alls good in kenny land

lol. well me and kenny talked last night and i think we have things sorted out for now. i am not really mad at him anymore well i am mad that he would say stuff like that but he admitted that it was wrong and he said he was sorry so i forgive him. i really hope he doesnt pull that shit again. he is still kinda imature so i dont know how that is going to work out. but then last night it seemed that keith was really pressuring me to see him. like date him. which is weird cuz i never even thought that he would pressure me like that. i think it was because of what kenny did so he is really pissed about that and doesnt want me to be with kenny any more so he is offering an alternative. but who knows. my head still hurts a little bit today. that sucks. i have to get up and do laundry in a little bit. i dont know last night kenny was acting like he did when we were first seeing each other so that is probably why i forgave him. cuz i remembered how sweet he can be. i dont know. i know keith is going to be pissed but he is just going to have to deal with it a bit longer. oh i went and got another how to find your career book this one is based on personality instead of skill so hopefully i wont be told i should be an accounting teacher. lol. me, accounting lol. what a gas! so anyway. although it did say i could be a legal secratary. who knows i am going to take the other tests and then put the scores together.

i went and got a career test book and yeah it sucks. it says i should do business and clerical stuff. whatever!!! i dont know it's kinda silly. i am going to go later and get the personality career book and then compare them and see which careers fit both and what not or pick the career that i like the best. lol. i am pretty disappointed in this book it doesnt have any cool jobs. one job is a freaking artificial eye maker. wow. and i have like an airport lounge receptionist or something like that. how retarded. but the other book i got looks decent but it doesnt really have anything to do with figuring out what you are good at and what you like so much as resumes and interviews and salary negotiations. cant wait to get that other book. maybe i will go up there now and get it. i think i will.

why do i still want him back? my head says i can do better but my heart says no i want him. i miss him so much. i miss his face and his body,his hands, talking to him, riding around with him in his shitty truck. god i hate him.

i keep having dreams about my ex. they really piss me off cuz then i wake up in a bad mood and then i am stuck thinking about him. keith is pissed at me because i am not going to do anything about kenny yet. even though i never said i wouldnt do anything about him yet. so i dont know what is up with that. he was like well you call me or write me or whatever when you want to talk to me. and see i think if i do stop seeing kenny then he will expect me to go out with him. when i was already thinking of not seeing kenny any more because missing kyle is getting worse not better. and it is a waste of kenny's time to be with me if i am not over that stupid idiot yet. i also had a dream about a buick 8. cuz i was reading stephen kings book from a buick 8 last week. i dont know i am just mad at everyone at the moment. kenny for being such an ass and keith for getting mad at me and that stupid idiot for doing what he did to me. i really want to email him a horrible letter but it is too late for that i guess. i dont want him to think that i am still hung up on him four months later. i hate him. i hate guys in general i think.well not for friends but definitly for anything more. they are usless. and i feel useless and kenny made me feel like crap the other day when he said that about my ex and then all the shit he said about me. damn i still have to call that woman damn that sucks. i dont want to go to that school i dont have enough money. it is probably really expensive and all that great shit. i need a job too. again. i know i quit the last one but they lied big time and that sucked. i am just feeling very negative right now because of that stupid ass dream.

i dont know what the heck i am going to do. the smart thing would be to get rid of kenny but that is going to be hard to do. i dont know. i am a pussy i guess. but it is either stand up for myself now or go on letting people treat me like shit. i just hate doing stuff like this to people but the way he talks to me and the way he treats me is crap. i do need to stop seeing him. but i would still like to be friends cuz i do like him i just dont want to go out with someone who treats people that way. i will be back i have to do something right now

ditch the bitch

thats what keith said. and matt said too. i am waiting for cheryl to email me back and i am going to email marisa about it too. i am doing really good on my no soda. havent had one all day. and havent really wanted one. although my head is hurting.

did i mention that kenny also said that he could see why the moron left me and did all that shit that he did. that is not cool. kenny's going down.

