well since i about killed myself making chili yesterday i am reaping the rewards now. all chili all the time. lol. i am just too sick to go and get groceries. it's a good thing i dont get sick of this stuff. although i am craving wings and french fries with bbq sauce. that's not good. well i told marisa what kenny said. but now he is saying he knows he is lucky to have her. and ray is doing everything he can to get her back. and it's working. she is saying she is exhausted with trying to have 2 guys. see...she laughed at me. and now she cant handle it. she is going to a baseball game with ray and then meeting up with kenny. ahhh i taught her well. lol. reminds me of me when i was younger. *sniff*. lol just kidding i only juggled like that once and it was three in one day and i slept for a week afterwards. plus none of them knew about each other, and i wasnt in love with any of them. oh well enough about that. i am feeling about the same as yesterday. i might have been feeling better but someone had to call me crying at 830 in the morning. now if she would have been in a good mood i would have hung up on her. but i couldnt do that with the day she started out having. she definitly has a knack for taking a seriously shitty day and turning it into a three ring circus. 4 times she called me so far today (at least) 1st rays done out of my life for good 2 kennys done 3 ray is so sweet 4 kenny is so done 5 kenny is sooo sweet what do i do! lol this is why it sucks to be a girl. i do not envy her one bit right now. although at least she is probably going to get some tonight. well i am almost done with ff10, but then i know i will have to go out and get ff10-2 and then it will take me 2 yrs to finish that. i caught myself twice almost saying i love you on the phone with keith, but i dont want to say it on the phone. not for the first time. i mean he has waited this long he might as well here it when we are face to face and i am not drunk or in a compromising position. marisa said i should just say "i didnt want to do this on the phone but i love you" and then hang up. ya know i would do that cuz it would be kinda funny, but i know i would get my ass kicked if i hang up on him. so...... otherwise i would. but we have had that discussion. and even though it's different and i am not hanging up cuz i am pissed off i still dont think he will appreciate it too much. so instead of i love you before we hang up i say i miss you. how lame am i?

i just found out a new country singer that is "up and coming" is from around were i am from. her name is gretchen wilson and her song is redneck woman. i just that was kinda cool. i dont know her or anything just thought it was cool cuz her video is on yahoo.

YEA! i am starting to feel better. after yesterday i didnt think i was ever going to get better. i only woke up twice, once at 230am to blow my nose and again at 730 to take more tylenol and dayquil. but at 730 i did not feel all that bad and the dayquil wore off at like 5. wereas yesterday i was feeling bad about 2 hours before the dayquil was supposed to wear off so anyway. i am using this time in bed wisely, i am getting caught up on my final fantasy 10. i should have beaten it along time ago. i am such a nerd but that's what happens when you grow up in a town with 150 people. most of them so old they dont leave their house and the rest sitting in the tavern that's right next to the church that no one goes to.

the stupid woman still didnt show up!!!! i walked my sick ass all the way up there and i had to bitch at the director and get her to do it. she was all nice about it but i was still pissed. i didnt think walking up there would make me feel so shitty. this is the time when i wish i had tv. i could watch sopranos.....no that would be wrong. well time to rub down with vics and put a movie in and pass out. ya know i would rather have strep throat than this shit at least with strep throat the dr gives you something that makes you feel better right away. with this you have to be miserable for days!

i am so freaking sick! i hope that today is the worst of it. well kenny is seriously an ass but i dont know, if i tell marisa then she will be upset and then what if he gets over it and then they go out again and then they will both hate me. i think i will wait and see and in the mean time keep out of it. cuz she is having her doubts too so maybe things will work out on their own just the way they are supposed to. being in the middle when things are good is kinda fun, when they aren't good not so much. i have more loyalty to marisa than kenny, but maybe he was just getting scared i dont know. well anyway. miracle was pretty good. now i am moving on to paycheck. and then to return them and maybe get some more. i hope i do feel better soon cuz my apartment is going to be trashed and i wont have time to clean it. i need better organization. well i am going to pig out and watch my movie.

i just went to rent some movies and i didnt have any late fees. how that happened i have no idea cuz i never return movies on timei got the miracle, paycheck, and scary movie 3. i dont know why i got the last one cuz i didnt really like the first 2 but then again i keep thinking maybe the next one will be better but when does that ever happen. oh and when kenny and i went on our first date he made a comment to me and it was very sweet and i told marisa about it and she brushed it off and rolled her eyes, well he said almost exactly the same thing to her and she gushed about it forever. i didnt mention this to her but i just thought it was funny, i was reading an article in cosmo and the guy writing it was saying that the guys who are the nicest in the beginning, well the ones who are constantly giving compliments and opening doors and doing all the romantic, chivalrous things that make women melt are usually the creeps. and women just dont realize it. i think he might be right. kenny just imed me as i was writing this and i can not believe the shit he is saying. he says that he would rather go out with someone who is skinny and a bitch than someone who is extremely sweet, unselfish, giving, caring and wonderful and fat. because he is embarassed to be seen with a woman who is a size 12 in public. that is soo sad. and he was the one leading her on asking her to be his girlfriend, saying that he wants her to move with him, and he even counted the fact that she lives at home against her, when she is moving out in july and he has no plans for it whatso ever
what an ass.

