i had some goofy ass dreams last night. all about keith of course. one he called me on the phone and asked me if i wanted him to tell me he loved me first. it was weird. they were all kinda odd. i dont really remember anything about the other ones i just remember feeling like that was weird. actually i guess it was more earlier to day cuz it was after i went back to sleep. i think me and keith are better, i am not quite sure though cuz i think he might still be a little upset cuz i wouldnt say i was sorry for the fight. i dont feel i have anything to apologize over. i will explain more later after i talk with him. although he was very sweet and brought me breakfast this morning. and last night i mentioned that i really liked it when he kissed me while we had sex so then it seemed he was kissing me the whole time after that. *sigh* it's nice to have someone who actually listens and then actually cares enough to do them. (well most things) even if he insists that he is always right even when he is not.

this crap is fucking ridiculous. i dont see how we can go from being fine and happy and having a good time to this stupid shit. i also dont see how everytime i get into a bad mood it starts an argument. ok here's what happened. from my point of view, obviously there are 2 sides. ok the night before last night no sex. so i wake him up with a blowjob, well i had my doubts about doing that cuz he said he was tired and he might not necessarily want one so i debated about it and fell asleep, well he turned over and that woke me up a little bit so the next thing i know before i could think about it i was down there. so then we had some good sex, so he gets home from work and the night before he was saying how i should have dinner on the table (with what food?) and he was just joking. so anyway then we are bumming around, and he brings up how his friend (who left his wife for some chick) got a candlelit dinner, wine, and all this other crap from his girlfriend and she makes him breakfast and lunch, and he brought this up a couple of times. and i was like well would you rather have breakfast made or get woken up with a blow job. and he was like well the other guy probably gets both. and it's like again with what food am i supposed to make something. and i dont remember him even kissing me yesterday. and we were watching the sopranos and he said something about they didnt show the strip club in the last episode that we watched. just joking of course. and then the next one they had some strippers on there and the strippers in that show barely move, i dont know i have never been to a strip club but i would hope that the girls aren't just standing there swaying to the music. i mean if that's all it is i could do better. and he was like well lets see you do better. why the hell is he defending strippers on tv. and then later he said that every time a girl comes on tv i give him an attitude, i did not give him an attitude because a girl was on tv i gave him an attitude because he was he kept saying lets see you do better. and i could if that's all stripping is. and when i was getting ready to take a shower he was all like i cant stay up late tonight and the way he said it was like dont even think about sex. when last night he was like tomorrow i promise or whatever. and he's like well i haven't been feeling good all day. fine you dont feel good. i understand. so i got in a bad mood. i started feeling bad thinking it was me or whatever and not feeling good about myself. so i was just watching tv. well apparently the way i was watching tv was giving him attitude so he was like what's wrong, and of course i said nothing. so then he started getting mad. and he was like why dont you just tell me, you say you say something when there is a problem but you dont, great another night with no sleep (yeah freakin right, not for him) and it's like i do say stuff when somethings wrong, when i am ready to. not when i am yelled at and pressured to say it. that shit throws me off and i cant fucking think. so then i say what's bugging me and do i get any comfort or affection. oh no. i get what the hell did i do i was just laying here i didnt do anything. and then i dont remember if this was before or after i told him what was wrong but he was like remember i'm not the one who started this. ummm yeah ya are. if we have to be in second grade. i was just going to watch tv and then go to sleep and hopefully wake up in a better mood or whatever. i mean it's embarrassing to feel like the guy you are with doesn't want to have sex with you. or that you feel fat or ugly, or whatever. it's not necessarily something i want to talk about. and definitely not until i am ready to talk about. but i dont see why when i did say something he got so defensive. why cant i just say something with out causing an argument. i wasn't blaming him i was just telling him how i felt. he asked. why ask if you cant handle the answer. and then i went to get out of bed and go to the bathroom and i went to the foot of the bed so i wouldn't get on his leg cuz i did that earlier and i hurt his leg. and he was like yeah about kill yourself cuz you dont want to touch me. (sometimes i seriously wish i could see how him and his ex fought because some of the shit that comes out of his mouth when we are fighting is just crazy and it's like was he always this way or was she just a super bitch) he says i over analyze what he says too much but he does the same thing. if i am quiet something has to be wrong, if i go to the edge of the bed so i dont land on him then it's cuz i dont want to touch him and will go out of my way not to. whatever. and then i get hot and i am kinda hungry and cant sleep so i get up and come in the kitchen to eat and cool off and he comes storming out saying something like well lets get this over with and then he said something that made it seems like he thought i came out to the kitchen just to piss him off or take it out on him or whatever. and it's like i couldn't believe what i was hearing. it had nothing to do with the fact that i was mad at him. i dont know it's like he says that he always looks at shit from other peoples perspective but i dont think he does, at least not mine. at least he doesn't take into account the differences between us. he might be like oh well i wouldn't care but obviously i do but he thinks that since he doesn't care that i shouldn't either. and he says i need to tell him what's wrong no matter what but then when i do and if it is about him then he doesn't want to hear it. and he assumes that i cant stand him or what ever because of one thing. oh and he says i always turn shit around on him but last night he was like well if you dont want to be with me...... and it was like yeah me getting upset because i feel that you dont find me attractive means that i dont want to be with you. where in your warped little mind did you come up with that shit. and then he says oh i am all about 50/50 and compromise and all that shit. well where is the compromise in this shit. ya know this all boils down to the same argument we always have. it's just in a new form. and he always makes it feel like i cant do anything right and that it's my fault and all that shit even when it is his fault. i wasn't mad last night, not until he started in with being bitching as soon as he thought that i was upset about something. that's not very sensitive to my feelings how would he feel if something was wrong with him and i just start bitching at him. ya know i think this blog does more harm than good. i use it to get out the negative shit in my head so i am not carrying it around so then i am over whatever had me so pissed or i am not that pissed about it so i dont feel the need to talk about it anymore. when what i need to do is just let him have it one of these times. but then i know how that is going to end up. with him saying well if you dont like anything about me then why are you with me or him saying why do you have to yell at me. or something else. i dont want to fight. and i cant fight with out raising my voice and if i raise my voice a little bit he acts like i am screaming my head off. and when i get mad or passionate about something the louder i get. in my family we yell. that's the way it was. so i yell. when i am done yelling i am not mad anymore. i know not the best way to communicate but it takes alot to change and i haven't exactly had that much time. oh and when i am ready to talk about stuff and i have what i am going to say then he is sleeping. i cant think when someone is bitching at me. it just makes me mad. and makes me loose my train of thought and then i dont know how i want to say something or what i want to say and then when that person is bitching at me and asking me what's wrong and then when i need a second to think about it and before i can even think about it he starts bitching again. how the hell am i supposed to answer anything. and last night he wakes up and asks me something and then when i am in the middle of answering he fucking falls back asleep what the fuck is that about. if you want to fight and you know the minute you lay down you are going to fall asleep then it is pretty fucking rude to lay down. oh and then last night i had to listen to matt and his new thang have sex. rub it in why dont you. and then i wake up this morning with are we going to be arguing when i get home. what the fuck is that!?! ya know if you want to be then just say that. how is someone supposed to answer that in a positive manner. that pisses me off when he asks that. maybe if you were fucking nice to me we wouldn't but you got to start the day off with bitching. i mean most of the time when he asks that i am not pissed all i want to do is just have a reasonable discussion about it at the most, sometimes let it go all together if it isn't that big of a fight but as soon as that shit comes out of his mouth i want to put the gloves back on and go another round. maybe it's just me being onery (or how ever you spell it) but god that just gets under my skin. damn i have this horrible cramp in my side right now. i am going to lay down

