i think kenny might be gay.... he wants to ride bitch on keith's bike and earlier he made a joke about kissing keith. he has a weird fixation with keith. especially considering the fact that he wanted to name his dick keith. not to mention i know he did something else but i cant remember what it is right now. it was before he said that about his dick though. that is just weird. maybe it's cuz i always stuck up for keith and he never understood how i could just be friends with keith and how keith would want to pay for me when he wasnt going to get any and all that. i dont know he is messed up.

spent the afternoon on keith's harley. and we went to look at some rollerblades. i got a pair so i went and rollerbladed for awhile. the are a really good pair so it's easy to get going fast so going down hill sucks ass. but going up hill is nice cuz it works the inner thighs and hips but it doesnt kill me tring to get to the top.

keith wrote me an email and when i read it this morning and i guess i took it the wrong way. and i got really upset cuz i thought that it was saying that he didnt want to be my boyfriend or whatever and i guess it was but i thought it meant that he didnt like me as much as i like him. that really upset me cuz i thought i was being stupid feeling the way i did and thinking that ya know that i loved him and that we could have something really special and that i was being stupid because the other day i was thinking of ways i could make him feel special and that i think he is special and appreciated and someone that i want in my life and i just felt like a stupid chic. ya know the ones guys always make fun of cuz they want something serious and the guy doesnt and they try pressuring them into it and all that i felt so dumb. and that i was just so way off. and it's like how the hell am i even going to make it through life and all that and future relationships if i keep reading guys sooo wrong. well after talking to him and rereading the email just now i realized it wasnt saying that. and i would explain what he was saying but it is so complicatd that i just cant type all that right now. but anyway. also i mean when i thought that that was how it was i was pissy all day. not on purpose but because i was feeling so stupid and like i just didnt want him to touch me or talk to me or anything cuz it's like it all kinda hurt and just made me feel stupid. i just wanted to go home and crawl under the covers. i feel better now but i dont know how much. i mean i do feel better and i understand where he is coming from but well maybe it is just left over from feeling like that for most of the day. but it's like i wasnt expecting this stuff. ya know. i was in the mind set that i wasnt going to fall in love or find the man of my dreams (who knows if he is either one but the fact that he makes my heart jump is a pretty strong arguement, especially considering i would never have thought in a million yrs that that would actually happen) this young. ya know all these women who are in their 30's or 40's or even 50's and havent found that yet. well i thought i would be like that. i mean i just wanted to have fun and not worry about a relationship or any of that. and i thought that i would be single and all that but he makes me want to treat him like he is the one and only man on earth and that as corny as it sounds a king or whatever. and i never even wanted to do that for my ex. i mean i thought about it but it was more of wanting to do that for someone and since he was the only one that i had been with and planned on being with it made sense that it was him but i never did stuff like that. i was lazy cuz i felt that he wouldnt do the same for me. so any way enough about this i gotta go

i didnt even say anything about my shopping adventure yesterday cuz i was in such a bummed out mood. well it was actually fun. we went to this great place in tinley park for breakfast that i loved going to when me and kenny were dating. it's called lumes. awesome. had a great breakfast. then we went to indiana. and we went shopping. we were all really shopping for kenny cuz mark didnt like my suggestions. which i dont blame him cuz the stuff there for guys wasnt really my taste either. so me and mark sat there and made fun of kenny all day. good times. we just teased him. but both of us can stump him so he doesnt have anything for a comeback so we were doing that quite alot. but sometimes he just made it too easy. the only bad part of the day was when we stopped for lunch at this local place. it was a good place to eat. called galvenstons or something like that buy the lighthouse outlets. they were playing soccer on the tv. that was cool. but mark brought up keith. he was like so what's the deal with keith? and i was like what do you mean we are friends. like me and kenny are friends. and he asked why i had such a guarded look on my face. and i was just on edge from always having to talk about if me and keith are just friends with kenny and trying to justify how a 31 yr old could be friends with a 21 yr old when mark is older than that i think. i prefer hanging out with people who are older than me to people my own age. i like hanging out with my aunt and she is in her 50's i like hanging out with my grandma emma and grandpa and they are in their 70's i mean no one know's why me and keith are so close. and it's no one's business. i told kenny that keith would do anything for me because i was there when he needed someone. why is that so hard to understand. is it because he has never needed someone like that. or never been there for someone like that? so anyway i also had to hear about how i was so depressed. which very well could be. i think once i get my last dr paid off i am going to find one up here. just to go over everything. but anyway. time to get some breakfast

wait i just thought of something, maybe i will buy a convertable or crotch rocket and a laptop and tour the south and be the traveling blogger. just stay where it is warm. along the coast and just move around. i mean it's not like there is really anything here that is holding me. i love chicago but i can always come back. might as well get some adventure in now. but then again it's wouldnt be as fun by myself. i wonder if i can find anyone as lazy and unmotivated as myself to travel with. but then again i have my own income even if i dont work. what would they do. well why not go buy myself. why not go and not look back and just cruise along until my heart is content. maybe i should take this money that i am getting and go on vacation. someplace tropical and beautiful. some place so serene that it feels like everything is in slowmotion.

i was going through the pics on my digital camera and i came across one of kyle. now the reason i didnt erase this one earlier is because it would be gone forever if i did. well it's gone now. i feel like shit though. not because i deleted it. but because i still dont know how someone can care for someone for 6 yrs and then ignore them when they try to talk to them. i mean what kind of person does that. what if i really needed someone at that moment. and he wasnt there. i mean how can you just not reply to an email. wasnt he curious to know how i was doing. how could he not care how i was doing. sometimes i do wonder what makes me unloveable. ya know. if i knew i could fix it. or at least decide if i wanted to fix it or if it was their problem. how is it that he can just put me off to the side. how is it that he doesnt think about me or wonder how i am doing. maybe it's a guy thing. i know it is probably for the best. i mean i dont want to hear about britney. but i want to know how he cant love me any more. i never did anything to him. i mean even as just a friend how can he not love me. how is it that i am so replaceable. so forgettable. so easily put aside. what is it about me that let's people not care. that makes it ok for them to get rid of me. i feel like it's me against the world. it probably has alot to do with the fact that it is hard for me to let people in but they always leave. i mean how am i supposed to bare my soul and my feelings and thoughts to someone i know isnt paying attention. who doesnt really care what i say. who is just going to forget the words that are coming out of my mouth before they have even reached my tongue. to someone who is only pretending to listen. my dr. doesnt even listen and i pay him to listen. he thinks he has done his job because i am out of that relationship but what about the other areas of my life. what about my mom. we barely ever talked about her. what about my ennui with life. i want to enjoy life. i hate the thought of work. i am a spoiled brat i admit but the thought of wasting my life day after day in some stupid job that doesnt mean shit just to get some money that doesnt mean shit. for what. when i have money. i want to see the world. i want to do things that are once in a life time experiences. i want more out of life than to just sit behind some desk or wait tables. it's fine for some people and i know that is probably what i will end up doing but it's just sad. there's so much beauty out there and i feel like i will never get to see it. maybe it is from my mom and dad both dying young but i feel like i wont get to live. like i am not living now and that it will be too late. who knows maybe i will live to be a hundred. i know i need to work to get money for all the things i want to do. but like i said i dont want to do some meaningless job. i want the best out of life. and not material things either. i want adventures. see i wouldnt mind working my way around the world. just taking off and going to a place and working there long enough to move to the next place. or back packing somewhere. i dont know maybe i was a nomad in another life. a gypsy. i love chicago. that's in my heart. but it seems that so much of my life has been hard or depressing or tiring. i feel about 100 sometimes. most of the time. all i want to do is have fun. do things that take my breath away and make my eyes big, make me realize that there is so much out there and that it's not all bad and that beautiful things last too. and realize that i am just a small part of what is out there. i feel tired. i need something to make me feel alive. alright well i am done feeling sorry for myself i think i am going to climb into bed and read.

today i am going to go shopping with kenny. we are going all the way to indiana. that kinda sucks but oh well that's where he wants to go. plus maybe at a later date i can talk him into taking me back there. (we are going for the outlets.) plus he is buying breakfast in exchange for me helping. his cousin is coming along too. i like his cousin but it does get tiresome listening to him go on and on all the time. but we are going to lumes for breakfast so i will put up with anything. all though his cousin isnt that bad. i would put up with alot worse. hopefully keith is going to come and pick me up later. he asked if i was going to behave today. at first i didnt get what he meant and then i realized that he was asking if i was going to fuck kenny or something along those lines. that is so ridiculous. he know's i am not going to do anything like that.

so i was just chatting with keith. such the hottie. i am a little reved up cuz i spent the afternoon flipping through my 52 invitations to grrrrreat sex book. very naughty ideas that one. i like it. there's also 101 grrrreat quickies and 101 nights of grrreat sex. i am sorely lacking on my reading. plus the author mentioned anne hooper's kama sutra and i know i have seen that before but i dont have it so i am going to have to pick that one up. plus i am sure there are a few others that are good too. and i need some more erotica books. but then again who doesnt. i still need to finish watching 9 and a half weeks. i need some sexy movies too. and some sexy cd's to listen too. i usually listen to the chicago public radio at night cuz they play jazz. but it's not always sexy. hmmmm where to go to get sexy music. besides i dont want the guy or girl talking between songs anyway.

we had another discussion about our issues last night. ya know i used to tell kyle that i didnt want kids but that was to push him away. i dont know if that is what keith is doing but then again he does already have 2. why would he want more. i see his point of view and i guess i might think the same way especially since it will be 9 yrs down the road before i want one. i know i am going to want to move again and live some place warm all yr long. preferably
on the coast somewhere. but that might not be for awhile. i really like living here. i am happiest when i am here. i am more laid back. well anyway i have to get to reading my books so i can return them and i have to clean my apartment a bit.

kenny came over. he actually left at a reasonable time too. which was nice of him. i am so tired and it is only 8:30. we made plans to go shopping on wednesday morning. well i am going to help him shop. we had a good time. talked about stuff that only fellow nerds would enjoy. real estate, mutual funds, investing, money management. that type of thing. we walked around. went over to the magnificent mile and back. now i am waiting for my honey to call me back. i am a nerd. for fun today i was looking through my budget workbook and i was getting excited because i can make out a new budget soon. i need a life.

