VENTING

this whole week has been a black hole for all my happy thoughts. the only time i have been in a good mood is when i exercise. which by the way pilates is evil, but i still love it. although right now i am glad i only have it one day a week. i think that if a body is as sore as mine you should automatically see the difference. well maybe if i didnt have a layer of fat covering everything you could. i think next week after my classes well pilates and martial arts at least i am going to do some cardio. but anyway. i am in a terrible mood. not as bad as last night but i dont have much hope for today. or the weekend for that matter. i just want to growl at people. no one in particular just everyone. at the very least, at the most bite someone's head off. not in the literal sense. i'm watching what i eat. i just feel invisible. i hate feeling like that. i feel that cheryl and marisa are prettier, smarter, more goal oriented, sexier, more fun, just more everything than i am. well actually it's pretty much a fact that they are all of those things. which normally i can deal with but this week i am not doing so well. i just feel pretty much worthless. i am sick of people saying i am lazy too. everyone is always fucking calling me lazy. who fucking cares. it's not hurting them. the only one i hurt when i procrastinate is myself. i am just sick of people trying to run my life. ya know it's like i appreciate the advice but if i sayno i mean no and if you were right all along then you were right but i need to find that out for myself. it's like people get pissed and jealous cuz i dont have to work and i can do what i want and all that well ya know what maybe i am pissed and jealous cuz they all have parents that they dont appreciate. so what if i am lazy. it doesnt hurt anyone but me and when i am tired of sitting on my ass i will get off of it. pointing out how lazy i am is not going to make that happen any sooner. as a matter of fact i just sink a little further down into my chair. even if i had plans to get off my ass that would slow it down. my whole life i have been called lazy even when i wasnt. so i dont keep my apartment spotless. i want to do things that i want to do. and i dont want to clean all the time. ok i rarely want to clean. but everyone has shit they dont like to do. i am not the only person on earth who doesnt like to clean. and i have been cleaning at least once a week lately. but does anyone say anything about that. oh no. i am not the only person on earth who doesnt have a job or doesnt go to school. and that is only for right now anyway. i am just so pissed. why is it that everyone thinks they need to tell me how to run my life. contrary to popular belief no one needs to think for me. i have gotten through almost 22 yrs of life w/o the help of most people i think i can manage the rest. i mean i dont mind hearing opinions once in awhile but when people are constantly saying what i should do then that gets on my nerves. the only person that i couldnt have made it this far with out is dr. abramson. that doesnt mean i am not happy for the people in my life and that i dont appreciate them or what they brought into mylife but it means that i dont need people thinking for me. i dont need people dressing me, or rearranging my apartment for me. etc. it might take me awhile to decide but i can come up with an answer on my own. all that just makes me feel more invisible and that people dont appreciate me for the good things that i bring. ya know they dont take into consideration the things that make me me. and they dont love me for who i am cuz everyone wants me to be someone different. well if ya didnt like me the way i was why would you hang around me. yeah i dont dress great all the time but i am in the process of losing weight and i dont have the money to go out every other week to buy new clothes to fit me so i have to wear baggy clothes for awhile. i mean yeah if i got a job i could go shopping everyother week but i dont want to go shopping that bad. that would be a waste of money. i am fine wearing baggy clothes until i am where i want to be.i like my apartment the way it is. i like being able to do what i want when i want. i like that if i wanted to i could spend a week with keith or go on a trip or join 3 classes at the Y and get in shape in time for summer! i like that i can drop any damn thing i want to and do anything i want to. i like that the only person or thing that i have an obligation to is myself and what i want to do. i have never fucking had that so you bet your ass i am going to enjoy it. i am glad i didnt get pregnant young or marry kyle hell it's bad enough i bought that damn house. i am glad i dont know what i want to do with the rest of my life right now cuz if i did then i would be going full speed ahead for that and i wouldnt have time to enjoy my life. enjoy the city that i just moved to. even if my way of enjoying it isnt the same as everyone elses. i am the one who enjoys it my way so freaking let me. i dont know part of this has to do with marisa and kenny and the other part has to do with the fact that it is getting close to when my mom died and i am missing her. more than i have in the past. well at least during this time of yr. ya know. normally it doesnt fluctuate that much i just miss her alot but i dont know now it just fucking sucks. i am getting pissed all over again. and alot of it has to do with the fact that it seems like most people dont like me for who i am. but ya know what i like me just fine so if you dont get away from me. i just think i need to seriously spend the day by myself and not talk to anyone cuz i am just going to be bitchy and bring everyone else down and that's not cool. i mean my mood is really noone elses fault. marisa and cheryl and everyone else didnt do a damn thing to me, they are completely innocent and dont even know i am upset. but my mood has just been snowballing this week. one unhappy thought leads to four unhappy thoughts ya know. well i need to eat. maybe then i will feel better.