i am sick! this sucks. went to get up for the waterexercise class but i got out of breath just trying to get ready so i laid back down and passed out. it was good. then i woke up by marisa calling me. her and kenny had sex in my apartment and kenny tried to lie about it. however smart girl that marisa is she cracked right away. wouldnt want to torture her. keith was being really sweet saturday and sunday cuz i was sick. it was so nice. my grandma and mom are usually the only ones to take care of me when i am sick. but he was really sweet about it. i felt special. marisa said if i got worse she would come up and take care of me. very sweet of her. but really it's just a nasty cold. i dont mean nasty in bad i mean nasty as in phlem. yuck. i am trying not to think about the leftovers from the chop house that are in my fridge. i cant believe they left them here. that is so mean. now if i would have known that's what that was last night i would have been all over it. but i did not loose any weight last week and barely any inches. and this week will be bad if i am not able to breath soon because then i wont be able to work out. i will still go to my pilates but i wont be able to do cardio. so i have to eat extra good. well i am going to go and get some movies and lay in be all day.

what's invisible and smells like carrots? bunny farts

had fun with marisa last night, although i felt like shit. we got a little wild (her dress "accidentally" came up in front of traffic) now i am just sitting here at keith's waiting for him to come back so i can eat some wings

i started to feel much better about tonight but now i just want to go to bed. i feel sick. i am sore every where and very tired. but oh well. i will pick marisa up at lasalle st station at 730 then we will eat and by the time we get back here with a movie and i paint my nails it should be at least 9 but very probably 10. so just in time for bed. yeah! then i wake up and go to see my baby. hmm i wonder if he minds me calling him my baby? maybe i should ask.... nah. he will just have to deal with it cuz i am in the mood to call him my baby. well i guess you would have to hear how i am saying it to understand. i guess my sex machine would probably be more accurate. lol. grrrrrr. dang i need some lovin but i am still sore from yesterday and too tired even if it was being offered. well i guess if it was really being offered i would forget how tired i am pretty quick. ahhhh if only you could read my mind.

well i am waiting for an email from marisa. i swear it feels like i am in their relationship. they both go through me! i can understand how they would do that cuz i know both of them better than they know eachother right now and they met through me. but really i have enough on my plate with mine and keith's. but seriously marisa was saying that it's cool if we just make dinner and stay in with movies and all that she just wants me to have a good time. so that is soo sweet and thoughtful of her. sometimes i just forget that there are different people in my life. that my friends now are way more thoughtful and selfless and caring than what my "friends" back home were. i just forget sometimes. like someone will do something that someone back home would have done and it makes me think that i am too trusting and naive and that i trusted the wrong people again and i am never going to find people who care about me but in reality all i have to do is look at how they have already shown how much they care for me. and when i am in as bad of a mood as i was yesterday it's hard to remember that. and normally even if i didnt want to go out i would still go out for marisa because she has done so much for me but i was just in the worst mood and feeling so bad for myself. i owe her so much and i was just being a baby yesterday. but i am still happy we are going to stay in tonight. and be all girly. and kenny is taking me to the train station in the morning. i am so happy right now. keith is just the biggest sweetheart. he is sooo adorable and sexy and just grrrrrrrrr. he was being all bashful earlier about the things i did to him last night. lol. oh yeah. nothing too kinky. no finger up the ass or anything like that. there are just somethings i dont do. just good clean dirty fun. and he was teasing me about being picky. and it was cute. well anyway i have to go and float back in the kitchen to finish my dishes *sigh*

such a better mood today. i even got up at 730. i got up that early to go to a waterexercise class but i have too much stuff to do so i am going to try and do that stuff. the reason i am in such a good mood you might be wondering, the sweetest guy ever surprised me yesterday by coming down after he got off work early. it was the sweetest thing. and then we went to dave and busters and played video games all night which was so much fun. not to mention the great sex we had before we left and the GREAT sex we had when we got back. i woke up smiling. and he even said a couple of times that it looked like i was losing weight (always wonderful to hear especially since on my way back from watertower place i was feeling sooo fat because it was hot as hell and there were about 100 teeny tiny ladies in teeny tiny clothes)i was just so damn happy that he came down. i had more fun yesterday than i have had in a long time. i want to say that time we went out on the fourwheelers in the snow. dont get me wrong we have fun together all the time but i dont know i think since he surprised me it made it even better. i am not too happy with my hair cut and i think the dye might have run together a bit in my highlights but i am not sure. i was half asleep and looking out of squinted eyes when i checked this morning. i guess i will be able to tell if i like my hair for sure later when i try to fix it. but lynn said i would still be able to put it up and that is not that case. i have to use a ton of bobby pins or barretts to keep it out of my face. i was very tempted to tell him to just hack it all off. but when it gets hot and humid like yesterday that is usually how i feel. i just hate getting a bad haircut and it seems like that is all i ever get. but it's alright not even a bad hairday can put me in a bad mood today! :-D i am not looking forward to going out with marisa, i dont want to drink. and she was saying that if i dont drink with her then she is inviting kenny cuz she isnt drinking alone. why do we have to drink. i am trying to lose weight. i dont want to ruin it by drinking. it's bad enough that i ate at dave and busters last night (and had the cheesecake, which was yummy btw)and didnt go to the martial arts class or the water exercise class this morning. next week though i have to eat in my points range everyday. the thing that makes me mad though is that there's no place to eat that is close to me that is in my dining out book. except subway. and in order to get into the one online you have to register for the damn meetings i hate the meetings!!! and i dont want to pay. i also dont think i should pay for the shit online either but i know i am going to pay for both so i can get that damn list. it's probably the same thing as in the book too and then i will be mad. but anyway i really dont want to go out. the whole crap yesterday when she was saying all that made me mad. i am not that big of a drinker, she knows that, i dont like going out every weekend to drink. and it's like i dont care if she drinks, and i gave an alternative, ya know just going out to dinner, having a drink before dinner, and then coming back and chilling, i can understand how she might not want to do that, she is in the city and she wants to go out. but she made such a big deal about it that now it seems like the only reason she is coming over is to get drunk. and that's not cool, i am tired of people treating me like that. and she even tried telling kenny it was my idea for us to go out again this weekend. ummm, no wonder he thought that was odd cuz i never go out. let alone 2 weekends in a row. ok so anyway back to happy thoughts about the wonderful keith. *sigh* well i have things to do and all that.

oh i forgot to mention. kenny is feeling the same about marisa which is awesome. they are going to vegas in july, so who wants to bet they get married? i will be shocked if they dont. especially considering how much they both love vegas. i am happy for them but i am a bit bitter too. not over kenny but just the fact that that is all marisa has to talk about now and i am sick of hearing about it. but that doesnt mean i am not happy for them. i am. i think it's great that they are so happy.