damn i just pigged out on some damn good chicken wings. ya know when you have a craving for something and usually it turns out shitty but then once in awhile it turns out way better than you have ever had. mmmm. yum. so anyway. i had a decent weekend. i got all nervous and crap on the way down there. and most of the day on friday. worrying myself sick that i would see kyle. but then i got to cheryls and didnt worry about. although then i actually did see him. i didnt run into him or anything but we went to supervalue and hardee's is right there and he was walking in to hardee's. i wasnt too upset. i was a little sad for like a split second. so then i am just chilling out all weekend, go to elizabeth's party, have sunday dinner, and then i went to dr. a.'s. i was already in a pretty good mood going in there. although i was a bit nervous cuz i hadnt been in awhile. so i told him about how i was still pissed at kyle and he was saying that that was just because i felt that he abandoned me and never apologized (which is true i do want him to apologize) and that i need to remind myself who he isnt. he's not my mom, or my dad, and that my life is better with out him than with him. so true. thanks dr. a. i also told him about keith. all about keith. at first he wasnt sure cuz i mentioned that we have communication problems and that keith is insecure but i only mentioned that stuff first cuz i wanted to be sure to get to it and i was afraid if i just started in with all the good things we would never get to the stuff i wanted to ask him about. but then i told him all the good stuff and that seemed to relieve his worries. he said i need to take an emotional risk with keith. and then the dreams about kyle will stop. and that i need to build up the good qualities of our relationship but still watch out for the insecurities and communication problems. and not ignore them. he also said that keith should probably talk to someone about his insecurities. but then i told him how keith had a bad experience and all that. but he said that i should tell keith that there is an adjustment period with every dr. and patient and that there are some dr's that arent good. i dont know if it will do anything though. he also gave me the name of a place where i can go and take classes on dream interpretation. very cool. oh and he said that keith probably doesnt want to say that we are boyfriend and girlfriend cuz he is scared to be someone's boyfriend cuz then he might get hurt. that makes sense, i dont know if that is how it is and of course dr. A doesnt know for sure either he is just guessing. and he also said about our communication problems that if 2 people are communicating honestly there are going to be fights. and that when i dont tell keith what's wrong right away because i havent decided if it's something i want to fight over or get into a discussion about that that is a reasonable action. and i told him how i get moody when i feel that i am not important to keith. we talked about alot of stuff. also about how when i say something to keith he actually listens and responds. and how nice that is. well i am tired of typing right now but if i think of anything else we talk about or anything important i will put it in here. oh yeah i almost forgot that i had another dream last night, just keith this time. i was leaving, going somewhere, like to the store or something, and he was on the phone, and i told him that i was going and he was like i love you and i said i love you too and we both kinda looked at eachother and then hugged and kissed and it was very sweet. well anyway i am tired i need to take a nap

i just ordered some chicken wings and the guy was giving me shit. what the hell. he was like i need a phone number and i was like dont have it. and he's like your calling me from a phone you have to have a number. and i was like i dont know it. and he's like you got a home number and i was like yeah but i dont know this one it's not mine. and he's like just give me your phone number so we have one. it's like damn i just want some chicken wings. he was getting snotty. have a lot to tell but i have to go and pick up my wings.

i am so freaking bored right now i hate waiting for shit. like having to wait all day for this train when if i had a car i could be gone already. it's like when i am going somewhere and i have to be on time for the train i am either running really late and my blood pressure is through the roof and i freak out or i am really early and have to wait for ever and still end up running really late. i guess i should finish packing.

well i am getting my shit packed for the weekend. i was going to clean before i left but i am a little sore from someone beating the crap out of me yesterday. nah i am not that bad but i am tired so i am just going to pack and make a dr and dentist appointment, then get in the shower and go eat. i was even going to do laundry before i left but it's like wait a minute. i can do it when i get to my grandma's. i was going to get a portable dvd player last night and take the sopranos for the train ride but i didnt. that would have been cool though. it would have taken no time at all for me to get home. but no i didnt. so now i am going to be kinda bored the whole way home. i like the train rides but sometimes they are just too boring. i just remembered i have to bring all those water bottles for my grandma. i really dont want to pack. i feel very lazy right now. hmm i think i want portillos before i go home. not that i need it. but it is damn yummy. i am thinking when i get back i am going to try to do a spread sheet on my diet and working out and all that. i need to get my ass motivated!!!!

