I am a dumb ass. I made the mistake of looking see if Keith was back on the personals and he is. Shit just started going through my head and now I feel sick. Glad to know what a fucking liar he is. I hate him.

Just worked out. Marisa and I did this 30 minute routine from Carmen Electra's Fit to Strip tape. Ohmigod! From all the moaning and grunting that was going on in here my neighbors are so going to think we are lesbians! It was fun though, and my ass is going to look awesome in a couple of weeks! Woo-hoo! It works every place that I need worked, the ass, the abs, and the chest. Gotta jump in the shower and then have Jamie come get me

Jamie and Marisa 

Ralph and Rashid 

Me and Marisa chillin at Subterreanian 

I have been pretty busy this weekend. Picked up Marisa on Friday, went to see Ralph's band. His band is so freakin awesome!!! Rashid, the guitarist, rocks the shit out of his guitar. He is so entertaining to watch. It's just an awesome band. Marisa and I found a couch, it's in perfect condition.

Marisa met a guy at Subterrean, where we went to see Burning Autumn. We found out that he has a swastika tatoo behind his ear. I became worried by this because I don't want my friend dating a potential sociopath and I sure as hell don't want a sociopath to know where I live, especially because he could easily get into my building. I told her to ask him about it. At first she didn't want to because she didn't know how to bring it up. I told her that I would give him a fair shot if he gave her a reasonable explanation for the tatoo (it is really old) I am just offended by that. The person I respect the most in the world and who is a parental figure to me is Jewish. That symbol represents the torturing of millions of men, women and children, and old people and it's a low point in human history. Someone really has to believe strongly about something to tatoo it on their bodies. He said it was because he got wasted and he is a recovering alcoholic. Now my question is since it is old, why the hell isn't it removed or covered. It's tiny and could easily and cheaply be covered. I did not want her to give out my apartment number to him because she just met him Friday. If he really does want to get it removed and it was just something he did that was stupid fine, but I still don't want him knowing my apartment number until I have decided that he is not going to come kicking in my door w/ a machete, which I would do even if he didn't have a swastika on his head. But Jamie and Marisa were acting like I was a judgemental bitch for questioning it and being concerned. I think they are crazy for not being more concerned!!!!!!!

I am doing bad at work, I think I am going to get fired. lol.

I am so pissed. I hate Keith. I hate him so much. The only positive thing he brought into my life was the knowledge of great sex. Frankly I could live w/o that knowledge at the moment. He just brought lies and bullshit and pain and I wish I could hurt him as much as he is hurting me. That is what really kills me about both Kyle and Keith. There is no way that I can hurt them. They hurt me so bad I can't breath, I can't move and I can't get over it, and I can't do anything to them, I can't touch them. They don't care the least bit about me or how much they hurt me. They can just forget all about me and move on, and I can't. They come in w/ all these promises that they never intended to keep and it doesn't phase them cuz they just move onto the next. I hate that I can be as happy as I have been since before my mom died for the longest amount of time (a whole 2 and a half weeks, not counting the 2 days of vacation that I was upset about stuff) and out of no where I am miserable because of someone I was w/ for less than a yr, who doesn't give me the time of day. I am blindsided by these random thoughts that I can't get control of. I am pissed at my mom too. Maybe if she would have loved me I would be able to get over people rejecting me. But the list of what if's goes on for miles. Since I got this plan on how to get my money in order I have been so happy. It gave me my future back. It made me feel like I had a future and that I could still do something w/ my life. I can handle have my fair share of shit dumped on me from life, but I am so fucked up that it's one thing after another. Not only do I have to deal w/ stuff that I can't control, like my parents dying, etc, but I have to survive my own mind too. My own issues are dragging me down w/ the rest of the world. Alright fuck this, I am meeting Marisa in the morning and I am sure I will be in an awesome mood. I just need to keep repeating Swishy McJackass and all will be well again.

I got my groceries!! That is so awesome I am going to do it all the time. My freezer is stuffed to the brim, I litterally have no room in it. Plus the delivery guy was really cool.
I started cleaning out my apartment too, trying to make room for Marisa.
Ok, I know I watch alot of tv lately, and a lot of stupid shows crack me up, but the king show of cracking my ass up, is The Surreal life. Mark got me hooked this season, and it is fucked up. Have you seen China lately? That girl is the most fucked up looking chic now, I mean before she looked like a man, but now there is no description. Heebee-jeebees. The Brady is pretty cute though. lol. Oh, my gut hurts from laughing so hard. When else would you seen Vern Troyer peeing in a corner. Minime will never look the same to me again. lol Ah celebrity poker it is...