VENTING

this whole week has been a black hole for all my happy thoughts. the only time i have been in a good mood is when i exercise. which by the way pilates is evil, but i still love it. although right now i am glad i only have it one day a week. i think that if a body is as sore as mine you should automatically see the difference. well maybe if i didnt have a layer of fat covering everything you could. i think next week after my classes well pilates and martial arts at least i am going to do some cardio. but anyway. i am in a terrible mood. not as bad as last night but i dont have much hope for today. or the weekend for that matter. i just want to growl at people. no one in particular just everyone. at the very least, at the most bite someone's head off. not in the literal sense. i'm watching what i eat. i just feel invisible. i hate feeling like that. i feel that cheryl and marisa are prettier, smarter, more goal oriented, sexier, more fun, just more everything than i am. well actually it's pretty much a fact that they are all of those things. which normally i can deal with but this week i am not doing so well. i just feel pretty much worthless. i am sick of people saying i am lazy too. everyone is always fucking calling me lazy. who fucking cares. it's not hurting them. the only one i hurt when i procrastinate is myself. i am just sick of people trying to run my life. ya know it's like i appreciate the advice but if i sayno i mean no and if you were right all along then you were right but i need to find that out for myself. it's like people get pissed and jealous cuz i dont have to work and i can do what i want and all that well ya know what maybe i am pissed and jealous cuz they all have parents that they dont appreciate. so what if i am lazy. it doesnt hurt anyone but me and when i am tired of sitting on my ass i will get off of it. pointing out how lazy i am is not going to make that happen any sooner. as a matter of fact i just sink a little further down into my chair. even if i had plans to get off my ass that would slow it down. my whole life i have been called lazy even when i wasnt. so i dont keep my apartment spotless. i want to do things that i want to do. and i dont want to clean all the time. ok i rarely want to clean. but everyone has shit they dont like to do. i am not the only person on earth who doesnt like to clean. and i have been cleaning at least once a week lately. but does anyone say anything about that. oh no. i am not the only person on earth who doesnt have a job or doesnt go to school. and that is only for right now anyway. i am just so pissed. why is it that everyone thinks they need to tell me how to run my life. contrary to popular belief no one needs to think for me. i have gotten through almost 22 yrs of life w/o the help of most people i think i can manage the rest. i mean i dont mind hearing opinions once in awhile but when people are constantly saying what i should do then that gets on my nerves. the only person that i couldnt have made it this far with out is dr. abramson. that doesnt mean i am not happy for the people in my life and that i dont appreciate them or what they brought into mylife but it means that i dont need people thinking for me. i dont need people dressing me, or rearranging my apartment for me. etc. it might take me awhile to decide but i can come up with an answer on my own. all that just makes me feel more invisible and that people dont appreciate me for the good things that i bring. ya know they dont take into consideration the things that make me me. and they dont love me for who i am cuz everyone wants me to be someone different. well if ya didnt like me the way i was why would you hang around me. yeah i dont dress great all the time but i am in the process of losing weight and i dont have the money to go out every other week to buy new clothes to fit me so i have to wear baggy clothes for awhile. i mean yeah if i got a job i could go shopping everyother week but i dont want to go shopping that bad. that would be a waste of money. i am fine wearing baggy clothes until i am where i want to be.i like my apartment the way it is. i like being able to do what i want when i want. i like that if i wanted to i could spend a week with keith or go on a trip or join 3 classes at the Y and get in shape in time for summer! i like that i can drop any damn thing i want to and do anything i want to. i like that the only person or thing that i have an obligation to is myself and what i want to do. i have never fucking had that so you bet your ass i am going to enjoy it. i am glad i didnt get pregnant young or marry kyle hell it's bad enough i bought that damn house. i am glad i dont know what i want to do with the rest of my life right now cuz if i did then i would be going full speed ahead for that and i wouldnt have time to enjoy my life. enjoy the city that i just moved to. even if my way of enjoying it isnt the same as everyone elses. i am the one who enjoys it my way so freaking let me. i dont know part of this has to do with marisa and kenny and the other part has to do with the fact that it is getting close to when my mom died and i am missing her. more than i have in the past. well at least during this time of yr. ya know. normally it doesnt fluctuate that much i just miss her alot but i dont know now it just fucking sucks. i am getting pissed all over again. and alot of it has to do with the fact that it seems like most people dont like me for who i am. but ya know what i like me just fine so if you dont get away from me. i just think i need to seriously spend the day by myself and not talk to anyone cuz i am just going to be bitchy and bring everyone else down and that's not cool. i mean my mood is really noone elses fault. marisa and cheryl and everyone else didnt do a damn thing to me, they are completely innocent and dont even know i am upset. but my mood has just been snowballing this week. one unhappy thought leads to four unhappy thoughts ya know. well i need to eat. maybe then i will feel better.