i was talking to kenny about this dream i had last night, and it was cool cuz he had taken a class and during the class they went over dream interpretation. but i was hoping when i go back to get into a class like that. cuz i know some of the dreams i have are symbolic. like this one time i had a dream where i was getting married (to kyle....it was a long time ago) and we were running late but i wasnt going to get married until dr. A got there cuz he had to sew haphazardous onto the back of my dress (a la football player style) and last night my dream was about me and kenny and keith all eating at this bar (it was dark inside like bars usually are and we were eating wings) in chicago, well keith went to go to the bathroom and i noticed someone standing next to me staring well i just kept on eating but eventually i look up and it's kyle's mom and she is glaring at me, well i was really shocked to see her cuz 1 why the hell is she in chicago and 2 how the hell did we end up in the same place at the same time. and his little sister carrie is behind her but she will barely even look at me. so i was like ohmigod what are you doing here and i introduced her to kenny (this is my friend kenny) and she seemed to relax and stuff well i went to the bathroom and when i got back keith was back. as i was walking to the table i was thinking crap, they were happy when they found out i wasnt with kenny, and pissed when they thought i was, when they find out i am with keith they are going to be really upset and hurt, but if i dont give keith a kiss (kinda like a hello kiss) then he is going to be really hurt so i end up giving him a kiss. i dont remember what happened after that. but anyway, kenny was saying how that i know where kenny stands and that we are just friends and that keith is my boyfriend and that i picked keith over kyle's family. which i remember thinking when i got up that i picked him. but what really made it weird was that keith and kenny and i were all out together and having a good time. i have had other dreams where i have picked keith over kyle and stuff. but it was also weird that it was kyle's family this time. cuz i was always like i would miss his family more and that was one excuse that i used not to break up with him was because i would miss his family so much. so that was really weird. i just want to being able to figure out dreams that i have that i know are significant on my own so i know what they mean right away. i have de ja vu alot too. the last time i had it was when keith and i were staying in elizabeth's room. it was right down to the quilt we were laying on which she had just gotten and i hadnt seen until that weekend. i had a lot of de ja vu about keith after we got together. it seemed like almost every time we saw each other i was like man i have been here before. or he's said that before. i dream about him alot too. more than any one else. well i was dreaming about kyle alot a little while ago but like i said i also have had a few dreams where i pick keith over kyle. whenever they are in the same dream that is how it goes. ya know what's weird i dont dream about other people in my life that much. like i dream about my mom once in awhile, but cheryl and marisa and my grandma and aunt and brothers i barely dream about them. i wonder why that is. maybe because i see keith more, but i never dreamed about kyle that much when we were together. like i remember having dreams where he cheated on me or something like that or the marriage dream. i had a few of those. but i definitly did not have dreams about him right after we started going out. i dont know. that's why i want to be able to tell what the hell they mean. i was glad that kenny didnt seem upset or what ever about his roll in my dream. i was worried how he would take it. cuz in the dream i introduce him as my friend and i kiss keith. but he was like wow i feel special cuz the people at the table were people who are important in your life so i must be important to you. and i was like of course you are. and he was the one who came up with the dream was showing me were people in my life are. (he's my friend keith is my boyfriend) although i had no confusion about that, but now maybe he wont either. oh and he was like you not wanting to kiss keith that didnt have anything to do with me being there did it and i was like no and he's like that's good. so that was cool.

well i am going home for the weekend. i am getting pissed cuz i cannot by the ticket over the internet because my card's security number is worn off, but it's not even in bad condition, so i will have to wait for another one, and they will take this one. so then i wont have any way to get money or anything, that is crap. so i have to go an hour early tomorrow to get my ticket. that pisses me off. but anyway. i am kinda looking forward to going home but not really, like i am cuz of cheryl and elizabeth and definitly dr abramson. i seriously need to talk to him. ya know i dont know why i dont have energy when i am not taking caffine pills. i was like this in highschool too. but it's like if i dont take them then i dont feel like doing anything. i havent started exercising yet. i am such a slack ass. i will get back monday night. so i will try to start tuesday. and i will have food and stuff to make chili so that is all good. i just actually have to work out. i think in 5 weeks i could reasonably lose at least 10lbs probably more like 10-15. so by the time i actually have to buy a swimsuit i will be very close to my goal. if i just get off my ass. i have been doing more but then the eating bad when i am up here is killing it. so no more of that. just one day to eat whatever i want. and that will be only if i work out all my days during the week. i am going to miss keith alot when i am down home. that's the really crappy part about going back. but he is taking me home tonight and then picking me up monday night. so that will be alright. hopefully. i am pretty excited to see my dr again though. i have been watching the sopranos and that makes me want to go and see him, that and eat krispy kreme donuts. mmmmmm....donuts. so anyway. i will get home thursday night, friday go to the dr, maybe go to the dentist while i am down there, i think i am getting my first cavatie or how ever you spell it. then saturday is the birthday party, sunday i am thinking of taking elizabeth out to breakfast and then to toys r us to pick up her present. i also want to go to famous barr and jcpenny's cuz i know the jcpenny's down there has the stuff i like to use for my hair and i will actually be able to fit in the clothes at famous so i want to go and get some shirts and maybe a skirt. not too much stuff. but i do need a shirt for that miniskirt. so ya know. busy busy. sunday i have sunday dinner, and then on monday i am coming home, maybe i will go to tom and michelle's while i am down and ride the horses. that would be cool. and see grandma and grandpa. that's another reason i hate going home, never enough time to see everybody, and yet when i was home i never visited these people and they never visited me except cheryl and grandma.

my place is trashed!!! still. i never cleaned last week now i am wishing i had. i also gained back almost all the weight i lost over the weekend. that sucks ass. especially considering i dont remember eating all that much, well except the krispy kremes. but i also wasnt taking the xenadrine. i left it here. and i was laying in bed all weekend.well i got a little exercise on saturday, not to mention riding back on the bike. i am pretty happy with the clothes i got from old navy, oh and when i was shopping i think that the size 10 pants i was trying on were too big. now i dont know if that is just from keith asking me if i buy my pants too big on purpose or what. so that would mean i am now like a 9. so i would be down to single digits. that's a very exciting thing. especially since kyle's little sister was a nine and she was tiny. i know my ass is bigger than her's and she had a flat stomach, but then again she was only 16. i was still a size five at 16. but i am just saying that i couldnt imagine being as tiny as her and if we have the same size pants i would feel pretty good. so anyway, i have to get dressed and do a few things, like grocery shopping and getting a new toothbrush. and then trying to distract myself from watching any more of the soprano's w/o keith. he is so cute. already i cant wait to see him and he's only been gone for 4 hours. this week is going to be rough. i am debating on whether or not to go home this weekend. i am leaning toward doing it. because i have never been around for one of elizabeth's birthdays. 2 things are holding me back. one is i want keith to come with me cuz i definetly dont want to go 2 weeks w/o seeing him. and 2 i want to loose more weight before i go down. although i say that everytime. i want to be in the best shape ever, everytime i go down. part of that is because i want kyle to choke on his stupidity when he sees me (even though i know that i shouldnt put so much emphasis on how i look, it's like i know he shouldnt regret breaking up with me just cuz i look good, but lets face it he is a shallow ass and i dont plan on chatting with him so he wont know how happy i am so getting in awesome shape is really the only way to rub it in his face) but but also because i know alot of people were either disappointed that i gained weight or snickered about it. but even if i never went back i would still try to finish losing this weight and getting in shape. i mean it's something that i want for myself. and i think part of me wanting to lose weight is cuz i think my mom would have been disappointed if i had gained weight. is that weird? well i mean i used to do alot of stuff to make her proud and i think part of the reason i was so unhappy being overweight is because she would have been disappointed. the other part is that i was a cow and couldnt do any of the stuff i loved. ya know though it would probably be better if when i ran into kyle the first time if keith wasnt there, cuz 1 i dont know how i am going to react and i have a feeling that i am going to be very pissed. like a little jealous especially if his new girlfriend is there, and unleashing all the anger that i had penned up for so long. ya know it's like i dont think it's going to be pretty. and 2 it would be akward for keith to be there. for him. i mean since it's the first time and all. but then again maybe i will never ever see him again. i wouldnt have a problem with that. it is kinda sad though cuz ya know how when you are with someone you have known forever you can sit there for hours and go remember that. or what a good time we had that night or whatever. well sometimes i feel like doing that with him. oh well at least i dont want to punch something everytime i think of him now. that's always a good thing. so anyway. i cant wait to see keith again. maybe if i go home he will come down sometime this week if he isnt busy and then sometime early next week. i dont know. we will see. this is going to be a very long week i am thinking. i guess i will go home cuz now that i am thinking about seeing elizabeth and cheryl and my grandma and i can see my dr and i am getting a bit homesick. that reminds me i need some presents for elizabeth. oh marisa's birthday is tomorrow. ok well seriously time's a wasting i have to get shit done this week. i am thinking about keith every 2 seconds, i can't believe how much i miss him already. although it really should be no surprise. after all he has dropped me off before. he is just so cute. anyway just got off the phone with marisa and now i really have to get some groceries