I was browsing at www.goodvibes.com and I came across an instructional DVD on spanking. Add the Doorjam handcuffs and I think I've found someone's Valentine's day present!

Am I the only one who sees Kelly Clarkson in her video for Since you've been gone, and wants to jump her bones? She is hot.

I got my first Star Card at work today. At the end of the month HR takes the star cards that have been turned in and they draw one out of a hat and who ever it is gets a prize or something. Employees earn star cards by going above and beyond their job. I have 3, that's right count em THREE letters down on the board that's in the basement saying how awesome I am. THREE! You know you want me. lol.

I am watching I love the 90's part deux (yes I know I have no life) They are talking about Riverdance and the Lord of the Dance and all I can think is the sketch on Saturday Night Live, where the call him Swishy McJackass, and it cracks my shit up. Seriously say it out loud, just once. Or better yet, out of no where, call someone Swishy McJackass. If I can get through it, I plan on answering the phone by saying "Hey Swishy McJackass" the next time Jamie calls. OR a telemarketer. Anyway it's getting old now.

My bed is damn sexy, the only bad thing is this cover is kinda heavy so if I am under the cover, I can't really move. lol

Since I have been putting some pretty personal stuff on here that I wanted to keep private I asked Keith not to read my journal any more. I wrongly assumed that since we weren't dating he would respect my privacy and that he was bored w/ it any way and wouldn't care. I didn't want him reading it because I don't want him and who ever he is fucking now and all his friends laughing at me. Of course he read it and now I feel stupid. I shouldn't have said anything but I was afraid that he would read it if I didn't and like I said I thought maybe if I asked him not to read it he wouldn't. Oh well it doesn't matter, eventually I will be completely over him and I won't give a rat's ass. I better get to bed, lucky me gets the morning shift tomorrow. Woo-hoo.

I am so lazy! Lol. I slept til 1130, and now I am just laying in bed watching t.v. I am watching Real World Road Rules Challenge. This show cracks me up. They act like it's their whole world and it's just a t.v. show. Like this one guy said he would throw the mission and go home so the guys would have a better team to beat the chicks, well once he goes home it's over for him. He won't win prizes or anything, he gets nothing for going home now. I would love to be on the guys team though. That would kick ass, they don't bitch fight, and they come up w/ these insane strategies to kick the girls asses. It's hilarious.

I am so excited about Marisa moving up here! It's not going to be easy, but I will be saving 200 bucks a month, and Marisa will be here! Yea!

Damn I have to clean lol. Remind me never to take a week off of work again, I am so sore I could barely move when I woke up.

Rachel has been promoted to Assistant Front Office Manager. I wonder how long this will last. At least as long as Dan is the manager I guess. They are not going to do jack shit now. I found out Sharonjoy wanted the job!! I can not fucking believe she didn't get it. Margo thinks it's because Sharonjoy is too loyal and they know she wouldn't quit. I think it's because Dan knows Sharonjoy is awesome and her hardwork and awesome ability at that job would highlight how much of a slack ass Dan is and she would have his job. Who cares if Rachel would quit if she didn't get it. It's not like that would be a bad thing for the other front desk agents. I like talking to Rachel, she is pretty funny and we have a good time together, or at least we have the last month when she has been out at the desk and not in the back slacking off and letting me do all the work. Dan said he promoted her because she showed leadership skills. Load of shit. And now I am working days still even though I asked for nights and mids. Oh well hopefully it will be a minor annoyance and not a pain in my ass. The only reason it even bugs me is because Sharonjoy would be so awesome to work for. I am not saying that cuz we are friends and I think I could get away w/ stuff. Sharonjoy doesn't let me get away w/ anything now, if I would even try, which I wouldn't no matter who was my boss. If I fuck something up Sharonjoy lets me know, and she doesn't in a good way. Anyway

I worked w/ Margo for a little bit and Ralph today. That was fun. I was in such a shitty mood when I left for work because I was tired and I had awful cramps but once I got to work I cheered up pretty fast.