Kenny=Crazy

last night he was going on and on about how i did not want to have sex. and it's like i cant help it if i dont want to have sex every freakin day. and he was just going on about how selfish it was that i wouldnt have sex with him. and it's like the first or second time that i have not wanted to have sex. but he thinks its a sin because i dont want to have sex more than once a day and that i wont have sex more than once a day and that i want to stop having sex when it hurts. it is so ridiculous and then he was like if you tell this to keith and he says that i am being a jackass then he is full of shit and just trying to get into your pants. i was so pissed about all that sex stuff it's like damn. he seriously said he thinks we should have sex 5 times a day. and that if we dont i am being selfish. and then i told him about the highadventures thing and he's like thats a rip off and there are other clubs out there and all that. and that i only think that it is so great because i think it is the only one. he acts like he is just soooo much smarter than me. like there arent other clubs like that. no crap there are other ones i have heard of them before. such a downer. and then we talked again about how he thinks i am depressed (talking about him thinking i am depressed depresses me!!) and how i dont try hard enough to find a job or go to school or what ever. and it's like what the fuck. didnt we just discuss how i dont need to be lectured. actually we just got over fighting about that last week. i just dont get why the hell it bugs him so much. well i guess i do. he thinks we are going to get married. so he wants the best wife he can get. and all that. well thats understandable except that he wants me to do everything his way and i want to do everything my way. lol. oh well we will see what happens next in the kenny show. oh another thing about the sex thing. i had a pap earlier in the morning (which he knew about) and my cervix was still sore which he also knew about.

high adeventure? sounds fun to me

i got this thing in the mail that is an ad for a high adventure club. you join and they plan events for anything from investment seminars (cuz those are so adventurous) to flying a jet fighter. how sweet is that. i was going to join with keith but no he thinks i should talk to kenny first. so i dont know. it's for singles anyway even though they wont kick you out if you are in a relationship. but anyway. gotta go kenny is here

well i was going to go and see keith again on thursday but i forgot he has his kids. and now he is having a crappy day and thinks he is making my day crappy. ridiculous. so anyway. i am waiting to get in the shower cuz kenny will be here at 10 but i dont have anything to do until then so i am just on here but oh well. i am giving up soda for the week. i am going to try to fool myself into giving it up for longer but i am starting out with a week so i dont freak out and drink like 5 cases of it. lol. but it's all good. cuz i think i will be ok as long as i have tons of water. and i got oj this morning. but i am thinking that that could be part of the reason i am not loosing in my abs. that and i am evening out. i was so exhausted when i worked out earlier i couldnt even finish the tape!! that is horrible. only 3 weeks 4 days left. then what am i going to do when i dont loose anything. which is part of the reason i am cutting back on my soda intake and i am going to watch my points better. i dont see how you lose weight from cutting back on diet soda though. there's no calories. do you retain water from it. i dont know. but at least this way i will be hydrated and my skin will look better. plus it is just good for you. ya know. damn i am bored. i wish that the frozen foods from weightwatchers was good (besides the chocolate desert stuff) cuz then i would eat that all the time and not worry about it cuz it says the points right on the box. maybe i will make another blog just for my points. ya know. instead of a spread sheet. since i am here all the time anyway. and i can keep track of everything that i eat and all that hmmm. that could be good. i cant wait to get a job. i am thinking of getting my associates in either legal assistant/parallegal or fitness trainer. probably legal assistant/ parallegal. just cuz it sounds cooler. lol. no i think i would actually enjoy it more. but who knows. maybe not. and then i will do that while i go to school for what i really want. or just do that who knows. i am goofy. plus at the same time i can get my certificate from the art instructions schools. that is going to be sweet too when i actually finish that shit. it is taking forever cuz i get bored and then i dont do it for awhile but anyway. i am pretty bored so i am going to play polar bowler and then hop in the shower

well it seems kenny is a bit insecure. just a bit though. lol. he keeps wanting me to come up with a name for his dick so we can talk about it in public and no one will know what we are talking about. well yesteday he started calling it keith!!! ohmigod!!! and he asked if he could still stay the night next friday and i am like yeah why wouldnt you be able to and he was like well, i just wanted to get in your planner before keith. that is so fucking ridiculous! can you believe how stupid some guys are!! so i told keith what kenny said about the horses and he's like (just joking) well i was going to buy you a horse in the summer. i cant believe kenny is acting like this. it is too fucking weird!!!