i had a post earlier but i accidentally erased it. so anyway. i went to my pilates class earlier. it was so cool. i was very happy i signed up. but next time it's not going to be for 630 in the morning. oh well i only have like 4 weeks of this left. so only 4 days where i have to be up that early. that's not too bad marisa and keith do it all the time and at elast i can come home and take a nap. i cant believe i have to wait a whole week to do pilates again. but oh well. if i still feel that way when i am done then maybe i will sign up for more than one day a week. i just opened an ameritrade account. not a good idea but there is one stock in particular that i really want to get into for the time being. maybe make some cash. maybe lose my ass. making cash would be nice though. i have a vip party at bar chicago so i invited cheryl and bill and when i told marisa she didnt seem that happy. i think she was planning on inviting some of her own friends. but oh well. and now marisa wants to rearrange my apartment. i know how she wants to put my furniture and i was thinking the same thing but for right now i really want to keep it the way it is. i was hoping keith would come over tonight but he isnt going to. that's too bad. i even got oranges but now by the time i will get to use them they will be bad. that's only a small part though. but still. so anyway. i dont know if i should take a nap or clean. well i know what i should do the question is what am i going to do. well actually i know the answer to that too. lol. i am awful. but ya know there's no reason to clean cuz no one is going to be over here but me until friday so what's the point. i am feeling kinda lonely today but that's alright. i will get over it. i think i might play some final fantasy when i get up. that sounds like a good idea.

this is so ridiculous how hard is it to put some one through to another line. this person at the college only answers every other call and then when he puts me through it's the wrong number and i get disconnected. how does anyone enroll in this damn college?! i dont even really want to go to it. especially if they are this stupid, just think of all the headaches i am going to have if i have to deal with them on a regular basis. well i better get my ass walking down there.

so i go to the Y to meet my fitness coach and again the ho is a no show. so i had to reschedule with another girl for next tuesday a whole week away. this is getting on my nerves. i bought a stack of tshirts when i went back home (the cute tight ones with funny sayings on them) and i actually wore one today. when i first got them they were way too tight but now not so much. they show my tummy a little but it's not nasty looking. today i am going to see if i can register for summer classes at a city college and then i am going to call to make an appointment to get my hair cut with lynn and get my eyebrows waxed. cuz i need it. i know i just got my haircut at the beginning of april and i was going to wait til the beginning of june but i just cant any more. ya know i have been making alot of changes in the last month. rearranging my apartment and getting it straightend out, joining the Y, getting my resume done, hanging out with marisa more, and talking on the phone with her more, not staying at keith's for days and days. i am starting to scare myself. but then again i usually do do things like this once in awhile it's just usually one or the other, not all at once. ya know i usually clean and rearrange my apartment or start exercising not both. so anyway. i need to get in school. although i am not really motivated to do that. but it needs to be done. so i better call.

ohmigod! kenny and marisa are crazy. marisa is thinking marriage and if she is telling the truth about what kenny is saying to her then he might be too but he is saying something different to me. and i got this great outfit friday night and i was really looking forward to wearing it for keith but we didnt go out at all, which is fine, but then i was going to try it on for him but he didnt really seem to care if i did or not so i didnt, and when we were having sex it sounded like he was whispering something but i dont know exactly what it was so i am not going to get into it. but anyway. he got a new harley coat on saturday he looks really good in it. when he put it on with his harley boots and these sexy jeans. i had an almost uncontrolable urge to throw him down on the ground and have my way with him. lol. seriously. oh i went to my waterexercise class today. it was nice cuz i look better in my swimsuit than everyone else. and i dont care if it's because all the other ladies are over 80. the instructor is really nice too. she said i could make up the classes i missed. that is sweet. i cant wait til the six weeks are up. i only lost one lb (cuz i ate crap all weekend) but i lost at least half an inch almost everywhere, and an inch in a couple of places. i am not looking forward to my pilates class on wednesday, i about cried when i woke up at 720 this morning, i have to wake up at 530 wednesday. that is awful. why do i do these things to myself. but ya know maybe i can get up at 600 every day from now on that way being up at 530 wont be so bad. i need to get my hair cut and eyebrows waxed. i am seriously thinking about a bikini wax. i think i am definitely going to be taking more water exercise classes though. cuz nothing makes me feel as good as swimming (well exercise wise) plus my arms, legs and abs all got a killer work out. my arms especially. i am about 3/4 of an inch away from being a size 8. that is amazing. well i am going to take a nap cuz i am tired.

well marisa and kenny met last night. they had fun and ignored me all night. marisa is headover heels. i am kinda worried about her. especially cuz kenny doesnt seem to be feeling it as much but we will see. they are on their second date so we will see tomorrow

under the guise of cleaning i decided to stack my books (which of course i knew would lead to leafing through them) well i found this rebound journal that i wrote in after kyle and i broke up and it is soooo funny, however there is a list of top ten things that i want in my next relationship (now i did this before i even met keith) 1 maturity 2 openness 3 honesty 4 consideration 5 thoughtfulness 6 goal oriented 7 good in bed!!! 8 nice hands (oh yeah!!) 9 strong 10 sweet. well obviously i am a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. lol. well anyway back to "cleaning"