I am sitting here naked in the dark. I put up my black out curtains (on a curtain rod so I know they won't fall down this time) and I plan on sleeping sooo freakin good. I am relishing the darkness of this room. It's a not-so guilty pleasure I have not been able to enjoy in such a long time (It's all about the simple things, lol) I get my duvet cover tomorrow. Go me. I ordered my groceries at work, and I ordered my CTA card so I can ride the train and save over 25 bucks a month. I also ordered Yourself Fitness on PS2 which comes out in early Feb. Tomorrow after I clean I am going to set out a work out schedule and then I am going to see what else I have to do to set up my bills. I asked comcast today how to set that up and they are mailing me the form to do it, but by the time I get it set up I am going to cancel the service anyway. Then I will only have my phone bill and my rent as bills, and then I need to open up an IRA and in March I will start saving to open up a few CD's and all my other savings accounts. I can not wait until my bills are paid off!

Right now I feel pretty good about almost everything. I know even though I see flaws w/ my body, as long as I work on them, I am fine w/ them. I have had enough validation that I am attractive, I am tired of thinking about how I look all the time, I feel so motivated that I have started to get my finances together, I am making friends and I love the people I work w/. I know that I am not going to find the person I am going to spend the rest of my life w/ right now and that's ok. I knew that before but I was still hoping anyway that I would. I know I need to find my self-worth and self-respect before that happens, and I am on my way to doing that. I think once I get serious about school again, and start hanging out w/ my friends more and see my savings build up, and see the results of keeping up w/ exercise and healthy eating and just having my shit together the self-worth will happen

Tomorrow I plan on watching Mystery Science Theater 3000, finishing my dirty book, doing all of the things mentioned above, and then being lazy until bedtime at 9 because I have to work at 7 Wednesday morning.
Oh yeah, I got my insurance packet today! Woo hoo!

Some of the reasons I deserve to be treated right

To boost my self-image I am going to list the things that I have been through(survived), achieved, etc. Please excuse me while I blow my own horn and pat myself on the back. lol

• Coping w/ death of parents
• Trying to cope w/ rejection from the majority of people in my life, including my mom
• Started seeing a Doctor on my own when I realized I was not the person I wanted to be and something needed to change (best decision I ever made)
• Moved to Chicago w/o knowing 1 person here
• Fought my way back into Central H.S. after being kicked out for a lame ass reason on my 16th birthday.
• Got my 16th birthday present stolen from me by a "family friend"
• Asserted myself and got into the Art Instruction Schools
• Even though I missed alot of school and failed a class or 2 I graduated H.S. w/ a 3.85 GPA out of 4.0
• Bought a house at 19, lost house and got evicted from an apartment before 23
• Got dumped for a 16 yr old by my boyfriend of 6 yrs
• Got dumped by Keith, even though I dumped him
• Been pretty much penniless on a few occasions
• I am a great artist
• I am smart
• I gained and lost 55 lbs!!
• I love my friends and family unconditionally
• I love making other people happy
• I do a hell of a job at typing
• I am honest, loyal, open, caring, loving, nurturing, funny, stubborn, soft, strong, easy to please

I'm back! You know you missed me!

Oh so much to say and so little time. I am freakin exhausted! I feel like I didn't take a break at all. I was fine the first few days, but by Friday I was so uptight and anxious and worried about seeing Kyle and then my Grandma and Harry started their crap because I wanted to hang out w/ my niece and not be stuck in that small house filled w/ cheap, rank, cigar smoke, listening to my Grandma talk to her dog about everything and then listening to her repeat it all later. My Aunt didn't even come over on Sunday to see me (the second time she has done that when I was down) If I wouldn't have gone to see her I wouldn't have seen her at all. Eric didn't come see me at all even though Johnny asked him to come to the mall w/ us. Ok maybe I am a little more bitter than what I thought I was, but it's getting close to time for me to get ready for work and I just want to relax. Plus on the train ride I went from thinking about Kyle to thinking about Keith. I want to have sex w/ Keith so freakin bad right now, and I feel like the biggest asshole in the world because Jamie is so nice and treats me so great. I feel like I deserve all the bad shit that has ever happened to me because I am such a dick. Jamie even brought me a flower to cheer me up when he came to get me. Just call me Benedict Arnold cuz I am a fucking traitor! I feel so guilty! I think I am going to have to just chalk it up to stress, PMS, being tired and hungry, and not being able to touch myself for 6 days.