i am home again. for now. keith's ex is saying that she wants him to take the kids friday nights too instead of just everyother sat and sun it will be every other fri-sun plus he is there every thursday. not to mention every morning he is there by 6. he does so much for her and all she does is ask for more. she has it made (or dicked as keith likes to say). last night we came back here and just chilled. we walked to portillos and pigged out. it was really good. as always. he said he didnt remember agreeing to be my boyfriend. the ass. i am pretty sure he was just joking but still he knows i am not going to beg to be his girlfriend and it's like either you want to be or you dont why dont you just tell me one way or the other so i know. we had a good discussion about sex last night. but then again what discussion about sex isnt good. we talked about likes and all that. i need to get him to figure out more specifically what he likes. he says everything. well gimme specifics. i was surprised cuz i was actually able to be pretty specific. normally i would just give the anything answer too. but now i actually know what i like and what i dont like. that's pretty cool. i am proud of myself. so anyway. there's this stuff sitting out on the curb and it's just sitting there and i am so tempted to go and get a new chair and footstool. it is perfect for my taste and it's just sitting there. i am thinking maybe the landlord tossed someone's stuff out. and i saw some people going through it but still i dont know. i mean why would someone leave their stuff there. well anyway. i am going to fight that urge. cuz knowing my luck it's someone's stuff and they are just moving. but that was a nice chair. right now i am trying to figure out something to do on saturday either in chicago or milwaukee that is good for a 2 and 12 yr old. i got some books on investing money and money managment and all that so hopefully by the time i get my check i will know what i want to put it in. like what kind of account at least. i wish keith would want to move to chicago. cuz i know i dont want to move up there. there is nothing wrong with it but i just love living here too much. even though i dont do anything. but i have wanted to live here since i was in 4th grade. and i just got here. i cant move yet. i havent even begun to experience the city. but i do miss him alot. there are quite a few roadblocks to this relationship. most of them are down the road but we dont want to waist each other's time either. i mean there's the issue of were we would live, if he would want to have any more kids, and i am sure there are more that we havent even thought about. even if we are not supposed to be together forever i know we are supposed to be together right now. it's like every time i think of him my heart tightens up a little bit. i have never experienced that before. i know i am only 21 and havent experienced much at all. but i had no idea that you could physically feel love for someone (no i am not talking about sex here) i mean i know when my mom died it felt like my heart shattered. i could feel it breaking. there was a real pain. but it didnt even occur to me that you could feel love the same way. maybe it's just the great sex. no it's more than that. i mean i love who he is. i love that he is so tough on the outside but he's the absolute biggest sweetheart you could imagine. i mean with him there arent any buts ya know. i love him but. it's just i love him. like with kyle it was i love him, but he is so immature, selfish, a liar, etc. with michael well i thought i was in love but i think it was just the rush of meeting someone who seemed so great and they liked me too and that there are going to be people out there who i am compatible with. i dont need to be alone or whatever. i didnt even know him. ya know. who knows maybe in a few months i will be eating these words but right now it is what i feel. oh yeah we got invited to a party at kenny's house. what's with that.

wow i figured out how to do the comments all by myself! not. it was all from haloscan and i still messed it up so i had to go back and i figured out what i did wrong through FAQ. wow i am pretty proud of myself. i also got the link to go to haloscan from http://artwrk.blogspot.com/om. now i just have to go home and get my book so i can change my template. i went to the library last night. going again tonight i think so keith can get a library card that i can use. and then i am going to get a ton of books. i am thinking of asking if my little brother wants to come and move up to chicago. it would suck though cuz then there would be no sex for me. or at least very rare. since i only have a studio. but i think that it shouldnt take too long to get another place. ha. yeah right. well kenny is talking to me like nothing happened but i really dont feel like talking to him. i have nothing really to say to him right now.

spent the last 2 hours at the bookstore. aaahhhh i am so relaxed. looked through a ton of investment books. although i was disappointed by the lack of sex and erotica books. there were 3 erotica books (literally) and there were like 8 sex books and most of them were about relationships and not technique. but oh well. what are you going to do. although the one erotica book i flipped through, the mammoth book of erotica, was very interesting. going to have to go and get that one at a later date. if i cheryl doesnt already have it. but i am going to go to the library in chicago and see if i can check out some of these books. hmm i wonder if they have any erotica. well i have to pay my late fees first. that's going to be alot of money.

yesterday we were not really fighting but i was just kinda quite all day. and stuff and so was he. and then we just ran around and went to homedepot and stuff. and then watched tv. very chilled out and relaxed welll then we go to bed and we were kinda joking around and stuff but then it got serious and we were fighting again! it was minor compared to the night before, but still just as pointless so then all of a sudden we werent fighting any more and i dont know it was kinda weird but i was definitly glad that we ended up not fighting all night again. that was a relief.
oh and i got an im from aaron. (remember him) he now lives in georgia and is going out with his highschool sweetheart and is a cop. now this is the guy who got arrested all the time. mostly stupid stuff. like not keeping his mouth shut. it was weird cuz ya know he would be like that but he was always really sweet with me. but he is doing good. he sold the corvette he named after me. (after one date) so anyway i was glad to hear he is doing good. he's a sweetheart. clingy and a bit crazy. but a sweetheart. lol.
i cant believe how much it is snowing out here. i want to go to tahiti!!!!

alright well now i am just in a blah mood. i realized that yet again for the 3rd week this month i am ragging. that pisses me off. i just finished a two week stint saturday and here we are wednesday. this is retarded. so anyway enough about that. i was starting to get excited about the damn idea again. so i am trying to stop that cuz i know something is going to be off about it and then i am going to be disappointed. but i am thinking if i can get my little brother to move up here with me. i am getting impatient about it. and i just thought of it yesterday and i have to sit on it at least until next month. and i still have research to do on it and i have a book at home that i can use to read up on some of it. and i want to contact the people and get it into motion and all that. or at least find out if it is doable so if it's not i can get other stuff going

i came online with the purpose of bitching about keith on here. but then i got an email from kenny and now i am just tired. ok so yesterday, i was in such a good mood. i was so happy, i couldnt wait for keith to get home, i was in the shower and i thought of this excellent idea that i couldnt wait to share. i mean i figured there was something bogus about it. ya know like it probably wouldnt work but i was really looking forward to telling keith about it and finding out what was wrong with it with him or whatever. well he called and said that he was going to be a little late. so i thought that maybe half an hour so i was a little disappointed but still excited. well an hour and a half later he comes home and says like 2 words to me and then goes and does things that he needs to do. well obviously he wasnt having a good day. so i was going to wait til whatever he was done with what he had to do. well then him and matt went to home depot. and left me here again. so i was just like ok whatever. not really in a good mood any more. but he has to do what he needs to do. so then we go to this bar to eat and him and matt are talking about which girls are hot (but he cant say i am hot) and "the good old days" well i didnt really have much to add to that so i was watching the games they had on tv. well then aparently keith thinks i am ignoring him and laughing more at matt. (this from the guy who left me sitting there while he went to buy my friend a drink. but it's all good she was having a kinda crappy night) so anyway we get home and he is sitting there saying your snappy why are you so snappy. when i wasnt. like they would say stuff jokingly to me so then i would say something back but i was being snappy. if i was really snappy i wouldnt have laughed when they said i was being snappy i would have gotten even madder probably. cuz they said it every time i said something. so anyway. and then keith was like are you staying up (i assumed that he meant he was going to bed my bad.) and i was like no. so then he sits on the love seat and starts watching tv so i was like well i am going to bed and he doesnt say anything just stares at the tv. so i was like what. and he was like what what and i was like well i am going to bed. so i went to bed. and then because i was under the covers and up against the wall (my side of the bed) i was mad. and then it just exploded from there. dont ask me how. still dont know. i wasnt mad i wasnt in a great mood but whatever. i wasnt pissed at him. so then of course it was all my fault. because i was mad and wouldnt tell him why. hell i just wanted to get some. so anyway. then we are mad at eachother and he's like i am sick of fighting acting like i like it. and he's like great so now i am going to have a headache and a bad day tomorrow. blaming it all on me. and then he's like are you going to be stubborn about this. and it's like i wasnt even mad. and then he said something and i was like i'm not even mad any more (cuz by this time i had said what i was mad about and got if off my chest or whatever) so he just lays there and i am like are you mad and he's like well i am not happy. and i'm like well what do you want to say and i dont remember what really happened after that. but sometime during this we werent mad any more or what ever and i was laying up against him and he shifted so his shoulder was like laying on my face and his arm was on me and i thought he had started to turn over or what ever and since i didnt want his shoulder in my face i rolled over. well he was like why did you roll over and i just said you rolled over first well that started it again cuz he thought i was saying it like you started it. when i was just saying you rolled over so i didnt think it would be that big of a deal if i rolled over to get your shoulder out of my face. so later on he was like well you played the you rolled over first. so i was like i didnt want your shoulder in my face! well i guess i yelled it so he got pissed that i yelled at him and then he went to sleep. so now i am sure he is having a bad day and blaming it on me. this morning he was like is this how you are going to be all day. and it's like what asleep. i didnt say that. but it's like I am not even mad!!! but it's all my fault. i am the one who is going to decide to fight all day but i dont have a problem. and it's all my fault because even though i am not mad i am being stubborn about it all. well ya know what that to me is condesending i mean come on saying it is all up to me if i would just quit being stubborn. if i would stop starting fights for no reason, if i would stop acting a certain way it would all be good. it's all my problem. and he was saying last night that it seems i dont like anything about him! i love everything about him. but he is the one telling me i shouldnt be so stubborn and i shouldnt act this way and i shouldnt act that way. and it's like him and matt are always like she's nice and stupid (about certain girls) that makes her even hotter. and last night at the bar they were making fun of a guy cuz his wife "held the purse strings" and keith was like that aint how it is in my house. and it's like if i want to buy something i am going to buy it. like if it was a big purchase or whatever yeah i would talk it over but i would expect the same consideration. but if he really wanted something i wouldnt say no. ya know i wouldnt do something just to prove that i am in charge. now i am starting to feel like the damn dog. we basically have the same fucking life. he sits around and waits for matt to get home. i sit around and wait for keith to get home. matt feeds the dog keith feeds me. the dog waits for attention from matt and i wait for attention from keith. oh and i was trying to tell keith that i didnt think about matt like that and he was like well i wish that would make me feel better but i think your answer was just too deep. because i said that our personalities wouldnt mix or whatever. and i mean it's like ok i dont think matt is ugly or unattractive. and he's funny and really cool to hang out with but first of all i wasnt even interested like i wouldnt even have thought about it but keith made a big deal about how matt is always getting hit on at the bars and he doesnt. and then we were sitting here one day and he said something and i was like ohmigod i cant believe he said that. it was about his girlfriend or something and i just remember thinking that i wouldnt be able to put up with something like that. that is how i know our personalities dont match not cuz i sat here and thought about it all day. i think alot of our fights start from his insecurity. he is scared that i am going to be mad and not tell him. or that i am going to fuck kenny or think about being with matt or whatever. and then last night he was saying how normally he just runs around like he was last night and he wont have any time for me. and it's like well ya know i wouldnt mind going with you. (i didnt say that) but it's like. i dont want to be last on someones list. maybe if i had something to do then it wouldnt be so bad. but like yesterday i waited all day to see him and then it's like when we did spend time together he was in a pissy mood or we were fighting. i just need something to do. i dont want to spend all my time waiting for someone to get home. i am not saying that i dont love him or whatever i mean yesterday i was like wow we decided to officially be boyfriend and girlfriend and we havent had a fight the whole time i was here this time and i am still feeling so much for him even after we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend ya know it didnt go away. i am just frustrated because we cant get past these stupid fights. and do feel like a fucking dog. i feel if i have an idea or something to say it's not going i have to get passed the well she's a chic. i mean they act like they hate women sometimes. like if i say or do something, it's a chic thing. or i am moody. or something stupid like that. like i cant be stubborn or have pride cuz i am a chic. this is the down side to liking guys who are "manly" your not as good cuz your a chic.