went to keith's yesterday. it was so much fun. we went riding around on his four wheeler in the snow. i am so sore today from driving it though. from elbow to elbow!!!
and we watched a movie and hung out with matt and then we made dinner. and chocolate chip cookies. yum! matt is really nice and funny. he has a really sweet black lab too. me and keith just chilled out. then i came home and i was telling kenny that we went four wheeling and he was like well i am planning on taking you to ride horses when it is warmer. lol. i couldnt believe it!! oh well. i am going to go up to the mall and check out the gnc and see if they can tell me any more about this supplement i was reading about called no2. it seems like they might have found the wonder drug. lol. but i need supplements anyway plus i need better nutrition and all that but ya know i am really getting motivated to get in shape. from doing slim in 6 2 weeks straight. it's like even if i dont reach my goal at least i will have exercised for 6 weeks straight and will be closer to life long fitness and all that which is what i want anyway. i just need to eat better and take vitamins and learn more about nutrition and what i should be doing for my body. and all that. plus i need to think about what i am going to do about a career and all that. and i am kinda buzzing right now cuz i took some ripped fuel and i am not too pumped up cuz i am so tired and sore but i am feeling more energetic than i was before i took it. so i better get up to the mall and check out that stuff. and i got some money in the bank and on friday i got 2 checks in the mail when i bailed my little brother out of jail so right now i am doing ok in the money department but that is only because i just got the checks. lol. well ok i am way to hyper dont know if it is the pills or the fact that i have money. lo. well i am going to go to gnc.

ok well me and kenny went out to tgi friday's again. it was decent. i didnt work out yesterday. cuz i was too sore and tired. but i am going to today and then just do one extra day of the third tape at the end. to make up for it. i havent been eating that great either. which is so stupid. how am i going to get results if i dont eat good. so anyway i cant wait to get a job that i like. that will be cool. so anyway i am going to go and read a little bit. man i am bored. i need something to do. maybe i will get up and exercise and take a shower and go to the mall to fill out applications today. or i could just read my book all day and go tomorrow. that would be good. cuz hopefully it will be warmer tomorrow. that would be nice. plus i am sleepy so i will probably nap. today is going by so fast but that is probably because i slept til ten. oh well i am going to read now and then nap and then exercise and then chat on the im for awhile. so exciting. oh well.

OHMIGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I quit work today. lol. i am so sore and so tired i couldnt even bring myself to go. i dont know maybe i should have just told them i would come in tomorrow but i dont know. that is a hard job. plus they lied about how much i would get a week by like a hundred dollars!!!!! so i called and said no thanks but they were all soo nice and i would have liked working there but i am just in so much pain. but oh well. if chris calls me to see what is up then i might agree to come back tomorrow. i think he has a little crush on me so he might call but probably not. and that's cool. i just feel bad. they were all sweet. but they did lie about the money. which sucks plus everyone works the same but the pay is based on how much you get in donations and shit so some people get screwed. and that's not cool at all cuz i would end up being one to get screwed. well anyway i am going to watch a movie.

well i start work today!!! yea!! i just worked out. yesterday i barely worked out. like you cant even call what i did a work out. but i pushed it pretty hard today. as hard as i could and still take it slow so i am not toooo sore. i also plan on eating much better today. cuz i went to portillos last night. bad i know. but soooooo worth it. i ate every last one of my fries! who the hell eats every last one of their fries?! well gotta get ready for work now i am pumped cuz i just worked out. lol. gotta go

well guess who has a job?!!! that's right i am now part of the working force!! watch out. it is going to suck cuz we have to go out and canvass in the suburbs so i am going to be freezing my ass off but i just went out and got some awesome insulated heavy traction shoes that are soooo cool and they look cute with jeans. they are a bit snug but i figured that will be ok i will not need to wear super thick socks. i also got some long underwear things and some glove liners so i dont need to buy new gloves yet although these liners cost about 10 times as much as my gloves did so ya know that's great. but gloves are so expensive up here. but anyway. i have a job!! and i am not going to have any time at all to spend my money so that is awesome. so on saturdays i will get my hair cut or my eyebrows waxed or something girly like that to spoil myself. or go shopping ya know. chic stuff and then go out to dinner with kenny that night or what ever that will be so cool. cant wait to get started so i can pay off all my bills and get everything caught up so i can start saving and shopping! woo hoo!!! i start tomorrow!!

