out now. lol. no. jk. he isnt all that bad. lol. he just has a few quarks like everyone else. like he freaks out if the covers arent straight on the bed. lol. it's cute though. for now anyway. lol. well anyway i will write more later when he isnt going to be right here and make fun of everything i type lol

keith's birthday is october 28 1972 he is one old motherfucker

well kenny is in the pissed phase i think. last night he didnt say much when he came over. just got his stuff and left. but this morning he sent me an email saying that it was funny cuz i always bitch about how my ex broke up with me and i did it the same way to him. i know i thought of that. and i feel like shit because of it. but i wasnt mean to him, i didnt act like he wasnt there. i feel so bad. keith came and got me last night. he brought me back to his house to let me chill. so this morning i did his laundry and now i am just chilling waiting for the rest of his laundry to dry and then i am going to get on the treadmill. i am on my fourth day of the no2. so far i think it is doing pretty good. i need to drink more water though. kyle's new girlfriend hasnt emailed me back yet. but that doesnt mean she wont.

breaking up is hard to do

this sucks. i am so bad at breaking up with someone. i told him but i dont know. i am worried he is going to try and talk me out of it later. so now i am sitting here dreading seeing him because i know how hard it is going to be. i knew i should have waited to do it face to face. but then it would have been harder. ya know what i think breaking up with someone over the phone should be mandatory. yes they deserve better but it gives distance. it gives room to think and to feel what you are going to feel in private. and i dont know i guess i am just chicken shit but i know that if he was here i wouldnt have been able to get out what i needed to get out and i would. i just hope he doesnt hate me. but i know that is unrealistic. i am just going to read my book i guess and wait for keith or cheryl to call. i just think that over the phone he was in shock and by the time that he gets here he is going to be pissed. i dont know what to expect.

well i am going to break up with kenny. i had a great weekend with keith. we didnt really do anything just layed around. but it was fun. i got another letter from kyle's new woman. well girl. she is so 16 it's ridiculous. she is so imature and doing stuff just to piss me off. it's really sad. i think i am going to reply and fuck with her head a little bit. but just this one last time. and then just never email her again if she writes back. she is freaking retarded. i wish i could meet her just to laugh in her face. but not really. i have no desire to meet her and she completely curbed my desire to talk to kyle. so cudo's for her. i cant believe that i ever did in the first place. she just reminded me how big of an ass he is and how much of a weak little moron he is that he cant talk to me because his new girlfriend is jealous. that is soooo sad. i would never make kenny not talk to his ex. it's ridiculous. that is sooo stupid. well anyway. i will type more later

i am so glad i am not 16 any more. i feel bad for that girl. she is already worried that kyle will lose interest in her and all that. she has balls. i like that but it is funny because he said i was controlling and all that yet she has to write his emails for him and check his email for him. see he was just pissed because i wasnt there to run his life any more. he acted like a damn child. no wonder he is going out with one. oh well. it is just funny cuz he still wanted to sleep with me that weekend and all that and he left me after 6 yrs for someone else plus he still has that pic i mean who is going to start a relationship on that. that is ridiculous. i am glad that i finally know now though. that is a relief cuz i cant pretend that it was my fault anymore and that he really isnt an asshole. plus i am more secure with myself and i am glad i dont have to put up with his shit. ya know. i was going to tell her some of what he did that weekend and how much of a lier and an ass he is but i figured she went out after a guy with a girlfriend she can find that shit out for herself. well keith is on the phone and i have to laundry and get breakfast.

guys suck...why do we even need relationships

well the fucking moron did leave me for another girl....named brittany
Hi,
This is Brittany... I am not trying to be a bitch but i would really appreciate it if you wouldn't write any messages to my boyfriend.. i realize that you were with Kyle for almost 6 years but now you aren't anymore and i am his girlfriend... i would respect you if u would tell me not to talk to your boyfriend..... so please don't... and i know kyle doesn't want to talk either.... he told me just to delete your email.... yes he cared about you for a long time but now he cares about me and i would like to keep it that way.... i'm sorry to disturb you but i just didn't want this to go on any longer... so thanx
Brittany


i know you are just doing what kyle asked. but just let me tell you. that is the first time i emailed kyle or attempted to talk to him since we broke up except for when i asked him to be a reference for me for a job. the only reason i even emailed him is because i hate hating him. i am glad it's over but like i said i just dont like carring around this hate. i wanted things to end with kyle too but i think it is a waste to throw someone away after six yrs. obviously he isnt man enough to face me. and that shows a lack of character in him. i hope you 2 are very happy together i am glad i now know why he dumped me but could you please have him put my stuff in storage (my furniture and computer and all that stuff washer dryer) and leave my grandma the info. i would really appreciate it and that way he wont have to talk to me. he was an important part of my life and he helped me through the worst part of mylife and now that i am happy i wanted to talk to him and see how he was doing. i dont want him back and i dont think that you are a bitch trust me i had my fill of being jealous over him. just tell him i forgive him. i made the best decision of my life moving to chicago and i would make it again everyday of my life. i am very happy now and i want him to know that. because i thought he might like to know and that he might be happy for me. and if i knew he had a girlfriend i wouldnt have emailed him. but i am glad i did and i am glad you emailed me back cuz like i said now i know.
thank you
Elisha

obviously she is insecure and jealous and retarded and he is an ass. sounds like a match made in heaven. oh well like i said in my reply to her. i am glad i now know and that he is a moron and that i am happy now and i wouldnt change a thing. she can have him cuz i can do better. i already have several times. but anyway.