getting ready to go shopping with ray, marisa and keith. keith picked me up from the train station on his bike, what a sexy sight for sore eyes. mmmmmmmmmm. he looks so good.

kenny and i had sooo much fun yesterday. he was saying how he is always surprised by how much fun we have together and i would have to agree. we went to lunch (got lost as always but it was fun) then ate like pigs, then we went to best buy to get a video card and i ended up impulsively buying a shower radio, which i forgot about until i was in the shower last night, then we went and rented him rollerblades, it was pretty fun, he wasnt very good at all starting out but i would say by the end he was about as good as i was, he caought on very quickly, and only fell once and then it wasnt even a bad fall, cuz he was in the grass and he was kinda going down hill in the grass so it was kinda inevitable, i however almost kissed the pavement very hard, but luckily i caught my balance at the very last second, my face was an inch from the sidewalk. in front of everyone down at the navy pier. who's a loser. oh yeah. so then we go to portillo's for supper and eat like pigs again, and then go and kick the ball back and forth, (like catch for baseball just with a soccerball) i got a pink soccer ball. i know i am just too cool. it was really fun i wanted to die when we were done, then we went up to starbucks and i got a huge sugar cookie cuz i havent had a sugar cookie in forever. but any way we worked our asses off. but we ate way to much for it to even matter. but i saw some people at soccer practice and got jealous so i wanted to play. so far i lost 2 lbs that i know of. that sucks. i need to stop eating like a pig. just think of how many lbs i could have lost if i had eaten healthy this week. oh well. i will do better next week. i would say now but the weekend is upon us and i have plans to eat like a serious pig this weekend. like you wouldnt believe. so anyway i have to tune my shower radio now. i cant wait to see keith!!! just a few more hours

i am getting excited about hanging out with kenny, going to lunch and all that. plus i really want to go rollerblading again, so he better not chicken out. i also spent the morning going through keith's messages for him, and marisa and ray got into a huge fight last night so i was trying to be supportive for her. but i dont think i did a very good job. i hope i did but i dont know, i really dont know what to say in situations like that so i just try to listen, but then i feel like since i am not saying anything that they are thinking that i am not listening or no help or something like that. i need to weigh myself before i jump in the shower. so i know how much weight i lost this week, probably not much since i ate at portillos and i am getting ready to go out for lunch, but i have been taking my xenadrine, and the guys at gnc said that the other girls lost weight w/o changing their diet but they probably had good diets to begin with. although my diet has been very good this week considering i have only gone out to eat once, i have eaten in all the other times, oh wait i forgot about panda express. ok twice and i am about to make it 3 times. but the last 2 weeks it was eating out for every meal. so i think i have improved alot. but next week i have to stick to the points. and exercise. although i have gotten out alot this week in the exercise department. not as much as i wanted too but i need to work my way up to it. like the food. so anyway the guys at gnc also said that you dont have to do a ton of cardio just get out and walk. so yesterday remember i walked to portillos, and i rollerbladed, today i am going to rollerblade and possibly walk around, and on saturday i am going shopping (see throwing some weight training and cardio in there at the same time.lol) and i am going to see if keith will want to go rollerblading on saturday too. and last thursday i kicked ass on the treadmill, so i am pretty proud of myself. next week though i want to definitly kick it all into high gear though. like work out with the exercise tapes, and eat within my points range, and get out of the house more. like i am thinking that maybe whenever kenny comes over we can go and get out of the apartment and get some exercise, just walk around or do active stuff, especially since it is nice outside for the time being. but the bad thing is he can eat like a pig (i mean seriously i have never seen someone eat so much and it's all awful) and still get cut. i will just make him go to places that are in the ww. book. or we will have to stop eating when he is here. well anyway i have to jump in the shower and quit rambling

i went outside today! more than once! i am crazy! that just reminded me of an eminem song i want to download and put on my new mp3 player. i am really happy with it even though it's not as small and cute as the other ones but i will live. so anyway my phone is groing on me a bit too. the ring isnt too loud and i ended up finding the other volume button. but i just tried to call someone (who i thought was keith) back and it didnt go through. i wonder if that is because it is not charged all the way or if it is messed up. oh and to get back to the earlier point of me going outside. first i went for a walk (granted it was to portillos to get a big fat greasy cheeseburger...mmmmmmm......cheeseburger) and then i went rollerblading. i went over to the path along the lake. i almost died. but oh well. so anyway. i was out there for over an hour! it was cool. everyone was staring at me like i was a dork but that's ok. i am. plus me almost falling every 2 seconds didnt help. i am going to force kenny to go with me tomorrow. and then i am going to try to get keith to go with me saturday. i will be an exercise fiend. it doesnt help that me and kenny are going to tgif tomorrow but oh well. and all the pizza i am going to be eating this weekend. i am so excited. i think keith is actually coming on saturday so i will be happy. so anyway. i think he will also be here friday. so that is sweet just one more day til i see him and i will be busy hanging out with kenny so that will keep me distracted. i am really glad kenny is cool about the whole keith thing. i hated not telling him but he definitly needed some time to realize i am not the end of the world. (i know that sounds concieted but i hurt him pretty bad) so anyway i am glad that he is over me so that way we can be friends and we dont need to worry about walking on eggshells and all that. i mean i didnt tell him every thing about keith i just told him that i liked keith. so anyway. tomorrow should be fun, i know we will have fun when we go out to lunch and then hopefully when we go rollerblading. i never did anything sporty with him so i dont know what will happen if he sucks. but who knows maybe he is good. hopefully we will just have fun cuz i aint that great either. i miss keith. i am getting all excited about seeing him. he was being all cute on the phone earlier. he's so sexy. yum. i really cant wait til he sees his present. i know he is going to love it. but he doesnt like people spending money on him so he might be kinda mad but oh well. it's not just for him. ok it's mostly for him but it's for me too. so he will just have to get over it. even though i would get it for him if i didnt like it but i would probably wait awhile like for his birthday or something but since i want it too it's ok.