that last blog is kinda hard to read but it is a conversation between me and kenny and then keith and kenny and then back to me and kenny for a sec. but anyway i never said that i still wanted to sleep with kenny. and he was just complaining how he couldnt believe that i didnt want to have sex with him. i wrote him a pretty bitchy email earlier. maybe i will put it on here. i dont know. he is just an ass. keith was pissed. but ya know what. i am kinda relieved that i dont want to be friends with kenny any more. ya know. less stressful. i wanted to be able to stay friends with him so bad. but ya know what it is easier this way. keith isnt going to get jealous. i dont have to worry kenny is going to find out about keith and get his feelings hurt. i dont have to put up with kenny's shit. i mean why would i say i wanted to sleep with kenny when i am having amazing sex with keith? you tell me cuz i dont know. i mean yeah i enjoyed sex with kenny it was ok. at the beginning and stuff but then he just started acting like it was a chore. he never respected me. if i said it hurt he would whine and then ask me if i wanted to have sex again. (like 2 seconds after we quit) and he would do the jack rabbit sex too. (if ya saw charlottes second wedding on sex and the city ya know what i am talking about) he said his ex loved it that way. and it's like well i dont and i said i dont so knock it off. ya know with my ex and with kenny and everyone else that i slept with i would be satisfied when i was done. and then not need it again for a long period of time. well at least a week. but with keith, i am even more satisfied yet i cant wait to do it again. it's like the ultimate tease. and i love being teased. i could have sex with him morning noon and night. really any time he wants to have sex i am up for it. he is just so sexy. i dont know what it is about him but i think he is irrestible. actually i think i do know what it is. i have always wanted to be with someone who is a man's man. very manly. and yet still loving and with a big heart. and that is what he is. and it is fucking hot. i mean dont get me wrong i love guys in suits they are sexy and nice to look at but keith in his uniform or in jeans, a sweatshirt and a little scruffy i am just like go chop me some fire wood. lol. sorry i know that wont make sense to you exactly but i have always wanted a rugged type of guy. someone who can go out and chop some firewood or other manual labor and be all manly and sexy. and when he is on his bike. that's hot. damn. yeah i would definitly pick a rugged guy over a guy in a suit any day. cuz you can put a rugged guy in a suit once in awhile but it's a hell of alot harder to get a guy in a suit to get his hands dirty. alright well i need to change the subject. lol. damn it's at least 4 hours til he comes home. if he even comes home for lunch. oh yeah what's with guys thinking it's embarassing if once in awhile they get off before the chic. ok i can see how if it happened every single time or a few times a month or what ever. but i mean but seriously it has to happen once in awhile. plus i make sure i get mine. if ya know what i mean. it's like i am not going to put it all on him to make sure i get off. and usually i am very good at making sure i do. i mean it is not hard. and if i dont (which is pretty rare) it's because i am distracted. usually by a sharp object poking me somewhere (and no not the good kind) i mean like the corner of a cabinet or my head hitting the wall or occasionally just stress (although that can be taken care of with a little extra foreplay...bills what bills?) but seriously. it is less effort on my part to make sure i am all good than to fake or go through all the stuff afterwards if i dont. i mean i am not saying dont help out but if i dont get off there's always next time. and like i said earlier i like to be teased. although i would feel bad if the guy didnt get off. but guys are alot easier to please than women. by far. ok just wanted to get that off my chest. the only time that the guy cumming first stops me from having one is if he has to pull out. and then it's his fault cuz he didnt want to wear a condom. that's just rude. alright well i am done for now i guess. this is pretty long

