finally i am home. not really though cuz i am at kenny's waiting for him to come back from teaching piano. so anyway dr abramson convinced me to call micheal just to see. so i text messaged him last night and nothing so far so whatever now i know that is officially over but i am still confused as to why. but anyway i think me and keith are just going to be friends and i dont know but the idea of being kenny's girlfriend is sounding better all the time. i dont understand it either. well actually i do. he is very sweet (except when he went crazy over keith but we will see about that) so then anyway he is also romantic and considerate and just a great person. i talked to mike over xmas break which reminds me i still have to call him. but anyway. i was glad to catch up with him. he was one of my best friends growing up and i hadnt seen him since h.s. graduation. but he seemed to be doing very well. which is awesome. so anyway. i am exhausted right now. kenny kept me up all night and then the damn phone rang all morning. so anyway i am going to stop now

ok well i am sitting here playing barbies with my niece. i am babysitting tonight. well not only did i see kyle's dad but the next day i saw his brother but luckily i was riding around with cheryl so i didnt have to talk to him but he is the hot one and then yesterday my grandma emma said that she saw kyle at the store and he was with a girl and they had their arms around each other. so i am pretty upset by that. it makes me sick. but the way i figure it is if he leaves someone after 6yrs for someone else whats he gonna do when he gets sick of her. and not to mention the fact that if he did break up with me to go out with her then he is a lying cheating bastard cuz he wanted one for the road with me. so he would have been cheating on her all ready. what the hell is with that. the idiot!!! so anyway. kenny went to vegas for the week. and i talk to keith all the time. we talked for 5 hrs the other night. it's crazy so anyway. i am pretty much sick of being down here. oh not to mention that the moron still has a naked pic of me that he wont give back. hmmm. and yet he wants to be in a relationship with someone else. what a moron.

well i am home and it sucks and it is only the second day. i will tell ya all about it when i get back but i just wanted to update cuz i wont be home for a week and half and so i wont get to say anything except maybe something here and there. but i will be back on the night of the 29th and probably update on the 30th. who knows.

well kenny is a complete ass. he said so much mean shit to me just now it's ridiculous. he said that i was using him and that keith is just using me for a piece of ass and that i am stupid if i cant see that and he was saying that i have no feelings and that i hurt him and he said that he was just acting nice and laugh at my jokes (which apparently stink)and all that hurt really bad cuz i would never put on an act for someone or laugh at their jokes that werent funny and pretend to be nice to them. so that hurt alot because i thought he liked me. and i dont know i was really starting to like him alot. and i was thinking about him all day and i am just hurt because it's the same that happened with my ex i would never be that mean to him but then he turned around and was so cruel to me and that is exactly what kenny just did. he was telling me to fuck off and all that. and he was just mean. and he didnt seem to care at all about my feelings. i knew he reminded me a bit of my x but damn. that's ridiculous. well i am going to bed now

alright well me and kenny arent fighting anymore but i dont know what the hell to do. i like him alot but i am not going to be pushed and i dont want a monogomous relationship. but i have a feeling that we wont really be friends if i tell him no more sex. but that should be an even bigger reason not to keep doing this. but i like the sex. and i like him. but i am not going to be serious about any one right now. and he is saying that if i have sex with anyone else then that is cheating on him but technically bed buddies are just casual sex. so i dont know what to do. well kenny actually said he wouldnt come see me if we didnt have sex. but i dont know if he meant it or if he was just saying it so i wont stop having sex with him but either way it's not good. cuz i would want to hang out with him even if we didnt have sex. and i am still pissed that he called me a robot. plus there's keith and john. i really like them both too. they are both really cool and fun to hang out with. and i like them both and i am not going to just say oh well and give up on them because all of a sudden kenny wants to change the rules. but i dont know. it is all starting to get very stressful. so i think i am going to just have to say no to kenny even though it sucks cuz i am not a robot i have feelings for him. i love hanging out with him and his family and everything but i dont know i definitly dont want to be tied down with someone who is going to be shallow like that and just use me for sex. cuz that's what i feel like when he says that and yes i know i am doing the same but the way i want it we could still see other people and we wouldnt be tied down like that and i would still be friends with him if we didnt have sex but the way he wants it it is like he is using me but doesnt want me to be in a position to find someone who wont use me. and now that i just realized that is how it is. i realized that is not what i want at all. it just doesnt work for me like that and i am not going to be with just one person right now. but see the thing is if he would have waited until after i got a job that is how it would have turned out because i wouldnt have time to date, so he would have me all to himself anyway. and i would have been fine with that. but i dont know i guess i would have still dated here and there but it would not have been nearly as much. but oh well. i am so tired right now. and this is really long so i have to take a nap.