well just had some breakfast. really just some left overs from last night. i am wondering if that is healthy. i mean what's soooo special about breakfast foods that they have to be eaten in the morning and you cant eat any other foods. i dont really like breakfast food which is why i normally dont eat breakfast. and i dont really like lunch food either but i am so dang hungry by then that i have to eat something. well anyway. i have to start getting ready for my interview now. i dont want to go. it is damn cold outside!!!! brrrrrrrr. oh well the faster i get there and back the sooner i can start my second week of slim in 6. cant wait til the next 2 weeks are done! then only 3 to go. well anyway i am going to email kenny and keith and then jump in the shower.

well keith just called me and he seems really upset. ok he was definitly really upset. his ex wife and his dad both got into it with him earlier and he was supposed to go to his dad's cuz it was his dad's birthday and all that.well now he has me on hold. man my supper was yummy!! sour cream and chive potatoes, peas, and chicken.yummy, well i wish he would take me off hold!!!

ok well marisa didnt show up cuz they were too trashed apparently. i figured they wouldnt so i didnt even get ready. but i did exercise!!!!!! i am soooo awesome. i didnt want to but i made myself so now i am very proud of myself. i finished the first week and today i am going to stretch and tomorrow i am either going to get up early or i am going to work out after my interview. it all depends on how early i get to bed tonight. i lost 2 lbs but that could be just cuz i havent eaten today. but anyway. i am going to go grocery shopping today. after i watch my movie. so that will be good. and that will be after i stretch too. so ya know i will have had a shower and all that. so that will be good. cant wait to get groceries. i am going to get lots of chicken and veggies. i love frozen vegitables. instead of nasty canned. so i am going to get tons of good yummy food and i will even cook at home more because the will actually give me something to do!!!! so i wont be so bored and if i get this job then i can have the cleaning service come back. yea!! gotta go and watch my movie

alright well marisa called and she is going to call me whenever they get down here i guess. but i am just now exercising so i doubt i will go. well i havent started yet. i am rewinding the tape. stupid vhs. oh well. so anyway. i cant wait to get this over with!!!! then i will be done with week one. that will be nice. i just jumped on the scale and i didnt lose any weight this week. that sucks ass!!!! i think it's cuz i didnt eat enough. so next week i am going to keep closer count of my points and everything and eat better so that way i lose some weight. that would be nice so anyway i dont think i am going to go out tonight. i am tired. so anyway. i am going to get my clothes out of the drier and then come back and exercise and then call keith. god i wish this damn thing would hurry up!!!!!!

well tonight i was supposed to go out with marisa but she hasnt called me yet. so i am guessing we arent going but she will probably call last minute and say we are still goingbut i dont know if i even want to i am very tired. went to see along came polly last night with kenny it was hilarious. i wanted to go with kenny to some place tropical for valentines day cuz i thought that would be cool and i will hopefully have a flat stomach by then and i even said i would pay so he could still go to vegas but he said no. he wants to wait for his spring break. so maybe i will go someplace tropical myself when he goes to vegas. that would be nice. well i would go with johnny or cheryl or keith or someone. so ya know i wouldnt be all by myself. so ya know. or maybe i could go with all three of them and keith could bring matt. ya know have a grand ole time. but who knows i will probably end up going by myself. but that is ok. i am sure i can find something to do. i just dont want to sit up here all by myself. plus i guess going on valentines day wouldnt be that great of an idea cuz i would lose 2 days of exercise. so i will go the next week end and shake my booty!!! lol. that will be great! so anyway. i am sleepy so i am going to take a nap until keith wakes up.

almost ready to exercise. i have an interview on monday for a job at illinois pirg. 300 to 500 bucks a week! that will be nice. i hope the job is cool. but even if it isnt that great i can do it for a few months so ican get some money and go shopping. i am sleepy i was doing so good to. oh well maybe i will exercise instead of taking a nap. who knows all i know is is that i want to be sexy in 5 weeks! so i better exercise. i have been eating pretty good too. no portillos for the whole week damn i am getting hungry. gotta go eat