well kenny really does = crazy

well don't all of a sudden bomb me with this shit
waterskius (7:04:40 PM): and expect me to not react
waterskius (7:04:47 PM): like if I knew you were that prude
waterskius (7:04:50 PM): I wouldn't have asked
waterskius (7:04:52 PM): jeez
waterskius (7:05:12 PM): the issue I had
elisha201 (7:05:13 PM): shut up
waterskius (7:05:20 PM): is that you don't fucking wanna hangout with me
waterskius (7:05:25 PM): that's all
waterskius (7:05:32 PM): you know what
waterskius (7:05:38 PM): I really can't talk to you now
waterskius (7:05:40 PM): I have to study
waterskius (7:05:53 PM): maybe I'll catch you tomorrow on this thing
elisha201 (7:05:55 PM): whatever
elisha201 (7:06:01 PM): i want to hang out with you
elisha201 (7:06:08 PM): i was just bringing up the tension stuff
elisha201 (7:06:21 PM): because i want to fix it so it is easier when we do hang out
waterskius (7:06:43 PM): as long as it's easy for you
waterskius (7:06:48 PM): that's all that matters
waterskius (7:06:56 PM): I'm starting to get the drift here Elisha
waterskius (7:07:05 PM): I'm on this planet to make you happy
elisha201 (7:07:07 PM): whatever
waterskius (7:07:10 PM): I don't like that game
elisha201 (7:07:12 PM): hey
waterskius (7:07:13 PM): at all
elisha201 (7:07:21 PM): thats not it and you know it
elisha201 (7:07:27 PM): why do you get like this
waterskius (7:07:29 PM): what makes you think that I'm going to just fucking be around
elisha201 (7:07:33 PM): whatever
waterskius (7:07:34 PM): whenever it's convenient for you
elisha201 (7:07:38 PM): that is not what i meant
elisha201 (7:07:44 PM): fine then dont fucking be around
elisha201 (7:07:48 PM): but thats not what i meant
waterskius (7:07:49 PM): I get like this cause you treat me like crap
waterskius (7:07:53 PM): make fun of my feelings
waterskius (7:07:55 PM): treat me like shit
waterskius (7:08:02 PM): hangout with me on a whim
waterskius (7:08:08 PM): and all the rest of it
elisha201 (7:08:11 PM): but how would you like it if you felt someone was always trying to set up situations where sex is likely to happen
elisha201 (7:08:20 PM): when you already made it clear you dont want sex
waterskius (7:08:29 PM): you never made that clear
elisha201 (7:08:30 PM): it makes me feel like you dont respect my decision
elisha201 (7:08:35 PM): oh reallly
elisha201 (7:08:44 PM): it wasnt clear when i said i dont want to have sex with you
waterskius (7:08:45 PM): you said that, "maybe next time or the time after I will want something."
waterskius (7:08:49 PM): remember that shit?
elisha201 (7:08:58 PM): when did i say next time
elisha201 (7:09:04 PM): i never said next time
elisha201 (7:09:08 PM): or time after that
elisha201 (7:09:15 PM): you are delusional
waterskius (7:09:25 PM): well you are lame if you can't remember
waterskius (7:09:30 PM): cause I don't make it up
waterskius (7:09:35 PM): as desperate as you think I am
elisha201 (7:09:48 PM): what ever
elisha201 (7:09:57 PM): then tell me when i said that
elisha201 (7:10:01 PM): cuz i dont remember
waterskius (7:10:09 PM): the first or second nigth we hung out
waterskius (7:10:12 PM): let me think...
elisha201 (7:10:15 PM): was i joking
waterskius (7:10:17 PM): when you drew that piano
elisha201 (7:10:20 PM): like yeah maybe next time
waterskius (7:10:28 PM): no
elisha201 (7:10:28 PM): i told you i didnt want to be bed buddies
waterskius (7:10:35 PM): no you didn't
waterskius (7:10:35 PM): ever
waterskius (7:10:41 PM): you always said in the future
elisha201 (7:10:42 PM): yes i did
elisha201 (7:10:47 PM): if you dont remember that then you are lame
elisha201 (7:10:55 PM): cuz i said i didnt want to be bed buddies
waterskius (7:11:00 PM): NO
waterskius (7:11:01 PM): you never did
waterskius (7:11:05 PM): that's why this is news to me
elisha201 (7:11:05 PM): YES i did
elisha201 (7:11:23 PM): yeah and since you say i didnt that is why you were hoping to take me to that hotel?
waterskius (7:11:39 PM): you know what?
waterskius (7:11:44 PM): I just don't care anymore
waterskius (7:11:47 PM): I have to go study
elisha201 (7:11:50 PM): did you ever care
waterskius (7:11:55 PM): maybe we can talk tomorrow
elisha201 (7:12:00 PM): and i am not doing something to make it easier just for me
waterskius (7:12:08 PM): you never cared
waterskius (7:12:10 PM): I loved you
waterskius (7:12:14 PM): and you were all about yourself
waterskius (7:12:15 PM): that sucks
elisha201 (7:12:17 PM): but if i feel that you are constantly trying to have sex with me then how can i trust you
waterskius (7:12:24 PM): and I'm not dealing with a serious relationship
elisha201 (7:12:25 PM): what ever
waterskius (7:12:28 PM): after that shit with you
waterskius (7:12:30 PM): holy shit
elisha201 (7:12:30 PM): i was never all about me
waterskius (7:12:34 PM): I can't believe it how you treated me
elisha201 (7:12:41 PM): whatever
elisha201 (7:12:48 PM): you are so fucking overdramatic
waterskius (7:13:00 PM): well you need some emotions
waterskius (7:13:05 PM): maybe it'll help your sex drive
elisha201 (7:13:06 PM): whatever
elisha201 (7:13:09 PM): yeah bring that back up
waterskius (7:13:12 PM): jk
elisha201 (7:13:15 PM): whatever
waterskius (7:13:15 PM): god
elisha201 (7:13:17 PM): you cant say that now
waterskius (7:13:40 PM): I was thinking today
waterskius (7:13:49 PM): that with futures
waterskius (7:13:53 PM): I feel like I could bet it all tomorrow
waterskius (7:14:04 PM): and my emotions are also telling me to take my gains and run
elisha201 (7:14:14 PM): well go with your gut
waterskius (7:14:20 PM): and none of my friends say I should talk to you
waterskius (7:14:23 PM): but my emotions say I should
waterskius (7:14:31 PM): but maybe I need to take my gains off the table
waterskius (7:14:40 PM): although emotions never work in the market
waterskius (7:14:45 PM): maybe they apply to relationships
waterskius (7:14:49 PM): cause you have no emtions for me
waterskius (7:14:57 PM): so then there is nothing logical
elisha201 (7:14:58 PM): whatever
waterskius (7:15:02 PM): that can be said to change that
elisha201 (7:15:16 PM): if i didnt have emotions for you then why would i put up ith the way you talk to me
elisha201 (7:15:19 PM): and get so mad
waterskius (7:15:30 PM): no, no, no
waterskius (7:15:38 PM): see you are always taking care of number one
waterskius (7:15:42 PM): and you want a friendship with me
waterskius (7:15:47 PM): cause of things I can buy you
waterskius (7:15:54 PM): or taking care of your computer
waterskius (7:15:57 PM): or other shit like that
elisha201 (7:16:03 PM): whoa wait a sec
waterskius (7:16:07 PM): or even the fact that I like you makes you feel special
elisha201 (7:16:11 PM): see i have a theory about that
waterskius (7:16:14 PM): so the fact taht you get mad
elisha201 (7:16:17 PM): that you wish i was all about your money
waterskius (7:16:23 PM): doesn't mean jack when I get feeling so shitty
waterskius (7:16:28 PM): I could jump out the window
elisha201 (7:16:34 PM): cuz you are so obsessed it probably pisses you off to no limit that i dont give a shit about your money
elisha201 (7:16:37 PM): and i dont want it
elisha201 (7:16:47 PM): and even with all the money you are making with your futures
waterskius (7:16:47 PM): ha
waterskius (7:16:53 PM): what are you doing to Keith?
elisha201 (7:16:54 PM): i still dont want to be in a relationship with you
waterskius (7:17:04 PM): you milk that guy dry
elisha201 (7:17:09 PM): you have no idea how me and keith are
waterskius (7:17:11 PM): just cause he's desperate for a friend
elisha201 (7:17:14 PM): what the hell does he by me
elisha201 (7:17:16 PM): buy
elisha201 (7:17:21 PM): and he has plenty of friends
waterskius (7:17:22 PM): he drives to pick you up
waterskius (7:17:28 PM): no he doesn't cause if he did
elisha201 (7:17:33 PM): wanna bet
waterskius (7:17:38 PM): there is no one I know that would bother picking a girl up like that
elisha201 (7:17:41 PM): maybe i will have him call you when he gets back
waterskius (7:17:52 PM): he got over a marriage how could he possibly have alot of friends and pussy whenever he wants?
elisha201 (7:18:03 PM): maybe cuz all the people you know are shallow fucks who dont care about anyone but themselves
waterskius (7:18:07 PM): you are dreaming girlfriend
elisha201 (7:18:16 PM): why do you think your best friend is going to fuck his girlfriends sister
waterskius (7:18:22 PM): you are unfortunately the shallowest of them all
elisha201 (7:18:29 PM): he's sweet
elisha201 (7:18:31 PM): and funny
waterskius (7:18:32 PM): it's sad
elisha201 (7:18:35 PM): and great to hang out with
elisha201 (7:18:43 PM): do you want to fucking ask him
waterskius (7:18:54 PM): why do I wanna ask him?
elisha201 (7:18:55 PM): he's not fucking shallow
waterskius (7:19:02 PM): I know he's not
waterskius (7:19:07 PM): I'm saying that you are using him
elisha201 (7:19:10 PM): no i am not
elisha201 (7:19:17 PM): you have no idea
waterskius (7:19:19 PM): and he has you because he can't get friends around there to hang out with
elisha201 (7:19:22 PM): i dont use people
waterskius (7:19:32 PM): you want a sugar daddy
elisha201 (7:19:33 PM): he has tons of friends to hang outwith
elisha201 (7:19:34 PM): you ass
elisha201 (7:19:41 PM): if i wanted that
waterskius (7:19:43 PM): Elisha
waterskius (7:19:45 PM): you don't wanna work
waterskius (7:19:47 PM): come on
waterskius (7:19:49 PM): what does that say?
elisha201 (7:19:53 PM): fuck off
waterskius (7:19:56 PM): you need someone to take care of you
waterskius (7:20:05 PM): you are the laziest person I have ever met
elisha201 (7:20:08 PM): ok whatever
waterskius (7:20:11 PM): I thought my X was lazy
waterskius (7:20:14 PM): but seriously
elisha201 (7:20:21 PM): since iwas taking care of myself since i was thirteen bitch
elisha201 (7:20:27 PM): you still live with your parents
waterskius (7:20:34 PM): you know what?
waterskius (7:20:39 PM): I have a lot of respect for that
elisha201 (7:20:40 PM): go on and tell me
waterskius (7:20:43 PM): but you
elisha201 (7:20:46 PM): yeah obviously
waterskius (7:20:47 PM): use it like you are a victim
elisha201 (7:20:51 PM): whatever
waterskius (7:20:52 PM): and think the world owes you
elisha201 (7:20:57 PM): you dontknow how i use
elisha201 (7:21:03 PM): listen you mother fucker
waterskius (7:21:15 PM): the world doesn't owe you
waterskius (7:21:23 PM): the reason I loved you
elisha201 (7:21:36 PM): i can indead get friends and do have them and can also get pussy but obviously you cant anymore
waterskius (7:21:36 PM): is because I wanted to be there for you
waterskius (7:21:42 PM): wait
waterskius (7:21:46 PM): that was for Keith
waterskius (7:21:46 PM): not you
waterskius (7:21:59 PM): I can get pussy
waterskius (7:22:01 PM): come on now
elisha201 (7:22:03 PM): otherwise you wouldnt be hounding her for it when it isnt what she wants
waterskius (7:22:04 PM): I just know you are 100
waterskius (7:22:28 PM): and you use your powers on me
waterskius (7:22:33 PM): you know those amazing blue eyes
waterskius (7:22:37 PM): and that great smile
waterskius (7:22:41 PM): you resonate energy
waterskius (7:22:44 PM): and it is infectious
waterskius (7:22:48 PM): can't control myself
waterskius (7:22:54 PM): so it's your fault dammit
waterskius (7:22:56 PM): jk
waterskius (7:23:06 PM): alright, alright
waterskius (7:23:08 PM): I get your point
elisha201 (7:23:11 PM): have you read anything i wrote
waterskius (7:23:15 PM): Yes elisha
elisha201 (7:23:23 PM): this isnt elisha anymore
waterskius (7:23:56 PM): Keith
elisha201 (7:23:56 PM): because im 31, i cant get laid and have no friends?
elisha201 (7:24:02 PM): your fuckin wrong about that
waterskius (7:24:15 PM): hey dude I don't care
elisha201 (7:24:22 PM): obviously you do
waterskius (7:24:30 PM): there is no way that you can hangout with her and not like her
waterskius (7:24:37 PM): I'm just saying that you are a loser
waterskius (7:24:44 PM): that goes out of his way to pick her up
elisha201 (7:24:52 PM): im not the one begging her to sleep with me
waterskius (7:24:52 PM): and most normal people don't do that
waterskius (7:25:04 PM): that bitch
waterskius (7:25:08 PM): led me on Keith
waterskius (7:25:14 PM): she was always telling me next time
waterskius (7:25:17 PM): I will fuck you
waterskius (7:25:24 PM): in the meantime I drop thousands on her
waterskius (7:25:29 PM): how would that make you feel?
waterskius (7:25:36 PM): the funny thing about this whole thing Keith
waterskius (7:25:40 PM): is that you are going to go through all this shit
waterskius (7:25:45 PM): and you won't even get pussy
elisha201 (7:25:49 PM): oh yeah
waterskius (7:26:00 PM): just a warning
elisha201 (7:26:05 PM): really?
waterskius (7:26:09 PM): she's messed up in the head
elisha201 (7:26:29 PM): so why are you still wanting her
elisha201 (7:26:33 PM): hmmm
waterskius (7:26:35 PM): how the fuck could someone lay around the house all day
waterskius (7:26:38 PM): cause I loved her
waterskius (7:26:44 PM): the first girl I really loved my friend
waterskius (7:27:05 PM): I think you can relate to that
waterskius (7:27:25 PM): well anyways
waterskius (7:27:29 PM): I just bagged her
waterskius (7:27:37 PM): and that's not right
waterskius (7:27:42 PM): you guys have fun together
waterskius (7:27:45 PM): so have fun
waterskius (7:27:48 PM): at this point
waterskius (7:27:51 PM): I'm like you said
waterskius (7:27:54 PM): some fucking loser
waterskius (7:27:57 PM): begging her for pussy
elisha201 (7:27:59 PM): so you just bagged her
elisha201 (7:28:03 PM): or did you love her
waterskius (7:28:19 PM): I loved her man
waterskius (7:28:24 PM): and she turned that out like a light
waterskius (7:28:28 PM): amazingly
waterskius (7:28:35 PM): so what am I gonna do?
waterskius (7:28:39 PM): not I have to talk to you
waterskius (7:28:42 PM): that's pathetic
elisha201 (7:28:42 PM): ya know you shouldnt goin around calling people losers that you dont know
waterskius (7:28:44 PM): and I'm laughing
elisha201 (7:28:51 PM): do i look like that nice of a person
elisha201 (7:29:13 PM): and im meaner than i look if you can believe that
waterskius (7:29:19 PM): okay
waterskius (7:29:31 PM): you do what you want
elisha201 (7:29:51 PM): im just saying dont fuck with someone that you dont even know
waterskius (7:30:19 PM): this is a special circumstance
waterskius (7:30:26 PM): and if you wanna play hardball
waterskius (7:30:29 PM): I don't step down
waterskius (7:30:33 PM): cause you took the girl I loved
waterskius (7:30:41 PM): that is a special circumstance
waterskius (7:30:47 PM): that a guy doesn't back down about
waterskius (7:30:55 PM): I don't care what you think of yourself
waterskius (7:31:11 PM): basically I have made big mistakes with the situation Keith
waterskius (7:31:19 PM): I have kept our friendship up too long
elisha201 (7:31:23 PM): good cuz i dont care what you think about me either
waterskius (7:31:31 PM): and that's my fault
waterskius (7:31:45 PM): alright well I have to study
waterskius (7:31:51 PM): anything else need to be said here?
elisha201 (7:32:08 PM): what friendship, you once told her that if there was no sex you wouldnt be around, what type of friend says that
waterskius (7:32:20 PM): a desperate friend
waterskius (7:32:25 PM): that didn't want her to break up with me
waterskius (7:32:31 PM): when you love someone
waterskius (7:32:33 PM): you try to do anything
waterskius (7:32:36 PM): to keep it alive
waterskius (7:32:39 PM): and that was a dumb
waterskius (7:32:43 PM): desperate attempt
elisha201 (7:32:52 PM): sounds like game playing to me, i dont know about her, but i really dont like games
waterskius (7:33:00 PM): she's the king
waterskius (7:33:06 PM): I mean come on
waterskius (7:33:11 PM): you have one side of the story Keith
waterskius (7:33:15 PM): this is the first time we talked
elisha201 (7:33:28 PM): im sure i have only heard one side
elisha201 (7:33:47 PM): but your the one that started with " your a loser"
waterskius (7:33:58 PM): well if you buy her food, pick her up, and take care of her
waterskius (7:34:03 PM): you must be a helluva guy
elisha201 (7:34:04 PM): so perhaps i should take your side
waterskius (7:34:07 PM): cause that's not normal
elisha201 (7:34:19 PM): actually i am a hell of a guy
elisha201 (7:34:42 PM): any time you want to talk to any of my friends you just let me know
waterskius (7:34:43 PM): well what can I say to that Keith
elisha201 (7:34:52 PM): even my ex wouldnt bad mouth me
waterskius (7:34:55 PM): you guys are obviously meant for each other...
waterskius (7:35:21 PM): I'm sure my X or friends wouldn't either
waterskius (7:35:24 PM): so?
waterskius (7:35:31 PM): excluding Elisha
waterskius (7:35:32 PM): ha!
elisha201 (7:36:10 PM): well ill let you talk to her, im about through, you have my number if you have any further problems with me
waterskius (7:36:28 PM): I didn't have a problem with you
waterskius (7:36:31 PM): you are just a loser
waterskius (7:36:36 PM): or a helluva a guy
waterskius (7:36:40 PM): that's all I'm saying
elisha201 (7:36:49 PM): listen cock sucker
elisha201 (7:37:01 PM): i was done now you want to start more?
waterskius (7:37:25 PM): no
elisha201 (7:37:29 PM): maybe i will try to fuck her now, how does that feel
waterskius (7:37:37 PM): you know what
waterskius (7:37:42 PM): I'm finally over it
waterskius (7:37:48 PM): but I was never so hurt in my life
waterskius (7:37:52 PM): and I guess that might show
waterskius (7:37:55 PM): I'm either a loser
waterskius (7:37:58 PM): or something
elisha201 (7:39:18 PM): so then IF I WAS sleeping with her, then you don't care, right? because are over her, right?
waterskius (7:40:27 PM): well if you are
waterskius (7:40:28 PM): she lied
elisha201 (7:40:32 PM): i cant believe you would say that stuff about someone who is my friend
waterskius (7:40:35 PM): and I don't have friends that are liars
elisha201 (7:40:39 PM): and who isnt using me for sex
elisha201 (7:41:19 PM): maybe you are just pissed because he is a nicer guy than you
elisha201 (7:41:28 PM): you wish you could be the kind of person he is
elisha201 (7:42:14 PM): so anyway maybe if i am a decent mood tomorrow and i am online i might say something to you but right now i am done talking to you