well apparently marisa said kenny wants to surprise us later tonight but kenny said it was marisa's idea. hmmm. and considering i wanted keith to come down tonight she better tell me if she invited kenny cuz then i can still get keith to come down maybe. that would be loverly. but anyway. keith said i havent posted about him in a couple of days. there's a reason for that but he wont find out til saturday, well maybe tonight if marisa fesses up. but anyway i have a surprise for him and dont want to ruin it. it's pouring outside so i am not going to venture up to the Y yet. plus i have to clean anyway and my ass is a bit sore from all the clenching last night. i had a dream about kyle and his family last night but the weird thing was it was parents house in the dream but it was actually matt's house. and his mom hated me. of course. seriously i think i bit off more than i can chew with these classes a(especially the pilates at 630am who was i trying to kid!?) gotta go clean and get everything together so me and marisa can have our little slumber party and have pillow fights in our underwear (oh wait i wasnt supposed to admit that girls do that at slumber parties was i. lol)

well if i survive this martial arts class remind me not to take any more!!! and i still have pilates and wateraerobics to go!!! i'm thinking someone was a little overly zealous in her quest to get fit. but that's alright i am going to stick with it because i can work through the hard part, it is the journey not the end result that matters, and not quiting will make me a better person. blah blah blah. actually even though the class was super rough on my glutes and quads and a hamstrings part of it was fun and i know if i get to the point where the other people are i will be damn proud of myself. unfortunately though i did not realize exactly how coordinated you had to be to punch but it is rather quite complicated and the white girl without rhythm looks ridiculous but hey i can laugh at myself. (thank god otherwise i would have left in tears. lol. it was bad)

tomorrow marisa and i are going out. dont really feel like it but i want to hang out with her. plus we are going to get drunk and talk about sex and that's always fun. went to meet with my coach this morning and the stupid woman wasnt there. i am sure there is a perfectly good reason for it and someone else screwed up and all that but i am just not in the mood for it because i was up at quarter to 8 and walked the mile there for nothing when i have to go back later tonight for a class. i just wish someone would have had the responsibility to double check that schedule or whatever and called to let me know i could sleep in. or the communication with the people at the front desk so they all know when someone isnt working. so they dont schedule an appointment. especially because now i have to wait til next tuesday before i can go. and it's with the same chic. i think i might take a nap soon. i exfoliated and used a self tanner on my legs. now my legs are so smooth. i cant believe marisa and kenny are going to go on a date. this is too funny. they both call me and tell me how excited they are and what the other person says and they ask how they should act. well kenny asks how he should act. ok well i think i am going to pass out now cuz i really dont have anything else to say.

well i am just an exercise machine! i didnt go to that class cuz the chic at the counter took too long and i would have walked in late and that would have just been rude. but i rode the bike for 45 minutes. the longest i have ever done that. i swam my five laps (it was hard though since i rode so long but i pushed through) and i walked the mile there and back. i am a maniac. i signed up for a martial arts class, a pilates class (at 630 in the morning! yikes!) and a water aerobics class. i am feeling very optomistic. maybe i bit off more than i can chew but i doubt it. i mean they are all different days and it's not like i have to work or go to school or anything. at least this way i am getting out of the apartment and i can meet new people and i can get in shape. plus they are either way early in the morning or in the evening so if i start school i can take some classes in the afternoon and be all set.

well last night i found out that kenny told marisa a very personal secret of mine, told her not to tell and then turned around and told me himself. i am going to kick his ass. i was so embarassed. oh i found some old before fat pics of me and put them with some that kenny took of me a couple of months ago, i can not believe how fat i was and how not fat i am now. i emailed them to everyone. i was half embarassed by them but i was just so happy that's not me any more. just another fat girl. i was forgetting what it was like to be fat and how fat i actually was. it's not a pretty sight. so anyway. i am going to the Y later and i am taking a class. it's called ball and body. we will see. i am pretty tired. tomorrow is my first session with my coach and i have to get up at 830. it's easy to be optimistic like that in the afternoon.

i have that song sweet caroline stuck in my head. dont know why. well i went and joined the Y today. i must say i think it was a good choice. it is at least 25 bucks a month cheaper than the gym across the street plus no start up fee and no contract. it's not as appealing to the eye as the gym across the street. and i will have to ride the l or walk about a mile. which on nice days that will be fine and if i start school full time then i will have a upass so i dont have to pay for the l. which evens that out. also alot of the classes are free and they have a 12 week program that will give me 4 visits with a fitness coach. and that is free. plus they have a ton of other stuff like soccer that i can participate in. if it wasnt for the start up fee i might have gone with the one across the street but they dont have soccer and i can go to any Y in the country so that is cool too. so anyway i also started a spread sheet on my diet and exercise. i am such a nerd. but this way i can track how often i go to the gym and what classes i take and all that. well for the last 2 days i have been doing great on the weight watchers. 18 points yesterday and i am sure i will get in 18 today, plus all the running around i did yesterday and working out today. i am pretty psyched getting back into it all. and today i swam and rode a bike and then walked home cuz the "l" was on fire and i couldnt take it. the sucky thing is though that i have to walk past cabrini green to get to the Y. but there is a police station right there so ya know if i do get shot at least they can call an ambulance. lol. i am still reading that book didnt really read much yesterday. well i have to find something to do until i go to bed. i even cleaned up a bit today. man that book is a miracle worker.