I think I really impressed my Dr when I went to see him. I told him about this charity that I read about in O magazine about the women that are going through so much shit because of the genocides in Rwanda and the Congo and how the ones that have survived the rapings and being abondoned by their asshole husbands that just ran out the back door instead of protecting their wives and children are trying to start over and give meaning to their lives by helping out other survivors and talking about it. It's really amazing what these women survived. I am going to sponsor one of the women and my Doc said that it was putting my money where my mouth was. I was telling him I wanted to be more independent and stronger and I am going to help other women do the same. I didn't think of it like that before he said it. I was just pissed because of what was happening to these women. He also said that the reason I still feel stuff for Keith is because of my "rejection issues" lol. Because I need people who have rejected me to like me. It's more than that though. I was mad at Kyle and hated him, but I didn't want to be back w/ him. I do in a way, but not really. Maybe I just think I want to be w/ Keith too but I don't. I don't know. I know neither one of us are good for each other. I know he is not the type of guy I want to be w/, and all the stuff from the previous post, but dammit I want the sex! lol, and I really miss him. I do know that I need to be more comfortable w/ myself before I can have sex w/ any body again though. I have also decided that I have worried about the outside of myself for way too long and I need to get back to working on the inside. I have put so much stock, subconciously, on my weight that it seems that what I look like is the only thing that matters and I need to get back to how I was before I gained weight and remeber it's what's on the inside. Easier said than done though. I am still going to work out and eat right, but I just have to stop letting my body rule my self-worth. Ok enough of this crap, I am tired and have alot of shit to do around the apartment before I can leave for work. I will try to post more later about what's going on at work and everything else.

I got a raise! It's only $ .33, a total of 26 dollars per pay period, after taxes it will probably be about 6 bucks but that's 6 more dollars to invest into my house. Go me.

Marisa might be moving in w/ me. I would be so excited. I know all the reasons it might be a bad idea, but I don't care I want Marisa to move in w/ me! Slumber party!! lol. I am a nerd. It might suck because if I work mornings that's going to be hard for her since I have to be in bed by 9. We will see.

I just set up a savings account on INGdirect that will automatically w/d 300 a month, and I set up an account at www.treasurydirect.gov to buy EE bonds to put my money in since I don't get a 401k until I have been here a yr. The bastards.

On my way home I am going to write up a list of everything I need to do when I get home and I am going to map it out and when I get home I am going to do it. So in 2 weeks I will be set and on my way to buying a house. Woohoo!!

Marisa said something about chipping in. Now the friend in me wants to say no, but then that would be extra money to pay my bills and to save. lol. I am turning into a monster!

I am going home tomorrow!!! I probably won't be able to update at all considering my Gram's is still in 1992, lol, but I might go to my Aunt's or Cheryl's if I need a quick fix. lol

I am so excited to not have to worry about money, to be able to save and to pay my bills at the same time, what a freakin load off. It kinda makes me want to yell like Howard Dean. LOL

Because I was smart and put a little bit of money away in a 9 month cd I have money to buy presents for people w/o breaking my bank, and still being able to pay my Dr. bill from Dr. A. That makes me happy. Plus by the time I get back I will have gotten my check from work so I am set, I can have money for Dr. A. and have some money to pay my grandma for the storage shed and I will have gas money and all that and still be able to buy presents for everyone. I am pretty excited. I am kinda starting to look forward to going home. I have an appointment w/ my Dr, which makes me very happy. Plus I will get to see everyone. I am also excited about my future. I haven't really been excited about it in awhile. I just feel like I am in control of something (money) that has bothered me so much in the past. I can not wait to get everything on automatic bill pay!!

I am kicking myself right now for fucking up my credit so bad. I already was kicking myself but now it's like damn!!! But oh well I can't do anything now, I just have to work w/ what I have. I think in the next 3 yrs I really could own a house, not to mention have a hell of alot of other money saved up too. I really would like to have my house very close to being paid off by the time I am 30 so I can get at least one other property and then a vacation property. However these are long term goals. I really need to look at the little things I am going to do when I get back from my Gram's to start the process. Tomorrow I am signing up for my 401k and when I get home from vac. I am going to open a money market account. I am pretty excited. Even though I still have a few bills to pay at least I am working on it and I will be saving some money at the same time. I cannot wait til there is no more debt!! At least I don't have credit card debt. When I don't have any more bills to pay I will be so freakin happy that I won't know what to do w/ myself. At least w/ a plan I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. By the time I get back from vacation I am going to have the whole thing mapped out.
I am going to be a millionaire.