ya know what sucks? i lost my blogs from october! that is shitty. i have no idea how that happened. oh well it was just stupid stuff anyway. got in a fight with kenny and he tried for the thousandth time to accuse me of being with him for his money. i think that he wanted me to be with him for his money. it makes him feel powerful or something. that is fucked up. keith didnt come home for lunch today. that kinda sucks cuz i was looking forward to kissing him. but oh well i can do that when he comes home from work. although he did have a list of things for me to do. we will see if that is how he is going to start being. he was just teasing but you know what i mean. also got an email from cheryl earlier. havent read it yet. going to go outside and play with the dog for a few minutes unles it is really cold

i noticed i always start the blogs the same way. so i am going to try and stop that too. me and keith are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. i asked him last night if he wanted to be my boyfriend and he was like i thought we already were that way (or something along those lines) and i told him that i just wanted to make sure. ya know i dont want to say someone is my boyfriend if he doesnt want to be called that. he is so sexy. i was thinking last night after we had sex that it is sooo much better cuz with my ex when it was done it was done and i felt like ok well dont have to do that for awhile. not that i didnt want to have sex with my ex but i just didnt feel the need to do it that much. but afterward with keith i am just like woohoo cant wait to that again. and i just feel yummy afterwards. it's nice. i have to email marisa my stuff for my resume. hopefully she can help me with that. well i think i am going to go back to bed. maybe i will write more later if i feel like it.

goodness where to begin. i have so much to type but i really dont know where to start. first of all the money that i am going to be getting. ok. in april and sept. that will be the last two times i get money for 4 yrs. well lump sums. so i am screwed after september unless i do something to change that fact. so here is the plan so far. it's not really developed but well that's what this thing is for. so i am going to start working and going to school as soon as possible. therefore i will be making as much money as possible. which allows me to save as much money as possible. i will get rid of needless expenses. i.e. going to the library instead of the bookstore. going to thrift stores and all that and just watching every penny. which is going to be very hard but i have to do it. that is the first stage of the plan. then while i am working on that process i need to research ways to make the money i am saving to work for me. more specifically making the most i can off it the fastest and the less risky. not so easy any more. however i am thinking along a timeline of ten yrs. i want to be set up or at least mostly on my way to being set up by the time i am thirty. cuz that is when i would like to start having a family and all that nonsense. so that is my plan for the money.
now i forgot the rest of what i was going to say. hate it when that happens. ok so anyway. keith actually kept his daughter all weekend. it wasnt bad. i had fun. she is really cute. although she tends to get jealous if i am sitting next to him or anything like that. so then she tries to push me away and she says my daddy. so that is kinda annoying cuz i think keith kinda likes it. cant really blame him i guess but it will definitly cause problems in the future. my niece used to throw temper tantrums and say that her mom was ruining her life and that she didnt love her and all that and it made cheryl miserable. she isnt doing it anymore. but i dont want to have to go through that and i know i dont have kids so i dont know what it's like and all that but i dont want a 2 yr old running my relationship and not letting my sit next to my boyfriend (or whatever we are) that's like letting some guys mom run a relationship. it just aint gonna work. i can see where she is coming from but ya know. but he said that she would do that when he would touch her mom too. so i am a bit worried. although he did tell her to share today when she did it. we will see. and i know he is going to ask why i didnt say any of this to him but it's either something that he is going to do himself or not. and if i say something then i will be feeling like i am nagging and i just dont want to be put in the position that that would put me in. which would make me sound like i am making him pick and that is ridiculous cuz i would never do that in a million yrs. like i said earlier i just dont want a 2 yr old deciding our relationship. which i dont think that is the case right now anyway. i am just remembering how elizabeth was with bill. and that would drive me nuts.
ok new topic cuz i spent too much time on that one anyway. oh but we layed around yesterday and today and it was nice and relaxing. just chilled. went grocery shopping oh and this guy came up to us as keith was putting nicki in her car seat and i was loading the groceries and he asked keith if he could give his lady something to read. well keith didnt hear him cuz he was walking over to put nicki in her seat so anyway i was like sure. i knew it was religious shit but i figured what the hell let him give it to me and make him feel better. so i dont know maybe he thinks i am a dirty whore and well maybe i am. lol. so anyway. that was eventful. and then i slept on the couch and well ya know took care of business cuz i wasnt going to get any. that made me sad. and yet happy. lol
so anyway. we did kinda get into it a bit. cuz i didnt tell him my number but let him think that it was a certain number. not saying if it was the correct number or not. but then he was reading my blog and he assumed that every guy i mentioned on the blog i slept with. and that aint true. not by a long shot. i might be a slutty but come on. i am not that bad. so anyway. i was laying there last night thinking maybe i will list all my sexcapades and all that in order and whatnot or whatever bu then i am like no. i dont care how many girls he slept with. my number doesnt matter to me (and to someone who thought she was only going to have sex with one guy in her whole life and freaked out when she had sex with guy number 2 that is a big deal) so anyway. no detailed list. the only thing that matters is that there are only 2 guys that i have had sex with that i love. my ex (even though i hate to admit it i did love the bastard) and keith. i dont know if me and keith are going to last forever or even another month. but i know he is always going to be important to me. whether we remain friends or just as memories. ya know i want to be with him for a long time but we cant even agree on what we want to call ourselves which is probably 70 percent my problem. but anyway. so the rest i could have just gotten myself off and it would have ment more. well ok there is micheal. i didnt love him though. i loved the idea of him. i loved what he was. but that was it. and the sex wasnt good. there were some highlights that i liked but basically not good. but really the reason that none of these guys were any good was because i just cannot loosen up on the first time. and i really didnt care to loosen up on any of them. so to me it doesnt matter. i dont even know if i really loosened up that much with my ex. but anyway i forgot my point. keith's roommate is here and he's distracting me. so anyway. well i am just going to type more later cuz i cant think of what all else i wanted to say