so me and kenny are having a huge fight. ohmigod this is fucking ridiculous. he is just so jealous it's ridiculous. he wants to be with who ever he wants but he is not going to let me date and see other people. my ass. it doesnt work for me like that honey. i am pretty pissed cuz he was talking about how he has all these girls that he can go out with over xmas break but he is worried that i am going to fuck my x. hell i feel like jumping him now just to piss off kenny. he's lucky i have enough self respect to still hate that dumbass. so anyway and he was all pissed cuz i didnt tell him every last detail of my date with keith and it's like why would i do that if you are going to act this way to me and get like this. why would i tell you anything at all. well i was on the phone with keith when kenny started iming me last night and keith could tell something was wrong and i told him that kenny was saying some pretty insulting things and that he was mad about me going on a date. well keith knows all about kenny and even what days he comes over and all that and he doesnt care. well he might care a little but he is not saying anything and not making it a big deal and whining about. where as kenny who actually has the better deal is being like this. well keith told me to tell him to take off his panties and quit being a bitch. that was funny but i dont think i could be that mean. all though he is pushing me pretty close. but i just dont get it it was his idea to begin with maybe i will post everything he was saying. it was pretty ridiculous. but i am not going to be guilt tripped into a relationship. i dont need all this drama and bull shit. but anyway. keith said if my "plans" for tonight fell through i could give him a call. lol. well isnt he just the little opportunist. lol i would but i think i am going to be in a pissy mood all day now. or at least until kenny decides what the fuck he wants well i dont have to be in a pissy mood i could just not let it bug me. after all it is his problem. oh great he is back online. and he is reading my last insant message that i wrote to him after he logged off. ok well i dont know what that was all about. he just changes the subject and acts like nothing happened so anyway. i am thinking of taking a nap and then going to register at harold washington community college for next semester

alright well saturday kenny came over and we went to the chop house. that was yummy. we had steak and lobster i was soooo stuffed i could barely move. i had some warm chocolate cake a la mode. it was so good i felt a little buzzed afterward. then we went to see the missing. kenny thought it was boring. but i liked it. it was ok. but not something i want to see after i ate all that food and all i want to do is go home and cover up under my down comforter and sleep for days. so anyway on sunday we went to his students' piano recital. it was really nice. this one little boy played carol of the bells and it was awesome. i was like dang! lol. but anyway then we went back to put up the tree decorations. which is so funny because they were going to do that 2 or 3 weeks ago and kenny's dad was like oh well i thought elisha wanted to help. and he wanted to wait for me. and kenny was like no we can do it now. but they ended up waiting. and then we went out to red lobster. it was ok. then i locked myself out of my apartment and had to go back to kenny's house and stay there. and this morning we had breakfast and he brought me home this morning. i am on the phone with keith and we are talking. i am not looking forward to going home that much. i am but not and i hate it. but i dont know i cant wait to get back. and i havent even left yet. lol. but anyway i am sleepy.