got my new phone in the mail today, not sure if i am happy with it. at least i can turn the ringer off but there's no volume for the headset, and the ring is kinda annoying, but at least it isnt super loud, i think i am not going to order anything else from overstock. maybe bedding and stuff cuz i like that stuff that i got, but not electronic stuff, i would rather go to the store and pick that up myself. the phone is kinda decent though. ya know what is weird, there are numbers in the call list from the person who had the phone before me. that's freaking great, i have about 13 numbers from people who live in louisana. and even a call from the U.S. government. what the hell. i think i got hosed. i think i am going to send it all back except my mp3 player that's growing on my. i really like it now. and i saw one for twice as much at bestbuy yesterday so ya know. it wasnt a total loss. and at least you get the stuff within the week. but still i am disappointed about my phone and the headset. i am just going to go and get a phone from walmart or something. kenny is coming over tomorrow. he is going to be here at like noon. he wants to hang out til 7, i dont know about that. and then he wants to go out after that but i am not doing that. he can go cuz he wants to meet his friends there but i aint going and i will probably kick him out by 5. cuz he doesnt want to hit traffic so i will be like leave before 5 at like 4. that would be a good plan. i got stuff i need to do. especially before friday. well that is if keith is even going to pick me up. i get the feeling he doesnt want to hang out this weekend. i would be hurt if that's the case but if he doesnt want to i am not going to make him. i mean i can hang out with marisa and then just chill by myself. somemore. i wonder if the zoo is open yet. probably not. that would be cool though. well i have some cleaning to do and some more laundry. too fun

i feel like crap, sinuses, tired, headache. went and actually picked up keith's present cuz they werent giving it to me on the internet. went to the bank, got my money put away so i cant touch it, went and got stuff from weight watchers, got my mp3 player, using it all day, it's pretty cool. i was disappointed at first but it's all good now. i need to clean, maybe tomorrow. i think i am going to take a nap. and listen to some music.

i am thinking of going to a weight watchers meeting. but i dont want to go for the meeting just to get some of their bars and these little candies, and maybe check out their books and stuff but i want to know if they are going to make me pay for the meeting but they dont give a phone number. the meetings didnt work for me so i dont want to pay for them, i just want some of their 2 point bars and candy dammit. give me the candy. i wish you could buy them online. that would be nice. i felt like crap when i woke up. my sinuses are going haywire. oh i lost 5lbs since yesterday. but i am thinking i was just bloated and i was drinking diet soda all day and that usually helps me to lose weight. ya know i should publish a book about my diet. except i stole it from weight watchers. seriously though if it wasnt for the chili i wouldnt have lost weight so fast. chili and diet mountain dew. i really want to go and get some of those bars. hmmmmmm. i wish there was a meeting closer. the closest one is downtown. i dont feel like going there even though i am already going to be downtown for the bank. i dont know why i dont want to go to that one, it's not a big deal. but it's at 12 and it's 9 now and i wanted to clean before i left for all that stuff and there's no way i wil be able to clean and get ready and go to the meeting all before 12. well i guess i would have an hour and a half to clean. i could at least do my dishes and clean the kitchen and then tomorrow i could do the rest. cuz i am lazy. lol. i am so happy that i am 5 lbs lighter. no i am motivated to work out again. hmmm i will have to weigh myself again later to make sure i wasnt hallucinating. this is kinda early for me to be up. hey i should get my mp3 player in the mail today. i forgot all about that. sweet freaking deal.

i finally told kenny about keith, he said he didnt care, and he actually sounded like he meant it. phew. i had 3 krispy kreme donuts today and i want to go to panda express tomorrow and i am going to tgifridays on thursday. plus this weekend i know i will eat like a pig. damn i am going to be getting fat. this sucks. oh well i have my chili. i really want panda express tomorrow though. well i guess if i get my ass up and work out. that might help. so anyway. i am glad kenny is over me. that's a relief. keith and i arent fighting any more. although he had a very stressful day. apparently matt and debbie both think he was treating me bad at the ballgame. so he called and apologized again for it. but he was like if 2 other people were saying that i was being an ass then i guess i was. but it's like the only persons opinion that should matter whether or not you were being an ass to me is me. he could have taken my word for it. but oh well water under the bridge. it's over and done with and we both acted like asses that day. tomorrow i am getting up early and i am going to go to clean and go to the bank and get some lunch and then do the laundry. and i might work on keith's pic cuz i have less than 2 weeks to get it done. i am not very happy with the way it is right now. i think it could definitly be better but isnt that what every artist says. so anyway. he is so sexy. damn it's only monday. i have a problem. i think i am addicted to sex, with a certain someone that is. mmmmm. i just keep thinking about spending the weekend in bed with him. yummy.

oh and another thing when i did apologize last night it's not good enough, he still wasnt saying anything, but if he apologizes it's what more do you want, see he is taking all that other shit from his past relationships and how he is always the one to make shit better out on me, and trying to have me make up for it. well i have a feeling no matter how many times i apologize or make up for shit that he is still going to be the one that does it all and that it will never be good enough. but if i feel i didnt start a fight or that i am not the one that did something wrong then i wont be the one to make it right. and last night i apologized and then he was saying i kept bringing it back up, oh no that aint the way it happened, i apologized and we sat there not saying anything and then i said so are you not going to talk to me now, and then we were moving on past it and he brought it up again, but when i try to explain it again oh i am just going around in circles. whatever!

