well shit, i was on instant messenger talking to kenny and he had told me the other day that his parents were asking about what i was going to do and where i was going to go to school and all that so i was like now i am scared to go over there until i know what i want to do so i will have some answers cuz i would have felt like a loser going i dont know i dont know. and so today when we were instant messaging kenny said something about going to the musical with his parents and i said well i dont want to go if your parents are going they scare me at the moment. meaning i didnt want to go because i knew they would ask about school and i was scared of looking like a loser when all i could say was i dont know. and i didnt want them to think that i am a loser. so i was scared to see them until i did know. well his mom saw it and now she thinks that i think she is scary. i am so pissed at myself and i am so embarassed. see i have persistent anxiety so now i am going to have a panic attack because i feel so stupid. but i do this thing with like worst case scenario thinking. or tragic thinking or what ever it's called. where if something is really important to me then i start thinking that the worst is going to happen. for instance when kenny told me that his parents were asking about the school. i thought they would think i was a loser cuz i didnt know where i was going or what i was going to do. which is silly because who would think someone is a loser just cuz of that. i would never think someone is a loser cuz of that. but i had it in my head that they would so then i didnt want to see them so then i said that and now i think that they think i dont like them and that now they hate me or think i am a bitch or something and it is just driving me nuts. but see whenever i do this sort of thinking or want something or care about something i am so busy trying to be careful of what i say and do and all that that i inevitably screw things up anyway. uuuuggggghhhhhhHH!!!!!!!! i am freaking out cuz i think that they will always have it in the back of their minds that i said that and that they will always think that i dont like them and now they will never really try to get to know me or anything and they will just be really cold to me now and that would suck cuz i really do like them and kyle's mom was always really cold to me and that would suck if i have to go through all that again. i am freaking out!!!!!!!!!