i went out with keith last night. it was pretty fun. we are both so indecisive it's rediculous.lol. but we went to this really nice place to eat. i think it was millers pub or something like that over on wabash. yummy fries. and then we walked around a bit. it was kinda a crazy first date cuz first of all he got lost. then we get to his hotel room and it's pretty crappy. and it's right down town. what the hell is with that. i mean it was pretty bad. very small and dark and dingy. so then we walk around trying to decide what to eat. and we wander and wander and finally he's just like ok no matter whats at millers pub that's where we are eating. the food was pretty good. and then we walk some more and we were going to go ice skating even though he really didnt want to but he was going to anyway. but they were closing in like half an hour. and then we come back to my extremely messy apartment. and then chill here for awhile until we finally made up our minds to leave. oh we walked back. then we returned a video and went to this irish pub and i got a little buzzed (sadly from 2 ciders) and then we came back here and popped in goldmember and watched that for about half an hour maybe before he started tickling me and then of course that lead to kissing and what not. so then we talked for awhile and it's so weird cuz he was all like you so wanted to kiss me earlier and all this other stuff and it's so crazy because he can read me so well. no one else has ever really taken the time to read me. except the obvious. like most people think if i am not smiling i am not happy or if i am smiling that i must be happy and that's not necessarily the case. i smile at inappropriate times sometimes. but anyway. so yeah not only can he read me but about the harder stuff and he is usually right on target. sometimes he is wrong but only like 2 out of the 6 or 7 times he has done it. but anyway. so then we just passed out and woke up at like 930 and then went and had breakfast which was very yummy also. oh but before that we went back to his hotel so he could check out and the guy said that his card was declined and i was just like oh, well no big deal it happens but he was like what! and he paid for the room with cash and then called his card company and they said it was paid for and the guy was like no it wasnt here is the account number and it was a different number than any of his cards so we think he might have gotten hosed. which i would feel so bad about. i already felt bad cuz it was a shitty room. but if it was a shitty room and he got ripped off. good lord!!!! well i got tons more to write but that will probable be more around tomorrow night

well shoot. my cell phone was turned off. that's what i get for forgetting to pay the bill. uuggggghhh. but now i am going to just get the automatic bill pay thing cuz that will be so much simpler and i wont have to worry about remembering. so that will be awesome cuz that and my rent are the only bills i have. and i forget about the rent too but when i realize what day it is then i remember to pay my rent. i just forget all together about the phone bill. well damn i just found out i forgot to pay at&t too. but that's ok cuz i just switched my longdistance over to sbc too. lol. god i am horrible. i need a job. pretty bad. i cant wait to start at dave and busters. i am supposed to have a date with keith today but he isnt going to be able to call my cell phone. so i hope he calls my house phone. that would be nice. well i have to do a couple loads of laundry so i better get off my ass and start that.

dang i am pretty bored right now. i am also not feeling so good. i started to take a nap at 3 well i just woke up at 6. and my head is pounding. i am also starving. hmm what to eat. well i am talking to keith and he is talking about how if anything gets serious i need to think about how he has a kid and how he is in the middle of a rough divorce. and all that. which is true i do need to think about it. but i dont know. i think it is jumping the gun a bit. well not too much but we have yet to meet. so anyway my headache is going away that's good. but i am still sleepy. i need some food.

well last night i stayed over at John's. we watched a couple of movies and then passed out. he's so cute. it's weird cuz he seemed alittle standoffish this week and he said he was sick so he didnt want to kiss me. so i dont know. but then again he did call me and say he wanted to do something so if he wasnt interested then why would he call me? oh well not going to worry about. his uncle's apartment is really nice. i am pretty tired though. i need to clean soooo bad. i hate cleaning. but kenny is coming over tonight and i feel bad if my place is messy and someone comes over. i do not want to go home. i know i will just be constantly reminded of the moron. i hate this. i want to see him but at the same time i dont want him to come anywhere near me. i guess i need to talk to dr abramason. see what the hell this is all about and when it will stop. but i will have some fun too. i will get to see my niece and hang out with her and cheryl and my aunt. and get to see my other grandparents and tom and michelle. and all that so that will be good. keep me busy for awhile. i just dont want to deal with it. my ex that is. and the whole situation. i just know i my nerves are going to be shot to hell. i am already feeling nauseaus just thinking about it. but i know as soon as i get off the train i am going to be wondering if he is going to call (and half hoping he does) ok more than half. like i said i want to see him so bad but i dont want to see him ever again at the same time. but it is going to drive me nuts and when he doesnt call me i am going to be so disappointed. i am going to be so hurt because he doesnt want to see me and see how i am doing. i was thinking of calling him back after midterms and see how they went and how everything was going but i knew he would just complain and then not even ask how everything was going with me so i was like why bother. i know he is selfish, i know he doesnt care about anyone but himself cuz he's an immature spoiled brat. but i want him to care about me. i am just a stupid female. at least when it comes to this crap. i still cannot believe we are not together any more. even after 2 months and all the dates and other guys i still want him. is this normal. god i hate him. i just want to not feel so hurt. so betrayed. so left out in the cold. so anyway. i cant wait to be over his sorry ass. lol. i need to take a nap and clean and do laundry