alright, he is mad because i had a friend (who happened to be a guy) that i havent seen in 4 months come over last night. it was spure of the moment and i didnt even invite the guy. he invited himself. well he was mad because i was talking to this guy when we were on the phone and he was like (becuase i was talking to the other guy on the im) well i am just another guy in line. when he talks dirty to girls all the time. and then later on i was on the phone with him and he was talking to this heather girl well jokingly i said look who has the double standard. well he got all defensive (hmmm i wonder why maybe cuz he knows he does) so we get into this huge fight and now he is mad cuz i had this guy over not even 24 hours after he was here and he was all like well how would you feel if i rushed home cuz i have other plans. well he did he had an easter thing to go to. a thing that wasnt even mentioned to me. when before we were dating i remember him saying oh i am supposed to go to my uncles but i dont want to, or should i go to my dad's i dont feel like it. i just dont understand why it wasnt even brought up especially since there was the perfect time to bring it up right there. and normally when he says something i believe him but he said that he thought he told me. and that just seems odd. and he said that he didnt think it would be appropriate because it was a commitment thing. and those were his exact words but then later he tried to change it into saying that if he told me about it then that would mean he was commited to go. well that sounds like a bunch of crap, he never felt commited to going before when he just mentioned it to me. and he could have said well there's this thing at my uncle's i dont know if i am going yet but i might. i feel like he is lying. he was all pissed cuz i dont believe him he's like so what i am a fucking liar now. i hate it when people fucking lie so why would i do it. well people lie for all sorts of reasons. i feel like he is starting to treat me like that other girl that he was just fucking around with and didnt really want anything to do with her, he used to lie to her, i know when he has lied to other people too. so it's not like he has never lied. i was just hurt that he would think that he has to keep something from me because i am going to expect to be invited to it. especially when i never would. and he has a habit of trying to predict how i will behave. so i bet that is exactly what he did and now he doesnt want to admit to it. i was trying to remember how me and kyle fought and how me and kenny fought and it's like i have never fought this way before. we are like 2 little kids bickering back and forth, i think we both take our insecurities and stuff from our last relationship and are putting them in this one. and that's what we are fighting about. it's so ridiculous. he said i was trying to sabotage the relationship. ummm ok but i was the one who wanted the commitment right and he wanted to relax? what a freaking joke. it's my fault we are fighting because he got jealous. i can see how he would be jealous of me having a guy over. fine but that doesnt mean i am going to stop seeing my friends. me and this guy never went on a date, i dont get how he can sit there and say he is just another guy in line, when i spend all my time with him, but he was also trying to say that my having friends that i talk to online is worse than him talking dirty to girls. thats not right. with this guy sex has never been an issue i have never said anything near sex we have never talked about it or anything, wereas keith talks dirty to this girl, is an active participant in a sexually charged conversation, and not discussing technique or what guys like but saying stuff that she wants to do to him and all that crap but because i have a friend i have some line that i am making him wait in. the whole reason i went online was to meet people to hang out with but because i had a one night stand with a couple of the guys that i met now all of a sudden that was why i went online, i was just online looking to get laid. i dont think so. i was only looking just to get laid once. and that was after i was already on there. and he kept saying why are going around and around why are you beating this to death and it's like because you didnt listen the first time, and he can explain why he does something but if i do it it is making excuses. this shit is just pissing me off, i have not done anything to make him not trust me and yet he doesnt. i think he is trying to start fights just so i have to be the one to call first or make things better. well this is not helping i am only getting madder the more i think about it.

seriously this is a freakin rollercoaster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we are fighting again. this is stupid. right now it is because last night, we found out the stores wouldnt be opened today so me and marisa couldnt go shopping and i jokingly said something about going back with keith and he got a look on his face and then today i find out why he didnt want me to go back with him, it was because he was going to uncle's house for easter. which is fine, i can completely understand why he wouldnt want me to be there and i didnt really think it would have been a good idea either, but it upset me that it wasnt even mentioned, it felt like he didnt mention it on purpose because he thought that i would try to push myself into going and all that. i mean this just seems like he is acting like all i want is for him to give me this commitment and all that and that i am pushing him into something he doesnt want and he cant except that that is not what i am doing because every girl he has gone out with has wanted that right away. yeah ok maybe i thought that we were moving along faster than what we were, but i thought we were seeing what happened and that was the pace it was going. and he implied that he was there too. but he is acting like i am pushing him to commit when all i ever did was ask him to be my boyfriend and even said he thought that was where we were

well anyway i am too tired to keep typing hopefully i can sleep and maybe finish this tomorrow if i am still this upset

i got keith the best surprise! ok it might not be the best ever but it is something awesome, i cant say what it is yet cuz he might read this and find out, but lets just say i am an awesome almost girlfriend. even if we were actually boyfriend and girlfriend it would an awesome thing to do let alone that i am just a semigirlfriend. damn he is one lucky sonofabitch!!!!!!!! he is going to crap his pants....that is if he likes it. who knows he might not.

i have so much stuff to do today. i keep forgetting that it's easter. i feel so sick from taking an emergency contaceptive yesterday. this is awful. i was feeling better so i ate but now i am wishing i hadnt. i have to clean and get groceries and do laundry. fun fun. maybe i will just get groceries and clean today but get the money for laundry and then get quarters tomorrow. that way i dont have to go to the damn western union thing i can just go to my bank. downtown. and not have to pay to get quarters. i kinda want to go back to bed. but that wouldnt be good. i also need to go and look for furniture tomorrow. i need a new bed. i think i am just going to order one off of overstock.com

so anyway now i will explain that last entry. i was just too mad last night to do it. so we go to the game and we are having a good time, i was a little drunk before we even get into the game. so we were all sitting there joking around and laughing and keith is acting like he is going to dump beer on me and debbie, well he actually dumps the beer on me so i dump it back on him and he gets all pissed off cuz he doesnt want to get into a fight with the people in front of us who apparently i got too but considering their shirts werent wet i dont know where i got them. and ya know if you go to a baseball game chances are your going to get beer on you. so really he is pissed cuz i got more beer on him than he got on me. when he was just bragging to matt how it's no fun getting even you have to get one up. so then later on i was telling debbie how keith is so mean to matt's dog and i am nice to the dog but the dog sticks up for keith when we are playing around and tries to bite me. well i said keith kicks the dog and i am good to it....... well keith got all pissed cuz apparently matt took me seriously even though when keith got up i asked matt if he knew i was joking and he's like yeah i know keith wouldnt actually kick my dog, but i am going to milk it for all it's worth. and i was like ok you can do that just as long as you know i was joking and he's like yeah. well keith swears up and down that matt is pissed about. and then i was reaching for something across keiths lap and he shoves my head in his lap! i thought that was kinda rude. i mean i wasnt going to get mad about it in front of everyone and i was just going to let it go but i think that is disrespectful. and then later in the van, i did or said something and keith was like oh you owe me a blow job for that one. well that kinda made me mad too cuz it made it seem like i dont like giving them and that i never give them to him and that the only time i give them to him is when i do something. well that's not true at all and it made me mad cuz i didnt want debbie and matt to think that i never give him blowjobs (not that i care if that's what they think but it just made me mad cuz 2 out the last 3 times we had sex i gave him head and he doesnt need to freaking black mail me or whatever to get it) so i said that the last 2 out of 3 times we had sex i gave you head and that last time i didnt even cum so i dont think i owe you anything. well he got pissed because he doesnt want his friends thinking he is bad in bed (but they can think i am) but i already told debbie earlier after he shoved me in the face and she asked why i would put up with that and i said well it's probably the great sex but dont tell keith because i dont want him getting a big head, and matt was sitting there at the game saying how loud i was and how he could hear me, i doubt that they are going to think that he is bad in bed. and not to mention that he said i wouldnt let him pass me when he went to do something so he shoved me in the face (well what's the natural reaction to that, to shove back!) so he gets pissed when i shove him back. he was like you were pushing me into the guy in front of you. well keith is twice my size!!! not to mention he is supposed to have really great balance that he always brags about, but of course i am the one that caused the whole thing and it's all my fault when he over reacted about the beer and was pissed off from the start. oh and i was threatening to dump beer on him again and he moved his leg which my arm was on and a little bit of beer got spilled on him, and i said it was an accident but he's like i dont think it was! i think you did it on purpose. and it's like if i did it on purpose i wouldnt have said it was an accident. that was the first thing out of my mouth was sorry it was an accident and after we got home he was all i still didnt hear you apologize if it was an accident, when i did and i still havent heard him apologize for being rude to me last weekend when he did shit on purpose. so it's ok if he's sorry and doesnt say it after he purposely does something but then i accidentally do something and i have to beg for forgiveness. and he was like you soaked me my underwear was wet, well jeans absorb liquid my leg was wet where he spilt it on me. he was being such a baby. and overreacting to everything but i know it's all my fault cuz i am just a horrible person. well ya know what i dont like being treated the way he was treating me at the game in private let alone in front of people i just met. it's that whole double standard shit he can disrespect me and treat me like shit all he wants too but if i look at him funny i am treating him like shit and so mean to him!