i got a job! well i still have to have a second interview and all that but it's pretty much mine. we will see though. i will be working with marisa and we will be in the same office (not exactly the best situation for work if you remember drafting) but hopefully we will kick each others asses. i am reading a book that marisa told me about called widly sophisticated and it is excellent i am going to pass it onto cheryl, and i dont pass books on unless i feel that they are awesome. so i have only passed on 1 other book. well it's a serious. so anyway awesome book for young career women or in college or whatever. it's pretty inspiring. it makes me want to work out. and go to work and school and basically conquer the world. so anyway. went up to keith's on friday. at the last minute. and then we had a fight saturday. and a tiny one on sunday but the good news is they were both really short, i did not start them, (which for me that is a relief because now i can say see it's not just me, cuz i think he thinks it's all just me) and we did not scream and yell for the most part. we talked about it like adults and we got through it and i think it has made our communication better and hopefully this is the start of us learning how to fight together and not having to yell and accuse and all that. and we are all good right now. actually last night after we had sex i woke up and i swear for a second i thought i was paralized cuz i couldnt move my legs. then i realized they were just exhausted. i was pretty impressed because normaly i dont like multiple orgasms (quality over quantity for me please) however last night did i not only have the most orgasms i can remember having from sex, but there was no loss of quality, now that's impressive. so i just want to say thank you to keith. well i have a lot of stuff to do today so i need to get moving

had an interview yesterday, it wore me out. the commute was pretty long so i dont really think i will be taking the job. although because marisa refered me i would have it. maybe if i get a car a drive everyday. i was hoping to commute on the metra but then that would take me 2 hours (if you count the bus time and driving time) i am just to lazy for all that. let alone all before work. but maybe if i drive it wont be so bad. who knows we will see. i think if the job was in chicago i would really want it. cuz the guy was super nice and i think i could learn alot from him. i was such a dork during the interview but then again when am i not a dork. i should be used to it by now. so anyway back to organizing i go.

i am so bored! i have been cleaning all day. well not really but it seems like it. i went and got breakfast at like 930, cleaned until 1230 went to the hardware store and got lunch, then cleaned rearranged my furniture and then marisa called and we talked forever, then i spent forever untangling the cords to my computer. and i still have about another hours work to do. plus i have to go to walgreens and i havent even started with the kitchen or bathroom. it's almost all done i just have to figure out a place to put everything. the furniture layout is pretty cool. i am happy with all that and my end tables are all clean and organized and so are my computer wires. it's just organizing all my paper work that i have to do yet. i am just killing time now until it's five oclock cuz thats when i decided to let myself take a break for supper but i am not really cleaning now. well kenny is calling so i am going to and since that will help me put off cleaning until 5

i had 2 other really sweet things keith did for me but now i forgot one. but one thing he did before we were together he bought an extra pillow so i would have one if i ever stayed the night. that's the kind of thought stuff he does all the time. he put my futon together all by himself too. and didnt get pissed and start cussing when he put both the things on backwards and had to redo it. alright well i have to go and eat so i can clean and make my apartment pretty for my new futon. lol. well maybe i will sleep a bit more first

i am sooo tired but i cant sleep. i just want to get home and put my futon together and rearrange the furniture in my apartment. and clean. ok my list of things i like about keith: his laugh, i love hearing him laugh because he doesnt do it very often and when he does it makes me feel good whether i am the cause of it or not, his hands, he has big strong hands, his eyes, basically everything physical about him, i love his sense of humor, he's really smart, he likes to travel and try new things, he would do almost anything to make me happy, he is very tender and caring and thoughtful, but he still can have an attitude which is sexy, i love how he tells me to hush, it's so cute, he doesnt give up easily, he's honest, he makes me feel safe, he calls me all the time or talks to me on the im all the time, he brings out the nurturing side of me and i cant help but want to cuddle with him, he's good to cuddle against, there's just something about him that is special that i cant explain, the way he treats his daughter, he would do anything for the people he cares about, how he works so hard, i love when his foot touches mine when we are laying in bed, i love how just thinking about him or him touching me can make my heart skip a beat, he's an excellent kisser, and he's great in bed, he gets supper or lunch or breakfast which is sweet, he would help me anyway that he could he has done alot of stuff for me which i appreciate, like getting supper or lunch or breakfast, or making it, he went into v.s. to get me an xmas gift, he went shopping with me alot, he drove me home to see my family and actually visited my family with me (which is a very brave thing to do) he reminds me not to spend all my money, he pays for things alot even though he doesnt have to, he paid my phone bill, he offered to let me live in one of his apartments, and he offered to pay me for help with cleaning the apartments when i didnt have a penny, he takes care of me to no end, all i have to do is ask for something and i get it, whether it's a pair of his sweat pants to wear or a ride somewhere or a shoulder to cry on (even though i need to work on that), he came an hour and got a shitty hotel room just to go on a date with me even though i was kinda seeing kenny, he didnt give up on me when i was too stubborn and afraid to say yes right away, he listened to me cry about kyle and stopped me from calling him, i know if i need him he is always there, and that makes me feel safe and that i am not alone which is very important to me, he makes me smile just by coming home, i love how i dont realize how much i miss him until he comes back, it's like not knowing you are holding your breath until you let it out, all he asks for in return is to take his feelings into consideration, he gets joy out of the simple things in life. there's a ton more but i am sleepy and i have a lot more stuff to do before i can lay back down.

