this crap is fucking ridiculous. i dont see how we can go from being fine and happy and having a good time to this stupid shit. i also dont see how everytime i get into a bad mood it starts an argument. ok here's what happened. from my point of view, obviously there are 2 sides. ok the night before last night no sex. so i wake him up with a blowjob, well i had my doubts about doing that cuz he said he was tired and he might not necessarily want one so i debated about it and fell asleep, well he turned over and that woke me up a little bit so the next thing i know before i could think about it i was down there. so then we had some good sex, so he gets home from work and the night before he was saying how i should have dinner on the table (with what food?) and he was just joking. so anyway then we are bumming around, and he brings up how his friend (who left his wife for some chick) got a candlelit dinner, wine, and all this other crap from his girlfriend and she makes him breakfast and lunch, and he brought this up a couple of times. and i was like well would you rather have breakfast made or get woken up with a blow job. and he was like well the other guy probably gets both. and it's like again with what food am i supposed to make something. and i dont remember him even kissing me yesterday. and we were watching the sopranos and he said something about they didnt show the strip club in the last episode that we watched. just joking of course. and then the next one they had some strippers on there and the strippers in that show barely move, i dont know i have never been to a strip club but i would hope that the girls aren't just standing there swaying to the music. i mean if that's all it is i could do better. and he was like well lets see you do better. why the hell is he defending strippers on tv. and then later he said that every time a girl comes on tv i give him an attitude, i did not give him an attitude because a girl was on tv i gave him an attitude because he was he kept saying lets see you do better. and i could if that's all stripping is. and when i was getting ready to take a shower he was all like i cant stay up late tonight and the way he said it was like dont even think about sex. when last night he was like tomorrow i promise or whatever. and he's like well i haven't been feeling good all day. fine you dont feel good. i understand. so i got in a bad mood. i started feeling bad thinking it was me or whatever and not feeling good about myself. so i was just watching tv. well apparently the way i was watching tv was giving him attitude so he was like what's wrong, and of course i said nothing. so then he started getting mad. and he was like why dont you just tell me, you say you say something when there is a problem but you dont, great another night with no sleep (yeah freakin right, not for him) and it's like i do say stuff when somethings wrong, when i am ready to. not when i am yelled at and pressured to say it. that shit throws me off and i cant fucking think. so then i say what's bugging me and do i get any comfort or affection. oh no. i get what the hell did i do i was just laying here i didnt do anything. and then i dont remember if this was before or after i told him what was wrong but he was like remember i'm not the one who started this. ummm yeah ya are. if we have to be in second grade. i was just going to watch tv and then go to sleep and hopefully wake up in a better mood or whatever. i mean it's embarrassing to feel like the guy you are with doesn't want to have sex with you. or that you feel fat or ugly, or whatever. it's not necessarily something i want to talk about. and definitely not until i am ready to talk about. but i dont see why when i did say something he got so defensive. why cant i just say something with out causing an argument. i wasn't blaming him i was just telling him how i felt. he asked. why ask if you cant handle the answer. and then i went to get out of bed and go to the bathroom and i went to the foot of the bed so i wouldn't get on his leg cuz i did that earlier and i hurt his leg. and he was like yeah about kill yourself cuz you dont want to touch me. (sometimes i seriously wish i could see how him and his ex fought because some of the shit that comes out of his mouth when we are fighting is just crazy and it's like was he always this way or was she just a super bitch) he says i over analyze what he says too much but he does the same thing. if i am quiet something has to be wrong, if i go to the edge of the bed so i dont land on him then it's cuz i dont want to touch him and will go out of my way not to. whatever. and then i get hot and i am kinda hungry and cant sleep so i get up and come in the kitchen to eat and cool off and he comes storming out saying something like well lets get this over with and then he said something that made it seems like he thought i came out to the kitchen just to piss him off or take it out on him or whatever. and it's like i couldn't believe what i was hearing. it had nothing to do with the fact that i was mad at him. i dont know it's like he says that he always looks at shit from other peoples perspective but i dont think he does, at least not mine. at least he doesn't take into account the differences between us. he might be like oh well i wouldn't care but obviously i do but he thinks that since he doesn't care that i shouldn't either. and he says i need to tell him what's wrong no matter what but then when i do and if it is about him then he doesn't want to hear it. and he assumes that i cant stand him or what ever because of one thing. oh and he says i always turn shit around on him but last night he was like well if you dont want to be with me...... and it was like yeah me getting upset because i feel that you dont find me attractive means that i dont want to be with you. where in your warped little mind did you come up with that shit. and then he says oh i am all about 50/50 and compromise and all that shit. well where is the compromise in this shit. ya know this all boils down to the same argument we always have. it's just in a new form. and he always makes it feel like i cant do anything right and that it's my fault and all that shit even when it is his fault. i wasn't mad last night, not until he started in with being bitching as soon as he thought that i was upset about something. that's not very sensitive to my feelings how would he feel if something was wrong with him and i just start bitching at him. ya know i think this blog does more harm than good. i use it to get out the negative shit in my head so i am not carrying it around so then i am over whatever had me so pissed or i am not that pissed about it so i dont feel the need to talk about it anymore. when what i need to do is just let him have it one of these times. but then i know how that is going to end up. with him saying well if you dont like anything about me then why are you with me or him saying why do you have to yell at me. or something else. i dont want to fight. and i cant fight with out raising my voice and if i raise my voice a little bit he acts like i am screaming my head off. and when i get mad or passionate about something the louder i get. in my family we yell. that's the way it was. so i yell. when i am done yelling i am not mad anymore. i know not the best way to communicate but it takes alot to change and i haven't exactly had that much time. oh and when i am ready to talk about stuff and i have what i am going to say then he is sleeping. i cant think when someone is bitching at me. it just makes me mad. and makes me loose my train of thought and then i dont know how i want to say something or what i want to say and then when that person is bitching at me and asking me what's wrong and then when i need a second to think about it and before i can even think about it he starts bitching again. how the hell am i supposed to answer anything. and last night he wakes up and asks me something and then when i am in the middle of answering he fucking falls back asleep what the fuck is that about. if you want to fight and you know the minute you lay down you are going to fall asleep then it is pretty fucking rude to lay down. oh and then last night i had to listen to matt and his new thang have sex. rub it in why dont you. and then i wake up this morning with are we going to be arguing when i get home. what the fuck is that!?! ya know if you want to be then just say that. how is someone supposed to answer that in a positive manner. that pisses me off when he asks that. maybe if you were fucking nice to me we wouldn't but you got to start the day off with bitching. i mean most of the time when he asks that i am not pissed all i want to do is just have a reasonable discussion about it at the most, sometimes let it go all together if it isn't that big of a fight but as soon as that shit comes out of his mouth i want to put the gloves back on and go another round. maybe it's just me being onery (or how ever you spell it) but god that just gets under my skin. damn i have this horrible cramp in my side right now. i am going to lay down