I'm back! You know you missed me!

Oh so much to say and so little time. I am freakin exhausted! I feel like I didn't take a break at all. I was fine the first few days, but by Friday I was so uptight and anxious and worried about seeing Kyle and then my Grandma and Harry started their crap because I wanted to hang out w/ my niece and not be stuck in that small house filled w/ cheap, rank, cigar smoke, listening to my Grandma talk to her dog about everything and then listening to her repeat it all later. My Aunt didn't even come over on Sunday to see me (the second time she has done that when I was down) If I wouldn't have gone to see her I wouldn't have seen her at all. Eric didn't come see me at all even though Johnny asked him to come to the mall w/ us. Ok maybe I am a little more bitter than what I thought I was, but it's getting close to time for me to get ready for work and I just want to relax. Plus on the train ride I went from thinking about Kyle to thinking about Keith. I want to have sex w/ Keith so freakin bad right now, and I feel like the biggest asshole in the world because Jamie is so nice and treats me so great. I feel like I deserve all the bad shit that has ever happened to me because I am such a dick. Jamie even brought me a flower to cheer me up when he came to get me. Just call me Benedict Arnold cuz I am a fucking traitor! I feel so guilty! I think I am going to have to just chalk it up to stress, PMS, being tired and hungry, and not being able to touch myself for 6 days.

I think I really impressed my Dr when I went to see him. I told him about this charity that I read about in O magazine about the women that are going through so much shit because of the genocides in Rwanda and the Congo and how the ones that have survived the rapings and being abondoned by their asshole husbands that just ran out the back door instead of protecting their wives and children are trying to start over and give meaning to their lives by helping out other survivors and talking about it. It's really amazing what these women survived. I am going to sponsor one of the women and my Doc said that it was putting my money where my mouth was. I was telling him I wanted to be more independent and stronger and I am going to help other women do the same. I didn't think of it like that before he said it. I was just pissed because of what was happening to these women. He also said that the reason I still feel stuff for Keith is because of my "rejection issues" lol. Because I need people who have rejected me to like me. It's more than that though. I was mad at Kyle and hated him, but I didn't want to be back w/ him. I do in a way, but not really. Maybe I just think I want to be w/ Keith too but I don't. I don't know. I know neither one of us are good for each other. I know he is not the type of guy I want to be w/, and all the stuff from the previous post, but dammit I want the sex! lol, and I really miss him. I do know that I need to be more comfortable w/ myself before I can have sex w/ any body again though. I have also decided that I have worried about the outside of myself for way too long and I need to get back to working on the inside. I have put so much stock, subconciously, on my weight that it seems that what I look like is the only thing that matters and I need to get back to how I was before I gained weight and remeber it's what's on the inside. Easier said than done though. I am still going to work out and eat right, but I just have to stop letting my body rule my self-worth. Ok enough of this crap, I am tired and have alot of shit to do around the apartment before I can leave for work. I will try to post more later about what's going on at work and everything else.