well last night i stayed over at John's. we watched a couple of movies and then passed out. he's so cute. it's weird cuz he seemed alittle standoffish this week and he said he was sick so he didnt want to kiss me. so i dont know. but then again he did call me and say he wanted to do something so if he wasnt interested then why would he call me? oh well not going to worry about. his uncle's apartment is really nice. i am pretty tired though. i need to clean soooo bad. i hate cleaning. but kenny is coming over tonight and i feel bad if my place is messy and someone comes over. i do not want to go home. i know i will just be constantly reminded of the moron. i hate this. i want to see him but at the same time i dont want him to come anywhere near me. i guess i need to talk to dr abramason. see what the hell this is all about and when it will stop. but i will have some fun too. i will get to see my niece and hang out with her and cheryl and my aunt. and get to see my other grandparents and tom and michelle. and all that so that will be good. keep me busy for awhile. i just dont want to deal with it. my ex that is. and the whole situation. i just know i my nerves are going to be shot to hell. i am already feeling nauseaus just thinking about it. but i know as soon as i get off the train i am going to be wondering if he is going to call (and half hoping he does) ok more than half. like i said i want to see him so bad but i dont want to see him ever again at the same time. but it is going to drive me nuts and when he doesnt call me i am going to be so disappointed. i am going to be so hurt because he doesnt want to see me and see how i am doing. i was thinking of calling him back after midterms and see how they went and how everything was going but i knew he would just complain and then not even ask how everything was going with me so i was like why bother. i know he is selfish, i know he doesnt care about anyone but himself cuz he's an immature spoiled brat. but i want him to care about me. i am just a stupid female. at least when it comes to this crap. i still cannot believe we are not together any more. even after 2 months and all the dates and other guys i still want him. is this normal. god i hate him. i just want to not feel so hurt. so betrayed. so left out in the cold. so anyway. i cant wait to be over his sorry ass. lol. i need to take a nap and clean and do laundry