guess who found her keys today!!! thats right, right after i got a new set made and after having lost them for what was it 5 days i found them in the pocket of my grey hoodie that i wore to do laundry that i already checked 3 times!!!!!! but that is the sad and ironic plot of my life. so anyway on to happy thoughts. went shopping today. got the cutest freakin outfit i have ever seen in my life. i might take a pic and put it on my webpage because it is that damn cute!!!!! i also dyed my hair yesterday. just a 24 shampoo sort of thing cuz i wanted something cute for when i go home. it's very cute. if i do say so myself. cinnaberry. so anyway.back to my cute outfit. damn it's cute. i want to wear it everyday for the rest of my life. but i also got 4 pairs of awesome shoes and 3 pairs of socks for under 50 dollars. that is so cool. i got this cute little red pair for 5 bucks. and a pair of sexy brown boots. not as sexy as the cranberry boots but a still good. some funky green shoes and a pair of basic black highheels. not as sexy as i wanted them to be but i did need another pair of black shoes. (ohmigod that is too funny) so anyway. i am just buzzing from shopping. i love it!!! last night me and kenny went to the casino in indiana. it was awesome. except i jinxed the craps table. lol. i was asking a question and i said seven. oops. i felt really bad cuz as i said it the guy actually rolled a seven. i won 5 bucks though and they gave me 5 cuz it was my first time but i lost it all but it was worth it cuz it wasnt my money but craps looked really fun i want to go back and play after i have a job and have a little money to spend. but anyway. i need to get ready for class.

well i got a new set of keys because i just got too curious about what was in my mailbox. lol. ya know what though it's 5 bucks per key right. well theres 3 keys so i ended up paying not 15 but 20 dollars. now does that make sense to anyone? no? didnt think so. the bastards. well anyway next week is the last week. and i am going to fail. so i am going over to the community college and then i am going to get my grades back up. save some money and try it all again. no use waisting my money. right. so anyway. plus i will be able to take an art class or 2. well i figured out why the pants are a size 8 cuz they go up to my waist which if they were jeans i wouldnt be able to stand it but since they are dress pants it's not too bad and pretty soon they arent going to be tight at all. yippie!!!! still need to exercise tonight. and clean. right now i am not getting any of that done. i also need to call cheryl and marisa. i think i will do that now.

still no keys. but i might know where they are. went to old navy today. thought i would pick something up for kenny's piano recital on sunday. grabbed a pair of pants, size 8, they fit. how bout that. i am pretty damn impressed with myself. it was a tight fit but it still fit. it was only tight around my stomach though. so no problem there. that will be gone in a little bit. i am pretty proud though. just thinking about calling kyle and telling him. rub it in a little bit. lol. noooo. that would be bad but anyway. dont think i am doing that great in school. have a lot of decisions about that to make. i will write more later