On a different note I finally bought new pants yesterday. I am waiting til I go home to wear them though. I still don't want to throw out the other ones. lol


Here is my new duvet cover! I am so excited because I am actually going to put the time and effort to make this apartment a home, that way I don't feel bad when it seems like forever until I can get my house, and so I just feel good about the space that I inhabit. I am going to take pics of my apartment now and then after I get it all done.

Every one is making fun of Ralph because they think there's something going on or that he likes me or something like that just because he compliments me and goes to lunch w/ me (and Mark) He's just a nice guy. He compliments Jennifer too. It's still kinda funny though. lol.

I am trying to think up something good and interesting to talk about but really there is nothing interesting going on in my life. Except the impending state of my finances. I am trying to change my life one step at a time. I am kind of sick of being me. I am sick of all the baggage and crap that buzzes in my head and fucks me up. I guess I am also trying to find out who I am and learn how to respect myself and set boundries.


Ok my main problem w/ my relationship w/ Keith is that (and if this offends you Keith I am sorry but this is my perception of our relationship, I am not saying you don't care about me or that you aren't sorry for what happened and all that, this is all me and no longer has anything to do w/ you other than the fact that my feelings and whatnot happen to be about you. It's all in my head) I hate that I let myself be treated that way, and he's not the first guy to treat me that way either, or a similar shitty way. I hate that I let him do that to me, I hate that I was so attached and in love w/ him that I lost myself and shrunk back and didn't put my foot down alot sooner and say that I deserved better than that. I hate that I was so worried about not being w/ him and that I wasn't good enough for him that I didn't think about what was good enough for me. I hate it SO much. I also hate that I still want to be w/ him. I hate that even though I see things a little differently now and realize that neither one of us want what the other one does, or that he doesn't love me and he's not interested in being w/ me at all, and that he is probably the furthest type of guy that I want in some regards that I still want to be w/ him. I don't understand what the hell is wrong w/ me. It drives me nuts that I can't get it through my head that he does not want to be w/ me, not because I am vain, but because I want to be w/ him so bad. BBLLAAAHHHH!! I just need a break from dating period I think. Otherwise I will just keep getting more fucked up and never get level-headed about guys. It's hard to be level-headed and a romantic at the same time.

I have been having a slight problem lately. I am embarrased to admit it. I still miss Keith. I really wish I didn't. It would make my life just a bit easier. Sometimes a small part of me still wants to be w/ Kyle, but then the rest of me kicks the shit out of that part until it crawls back into the dark recess of my subconscious where it came from, but we were together for 6 yrs, and I never really wanted to be back w/ him it was just temporary insanity. It's been almost 3 months since me and Keith broke up, we only went out for like 9 months, technically it was 5 since we took a break in July. I can't explain it. I know I shouldn't be missing him. I know that there are certain things about him and certain things about me that just don't go together. I shouldn't be w/ any one right now, let alone wanting to be w/ someone who isn't right for me. I don't know what the hell is wrong w/ me. I just need to work on me I guess and not deal w/ guys at all. But then again I think I have been saying that for awhile. I am sure tomorrow I will be fine and it won't matter any more and eventually I will just get over it. It just sucks until then.

I got my debit card in the mail today!! Yea me! I bought my tickets to go home on line, and then I bought a new duvet cover set. It's awesome! Chocolate brown suede! My bed is gonna be sweet! I also finally broke down and bought a new pair of pants from the thrift store and a couple of fitted white t-shirts. Oh yeah it was a day to spoil myself. lol. I do feel spoiled w/ my new duvet cover on the way.

I went and bought a book called The Automatic Millionare. The main point is that if you put all your bills on automatic bill payment, and the automatic 401k deposits and just make everything automatic, so you don't have to worry about anything and you don't have to worry about self-discipline or willpower. I was already setting that up. So I am almost there. I am so going to buy a house in a few yrs!

