i think keith might be mad at me for what i wrote this morning. i know it was crazy for getting upset over a damn dream. it was four in the morning who doesnt get crazy at four in the morning. let alone someone with anxiety that tends to flare up at night. i realize it was crazy i knew it was crazy at the time but i had to write it out or i would never have gotten to sleep. ya know i use this as a way to get all of my negetive emotions out so i dont bottle them up. and so they dont eat at me at night when i am trying to sleep. yeah i put good stuff down too but not nearly as often because i am too busy being happy and experiencing the good stuff to sit down and write about it. i just need an outlet for stuff that worries me and at four in the morning crazy shit worries me. i was up until 630 then finally fell back asleep. until 730 then went back to sleep at 8 then woke up at 840 by the phone and then it wouldnt stop ringing so i didnt get that much sleep last night. i mean the stuff i wrote about after the dream those were serious concerns of mine. but the dream that is just an example of how i can be crazy sometimes. and how shit can eat at me. just think if i wouldnt have this blog. i would be crazy. i cant help that i have anxiety. i am doing all i can. i am even thinking about getting back on the medication. i never said that everything i write in here will make sense or whatever it's shit that goes on in my head. i cant help it. everyone has their crazy shit. other wise people wouldnt meditate or write in journals. there's alot of stuff keith does that's sweet and thoughtful and wonderful but i dont have anxiety over the wonderful stuff. i have a pretty damn good life. i live where i want to live, i love the guy i am with how ever we're together, i have good friends, i am at a healthy weight, i can do just about anything i want, i have a cool apartment even if it does desperately need to be cleaned, i have a good family, i dont think i could ask for anything more, except for the voices in my head to stop. other than my own craziness i am wonderfully happy. which is amazing considering how depressed i was. right now my life could go in any direction i want it to. ok on here i dont give keith the credit he deserves so after i take a nap i am going to write a list of all the wonderful things he has done and said and why i love him so everyone will know how great he is. oh and the sticking a fork in my eye thing, that's from the sopranos, and it is funny, you just have to understand our relationship.