oh and if anyone reading this knows how to put a comments thing on here and could help walk me through that would be awesome and very much appreciated. i have a book that tells how to do it but i always mess it up.
thanks

well i feel that i have been self editing lately. not intentionally so i am going to make an effort to stop that and also i am going to try and stop talking about the boring stupid stuff. but then i wouldnt have anything to talk about. well keith was snooping through my messenger archives and he found the messages from greyeyes and well to put it mildly greyeyes is a perv. and well i let him talk and i say things back once in awhile. and well he found those so now he thinks i am just some big dirty perv. when really i am not. well not that big of one anyway. not really. so anyway. and then i was saying how greyeyes is bi and he was like no guys are not bi girls are but guys arent they are just fags. well in walks his roommate who always has something to say (and it's always hilarious) well anyway he of course said that guys cant be bi either but greyeyes wants to have a threesome with me and another girl and me and another guy. so how could he be completely gay if he is wanting to get it on with 2 girls? beats the hell outta me. so anyway. and then keith saw something on there where i said yeah too bad keith doesnt swing that way. so now he thinks i want to have a threesome with both of them. when i dont. i was just saying it because greyeyes had mentioned it before. so anyway. now i am a big dirty perv. but keith has chics on there that talk to him dirty too but it's ok when he does it. so anyway. 4 or 5 more weeks till i get my check and then i will be all set. at least for that month. lol. no i am going to save my money this time. i was looking at this thing that said all the money bush cut from va benefits and some of it was cut from the educations part and i am like what a fucking loser. if i cant get my money to go to college i am going to be ringing someone's doorbell and telling him to fucking give me my money. cuz if it was for the fucking airforce i would have my dad to pay for my college for me anyway. so if i dont get my money for college someone is going to be hearing about it. so anyway i got to jump in the shower before keith gets back with his daughter. oh yeah we were out this morning to pick up this conversion van that he paid 500 bucks for and it has a bed in the back. well anyway it's a good van for 500 bucks and now he is like i could get a porshe now. and have this to take the kids in. so anyway we went to get that and his exmotherinlaw. well soon to be ex and his son drove past us in the opposite direction. so if they were paying attention and saw me in there and then tell his ex she might bitch at him cuz someone already saw me on the back of his bike. oh well i hope it doesnt cause too much shit for him.

crisis averted. he does want to come. yippy! lol he was just feeling crappy thats not good but i am happy he is still coming. i dont know how energetic we will both be but whatever. it's all good.

hmmmm well keith didnt call all day. so i took a nap at about 3:40 and slept until 5:30. i figured he would call and wake me up but he didnt so i called him. i dont know it doesnt seem like he wants to come tonight. i dont know. it was just a weird conversation kinda. he said he was busting his ass at work. i figured that is why he didnt call. and that he caught his daughter's cold. so he is probably feeling like shit right now. he said he was going to take a shower and then call me back. i dont know. i am just waiting for him to tell me he doesnt want to come. which will suck but i guess i will understand. i mean if he feels like shit. it is an hour drive. each way. i was having a weird dream about kenny earlier. i just remembered it. we were at a friend of his and i was sleeping on the couch or something and then there were these hanging platform things and we got up there and we had to knock all these balloons off but we didnt get em all and then she was going to jump from hers to ours but she missed partly because of me and she slid under the bed that was there where the couch just was. so any way i was laughing but trying not to. cuz it looked like it hurt. but for some reason i just really didnt like her that much. so anyway she let us take her car. oh and she lived in a dorm in the sears tower. weird. so anyway. i was driving horrible like i couldnt control the car. and then kenny got out and for some reason i was getting in the car but i was getting in backwards and it took off and kenny got soooo pissed but then i was like kenny what the hell could i do. i couldnt do anything about it and then we just started laughing. and then she came out with a couple of her friends and then we were driving somewhere but i woke up. that is kinda a crazy dream. but anyway. oh yeah keith also said that he has to show an apartment before he comes over. so he is not going to get here until at least 9. that sucks. if he even comes over. i dont know. maybe it would be better if he didnt. i was all excited but now i dont know. he is going to have the kids. and if devin is coming over he might not want me to be there. which is understandable but it would still suck. plus i dont even know where i would sleep and all that. so i dont know. i wish he would have said something sooner though. this britney spears song is getting on my nerves. i liked it but now i am just like shut up. it seems like they play it every other song. well i guess i am going to go back to bed until he calls me. we will see how long it takes.

alright well i talked with kenny earlier. he is going to bar chicago tonight and wanted to use my apartment to "dock" i was like i dont think so. he was just joking though (unless i was going to let him) he is wanting me to go to this kickass hotel place with him. where everyroom has it's own hottub, pool, and steam room. and big screen tv at the foot of the bed. very tempting. but no. i want to go with keith. that would be sweet. cuz then we could skinny dipping and all that good stuff. man i havent been skinny dipping since before highschool. oh well. we will see after i get a job. then maybe i will surprise him with a trip there. my head is killing me today and i am slowly (very slowly) cleaning my apartment. keith still hasnt called today. which is odd but oh well. i will see him soon enough. my diet the last few days has consisted of mainly peanut butter and koolaid. not a good combination. well i better get back to cleaning.

well i feel a little bit better today. marisa called me last night and we talked for awhile. she is bound and determined to get me to move out to the suburbs though. i hope i get a job soon. or i might take her up on it. i am thinking more and more about a roommate though. but it would have to be in the same area. i wouldnt mind moving over to these dearborn apartments that i looked at with kelly. they were nice and they had a gym and a pool. hmmmm. i wonder. but i know you probably cant paint there either. well i am sure there are tons of cute apartments in this area that you can paint. but i would like to move to a building with a gym. not that i would necessarily use it but who knows. maybe i would. but i want to be able to paint. and do stuff and all that. ya know. be creative. but then again making all white walls look warm and cozy could be considered creative. ya know maybe i will just get a one bedroom here. in the same building. still wont be able to paint and still no gym. i dont know i really like my apartment though. maybe keith will want to move in here with me. lol. well technically it is bigger than his room in wisconsin and when i am there we hardly ever leave that room. although we might need to move into a one bedroom though for all of his exercise equipment. plus there would have to be room for his kids to sleep. damn that wont work. oh well. i cant wait for later tonight when he comes over! i am getting excited!

damn i am still bummed. i am so bored! it's sad really. i think when i am up at keiths i am going to go to the library up there and get some books so i can have something to do. i wish it was warmer cuz then i would go outside. it was freezing today when i went to v.s. and it's like 19 degrees now. oh well what another few weeks of bad weather and then here comes the rain. oh well. i have 3 umbrellas. i am tired i think i am going to go to bed now. tomorrow is another day.

well i am still feeling crappy. i know it is just a job and there are plenty more and all that nonsense but i was really looking forward to this one and i was hoping i would get one so i wouldnt have to worry about money any more and i would have something to do. i dont know. i think i wouldnt have gotten it even if i would have had my references right there. i feel so stupid for not having them. i am pissed off because she acted like i had no sales experience whatso ever during the interview but i was a sales rep for vector and it's the same thing. big deal they have a fucking store that makes it easier cuz people come in there wanting to buy that stuff. and they are planning on buying it. at vector you have to convince people they need it and that they want it. i dont know i guess it wasnt the right job for me anyway cuz they apparently pay you by the hour but treat you like they pay you on commission. i dont know why i am so pissed that i didnt get it. cuz that would be alot of pressure for not as much pay but i dont know. i think it would still be ok. oh well. i will get another job somewhere else. i dont know. i am just sick of not having any money. and not having anything to do...ever. all i do is sit in my apartment and wait for keith to call or kenny to come online. and as happy as i am that they do i want my own life. that is why i moved here. i just want to have fun and get outside and meet pepole and feel good about my life and that i am living it to the fullest. and i cant do that without money. i dont know maybe i should just say fuck the job and go back to school. i mean i plan on going back to school anyway but when i am in school i dont need to work. it would be nice but not necessary. so i could just do that. but i dont know i still want to work. ya know i want to be able to meet as many people as possible. and have as much money as possible so i can do whatever i want buy whatever i want and just relax about the money issue for awhile. i have been worrying about money since i was 16. and for no reason really. i should not have to worry about money. oh well 5 more weeks and i get my check and then i can finally pay off all my dr bills and all that and my other bills and then i wont have any of that to worry about. a fresh start with some money in the bank and hopefully i will have a job by then so i can keep the money in the bank. but then i wont have any bills to pay so i can put away the money i would normally be paying those off or i can spend it. no that would bad. i need to save it. i am going to set up some goals. i think by the fall i am going to go on vacation somewhere. hmmmm where. how about mexico. wait no. it's gotta be tahiti. i am going to be naked in tahiti. so that would be a money goal and an exercise goal. although i think i am defenitly going to meet my exercise goals and stuff this time. cuz i am pretty thin the way it is and since it should be warming up soon i will be outside alot and i can get my cardio in and all that and since i will be able to keep groceries in the house by then it should be as easy as pie. we will see. so anyway. i think i am going to go to tahiti. that will be nice.