got the victoria secrets catalog in the mail today!! cant wait for summer i am going to be so sexy by then! day 5 week 1 cant wait week 1 is almost over!!!!!! gotta call d&b today see if i can still get that job if not then i am going to go to the watertower place mall and see who all is hiring there. out of all those shops someone must be hiring. or maybe at the 900 shops. that would be nice but now i am looking forward to d&b again. want the cash. but i just dont know if i am cut out for it. but i will never know unless i try. but anyway. i am sleepy. oh yeah marisa isnt pregnant. so that is good. but she wants to come to the city saturday (tomorrow) so i will probably hang out with her. oh and kenny said that he hopes she doesnt come to the city! cuz he wants it to fall through so i can hang out with him!! i havent seen marisa since november! god whats he going to say next week when i go see keith? i cant wait for that cuz then week 2 will be out of the way! yippie!!! then i will only have 4 to go! wow! thats going to be nice. so anyway i am going to go take a nap before i call dave and busters and then clean and then exercise.

so anyway. worked out again today. my hamstrings are killing me so i didnt do the squats or lunges although tomorrow and saturday i plan on doing the slim and limber tape so i can stretch out my hamstrings we just dont stretch enough in that video. well anyway. yesterday i was like hmmm i think my butt is getting bigger but then i was like nooooooo you cant notice a change like that after 3 days however it is 1/2 an inch bigger! i measured today! maybe it's from not exercising the last few weeks. but still i have lost a lb and it definitely feels more muscular (yes i checked!) so anyway. now i am pissed cuz my whole lower body is 1/2 an inch bigger but my upper body is smaller so thats pretty cool! so i am happy about that. finally made my chili today. its yummy. going to clean tomorrow. i am so bored i have nothing to do. and i am tired. i want to go to bed now but then i will be up in a few hours and then what will i do. so i think i will try to wait until 930. i am lame! so anyway. kenny said that he thought that he and his ex would get back together for awhile too so i am not the only one. that is good. i am glad to hear that. well anyway. i need a job. i hope i get that job at thomasville furniture or la tan. either one would be good but i so want the one at thomasville furniture. i am going to apply at the gym too i think. i wish i had tv right now. this would be a good time for it. i really cant wait til the end of my 6 weeks! it's going to be great! heres the plan. hopefully i will have a job.... then i will pay back kenny, and my bills. lol. and then pay a chunk of my dr's bill. oh and get some kind of health insurance, get kenny's xmas present, and then have enough money to go shopping. well maybe i will pay my regular amount to my dr. next month. and not get insurance until march too. but pay off the bills and kenny and get kenny's xmas and valentines day present and go shopping. shopping shopping shopping. i love to shop. well not really but i do love getting new things and if i have to shop to get them then shop i will. lol. actually if i had decent things now i wouldnt feel the need to shop so much. like if i had good clothes and everything. like clothes that fit and all that. then i would just spend my money doing fun stuff like going to the art museum and all that. and exploring the city outside of the mall.lol. i mean how great would that be. doing really nice things. that would be awesome. that will have to wait til april probably cuz i also have to save up for school. well i can do cheap stuff around the city. and all that. cant wait to go shopping. i could go and visit marisa too!!! yea! goodness i cant wait lol.

well kenny and i just got done talking about birthcontrol. but the way he is going about it is that he is treating me like i dont know anything about it and that he knows all there is to know. i just want to say hey shut up i can handle it i am a woman i know how it works. but the thing is right now i just cant afford it. and i kept saying i might want to get the patch but he was like pill pill pill and its like i am the one thats going to have to deal with it and all that shit so sorry honey but you dont have a say. well i am pretty sore from working out yesterday but it is in all the right places so that's cool. i just had some lunch but i am still hungry and that pisses me off. i should have grilled up my chicken but i was feeling lazy. i still need to clean my kitchen well my whole apartment but definitly my kitchen. i feel so buff today. i am like in 6 weeks i am going to be damn sexy. cuz i am not fat right now so i think 6 weeks is pretty realistic for me. especially because you do the tapes 6 days a week. which i know i will get sick of but i am going to try to push through.