well 2 days later and still no keys. hmmm. what could have happened to them!!!! damn the luck cuz i cant get in my mailbox either. i think i am actually stressing about school. it's a little late now. someone found my upass though. i have been working out for a full week. well tomorrow is my rest day. i still need to work out today. but i woke up with my sinuses acting all stupid so i have yet to do that. all though now i feel better. just exhausted. i dont know why i am so tired all the time. maybe when i get insurance i will ask the dr. cuz i have always been like this. it goes in cycles. ya know what i bet it's just stress. so maybe if i do a little yoga. well you would think since i have been working out it would relieve some stress. but then again if you have persistent angxiety that might not work that well. or as well as it should. ya know what is crazy though about working out. i know i dont look any different but i feel like i do. hmmm. i cant wait to see cheryl again. i am down another size since they saw me last. but they never say anything. hmm. well i havent seen my aunt in a long time so maybe she will say something. i dont even remember if i saw her on my birthday. so i might be down 2 sizes since i have seen her. but then again i dont dress the same down there as i do up here. up here i dress nice down there it's tshirts and jeans. i just cant wait cuz i hope i am down another size by then. that would be so cool. but would that be an 8 or 9 probably a 9 but that will be awesome. except i dont have any money for new clothes however. i do have a plan. for christmas i am just going to ask for gift cards for old navy. and then take the 20 bucks grandma emma gives me and then the gift cards and then i will buy a few new things. maybe a pair of pants and a couple of shirts. just hit the sales rack. oh baby!!! go nuts. that will be great because i need to get some black pants for working at dave and busters anyway. i hope i am good at that job. i am only going to go to school 12 hrs next semester. and work but i am hungry and i need to call grandma so i will type more later.

i lost my keys!!!!! i always lose my keys but this time i cannot find them at all. that is crazy!!. i hatae it when i do that. getting close to christmas. i cant wait til i get to go home and see everyone.but i am not looking forward to christmas. it will just be another day for me. kenny asked how much money i get from my grandma for christmas. when i said none his jaw about hit the floor. i was just like we dont do that in my family. my dad's mom gives us each 20 bucks cuz she doesnt buy us anything but my other grandma just buys us each a couple presents and that's it. he said his ex gets 2 grand. he gets like 300. i am kinda jealous. not mad but just kinda sad. cuz christmas was awesome when my mom was alive. and it wasnt too bad when i was with kyle cuz we always spoiled each other. but i dont have anyone this yr. my grandma is the only one i get anything from. it will just be one day this yr too. when i was with kyle it was christmas eve and christmas. so it will be alittle sad this yr. but at least i am going home. it's just i realized how sad its going to be without him. i cant even afford to buy anyone presents. i miss my mom alot too. i just wish i was able to buy presents for everyone. cuz that is always the best part. buying them and wrapping them and putting them under the tree. and knowing what it is when someone is opening it. i dont know i just dont have that here. yet. next yr i might. at least i will be able to buy everyone presents and spend my time shopping and wrapping them. that will be awesome. i wont be able to walk around my apartment. lol. i am so tired. but anyway. i worked out again today. and ate portillos. lol. actually i have been eating way more than normal lately. that is not good. i am not going to lose any inches if i keep that up. almost done with week one. 2 more days to go. i am going to go to bed now.

i am so sore. i did too many push ups yesterday. but i can feel my abs when i flex them. the definition. i just cant wait to see them. it sucks though because it seems like i am eating all the time. but at least it is not fast food. and later i am making my grilled chicken and i might make my chili too and brownies and maybe some speghetti. see food is now all i think about. but at least with all this stuff is that it will all keep for a few days so i have a few days worth of food that i only have to make once. just got off the phone with marisa. she is crazy in love. but so cute. i need to get going on all my stuff that i have to do today. laundry, dishes, cooking, organizing the kitchen, homework. then working out, then tango. man i better get going.

