so i am depressed...again

that is kenny and marks reason as to why i broke up with him. ya know if that's what it takes. but who knows maybe i am. i am going to talk to dr. a. about it just in case. but that would be weird considering that i am actually happier now than i have ever been. ya know. but maybe i was more depressed than i thought. but i dont know. he was saying all the warning signs and i was like i already know all of them. all though his cousin did say that getting serious with him could have set off a depressive state for me or some shit like that and i was like that so makes sense. lol. but i am a bit of a hypochondriac. see the manic depressive stage below. lol. i still think i have adult adhd though. lol. i am horrible. it's sad when you roll your eyes at yourself. i was laying in bed last night and keith stayed until 4 so he could get some sleep and then just drive straight to his ex's house to take nikki to daycare. and i am just about to burst cuz i want to say i love you to him. cuz i do love him but i am afraid that as soon as i say it it will go away. and then i will feel like shit because i said it and then i dont feel it any more. how sick would that be. if someone did that to me i would think they were just fucking with my head. plus i kinda like keeping it too myself. i mean he knows how i feel. i think. he seems to anyway. maybe not the extent. but it's like i know how he feels. maybe not to the extent. but i know he feels something. and ya know. i am not rushing it. i could ask him if i wanted to know that bad but i want him to do it when he wants to. and i want to do it when i want to. but i also think maybe i have a fear of commitment now. which would be understandable. and i also think maybe i am just being stubborn about growing up. ya know. it's like i have already been an adult. been there done that thank you very much. now i want to be a kid. maybe that is why i am having a hard time with college. cuz once it's over i have to find a job. and all that and then i feel that it will be too late to have fun. i think i need a dr up here. ya know so i can do that and then just talk to dr a. when i go home. ya know catch up. i dont know. but that would be a waste of money and i need a job first. ya know. it's kinda weird but when keith puts his hand over my heart i jump. it's like a bolt of electricity hits me where he touches. and i am wondering if that is because it's him or because i am just sensitive to other people touching me. but i dont remember it happening from anyone else. but sometimes i have a bad memeory. and i dont think kenny ever touched me there. i am glad that i was with kenny ya know. i think that if i would have tried to see where it went with keith at that time then it would be the other way around right now. ya know. well maybe not but i am afraid that thats what would have happened. cuz i was still pretty caught up on my ex. especially that week before my period. god that was stupid. his new chic still hasnt emailed me back. lol. good i was hoping that last email would shut her up. lol. she's a fucking idiot. but anyway. i cant wait to see cheryl!!!!! i am so happy that keith is coming. i cant wait to see what cheryl thinks of him. well actually i dont care what she thinks of him i just want to show him off. lol. well i do care what she thinks of him. but i know she is going to like him and everything. i just want to hear her tell me how sweet and funny and nice and cute he is so i can say i know!!! lol god i am like the biggest nerd ever. i guess it's a good thing i am so damn hot. lol. jk. actually that reminds me i need to exercise. damn. theres alot that i need to do actually. but hey i am up early it's 10 am so ya know there's plenty of time for all that stuff. i got so much stuff in the mail. i got my new speakers for my computer and i got kenny's xmas present and i got my books. it was like xmas. the only thing is that i bought it all. lol. well anyway. i got things to do. and i better get doing them especially because i got my new speakers on my computer and i can listen to good music while i do stuff oooo and i have to run up to kinko's to get copies of these pics that i brought back from keith's so i can make his xmas present. i hope it turns out as cool as i want it to but that means it wont because i want it to be perfect and it wont be. so i just need to pretend that i am doing it for myself and not for him. i love him. there it's out there. and it still feels good. but that doesnt mean i am going to tell him. i just want to hold it in a bit more. i told cheryl that i thought i did. but i told her not to hold me to it. lol. incase i change my mind. i am so rotten. oh yeah i met his daughter. she is sooo adorable. i feel out of place a little bit though. but that could just be because i am akward with kids. and it could also be a bit because i dont know where i fit in. so i stand on the outside a bit. ya know cuz i dont want to intrude where i am not welcome. and since his attention has to be so focused on her ya know. and i dont know how to help or anything but i know that will get better over time because like with my ex's (wow i didnt even feel the need to call him a moron. this is a profound moment. let's take a moment to reflect and think about this momentous occasion. lol.) so anyway. his nephew loved me and would just literally attach himself to me for the whole time i was there. i was holding him. but since i dont know his daughter that well yet i dont know how to act around her. which is weird kinda i guess to be shy around a 2 yr old. lol. wow i just realized that is why i am like that around kids. not because i am akward but because i want them to like me. that is so sad. ok take back the moment of reflection lol. one step forward two steps back. wow. that is so sad. i am messed up. lol. dang. anyway i have to get off this rollercoaster of selfdiscovery for now. it's just too much for me to handle. lol. is there any place i could go to get help for being a nerd? probably not.