i think keith might be mad at me for what i wrote this morning. i know it was crazy for getting upset over a damn dream. it was four in the morning who doesnt get crazy at four in the morning. let alone someone with anxiety that tends to flare up at night. i realize it was crazy i knew it was crazy at the time but i had to write it out or i would never have gotten to sleep. ya know i use this as a way to get all of my negetive emotions out so i dont bottle them up. and so they dont eat at me at night when i am trying to sleep. yeah i put good stuff down too but not nearly as often because i am too busy being happy and experiencing the good stuff to sit down and write about it. i just need an outlet for stuff that worries me and at four in the morning crazy shit worries me. i was up until 630 then finally fell back asleep. until 730 then went back to sleep at 8 then woke up at 840 by the phone and then it wouldnt stop ringing so i didnt get that much sleep last night. i mean the stuff i wrote about after the dream those were serious concerns of mine. but the dream that is just an example of how i can be crazy sometimes. and how shit can eat at me. just think if i wouldnt have this blog. i would be crazy. i cant help that i have anxiety. i am doing all i can. i am even thinking about getting back on the medication. i never said that everything i write in here will make sense or whatever it's shit that goes on in my head. i cant help it. everyone has their crazy shit. other wise people wouldnt meditate or write in journals. there's alot of stuff keith does that's sweet and thoughtful and wonderful but i dont have anxiety over the wonderful stuff. i have a pretty damn good life. i live where i want to live, i love the guy i am with how ever we're together, i have good friends, i am at a healthy weight, i can do just about anything i want, i have a cool apartment even if it does desperately need to be cleaned, i have a good family, i dont think i could ask for anything more, except for the voices in my head to stop. other than my own craziness i am wonderfully happy. which is amazing considering how depressed i was. right now my life could go in any direction i want it to. ok on here i dont give keith the credit he deserves so after i take a nap i am going to write a list of all the wonderful things he has done and said and why i love him so everyone will know how great he is. oh and the sticking a fork in my eye thing, that's from the sopranos, and it is funny, you just have to understand our relationship.

four thirty in the morning and i cant sleep. this sucks ass. i had a bad dream. and now i cant get it out of my head. i had a dream that i was in keith's bedroom (the bed was on the opposite wall) watching will and grace with this other girl (keith was on the couch watching the same thing) well karen (on will and grace) started getting it on with this girl on tv and it was getting pretty detailed (you could see everything on the other girl) and it was funny but hot at the same time. (i know you are thinking this is a bad dream?) well so i get up and go to the bathroom. and start thinking that keith and this girl i am watching tv with are getting it on behind my back so i am trying to hurry up and finish so i can catch them. so i dont flush or wash my hands or anything i just sneak to the door oh and the bathroom was matt's but things were different there too the toilet was on the other wall and the bathtub had a shower curtain and not a glass door so anyway i reach for the doorknob of the bathroom and i here noise. (sex noise) i think maybe it's matt but then keith isnt on the couch and the hall way and living room are exactly like matt's, matt's room is in the same place etc. so i reach for the doorknob of keith's room and i here more noise, like your bad and some moaning and all that well i walk in (and keith's room is eerily the same too, even though earlier the bed was in a different spot) and the were fucking. so that woke me up. and then my mind started picking at shit in real life that could mean that keith is having sex with someone else. i hate this shit. i am so pissed right now. it's like a logical person would think ok who cheats 3 months after being with someone, especially when i want to have sex as much as i do, typically the answer would be no one that would be silly, but then my warped little mind starts thinking someone who would like the thrill of it. not necessarily because they arent happy with their sex life. well keith jumps out of planes for fun. and he is always saying how he wouldnt get caught if he did. and he lied the other day about being on the personals. i asked if he was back on it after he asked me if i was and he said no. well he never went off of it. but then again he has so much shit going on in his life right now i dont think he would have the time or energy to be fucking someone else but then again maybe that is why he is so tired all the time. i hate how my mind plays devils advocate with itself. i dont know the events of the last few days really have me unsure of the whole thing and therefore questioning every little thing. maybe my over thinking is part of all my anxiety and shit and buspar would help that. i forgot to ask dr. A that. i just dont know if i trust keith that much. especially with matt always fucking around on debbie. and sometimes keith gets weird. i dont know. oh and he came and got me this morning well on the way back we started "talking" about our fight friday night. well i asked if he thought it was all me and he was like i am sure i contributed to it somewhat. and his tone was like he was saying i dont really think i contributed to it at all but if i say that you are going to get pissed. and i was really upset when we were fighting because i would say something like "normally when you say things like that (stuff that he says right before i say your mean or that's not nice) i know you are just joking but when you say it over and over it makes me wonder" well his response to that was along the lines of that doesnt make sense or i should still know that he is joking or something like that. well not 2 seconds later he started saying that i think he is just a big asshole and that he is so mean and i was like what the hell were do you get that i have never said you were an asshole, and he said "well when you say it over and over again it makes me wonder" i kid you not that is what he said. and this happened over a couple of different situations where i said something, he dismissed it, but then explained himself the same way but still would not admit that i had a point and was entitled to feel the way i did. and actually every time i pointed it out that i just said that he got really pissed. (like uncalled for pissed) one of these times caused him to knock something off the table by the bed and storm out of the room (but he always admits when he is wrong, right) so i go out there cuz i figure if i dont he will get mad because i am not trying to make it better or i let him storm off or whatever. so i am like no we are going to talk about this and he said i dont want to talk about it and i am like if i would have stormed out like that you would have gotten so pissed. and then he said something along the lines of i dont care or i dont want to talk about it any more and that just pushed me over the edge because it's like well what the hell am i supposed to do with that, go in his room and pout. if he doesnt want to fix it and he just wants to be pissed i dont want to be there. so i didnt think before i spoke and since he kept saying how i thought he was an asshole earlier that was the first thing i thought of. i said fine you are an asshole fuck you take me home. not a moment i am proud of. i dont fight like that, i actually remember being mad at kenny cuz he cussed at me when we fought. i know i was wrong i already admitted that, i apologized after i calmed down and everything. like i said i know i was wrong and i feel awful about it. yesterday when we were talking about it though it's like i didnt want to bring up anything that he did that i was still hurt about because i knew it would cause us to fight again and there was no way in hell i would have fought with him again yesterday especially as soon as we got up here. but it's like he holds a grudge for days. ya know i think that is why i dont know how to make things right because with kyle (i know i am a broken record but he is the only real experience i have to draw on) we didnt do anything like that when the fight was over it was over. but with keith it isnt over until someone does that. and friday night i tried to make it better, but he didnt want to here it he still wanted to be mad. i mean what more can i do if i am standing in the rain crying and saying i am sorry but he just says you are the one who wanted to come home and puts the truck in drive. well fine rub my face in it. i dont know i thought i wasnt mad anymore but i guess i still am. he does this with every fight. it seems he wants me to kiss his ass and apologize and everything but then he wont give me anything back. and yesterday he was like so are you going to give me some later. and i asked him back and he was like no your going to give me some i am not going to give you some. and i thought to myself i know that's how it is. i dont know i am in kind of a negative mood right now. he was sitting there telling me i lied because i said i would tell him whenever there was a problem when there was a problem. well i did say that and at the time i meant it. but i wasnt taking my insecurities into account. but he also said that it's the other persons job to make sure that the one person doesnt get jealous, well he isnt living up to that part. and he was saying how i changed so much from when we started going out. well when we started going out i was secure. no i am not as secure all the time. of course i am going to be moody. but that is the only way i have changed. and i told him i am a very jealous person. but that hurt alot when he kept saying that. it's like what and this is how you were when we first got together. i dont think so. he wasnt telling me, jokingly of course, that he wanted to jab a fork in my eye. and i know where he got that from and i know it was a joke but like i said before when that's all i hear, it makes me wonder, especially if it's like pulling teeth to get him to say that he likes something about me and it's not just if he thinks i am sexy but i want to know what he likes about who i am too especially since he bashed it so bad friday. i dont know i feel like if i bring this stuff up to him then it's going to cause another fight and if i dont it's going to cause another fight. of course i cant bring it up now cuz it's 5 in the morning but i dont know i am just sick of fighting and dont want to willingly say something that i know is going to start a fight. i have had my fill of that for awhile. well i am going to try to sleep now but i dont know if i will be able to.