decisions decisions

ok so now keith wants me to go out with him. well see where it leads. well i dont know. i really like kenny and i dont want to break up with him to got out with someone else. i dont want to do that to him. and i am not even sure i want to be in a relationship anyway. ya know it's like i like keith alot but i dont want a boyfriend and i know i have one now. but i dont want to go from one to the other. and all that and i dont know i still want to be friends with kenny but i dont know if keith would trust me and i dont even know if kenny would want to be friends with me. plus i still want to be able to buy kenny his xmas present and a valentines day present and all that. and i want to be able to take him to the chop house. and all that. but i know keith wont be comfortable with that and i dont even know if i would be comfortable being friends with kenny because he might try to pressure me into going out with him or doing something with him. once you say i love you to someone how do you take it back.

keith came over last night. we had a good time. we watched a really bad movie. once upon a time in mexico. it was soo bad. ya know i like movies that are at least a little bit realistic. ya know i mean if you punch someone they are not going to go flying backwards unless you are bruce lee. although i did like johnny depps character. well anyway. i cant wait to go and spend time with him on sunday. that is going to be fun. i really liked going up and seeing him last time. his harley came in today. thats sweet. well anyway. i got things to do. oh i also cleaned so now my place looks really nice again. lol.

kenny got me an awesome present for valentines day. i cant wait to have a job so i can get him some cool stuff. and he said that he wanted to buy a latte maker. and since that is what i want to get him for xmas that is so cool cuz now i know he will like it. just need to get a job before he buys it himself. lol. the pic is awesome though it's 3 pics. of couples dancing. tango to be exact. but it is so cool. i really like it. he gets some great presents. damn. i cant wait til i can get him some. the latte maker i saw was sooo awesome! plus i am going to get him a few more things that he needs so that will be cool. well not needs so much as wants oh and i got him a pic of the cast from casino. it was done in pastels and it looked really nice and i am pretty sure that is his fave movie so. he liked it. he picked it out. he was really sweet last night. he said it would be cool if me and keith went on vacation while he was in vegas so i was glad he was ok with it. we are probably just going to go down and see cheryl. cheryl wrote me a great email yesterday saying i wasnt a retard for emailing kyle and that i was a strong person and that i was a bigger person than kyle cuz he never would have had the balls to email me first or what ever and she is like i am confident that you know how you feel about him and that there are better things out there for you. so that was cool. and i was happy that she said all those things it cheered me up. but anyway. keith and i talked until 3 something in the morning. cuz i found out i have gonorrhea and that sucks i dont know who i got it from but i dont really care. as long as it's not herpes or aids or something ya know. i just learned a lesson that i already knew. not to have sex unless i am in a monogomous relationship and we have both been tested. it's weird though cuz i dont have any syptoms or anything. but oh well. kenny was cool with it. surprisingly i thought he would get mad and blame me and be mean about it. but he wasnt. and he didnt blame me. i dont know i am sure i am the one at fault so i just need to be more careful in the future. i felt kinda slutty but it happens especially if you arent careful and i wasnt as careful as i should have been apparently and at least it is treatable in one day. sex sucks.

seriously i was going to call him and i actually did but i guess they had the phone unplugged or something cuz of the game. well anyway so i was talking to keith and he got me straightened me out but then i went to bed and couldnt sleep and then i emailed him. i just wrote hey. thats it but still i dont want to talk to him i dont want to see him i dont want him to know i am thinking of him. i just want to forget he ever existed. he is a waste of my time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate him. i am too soft hearted. he doesnt deserve jack shit from me. but i do want my picture back. i just hate him and people like him. although i do want a true love. i want to have that magical, love will conquer all, nothing can destroy it, without it you cant breathe kinda love. i dont know maybe i just want to feel loved. i dont. i dont know what being loved feels like. i dont know one person that loves me. actually loves me. not what they think i am. not for selfish reasons. not for anything other than me. not for what they want me to be. it's sad to love so many people but not feel that love returned. maybe it's because i dont share it enough. i dont share my feelings, i dont let people know so they dont share with me. i dont know. i read somewhere that when you dream of a loved one that's dead then you finally except that they are dead. but i dont think that is the case. i dream about my mom but in my dreams she is always alive she is always back. she was dead and then she came back. i am still waiting for her to come back.

God how stupid is it to be a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i swear ya know normally pms is fine and dandy. dont like it but dont mind it too much. all part of being a woman and what not. however when it causes you to be an overemotional oversentimental retard that does the dumbest shit i just wish i had a penis. seriously why....why should it make me forget what a selfish ass he is why would it make me miss his legs and the way he looked when he played soccer etc. etc. etc. i dont get it!!! when i knew i would regret it why did i still send the email. why did i send it i could erase it but then i know i will just do it again next month. god i am retarded!!!!!!