alright me and kenny talked and he says he is not getting too attached. i want to believe him. but i am worried that when he finds someone else he wont want to come to see me since he lives out in the suburbs. but i guess that is the risk i am taking. and he has been meeting other girls too so i dont feel so bad. but he is talking about sleeping with other people too. i do have a problem with that which is silly. but i dont know. i guess it isnt a big deal. but now i figure since he isnt getting too attached that probably means i will. lol. terrific. i exercised today and yesterday. i am so proud of myself. i feel really good right now. although i did eat at portillo's last night. actually i ate alot yesterday. and then went to portillos but i only ate half of my burger but i ate all my fries. well anyway so that wasnt good. but at least i am getting back with exercise and i have groceries so i dont need to eat out when i am buy myself. i can not wait til my abs are smaller. that is going to be awesome. i have always had a little tummy. but i am so motivated right now (we will see how much i am in about a week lol) but it's weird normally i am more motivated before i start workin out not after. but i made myself this morning and i am glad i did cuz in no time i am going to be looking sexy. i think i will be able to get down another size by the time i go home. if i quit going to portillo's. lol. i keep telling kenny we have to stop going there and he just says that he is trying to make me fat. that's not cool at all. lol. so i will just not go with him anymore. just eat here. dang i feel good. lol. even though i think i might be getting a sinus infection. that will suck ass. i cant wait til i am in shape. i think i am really happy cuz i can tell how much i have improved when i work out. i was so surprised yesterday cuz these tapes used to kick my ass and i would sweat buckets and all that but yesterday i barely broke out into a sweat. so next time i will need to step it up. but how awesome is that. from barely being able to make it up a flight of stairs to running up 5! and to almost be a size 9! Single digits baby!! not that it matters cuz i do like the way i look now and i even like my tummy. but i would like to have a nice flat tummy before i have kids. ya know enjoy my nice young body for a few years so when i am 80 i dont have to say man i couldve looked damn sexy when i was in my twenties but i was too damn lazy. lol that wouldnt be cool. but yeah. i can't wait. i like my hips too. if i didnt have any my ass wouldnt sway when i walked. lol. but what else is great is that i dont have to wrestle with my sports bra to get it on anymore. lol. well anyway i know there is more iwant to write but i have to go to school :-( lol

marisa thinks that i am leading kenny on. she might be right. but not on purpose. so i am going to have to stop that. i cant wait to start working so i can have some money. but i have been saying that for awhile now. i dont see why victoria secret didnt call me back yet. cuz i had the perfect schedule for them. i dont know. it doesnt matter as long as i get that job at dave and busters after christmas. well anyway. i dont have too much to type. well my grandma is ok. she had her surgery and they moved stuff around and took a few things out. and all that. i think i need to exercise. seriously. i need to work on my abs. but i have 3 weeks until i go home and i need to look good by then. well i look good now but i need to look damn sexy. right now though i am a size 10. i think if i start today i could be a nine by then. that would be cool. or an eight. woohoo. but a nine will be fine. i just want to have my hips and abs a little smaller. kenny is iming me. he wants me to cook for him. and he is pretty demanding. i went grocery shopping this morning and he expects me to go back to get stuff for supper. lol. i dont have any money even if i wasnt too lazy to do that. sp any way. i am getting sleepy. maybe i will take a nap and then get up and exercise.

alright well i am not seeing aaron anymore. told him yesterday. now i feel bad. but he was really clingy. and i knew he would want me to stop seeing everyone else and i didnt want to be in a serious relationship. but i do feel bad. i liked him. he's a really good person. well allen is probably out too. he wants to have a threesome. seriously. on thursday. so that sucks. i thought about it. the other girl is really nice. but i dont know. wow i just remembered a crazy dream i had about kevin and this other girl from my drafting class. weird. so anyway i am down to kenny and John. which is just fine with me. well i am still going to hang out with amit. and maybe sam. but i dont know just as friends. marisa thinks that me and kenny will be together through default. but i dont want to go out with someone just through default and i wouldnt want anyone to be with me just through that either. it's not worth it. life is too short. i would do better on my own. but i really like kenny as a friend. well him and marisa are my best friends so it's more than just a friend but he deserves someone who wants to be with him forever. i dont know. and John, well he is cute and we obviously talk for hours. and we have a lot in common. although i am still worried about something. but that is what dating is all about. and then when i get back from christmas i will have a job and wont have time for dating. oh and keith. a new guy i am talking to on the internet. we have a business design that we are working on. but shh it is top secret. but i like john alot. we could be really good friends too and maybe something more. oh and i took my profile down off of the personals. so i am done with that. hopefully when i start working i will meet new friends. that would be great.cuz that's what i need. although i like going out with kenny and spending time with him i just cannot have a boyfriend right now. i wanted one with michael but i dont know. i just want to be able to say yes if a cute guy ever asks me out. but i dont know what i am going to do about john. but that is down the road yet. i dont even know how serious he is. well i have to get ready for school.