Also when the weather gets warm I can ride my bike right down the lake and get to work and save 100 bucks a month on CTA! That will be around $700 a yr! I was already going to save 7200 and now I will be able to save 7900 a yr!!! Plus I am sure I will be able to cut back in a few more places. Except my apartment. I will spend money on that because I am so sick of not have a nice place to call home.
Although on the otherside of saving money, one thing I am seriously thinking about doing is having my groceries delivered. At least the heavy ones that I can get a months worth at a time. (Delivery is cheaper that way) It will save me so much time in the grocery store (I could shop for groceries at work when we are slow) Plus spending all that time getting the groceries, then I could just pop by the grocery store to pick up fresh fruits and vegitables once or twice a week because I won't need to take my cart and then I will be able to stop by the store on my way home instead of going home grabbing the cart and then going back to the store. $100 of groceries is $6 to deliver. If I get a months worth of stuff at once that is not that big of a deal and I will have food so I won't need to worry about eating out all the time and making excuses to just go to the diner across the street for some food. So it would actually save me money in the long run and stop me from gaining any weight back. Technically it just might save me a butt load of money if it stops me from going to the diner so much and out to eat at work and all that. Damn I am a genius. lol.

In April I am also canceling my cable. I am gonna be ballin once I get my bills paid off.

It's ALIVE!!!!!

My computer is back!!! Yea!


There's so much crap I need to post about... where to start?


I am pretty mad at Jamie right now. Probably more than I should be, but he came between me and my computer. lol. I am not a patient person. At all. I am trying to get better though. For as long as my computer was broken I was not thinking about it, or whining about it, or even worrying about it. I just didn't dwell because I knew I would get impatient and just want my damn computer back and there was nothing I could do to get it back. Yesterday Ross told me what power supply I needed to get and I picked it up. I asked Jamie to call me to let me know if he was going to be able to drop it off or not so I could pick it up if he wasn't going to be able to. Well he never called. For those of you not in Chicago it was 50 degrees here yesterday. Kinda of gloomy, but still nice temp. Today, not so much. 30 degrees and snowing. I had planned on getting my computer last night and just relaxing in bed all day messing around on my computer w/ stuff that I hadn't been able to do w/ out it, for instance, my budget, the sims, my diet and exercise file, messenger, etc. That didn't happen. Not putting out is one thing, not putting out and not calling so I can pick up my computer is a whole other story. Especially for a girl that only needs 4 things to keep her happy and those are 2 of them. Then he thought I was mad because he told me that he saw a picture of the girl Ross was going to set him up w/ and he told me that she was "alright." Well she's beautiful, and really sweet. (I have had lunch w/ her and Ross a few times) I could have cared less about that. Then he said that he thought I was mad because he was not telling the truth. I knew he thought she was cute just from the way he tried saying she wasn't, but I didn't care. But since he considers that he was lying to me, then he was doing something he thought was wrong, but he did it any way. He called twice already, the first time I wasn't here and he left a message and he apologized, but he was laughing and making a joke about it all, and considering I really was mad about the computer stuff I didn't feel like hearing that, and then he called back, but I didn't answer. I talked to him after I got back w/ my computer. He tried telling me that he didn't think my email yesterday was bitchy, but he told Ross that it was. He wants me to go to a party w/ him tonight but I don't feel like it.

The other night I woke up twice because I need to get some. I was going to call Jamie but I had to get up at 5 to work. Ross thinks I need to put viagra in his food and then just climb on top. lol. That cracks me up. Actually though, I am glad we haven't had sex. I told him that the other night. Actually I also told him he should go out w/ Mandy, the woman Ross wanted to set him up w/ that night too. I think I would feel really awful if we had sex and then we broke up and I know I am going to need to be by myself for awhile sometime in the future and I just don't want to mess w/ his head or put him through something he doesn't need to go through.

There's a new girl at work. She is really sweet and since she worked at a hotel before, she caught on w/ everything really fast. I was worried about who was going to be hired and if I was going to like working w/ them. I am so happy that they hired Jennifer.

Ralph also noticed I got my hair dyed, and he had no idea I was going to get it dyed in the first place. What the hell is wrong w/ these women?

Good Lord!

I had to stay home from work because I had strep throat!! Oh yeah that's right third time sick in 2 months. I am just a melting pot of festering germs. LOL. So I laid around for 5 days w/o a computer. Although I cleaned yesterday. Which I have discovered I am officially allergic to cleaning. I shit you not. I was sneezing all day yesterday and today my eyes are still itching and it's just awful. lol, what the hell is wrong w/ me?!! See now I really do have a reason to get a maid. Ross understands. lol.