ok i still dont know where we are going but i know where i want it to go. i am still hurt but not enough to forget that i love keith and not enough to stop my heart from skipping a beat when i think about him. and no it's not the amazing sex talking here (well at least not all of it. ;-). so anyway. i miss him alot. and it's only been one day. it just takes for me to think about one thing that i love about him to make me want to get passed it and wish he was here. i dont know maybe i am being too naive and romantic and all that girly nonsense. ya know another good thing about not being up there all the time, it will force us to talk more. and if i am in school and working then i will have more things to talk about so we are not just listening to each other breath. i hope we see each other tomorrow. ok gotta go to bed now

alright well i still dont know exactly where me and keith are going. i feel like we need some space but it's like wouldnt that be moving backward. but maybe we need that. this sucks. not knowing where it's going. i'm in limbo. i want to be with him but i dont know if we can stand this too much more. i feel like maybe things went to far. and i still dont think that he accepts responsibilty for his part of the fighting. he just puts it all on me. he was saying yesterday how in the truck he was trying to have a conversation and i got mad and started yelling. well the night we started fighting i was just sitting in bed and he asked me once or twice what was wrong and when i said nothing he started yelling and being snotty towards me. i feel that if he wouldnt have acted that way we wouldnt have started fighting. but i know he feels the same way about how i was "giving him attitude" although i didnt even say anything to him i was just laying there. i dont know if we just dont know how to fight with eachother yet or what. but i am not used to these fights that go on for days. the longest fight me and kyle had lasted 2 days. and that was it. and that was a few months after we started dating. then it was like 30 minutes. we had it down to a freaking science. i mean i dont expect me and keith to be like that right away or ever i guess. but i cant handle fighting for a week at a time. lifes too short. think of all the sex we miss. jk (but not really, seriously think about it that's alot of sex) actually i am feeling pretty frustrated right now. we only had sex 3 times last week. i cant believe how sexually attracted to him i am. to me it's amazing. i kinda feel that maybe once we both quit holding back the fighting will get better but i dont know. i dont even really know why we fight so much. i know on my part it is my insecurities. but what about his part. this sucks i cant sleep. i am having redecorating fantasies drift through my head. hmmm maybe i should switch those to some other fantasies. yeah like i need to add to that. so anyway. i am pretty beat. i think i will play the sims for a bit and the pass out. hopefully.

well i have a virus and it is a bitch. but anyway . me and keith have broken up. i think. not really sure. i dont know what he is thinking. he's mad at me because i said "your right you are an asshole, fuck you take me home" which of course would make any one mad. i know i shouldnt have said it i regret saying it, i regret saying it in front of matt. i can understand why he would still be mad about it. i am still mad about a few things too. but i dont really want to get into that right now. i already tried it 3 different times and the virus took over my computer. so i am keeping this one short. i am pretty confused on what i want to do right now. i mean like i said i am mad still about some things and i am pretty hurt right now. and i know keith is too. but i was trying to make things better last night and he chose to stay mad. he says he looks at things from other peoples point of veiw but like i said before that must be for everyone but me. alright now i am getting upset again so i better stop. or this will end up getting long and then deleted by the virus.

i want to put a little disclaimer on here, this is my blog, that means it's my side, my opinions, and the way i feel at the time of writing, that doesnt mean i still feel the same way when i am done, usually after i type something (especially when i am angry for instance) that's it i am done, we all do and say things in anger that we regret. if anyone who knows me and has permission to read this sees something they dont like or thinks that i am not representing their side or that i am making them look bad (now i am not naming names, you know who you are) then that's what the comment box is for. be my guest to say your side or to defend yourself. i have no problem with that. it might even change my mind who knows. or come and talk to me about it. tell me why i am wrong but be prepared to listen to why i think i am right.