well i am retarded. i blew the damn interview. and all my applications have my home number on them so i wont be getting any calls cuz they shut my phone off. the other girl was very nice and everything and she was recruited by nordstrom to be a personal shopper. and she got all her bosses numbers in all the time and she was only 20. and the more the chic talked about the job the more i wanted it. and so anyway the other girl was answering all the questions first so i felt stupid so then i started answering some first and then she was like yeah what she said and stuff but then the chic doing the interview was like ok any questions and this girl had a ton and when i finally thought of a good one she answered it before i could ask it. and then she was like i would like to talk to each one of you privately so who will go first. so i was like i will. ya know get it over with show some initive and all that well she was like can i have 3 personal references so i wrote down the names and i was like (since i am stupid and dont memorize peoples numbers) well they are all in my cell phone can i give them to you when i get back home. and she was like yeah sure have a nice day. i was like what the fuck. so anyway i am going to see if dave and busters will still hire me. doubt it. seriously i am stupid. so now i feel like crap and i want to eat a whole chocolate cake by myself

man i am starving! i cant wait for kenny to get here. i was thinking about seeing if keith wanted to come over tonight and just tell kenny i would see him next week. horrible i know but i really miss keith. and i wanted to see him. but he is going out with matt tonight anyway. so whatever. i am glad he is getting out of the house but matt does some pretty wild things. but oh well. i hope i get the job tomorrow. i wonder how many people they are hiring. man i hope kenny hurries up and gets here. i am pretty bored and i know i am just going to get worked up about the interview if i just sit here. so anyway. i think kenny is going to want to go out tomorrow night to which technically it was my idea. but they are having this singing contest at this bar and they are going to see who can sing danny boy and he can do that pretty good so i dont know if he is really going to do it or what i wish he would hurry up and get here. he has like another hour at least i think maybe two. but maybe he will get out early. i dont know

well spring is finally on it's way. i was awaken this morning...ok late morning... by birds chirping outside my window. so annoying but a symbol of warm weather to come. very nice. my interview is tomorrow. i am getting nervous. this sucks. i didnt find pants to match my blazer but kenny said i should wear my blazer cuz every chic in v.s. normally wears a blazer but when i dropped my application off they were all in short sleeve shirts and stuff. but i would agree with him that i should wear the blazer but if it doesnt match the pants then i will look stupid. seriously they should paten one version of black and everyone should use it. but then it would probably be that stupid green black that is ugly. but anyway. plus if i take the blazer back then i can get some comfy black dress shoes for if i actually start work plus i might be able to pick up some groceries too. but anyway. i will need some comfy black shoes cuz those heels that i have i can wear for maybe 2 hours but not 8 at least not standing up the entire time. i will fell awful. so shoes are top on my list. oh and i am down to 144 lbs. so that is awesome. but since i didnt get groceries yesterday that means i dont really have that good of food in the house. but i also dont have the money to go and get soda's from the vending machine so that will help out alot. so i will have to drink water.

alright well that was a really long blog. but apparently i do still have the internet but we will see how long that lasts

March 9
Well damn I don’t have the internet right now and it will probably be a month before I get it back up. I think I might get a job a at Victoria
secrets. That will cool! Except they will want me to work weekends Friday Saturday and Sunday so that will suck because then when am I going to see keith. But I am thinking that if he comes down on the weekends when he doesn’t have the kids then that will be cool cuz then he can spend some more time here and we will get to do stuff in Chicago and I will hopefully learn the city a little better and all that. So I will be excited. If he wants to do that that is. It will suck though because we will never get to spend all day in bed or anything like that. At least not for a long time. And that will suck. Ya know cuz if I can get both my days off in a row then I can go up there during the week when he works and then stay up there and he can come down everyother weekend so we should be able to work something out. But it is going to be really tough when I start school again. But I have to do it. And this is the girl that didn’t ever want to have another long distance relationship. Although one hour isn’t really long distance if only one of you has a car it is. So I am thinking if keith hasn’t sold this focus that he got a good deal on at work by the time I get some money and all that then I might buy it. Oh and then the night before last he was saying how it’s good when we have breaks and stuff and I was like I know and he was like I think this break is needed (since we fought all weekend) and I was like I know. But then he was like I think they are needed but I don’t want anyone else to have your good times I want them all. That was really sweet. It melted my butter. Lol. But then last night he was pissed cuz me and Kenny went out cuz Kenny was hungry and we shared an entrée and then Kenny wanted to teach me how to dance. And all that. So last night on the phone keith was like did he try anything and I was like no cuz he didn’t and then keith had the nerve to ask if I had been drinking which is to imply that if I was I would have slept with him or whatever. Or done something with him cuz I made the mistake of telling keith about how bad things happen when I drink. So now he is worried that I am just going to get drunk and sleep with Kenny. And we were just talking about that the night before. And that really pissed me off because he is throwing something in my face that didn’t happen with him. When I was 18! and under completely different circumstances. And that pisses me off because not once have I blamed him or thought less of him for something he did before me. Ya know I mean I never did anything that would make him not trust me and already I am being questioned. It kinda makes me wonder. I mean what is he going to do when I am in school and am working and I don’t have time for him or when I go out with my friends and I don’t see him. I mean then how is he going to act. So I am in a predicament because on the one hand he is very sweet and he does treat me very good and we have a good time together but I am not used to being questioned all the time. Even my ex forgave me for that mistake ya know. And it’s like I try to be very honest especially to someone I am in a relationship with. I don’t like to lie I am not good at it and I don’t really see the point most of the time. And then for him to not trust when I have never done anything that would make him lose trust in me it just gets under my skin to just automatically not be trusted because I am a woman. And because of something I did when I was 18 that I didn’t have to tell him about in the first place. So anyway this is too long and all that and I have to get my butt in gear cuz I need to finish buying an outfit for all my interviews and all that. So I might write more later
Later that day…
So anyway this sucks. I went to try and find pants to match my blazer and nothing. Well they did have matching pants but they sucked so I didn’t get them. So I had to buy other pants and a new shirt and I have to take back that blazer later this week sometime. So that is crappy. but at least I got some good pants now. Although I will probably need them hemmed cuz they are a little long but oh well. Oh and then keith calls me and he asked if I was still pissed well he has this way of asking that makes it seem that if I am then he is going to get pissed and that there is no reason for me to still be mad. Although I wasn’t mad any more and I was looking forward to talking to him that kinda made me mad. So anyway now I feel crummy and I already felt bad cuz the mirrors at h and m are awful and I realized that I am getting a small mustache and that I just look bad. So I am having a bad body day. And he called and just didn’t help anything. But oh well hopefully I will get that job at v.s. and it will all be good. I will be happy if that happens I guess or that sunglasses place that would be cool too. But anyway. I have to go grocery shopping now. Which I barely have any money left thanks to my little shopping adventures of the last two days and I am still not done because I have to get some black flats or something comfy to wear if I get a job. But I am so feeling the v.s. interview on Thursday. I defenitly think that I am going to land that. But if I don’t oh well. I applied at a ton of spots so something has to come up right? Lets hope so. Mommy needs some new shoes. Lol. Actually I need the internet back on and my phones and tons of other crap.

well keith is taking a nap with nicki and my magazines are all in that room so i am trying to keep myself busy. my diet has not been good these last couple of days. i am sad to say. pasta, chocolate chip cookies, donuts, and chocolate milk. not a good thing. but i have been trying to keep it in check somewhat. last night i kinda binged a little on the donuts but other wise i have not been eating too much of the bad stuff. but it's enough. so we will see how much i messed up tomorrow when i weigh and measure myself. good news though i got a new weight watchers mag so i will have even more recipes. woo hoo. hopefully some yummy stuff. i cant weight til i get a job so i can get some rollerblades. well i hear keith snoring. lol. he's out. i just cant wait to go shopping either i got a few magazines so i can get some inspiration and motivation. ok i am addicted to magazines and will use any excuse to get one. i am so bad i know. i hope they are not out for too long. or at least someone comes online to chat with me. i am bored. well i guess i could work on that drawing for keith. i really need to get it done. and i found a frame shop right down the road from my house so that is sweet. but it will be anywhere from 50 to 100 dollars so i have until next month before i can get it framed. but i know i am going to beable to find a kick ass frame for it there. cuz i looked at some already and they were bad ass so i know i will be able to find the perfect one. and i get my computer back tomorrow so hopefully it will be as good as new and i wont have any more problems with it. hopefully

well dont really have to much to talk about today. me and keith made up and we are going to go and clean up some apartments later on. so i will be getting paid. which means i will be going shopping. lol. we probably wont work too long so i wont make much but there are tons of outlets up here and i am going to see if maybe we can stop at one. wait no that wont work. i'm going to get my haircut!!!! oh yeah. and if it's not enough to get my hair cut then i am going to save up to get my haircut. cuz i freaking need my hair cut. i need my eyebrows waxed too but that's another story. sweet. now i am excited. i am going to get my hair cut. woo-hoo! aahhh the little things are nice. i havent had my hair cut since the first week of october! it's now march!! that is so sad. well i wouldnt mind too much but it just isnt growing out that great. i am so excited i am going to feel so much better after i get it cut. sorry i know the topic of getting my haircut is boring but for me it's so exciting. i have been waiting since december to get it cut. and since i am back to losing weight and now my hair is going to look good and i am going to get a job soon and then i will have money to spend on making my apartment look nice and i will be starting school in the summer so i will have even more money. i hate worring about money. but then again who doesnt. not that i am really worried about it cuz next month i get a lump sum but i dont want to spend anymore than necessary. maybe keith and i will go on a trip. that would be cool. but i know he wont let me spend my money. so that will not happen. he will be like no you need to save that. ya know maybe i should get some clothes and save the haircut for next month. well i should probably save the clothes for next month. i dont know. i am being silly i guess. there really isnt much for me to do with the money. maybe i will go and get some books or magazines. no i have enough of those. i need to start going to the library and getting books from there so i dont spend so much money on books any more. that's just a waste of money. that's what i need to do. figure out my expenses and find the little ways to save money. like i already know i am going to be shopping mostly at the outlets up here (they're every where) and the thrift and vintage stores down in chicago. not to mention payless. they have awesome shoes! i got like 5 pair for under 50 bucks once how awesome is that. plus there are just tons of other places i am going to be a shopping maniac once i get a job. especially since i will be able to fit into stuff. that is all i am going to be doing in my free time. at least for awhile. until i get my wardrobe caught up. right now i have at least twice as many clothes that are too big than i have that actually fit. actually all most all of my clothes are too big. and the other stuff is too small. so i definitly need to get on expanding that wardrobe. i need to find a good will to take all my other clothes. make room for the new stuff. the new me stuff. wow this is going to be fun. maybe i wont go home memorial day weekend. i will spend all weekend shopping. that would be fun. oh yeah someone saw me on keith's bike. one of his soon to be ex's friends. so she found out but he played it off like so what if i had a girl on the back of my bike. and i was like good job. cuz it's true. i could just be one of his friends or some chic that wanted a ride. god i cant wait to work. now. hopefully i get the job at the limited or victoria secrets so i can get a discount. cuz i know i am getting my underwear and stuff from there mostly. maybe some other places but i doubt it. i am going to be damn sexy. well i already am but ya know what i mean. ok well sorry this is boring i am going to look through some magazines so i can make a list of clothes i want to buy when i get a job. i know i am lame but well i just cant help it. it's all the inbreeding. lol. jk

why is it that when you are first with someone sitting on the phone not saying anything is romantic but sooner or later it gets annoying?

