I am so pissed. I hate Keith. I hate him so much. The only positive thing he brought into my life was the knowledge of great sex. Frankly I could live w/o that knowledge at the moment. He just brought lies and bullshit and pain and I wish I could hurt him as much as he is hurting me. That is what really kills me about both Kyle and Keith. There is no way that I can hurt them. They hurt me so bad I can't breath, I can't move and I can't get over it, and I can't do anything to them, I can't touch them. They don't care the least bit about me or how much they hurt me. They can just forget all about me and move on, and I can't. They come in w/ all these promises that they never intended to keep and it doesn't phase them cuz they just move onto the next. I hate that I can be as happy as I have been since before my mom died for the longest amount of time (a whole 2 and a half weeks, not counting the 2 days of vacation that I was upset about stuff) and out of no where I am miserable because of someone I was w/ for less than a yr, who doesn't give me the time of day. I am blindsided by these random thoughts that I can't get control of. I am pissed at my mom too. Maybe if she would have loved me I would be able to get over people rejecting me. But the list of what if's goes on for miles. Since I got this plan on how to get my money in order I have been so happy. It gave me my future back. It made me feel like I had a future and that I could still do something w/ my life. I can handle have my fair share of shit dumped on me from life, but I am so fucked up that it's one thing after another. Not only do I have to deal w/ stuff that I can't control, like my parents dying, etc, but I have to survive my own mind too. My own issues are dragging me down w/ the rest of the world. Alright fuck this, I am meeting Marisa in the morning and I am sure I will be in an awesome mood. I just need to keep repeating Swishy McJackass and all will be well again.