damn i am bored. i am eating a salad so i am not too hungry before kenny gets here. he wont be here until 10 so that sucks but i still have to do dishes and my art lesson and clean the rest of the apartment so that should keep me busy. i discovered i really like honey mustard dressing, so i bought some of that and i have a chicken breast i plan to grill up tonight with the pork chops so i can put that on top of the salad and have that for lunch tomorrow or something and i also plan on making my chili tomorrow too. so i should have enough food to last me through out the week with out having to go out so i can be on weight watchers. well i might need to get some cheese for some grilled cheese sandwiches. right now i plan on kicking ass with this slim in six. i want to be damn sexy. not that i am not already but i want to be damn sexy in a bikinin. teeny tiny bikini. but lets be honest when i am that sexy i am not going to leave the house i am going to stay in my apartment all day just looking at my sexy self in the mirror. well thats not true i will have to leave in order to go shopping. it's just not the same buying clothes on line. i mean when you can actually fit in the clothes who wants to sit at home. you need to go and try em on just cuz ya can so anyway. i am not even going to buy shorts this summer. i am going to buy nothing but sun dresses and mini skirts. and lowrise jeans. that is all i am going to wear this spring. lowrise jeans. and sexy skirts. damn i cant wait. it felt really good to exercise today. the last time i exercised was before i went home. i was starting to feel like a fat slob. i cant wait til tomorrow. i hate that i get so excited when i start exercising and then get burnt out about a month into it. i wish i could just be a steady pace the whole way through. instead of going to the extremes. man so much shit has sugar in it it is unbelievable. it's disgusting. since i am making kenny supper tonight i got some instant potatoes well the betty crocker brand looks really good but they all have sugar in them so i had to get idaho which is what i normally buy (well i bought the betty crocker ones too cuz they were like 99 cents) but anyway. i cant make anything hardly. except meat. lol. well somestuff naturally has sugar in it like honey and fruits and stuff but why in the hell do potatoes need sugar. damn. well anyway i am going quit typing now cuz i dont really have anything interesting to say i am just bored and sleepy so i am going to download some music.

well i just worked out and i feel awesomenow i am eating before i go to the grocery store.well i need to find something to make for kenny for supper. damn thats a lot of peanut butter. well anyway. i am going to go and look up something to make and then go buy all the shit for it. i wonder if kenny will get pissed if i make instant potatoes. what am i saying of course he will but i dont care cuz i am lazy and i can chicken in less than half the time it takes to make real mashed potatoes so he can kiss it. lol. well anyway. i am going to find something for dinner now.

well i went to kenny's and apologized to his mom and she acted like she didnt know what i was talking about which was funny cuz she gave me a dirty look when i walked in. and then she was like dont worry about it, and i was like well i just wanted you to know that i really like coming over here and that i am sorry if it was taken out of context. but i didnt write on here what she did later friday night, when kenny was on his way over here she left him a voice mail saying (apparently in a bitchy tone) i hope elisha remembered to take her pill today. so anyway. i apologized well then she was asking kenny why he told me and he said some smart ass remark and then they started going at it and she said well whats a mother supposed to think when her son goes and spends the night at someone's house, if her mother was alive what would she think. so now i am completely pissed off cuz that was just uncalled for. my mom would be happy as long as i am happy and not judge me. she taught me to be an independent self sufficient WOMAN, and i capitalize that because she taught me how to be a woman in a man's world. i am still working on that cuz frankly i am too nice. lol. but anyway. but anyway. enough about that. marisa is pregnant! i cant believe it. and everyone else is now turning against her and everything and there's no one there for her. and everyone is saying not to marry ray, and all that. i just tell her i am here for her and i will back her up no matter what she wants to do. but anyway. that's crazy that she is pregnant. so me and kenny got into it a little bit about that. cuz neither of us want to have kids now. and i would get an abortion if i got pregnant but since i was standing up for marisa he thought i was changing my mind but anyway he said stuff like she already screwed up once and he thinks she is just doing it for child support and all that and i couldnt believe he was saying that cuz he never even met her and i told him just cuz she is making a different choice than us doesnt mean she is screwing up. she would think i would be screwing up if i got an abortion. i mean i couldnt believe the stuff he was saying. it really made me heated. cuz she is my friend and he doesnt even know her and all that. but anyway. i did my resume today so i got that out of the way and now kenny is going to go over it and help me fix it and all that. so then i can find a damn job. so anyway. i need to go exercise. oh keith said he loved me last night. so.... but he said he just cares about me and want me to be happy and all that which is what i think the definition of loving someone is too and that he is not in love with me. which is good. but anyway. it is scary how alike we are. so anyway. i am hungry and i am going to make some food to eat. type more later