maybe that is a form of self preservation. ya know. so you dont lose your job cuz you are constantly on the phone with your boyfriend not saying anything. who knows. right now we are fighting. isnt that terrific? all cuz i was crabby yesterday and took it out on him so he is still mad about it. i swear i think he is taking out everything his ex ever did to him on me. he says that he is not jealous of kenny but he asked if had sex the last time he came over. whatever. but anyway. i cant wait to get a job. i have a new reason now. if i get a job then i can afford to do other things. like go back to tango and maybe take a hip hop class so i can learn to dance at clubs or whatever and that way i wont put so much emphasis on keith cuz thats what i did with my ex and look how that turned out. and i want to be able to have better perspective on everything and know that it doesnt have to work out and that if it doesnt my life wont fall apart and if it doesnt i will have stuff to occupy my time with instead of jumping into the dating pool again so soon. and that way i wont be so accesible to keith so maybe he wont take me for granted. not that he does. but ya never know when he might start. i cant wait till my stomach is used to eating smaller amounts of food again that way i wont be hungry and i can go down to the mid and lowest points in my range instead of the high and mid. but that probably shouldnt be until i loose at least 5 lbs but maybe ten because i dont want to be stuck not losing weight when i get down to 135 130 and i cant lower my points to start losing again. cuz then i would have to exercise more and that just aint right. lol. well anyway. i am going to start some laundry and read my book and then have some lunch. oh yeah sounds good.

ya know i feel bad about keeping keith from kenny but kenny said that he would never talk to me if i ever went out with keith and he also said he would feel like shit because he would always think that keith stole me from him. but that's not the case at all. kenny has this great opportunity to take this internship in vegas. i hope he goes for it. that is such a huge opportunity!! and i think it is perfect for him. not much really going on with me at the moment. went and got tons of applications. and i have been working out again and eating right. i feel really good. thats what i love about weight watchers. it is so easy and i feel good right from the start. which makes it so much easier to stay on it but i do have to fight the urge to jump on the scale all the time cuz i want to see if i reallly am lighter or i just feel lighter. but i know i just feel lighter but that is great cuz i know i am doing something good for my body and i can tell. so i dont feel like a fat slob. which i am not so why should i feel that way. so anyway. i am feeling pretty good. and last night. get this. keith came to pick me up and i had been thinking about it the last 2 days since he dropped me off so i got ready and i put on this bra that just gives me the best cleavage a girl could ask for! i mean it goes on for days. so then i put this really low cut shirt on. well actually with a normal bra it is decently low cut but whith this bra on it goes over the top and down the front of my breasts and it's all lacey and i put on some dress pants and some killer boots. not my awesome cranberry boots that are the sexiest boots ever but these are close. they were brown and had about 3 inch stilleto heels. (it's a good thing my apartment is small other wise i am sure i would have fell on my face!!!!) so anyway since i was so bored on tuesday and spent the whole day (and i mean the whole day!) cleaning and hanging up the rest of my drawings and some other pics that i had. and putting up 2 small shelves and rearranging stuff my appartment was looking stellar. well at least as good as it ever has. i polished my end tables and coffee table. made my bed. mopped my floor. swept the carpet. so i lit some candles all over my apartment (what girl doestnt look good by candle light? not to mention all my polished wood surfaces reflected the glow, sprayed some stuff to make sure it smelled good, put on some soft jazz (thank you chicago public radio) and i waited for my prey. lol. oh yeah i did my hair and make up too of course. made my eyes all smoky and my hair touchably soft and what not. so anyway he shows up and i figured he would use the key to get in but like the sweety that he is he knocked. and after a quick run to the bathroom (well it is an hour drive) we started kissing all romantic like. he was happy cuz he didnt have to bend down to kiss me. well i dont know if he cared all that much but he did remark on it. so anyway back to the kissing. so i am feeling my sex appeal and all that, feeling like the goddess that i am. lol. nerd. so anyway. we get to the bed and ya know i rock his world. lol. it's true. lol. well anyway. it was good. ya know i just wanted to make him feel special and let him know i appreciate all that he does for me and for picking me up after he has had a bad day and all that stuff. and i wanted to let out my inner sex goddess. ya know the one that is caring and considerate and cares more about her lovers time than her own and just wants to do whatever she can to make her partner feel good. so i did. i am so sweet. but that is going to be how this whole weekend is hopefully. i have a few more things planned. i didnt really bring anything sexy to wear. but matt isnt here this weekend so who says i have to wear anything. lol. ya know guys need to be treated good too and taken care of once in awhile. well anyway i guess i am still in the after glow of it all. sorry about the tmi. but well it's my journal dammit and if i want to type about the amazing sex i had then i will. i think i might have to run to home depo and get some plastic that they use to paint rooms with so i can throw that down in the living room and then get out the whipcream and spray it down and well you can use your imagination. so anyway. i am hoping to lose another 20 lbs by memorial day. not that i really need to but i want to see some abs this summer. lol. and keith wants to put that smaller seat on his harley. lol. and i know he will whether or not my ass is any smaller. not that it's big. cuz i have been told twice that since i had big boobs the guys figured i had to have a big ass too and they were pleasantly surprised to find that i didnt. so i was like woohoo. i love the way my body looks now it's all curvy and womanly i just want to do little tweaking. ya know some detail work. but i think i have a pretty realistic goal. 2 lbs a week until memorial day. that should be easy. well maybe not exactly 2 lbs a week. i have been doing this long enough to know that if fluctuates and i am not going to lose 2 lbs every week. sometimes more sometimes less. but it is my goal to be able to go around in a bikini in public and be confident. really i just want to raise my ass up and shrink my buddha belly a little. not that there is anything wrong with my buddha belly. they can be sexy too but i would like to have a flat stomach for awhile. if not now when? ya know. there's plenty of time for a buddha belly after the kids. in about 10 yrs. so anyway that is my goal. the ass thing shouldnt be too hard cuz once it gets warmer and it has already shown signs of doing just that then i will be out there walking all over the city and up all those damn steps to the el. round perky butt here i come. not to mention i want to get some rollerblades to go up and down the path along the lake. so i got that taken care of. just got to work on the fat on my tummy. but that should also be taken care of because of all the cardio i will be doing. i cant wait. i am hoping that if i do look as good as i think i am going to look by memorial day then i will be going home that weekend. and flaunting my bad self. go make out with some more chics at jimmy t's. lol. oh yeah hot stuff coming through. lol. i am a nerd well damn this is extremely long so i am going to cut it off now. i need to email some people anyway. and get some laundry going. oh i forgot about the cranberry boots. ok they really are the sexiest boots. i cant help it. kenny said that when he was in vegas almost every girl had boots on but none were as sexy as my cranberry boots. and he wasnt just saying that either. cuz i can tell when someone is just saying stuff like that. well most of the time. but i know he was serious. so anyway. he also said he was watching all the chics walk by and he said none of em walked as sexy as i did either. i was like oh yeah i am hot shit. lol. he might have been fibbing about that part but i have been told several times that i have a sexy walk. a couple of times by complete strangers so ya know. you can tell by the way i walk...... oh yeah go me. so anyway i did bring my boots with me this weekend in case we go out. but i kinda dont want to go out cuz that would ruin the diet thing. well not ruin it but set me back and well it's just not worth it. i mean ya know it can wait i was never one to go out that much anyway. i still dont have a drink that i like that i can order anywhere. i cant wait til i am in shape. i know as long as i stay on weightwatchers i will lose weight. so all i have to do is keep up the exercise. the weightwatchers is easy. well so is this new exercise plan that i got. well the exercises arent easy but hopefully sticking to it will be. especially if i start to see results soon. which i think i might since i am eating right. hopefully by the end of the month i will notice something. at least i know i will have lost weight by the end of the month even if i dont notice it anywhere else. oh alright i will stop now. dont know how i got back on this topic anyway

well yesterday and today i have been very productive. yesterday keith and i went around and grabbed 15 applications for me to fill out. so we ended up walking all over the city. and then we went to the harley store and checked out some leather jackets. and today i got up at 8 worked out first thing then started filling out the applications. i got most of them done and i dropped off three so that is good. then later i will fill out some more and tomorrow i will drop them off and then get some more. man if i keep going like this i might actually get a job. i miss keith already. it's ok since i know i will see him on wednesday. and that we both have so much stuff to do so we need to be away from each other to get it done. but also we both like that spending time apart will keep everything new longer. and since we spent practically the whole month together it is time for a few days off. i dont do anything while i am up there. although now i will exercise and clean and cook. oh that reminds me i also started doing my dishes saturday. which most of you will be like oh whats the big deal. well it's been awhile since i did the dishes. and i kept meaning to do the dishes but then i kept putting it off. so it's kinda a big deal cuz i am almost done. lol. but anyway. i am pretty proud of myself for that one. i need to clean the rest of the place up though so i can have that done by wednesday when he comes to pick me up. ya know that way i can come home on sunday to a nice clean house. and hopefully some interviews but i probably wont hear back from the places that soon. i know most are waiting 2 or 3 weeks to start that stuff. but hopefully soon so then i can get to work on shopping. lol. i mean saving. i am pretty bored right now. i have tons of stuff to do but i have about zero energy. oh well i guess i will get busy cuz i really dont have anything else to type.