oh and how he can fucking act like i hate giving head and never give him head but if i say something jokingly about how he is in bed it's the worst damn thing i could ever do, even though i already told the girl that he is fucking great in bed and that her boyfriend (keith's roommate) is always saying how he has to listen to us. what the fuck ever! dumb ass double standards! bullshit if you cant handle me doing it then you shouldnt fucking do it. treat others how you want to be treated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant believe i was up late worring about how keith would feel about something i thought i typed on here when he doesnt care about how he treats me in front of his friends who i just met!!!!! and right now in the middle of a fight he is passed out as usual. actions fucking speak louder than words and he cant even stay up and discuss something because it is just so unimportant, he knows that he falls asleep if he lays down so why the FUCK would he lay down in the middle of an arguement. i feel like shit about myself and how i let him treat me right now. there is no reason for the way he treated me today except he can dish it out but not take it. well i am not some meak little girl who is just going to sit there and let him treat me like shit!! i dont know why i care so much. i dont know why i am the one still awake, upset, crying, and beating myself up and he is passed out. obviously he doesnt fucking care. he just showed me how much he cares when he layed down on that bed. he said he would do anything for me but apparently anything doesnt mean treat me with respect or like an equal human being. or with any love or attention or affection. matt and debbie who are always fighting were even holding hands and had their arms around each other. but i get shoved in the damn face!

done and done!


now i just have to get in the shower and get ready. i think i might take a nap first though. i have half an hour til i have to be in the shower so i think that is what i will do.

i could have sworn that i typed something one of the last few days that i wanted to correct today but now i cant find it. but i was reading this book yesterday (women who think too much) about overthinking and about how if something bad is going on in your life then your negative thinking snowballs until it is hard for you to find the good you just concentrate on the bad. and i thought i typed in something about keith that wasnt truebut at the time since i was overthinking i thought it was. but now i cant find it. but ya know i have been doing that stuff since i was little i remember in third grade laying awake at night doing that stuff. and last night i was up worrying if i did write that and if keith saw it and was hurt by it and then whether or not i should just take it out or explain it and then if i explained it how i would explain it and i just felt so awful thinking that if he did see it how bad he would feel and how i thought at the time it was true but now that i have thought about it and my mood isnt so depressed any more i realize that it isnt true at all. (in case you were wondering why i would need a book on overthinking). so any way, these caffine pills are making me nauseaus today. i have to get moving cuz i have to pick up food and stuff for opening day at the brewers game and i have to take a shower and get ready all before 12. seriously though i think we went so long without having sex that i almost forgot just how good it is. i think i am just about the luckiest girl in the world. i cant believe how stressed i was last night and i cant even find it this morning. i wasnt going to take it out cuz it was the perfect example of me over thinking but now i think if i find it i will. i cant wait til sunday. the sad part is keith wont be there, but i will live. i have to see marisa. i hope i have fun at the game today. i am a little nervous cuz we are going with matt and his girlfriend and a guy that works with keith and matt and the guys wife. i dont even know if i really want to drink but i figure after a couple of drinks i am not going to care any more. lol. i am just so picky about alcohol. i mean i hate the taste of alcohol and the drinks i do like are so sweet they hurt my teeth after awhile and i dont know it's just an ass pain.

Good News!!!

we made up yesterday. yeah!!! freaking finally. i told him a little bit of what i typed the other night and he said he would try so that is good. that's all i was asking for. most of the time he does but once in awhile he does something that makes my insecurities flare up and this weekend it was like thats all that was going on. on my part too i am sure. but we had some really great makeup sex too. it was awesome. i am just so relieved that we arent fighting any more. that sucked so much. and i think we both agreed that i was only going to stay for the actual weekends from now on. that way we both can get back to eating right cuz we just pig out together, so i can actually look for and find a job, so i can start going to school, and so we both dont loose perspective on the relationship. i started taking xanadrine or how ever it's spelled to try and jump start losing weight and get more energy and hopefully be able to fit into a bikini by the summer. i mean i am going to wear one anyway i at least would like to look good. went shopping yesterday. got alot of new panties. i love getting new panties. with everything else i got it seems that i spent a ton of money and barely got anything but i guess i did pretty good. i will do better on sunday when marisa and i go to old navy and h&m. i have to return a couple of things anyway that i got yesterday. but i am not going to put it in my register that i returned them so i will fool myself into thinking i have less money in there. trust me i can fool myself so easily, except when it comes to exercise and that stuff. well then i talk myself out of it. Keith said his ex and her mom took xanadrine and lost a ton of weight so i am hoping that it works for me too. right at this moment my life is pretty good. no bills, not fighting, not 60lbs overweight, got friends, (not necessarily in that order) i got it pretty good right now. just got to keep it that way. well i am hungry and i want to get some breakfast. hmmm i think i want fishsticks and macaroni and cheese for lunch. well it's better than the greasy pizza in the fridge. these pills are supposed to give you more energy in a half hour. hmmmm. i dont know about that. but i was really tired when i got up. so they may be working.

