i was going through the pics on my digital camera and i came across one of kyle. now the reason i didnt erase this one earlier is because it would be gone forever if i did. well it's gone now. i feel like shit though. not because i deleted it. but because i still dont know how someone can care for someone for 6 yrs and then ignore them when they try to talk to them. i mean what kind of person does that. what if i really needed someone at that moment. and he wasnt there. i mean how can you just not reply to an email. wasnt he curious to know how i was doing. how could he not care how i was doing. sometimes i do wonder what makes me unloveable. ya know. if i knew i could fix it. or at least decide if i wanted to fix it or if it was their problem. how is it that he can just put me off to the side. how is it that he doesnt think about me or wonder how i am doing. maybe it's a guy thing. i know it is probably for the best. i mean i dont want to hear about britney. but i want to know how he cant love me any more. i never did anything to him. i mean even as just a friend how can he not love me. how is it that i am so replaceable. so forgettable. so easily put aside. what is it about me that let's people not care. that makes it ok for them to get rid of me. i feel like it's me against the world. it probably has alot to do with the fact that it is hard for me to let people in but they always leave. i mean how am i supposed to bare my soul and my feelings and thoughts to someone i know isnt paying attention. who doesnt really care what i say. who is just going to forget the words that are coming out of my mouth before they have even reached my tongue. to someone who is only pretending to listen. my dr. doesnt even listen and i pay him to listen. he thinks he has done his job because i am out of that relationship but what about the other areas of my life. what about my mom. we barely ever talked about her. what about my ennui with life. i want to enjoy life. i hate the thought of work. i am a spoiled brat i admit but the thought of wasting my life day after day in some stupid job that doesnt mean shit just to get some money that doesnt mean shit. for what. when i have money. i want to see the world. i want to do things that are once in a life time experiences. i want more out of life than to just sit behind some desk or wait tables. it's fine for some people and i know that is probably what i will end up doing but it's just sad. there's so much beauty out there and i feel like i will never get to see it. maybe it is from my mom and dad both dying young but i feel like i wont get to live. like i am not living now and that it will be too late. who knows maybe i will live to be a hundred. i know i need to work to get money for all the things i want to do. but like i said i dont want to do some meaningless job. i want the best out of life. and not material things either. i want adventures. see i wouldnt mind working my way around the world. just taking off and going to a place and working there long enough to move to the next place. or back packing somewhere. i dont know maybe i was a nomad in another life. a gypsy. i love chicago. that's in my heart. but it seems that so much of my life has been hard or depressing or tiring. i feel about 100 sometimes. most of the time. all i want to do is have fun. do things that take my breath away and make my eyes big, make me realize that there is so much out there and that it's not all bad and that beautiful things last too. and realize that i am just a small part of what is out there. i feel tired. i need something to make me feel alive. alright well i am done feeling sorry for myself i think i am going to climb into bed and read.