Jamie gave me my xmas present yesterday. Chocolate covered strawberries (yum) and smugglers run! How cool is that?! I kicked his ass all over the place. This morning he made me so mad though. I wanted to go to Ann Sathers cuz we still haven't gone and I thought it would be nice. He didn't want to get out of bed and by this point I was hungry. He could have stayed in bed and slept, I didn't care, but he got up and was so crabby. I just wanted to have a nice breakfast w/ him before work. We were walking to another diner because we didn't have time to go to Ann Sather's any more, and he snapped "Were is it? I have to go to work!" We had to be at work at the same time and I was going to pay for a cab to the train station since he was already crabby.

On another note...Ralph is hot. lol. Damn I am retarded. He told me that most girls only like him cuz he's in a band or they just want to sleep w/ him. Let me just say that girls are freakin retarded and some days I feel sorry for guys, at least on the days that I am not pissed at all of them. lol. Seriously though, I thought he was cute the first time I saw him, but his attitude and how down to earth he is and all that is why I think he is hot. Not to mention that he is buff. Yeah so I drool a bit, but it's ok. Anyway.... I really like working w/ him because we just get along great and he's fun. He told me he had a dirty dream about me. He said I was evil in it, which I took to mean that I was killing people or something like that, but I was just trying to seduce him. Not a bad thought. He has a girlfriend though, and I have Jamie, so no going there. I really respect him and we have alot of fun working together. He has a really awesome personality. (oh and he waited 15 minutes for me to come to work so he could say hi, how sweet is that?)

Marisa FINALLY called me! I am trying to get her to come work at the hotel. I really hope she does, even if it's only for a month.

I think I need to be by myself for awhile. The only downside to that is it's hard to find anyone to hang out w/ and do stuff w/ and all that. I really care about Jamie, but I don't want to screw him up for life cuz I am crazy. lol. I am so insane.

Yesterday I went home early, I mean on time. I was going to stay late but my body hurt so bad I couldn't so I asked Dan if I could leave and he told me Margo was coming in at 3 anyway. Today there's a meeting at 3 so I will be here late again and Margo just called off again. I finally got a Dr. appointment for the 27th of this month. I still won't be able to get tested for adrenal fatigue because they don't do that at my Dr.'s office. Oh yeah, tomorrow my insurance kicks in!!!! HAHAHAHA! I will never get sick again, or at least until I quit and my insurance ends. lol. All the germs will be like,"oh no she can get medicine now, we will leave her alone." lol. bastards.
Yesterday Ralph was singing for me and he is sooo good. I love his voice, he is the lead singer for Burning Autumn.

Today I can switch banks!!! Yea! My check finally freakin came in yesterday so I get to stop by after work and get some money. I would see if Jamie wants to go out to dinner w/ me tonight but that would mean I would have to call him and yesterday he told me that he would call me later and never did (It's the second time in a row he has done that) I feel kind of silly, like I am playing a game, but I am trying to just set standards for how I want to be treated, and I guess I just don't know how to go about it. It's fine if he got busy and stuff but the last time he did that he didn't call me the next day at all either. If you don't want to call me back don't tell me you will. It's that simple, or just call me the next day or when ever you remember and just say damn, I'm sorry I got busy and forgot about you.

Although Johnny called me last night. He woke me up, but that's ok, who thinks a 22 yr old is in bed before 9 o'clock? He wanted to know if a lizard store was by me so when he comes up we can go to it. It was funny because he said I love you before we hung up. Me and my brothers are really goofy when it comes to telling each other "I love you" We either don't say it or we have to be silly about it and say it in a funny voice or something. It's weird but we just don't say it so when we do we can't be serious about it, I think that it would just be too emotional. I called Eric the other day and left a message for him. I told him I missed him and I even said that silly. We're dysfunctional, it's ok.

Keith called me last night too. We talked for awhile. He is taking his son snowboarding. I really want to learn how to snowboard. That would be so cool, but I doubt I will get to because my schedule is so screwed up. Unless I am working a morning shift and he calls me at work, and then I can hop on a train. But still how am I gonna get home? I would be tired the next day but oh well. It doesn't really matter. I would rather be tired and have fun than miss out because I didn't want to be tired the next day. Especially since I wear myself out for overtime. It's all good though. I doubt it will happen anyway.

