four thirty in the morning and i cant sleep. this sucks ass. i had a bad dream. and now i cant get it out of my head. i had a dream that i was in keith's bedroom (the bed was on the opposite wall) watching will and grace with this other girl (keith was on the couch watching the same thing) well karen (on will and grace) started getting it on with this girl on tv and it was getting pretty detailed (you could see everything on the other girl) and it was funny but hot at the same time. (i know you are thinking this is a bad dream?) well so i get up and go to the bathroom. and start thinking that keith and this girl i am watching tv with are getting it on behind my back so i am trying to hurry up and finish so i can catch them. so i dont flush or wash my hands or anything i just sneak to the door oh and the bathroom was matt's but things were different there too the toilet was on the other wall and the bathtub had a shower curtain and not a glass door so anyway i reach for the doorknob of the bathroom and i here noise. (sex noise) i think maybe it's matt but then keith isnt on the couch and the hall way and living room are exactly like matt's, matt's room is in the same place etc. so i reach for the doorknob of keith's room and i here more noise, like your bad and some moaning and all that well i walk in (and keith's room is eerily the same too, even though earlier the bed was in a different spot) and the were fucking. so that woke me up. and then my mind started picking at shit in real life that could mean that keith is having sex with someone else. i hate this shit. i am so pissed right now. it's like a logical person would think ok who cheats 3 months after being with someone, especially when i want to have sex as much as i do, typically the answer would be no one that would be silly, but then my warped little mind starts thinking someone who would like the thrill of it. not necessarily because they arent happy with their sex life. well keith jumps out of planes for fun. and he is always saying how he wouldnt get caught if he did. and he lied the other day about being on the personals. i asked if he was back on it after he asked me if i was and he said no. well he never went off of it. but then again he has so much shit going on in his life right now i dont think he would have the time or energy to be fucking someone else but then again maybe that is why he is so tired all the time. i hate how my mind plays devils advocate with itself. i dont know the events of the last few days really have me unsure of the whole thing and therefore questioning every little thing. maybe my over thinking is part of all my anxiety and shit and buspar would help that. i forgot to ask dr. A that. i just dont know if i trust keith that much. especially with matt always fucking around on debbie. and sometimes keith gets weird. i dont know. oh and he came and got me this morning well on the way back we started "talking" about our fight friday night. well i asked if he thought it was all me and he was like i am sure i contributed to it somewhat. and his tone was like he was saying i dont really think i contributed to it at all but if i say that you are going to get pissed. and i was really upset when we were fighting because i would say something like "normally when you say things like that (stuff that he says right before i say your mean or that's not nice) i know you are just joking but when you say it over and over it makes me wonder" well his response to that was along the lines of that doesnt make sense or i should still know that he is joking or something like that. well not 2 seconds later he started saying that i think he is just a big asshole and that he is so mean and i was like what the hell were do you get that i have never said you were an asshole, and he said "well when you say it over and over again it makes me wonder" i kid you not that is what he said. and this happened over a couple of different situations where i said something, he dismissed it, but then explained himself the same way but still would not admit that i had a point and was entitled to feel the way i did. and actually every time i pointed it out that i just said that he got really pissed. (like uncalled for pissed) one of these times caused him to knock something off the table by the bed and storm out of the room (but he always admits when he is wrong, right) so i go out there cuz i figure if i dont he will get mad because i am not trying to make it better or i let him storm off or whatever. so i am like no we are going to talk about this and he said i dont want to talk about it and i am like if i would have stormed out like that you would have gotten so pissed. and then he said something along the lines of i dont care or i dont want to talk about it any more and that just pushed me over the edge because it's like well what the hell am i supposed to do with that, go in his room and pout. if he doesnt want to fix it and he just wants to be pissed i dont want to be there. so i didnt think before i spoke and since he kept saying how i thought he was an asshole earlier that was the first thing i thought of. i said fine you are an asshole fuck you take me home. not a moment i am proud of. i dont fight like that, i actually remember being mad at kenny cuz he cussed at me when we fought. i know i was wrong i already admitted that, i apologized after i calmed down and everything. like i said i know i was wrong and i feel awful about it. yesterday when we were talking about it though it's like i didnt want to bring up anything that he did that i was still hurt about because i knew it would cause us to fight again and there was no way in hell i would have fought with him again yesterday especially as soon as we got up here. but it's like he holds a grudge for days. ya know i think that is why i dont know how to make things right because with kyle (i know i am a broken record but he is the only real experience i have to draw on) we didnt do anything like that when the fight was over it was over. but with keith it isnt over until someone does that. and friday night i tried to make it better, but he didnt want to here it he still wanted to be mad. i mean what more can i do if i am standing in the rain crying and saying i am sorry but he just says you are the one who wanted to come home and puts the truck in drive. well fine rub my face in it. i dont know i thought i wasnt mad anymore but i guess i still am. he does this with every fight. it seems he wants me to kiss his ass and apologize and everything but then he wont give me anything back. and yesterday he was like so are you going to give me some later. and i asked him back and he was like no your going to give me some i am not going to give you some. and i thought to myself i know that's how it is. i dont know i am in kind of a negative mood right now. he was sitting there telling me i lied because i said i would tell him whenever there was a problem when there was a problem. well i did say that and at the time i meant it. but i wasnt taking my insecurities into account. but he also said that it's the other persons job to make sure that the one person doesnt get jealous, well he isnt living up to that part. and he was saying how i changed so much from when we started going out. well when we started going out i was secure. no i am not as secure all the time. of course i am going to be moody. but that is the only way i have changed. and i told him i am a very jealous person. but that hurt alot when he kept saying that. it's like what and this is how you were when we first got together. i dont think so. he wasnt telling me, jokingly of course, that he wanted to jab a fork in my eye. and i know where he got that from and i know it was a joke but like i said before when that's all i hear, it makes me wonder, especially if it's like pulling teeth to get him to say that he likes something about me and it's not just if he thinks i am sexy but i want to know what he likes about who i am too especially since he bashed it so bad friday. i dont know i feel like if i bring this stuff up to him then it's going to cause another fight and if i dont it's going to cause another fight. of course i cant bring it up now cuz it's 5 in the morning but i dont know i am just sick of fighting and dont want to willingly say something that i know is going to start a fight. i have had my fill of that for awhile. well i am going to try to sleep now but i dont know if i will be able to.