well shit, i was on instant messenger talking to kenny and he had told me the other day that his parents were asking about what i was going to do and where i was going to go to school and all that so i was like now i am scared to go over there until i know what i want to do so i will have some answers cuz i would have felt like a loser going i dont know i dont know. and so today when we were instant messaging kenny said something about going to the musical with his parents and i said well i dont want to go if your parents are going they scare me at the moment. meaning i didnt want to go because i knew they would ask about school and i was scared of looking like a loser when all i could say was i dont know. and i didnt want them to think that i am a loser. so i was scared to see them until i did know. well his mom saw it and now she thinks that i think she is scary. i am so pissed at myself and i am so embarassed. see i have persistent anxiety so now i am going to have a panic attack because i feel so stupid. but i do this thing with like worst case scenario thinking. or tragic thinking or what ever it's called. where if something is really important to me then i start thinking that the worst is going to happen. for instance when kenny told me that his parents were asking about the school. i thought they would think i was a loser cuz i didnt know where i was going or what i was going to do. which is silly because who would think someone is a loser just cuz of that. i would never think someone is a loser cuz of that. but i had it in my head that they would so then i didnt want to see them so then i said that and now i think that they think i dont like them and that now they hate me or think i am a bitch or something and it is just driving me nuts. but see whenever i do this sort of thinking or want something or care about something i am so busy trying to be careful of what i say and do and all that that i inevitably screw things up anyway. uuuuggggghhhhhhHH!!!!!!!! i am freaking out cuz i think that they will always have it in the back of their minds that i said that and that they will always think that i dont like them and now they will never really try to get to know me or anything and they will just be really cold to me now and that would suck cuz i really do like them and kyle's mom was always really cold to me and that would suck if i have to go through all that again. i am freaking out!!!!!!!!!

ok well i just got my computer back. it was broken...again. and now my mouse sucks and my keyboard has sucked forever. it's ridiculous. but anyway. so whats new. i am not going to school this semester. i dont have a job and i feel like a real loser. plus on new years aparently i told kenny i love him. but iwas too drunk to remember. well anyway so now he says it to me all the time. and i feel bad cuz i know he wants me to say it first once in awhile but i cant. and then last night all of a sudden i panicked and didnt want to be anything more than friends with him. it was so weird cuz i looked forward to seeing him all day and was so happy that he was coming over but then i just wanted him gone. but it was only for a second and then it smoothed out but i dont know how that could happen. it was weird. but anyway it is hard for me to say i love you to him because 1 we have only known eachother for 2 and a half months and 2 i have only said i love you to one other person. so it feels weird for me to say it to someone else. oh keith and i are just friends i think. although i know he likes me and i like him too. but i am not willing to risk my relationship with kenny (whatever it is) right now. i dont know. oh and i am going to finish up my lessons at the art instruction schools cuz that is 2 yrs of art school plus it is already paid for. so what the hell am i waiting for. then i could teach art lessons if i wanted too. or what ever. so now i am off to go job hunting so i wont be a loser anymore.

well i have spent the last few days with kenny. and we spent new yrs together even though i just wanted to chill at home but it was ok cuz we just hung out at his cousins house and played video games but then i got completely waisted cuz we were playing a drinking game with the video game and we were drinking makers mark and since i dont drink i was gone pretty quick and we had portillo's beef sandwiches before we started drinking. well they are so nasty coming back up i went into portillos last night and i smelled them and i felt sick. so anyway i am a lightweight. and then yesterday i spent all day with keith it was really nice. we had alot of fun. chilled out. kissed alittle. but anyway. then this morning john calls at like 5 asking me to go out with him and i am like uuuuhhhhhh i'm sleeping. but i told him someother time and i think he said he would call me some time today but i dont plan on being home. cuz i am kinda mad cuz he didnt call me at all throughout the time i was at home and i told him when i got back and then he calls at 5 in the morning when he is drunk. hmm think l will pass. but anyway. cheryl called last night too she is pretty bummed out cuz bill is gone so much and eric wont take elizabeth and elizabeth doesnt like bill. i told her she can send elizabeth up here if she needs a break that bad but i think she will send elizabeth up here when bill is home which is fine but bill really needs to spend time with elizabeth. but i dont know. i think i am changing my major. i think i might go into art therapy. so i might switch to columbia. but i am going to miss duffy. he is so sweet. i thinking that i am going back to bed now