Did I mention me and Jamie went out to dinner w/ Kenny before he left for San Diego? We had fun. Now that I think back on it though, it should have been way more akward than what it was.

I am getting my Aunt and Grandma weekend stays at the hotel for xmas. That seems egotistical to me. It seems like I am giving them a picture of myself. LOL. Here come and see me for your xmas present. LOL. Oh well, that's what they are getting.

I actually found a couple of bucks in my uniform coat. Nice, once my check comes in I find money. lol. I could of used it yesterday, but that's ok. Money is money.

There's a photoshoot going on in our hotel right now. It's pretty funny cuz they asked Ralph, the new bellman, if he wanted to be in it and now he's over there. It's funny because yesterday we were talking and he was saying how he hated people staring at him and I said it was because he was attractive and he got all embarassed and now he is being a model. lol. There are a couple of models swarming over the place. Dan said I could go and do it but I was like "yeah right" I have barely had any sleep all weekend and I took a bath last night and didn't take a shower when I got up, let alone put on makeup. I think not.

Damn I was going to say something else, but I forgot.

Getting Pissed

Great Margo just called off, so that means I am here all by myself today and I have to stay until 4 because that's when Sean comes in. I wanted to go home early, but now I have to stay late again. I am not staying late. I don't care that it's only a half an hour. Technically it will be an hour because I won't even be able to count my bank until 4 and that will take me half an hour. What the hell!!! Rachel and I are the only ones actually freakin working!!!

Here's an embarassing story......

Last night I asked for a robe and slippers to be sent to my room... I did not get my robe and slippers. I thought to myself it's ok, I have a wake up call and I will be able to throw my uniform on to get the door when room service gets here w/ my breakfast. Fast forward to 6 o'clock and there's a knock at my door "room service." My eyes pop open and I jump out of bed, run to the bathroom and grab a towel, throw it on and open the door. The guy comes in and sets the tray down and has me sign the paper and then.... he starts talking to me!! He's like "so you work last night?".... and he was trying to make conversation. I was huddled against the wall between the wall and bed trying to make myself blend in and look as uncomfortable as possible so he would get the hint. I was thinking, dude, I work w/ you. I will see you in 1 hour, get out of my room. The towel wasn't all that big.

I normally am not the type of person to have nightmares. At least not alot of them. Now however I have nightmares about work and I have been having a recurring nightmare about being trapped in an elevator that is out of control and it is going up and down really fast and I can't get it to stop and it's just really terrifying. Sometimes it's the elevator at work, sometimes the shitty one in my apartment building that electrocutes me every other time I get in it. The elevator one really scares me. I have a feeling it's a warning about something, but I have no idea what it means!! It's getting up there w/ my biggest fears (tornados and jelly fish...heebeejeebees) Yea! Sharonjoy is coming, have I mentioned lately how much I love her?!!!!

Our hotel had one of the biggest parties last night, 15 dj's and an open bar for 5 hours. People were waiting in line to have sex in the stair well!! lol. We had a girl pass out in the bathroom, people lost cell phones all over the place! It was nuts. A fire extinguisher went off on the 9th floor. It was insane

So Sean at the front desk called off work today, he was the only one scheduled. And Kelauna from pbx called off and so I got a room at 3:30 took a nap and a shower, got some free food in the cafeteria, and I am now back at work until 1130. Then back to my room I go. Gotta love the OT!

Alright since I worked 11 hours yesterday, ate dinner and got home just in time to fall into bed (literally) I am going to post an entry today. Not to mention that yesterday was just the beginning of my work week.

I found out on Thursday that a kid I grew up w/ killed himself. It makes me pretty mad. It was over an arguement w/ his grandparents.

Katisha is not working here any more. Although we are going shopping on the 6th that will probably be the last time I see her, at least for a long time. Kenny is leaving for San Diego today, but I am going to go and visit him in a couple of months.

There's a new bellman at work. His name is Ralph. He's pretty cool. I can't wait until we get some new employees at the front desk.

I need a way to supplement my income. It seems that even though I am now getting twice what I was before I got a job, it's still not enough, . I need to make some money so bad!!! I need some ideas.