i am a genius! i figured out why we are fighting. the whole damn mess. i solved the puzzle. i dont feel like i am special to him. he has only complimented me once that i can recall. once out of 2 months of this. even though i have repeatedly asked for it. seriously if you feel something about someone it is nice to share it. i know i didnt always share it with people before but i do now because i want people to know how i feel about them. i admit i cant say i love you to keith yet. but i want to take that part slow. but i try to tell him what i like about him. what makes him special to me. and i try to make him feel good. and he says he always says whats on his mind. so since he isnt saying this stuff does that mean he isnt thinking it. but anyway it all started thursday when he needed to talk about his ex. i dont remember what he said but he made me feel like i was just something to tide him over until he got over her. and like i said before it was the first time since we got together that he talked to me about her so i wasnt prepared for it. well the next night he said he didnt want to ride together on the four wheeler if we went up north. well that made me feel like it was me that he didnt want to ride with, not that he just didnt want to ride with someone in general. and he was rude to me on saturday and said i was making his weekend miserable. i forgot what happened on sunday and last night but i am sure it will come to me. but anyway later on last night he was making it sound like he just wanted to have fun and mess around (that does not make a girl feel special or that she means something to you) and like i said several times i asked him to tell me how he feels about me and he never answers. he says i let you around my kids, i would do anything for you, etc. well he would do that for most of his friends. and it's like i am supposed to live off of that for the rest of the relationship. what would he do if it was the other way around. what if i didnt compliment him every day. he already said that i am acting different. and i am. i havent complimented him lately, i havent treated him as good. actually i am treating him like he is treating me (except the fights he isnt starting those, but they were subconscious so i didnt realize what was going on) i mean today i went and got my haircut, i was looking forward to having this done for months. and ok so it's not that much different but all he said was "are you happy with your haircut and eyebrows getting waxed" how about you hair looks nice or your eyebrows look nice. i didnt get anything. i dont know i guess it doesnt look that good but whatever. i mean it's like i feel the way i do about him and i want to tell him how good he looks or that i appreciate it when he comes home for lunch cuz i know he doesnt like to, or anything else he does. so maybe i dont understand why he cant compliment me or even touch me like he feels something deeper for me. i mean i feel sometimes like he touches me just enough, ya know no more than he has to. maybe that is just because of how i feel outside of the bedroom. but it's like i am begging him to treat me like i am special to him and i am getting sick of it. and it is making me shut down. i feel myself starting to put up walls and go back to how i felt before we started this whole thing. i can feel myself pulling away and going back to the way it was. he says that it doesnt count that he knows how i feel about him cuz he read it on here, something not meant for him to see. well he saw it. ya know it's like it doesnt matter how you found out you still found out so i think i deserve to know something. ya know no matter how he found out he still knows and i deserve an answer whether it is that he feels the same or that he doesnt. i mean how would anyone if they knew someone knew how they felt about them but that person never commented on it at all! just acted like they didnt know! of course they are going to think they dont feel the same way and they are just avoiding it. i feel like i am just hanging. it's like i said i love you to him and i am still waiting for him to say it back. see the problem is he really hasnt shown me either. how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot. obviously we know how he would feel cuz he already told me that he feels that i am treating him differently. he can tell the difference when someone does it to him but not when he is doing it to someone else. i keep thinking back to our first date when he caught my leg between his and he flirted with me and then the next day when he kept messing with me because i wouldnt wake up and how later on he said that he kept thinking about that and how i was just laying there smiling and he teased me cuz he knew i wanted him to kiss me. that stuff made me feel special. but holding back on how he feels for me makes me think he doesnt feel anything. i am not asking him to promise me a life time i want to know how he feels today. right now. i want him to treat me the way he feels about me. and when you tell someone that you just go day by day then they are going to need reaffirmation once in awhile to know that today you still feel the same way. and when we were laying in bed talking i asked if i was just some one he was messing around with, if i was just a fuck buddy. well later on he said well dont expect me to start anything to often from now on because of that fuck buddy comment i feel like i shouldnt want it. well this whole time he has joked that i want it more than him and that i am a borderline nymph so why would i be mad or think bad of him cuz he wants it once in awhile. he doesnt really start anything very often the way it is which also doesnt really make me feel special. and when he does start it he doesnt go out of his way or do anything special or try to make me feel special. i feel that he could take it or leave it. once in awhile i would like to feel that he wants me uncontrollably, and not to mention but i was laying there naked. it's like ok i was horny and wanted you but you just made me feel like well fine if you want it you gotta come and get it cuz i dont care enough. it seems like he is just looking for an excuse not to try to get some cuz he is so afraid of getting shot down. well ya know what, i turned him down once. last night to be exact because i felt like he doesnt think i am special or that i am worth anything more than what doesnt get him fired so to speak. so no i wasnt in the mood. see guys dont understand the power of romance and intimacy. i want to be romanced i want to be swept of my feet and made to feel like cinderella. that means i want to feel like cinderella in his eyes. i want to know that i am a special person to him, that the glass slipper is only going to fit me. that he thinks that i am the fucking bee's knees and the cat's meow. and all that other nonsense. that if i was gone he would miss me. i dont mean if i was gone for a day but if i was gone for a month or a yr or however long. that he would still miss me. that his life would loose something if i wasnt in it. i want to feel irreplaceable. not that if we break up that he wouldnt find someone else cuz that is ridiculous. of course he could and he would be happy again but i want to feel like he wouldnt forget about me. and that takes reaffirming actions. that is important in every relationship. not doing that stuff is what makes people get emotionally detached. well part of it maybe not every case. ya know really the way to get into any girls pants is to make her feel special. if guys didnt get lazy in their relationships (i am not saying women dont but we arent talking about women in this blog) and still treated their wives and girlfriends special they would still get some and they wouldnt have to complain how after you get married the sex stops or that they never get any cuz they would still be getting some. all i want is to feel like i am not an ordinary girl that he can just walk down the street and find another one just like me. and ya know what i am not exactly sure but this is probably why i am so moody. i mean even before this weekend that is probably at least 50% of why i have been moody i just didnt know it. well it is 1:23 am and i think i have exercised the demons enough to get to sleep. hopefully i have. oh one more thing. back to how i feel like i am shutting down it's like i am so exhausted from talking to him and him talking to me and misunderstanding each other and fighting that i dont even really want to tell him this. that i know the answer. especially because i already asked him to do the things that would make me feel special and he cant do them. i feel like i am talking to a brick wall. and i have no intrest in talking any more. i am out of breath. maybe because it is one thirty in the morning maybe i will feel different tomorrow but if he couldnt do any of it before then why would he do it now. well maybe if it would stop me from being so damn moody. lol. i have to go to bed.

well a potentially shitty day turned into a great day. i got my heartbroken last night (but really what else should i have expected) and then today i get a huge check deposited in my account by the money fairies and it isnt on hold. oh happy day. who cares if someone stomps on your feelings if you got money. money buys happiness remember.

ya know i am really looking forward to going home right now. at least there i can be quiet and not be afraid that it is going to be taken as me being in a pissy mood or upset. sometimes i am just quiet especially if i am tired. and right now i am tired. he calls and says he isnt going to be home for lunch (an hour after his lunch break) and then he talks about everything going wrong so far today and then asks what's wrong with me. since i wasnt talking i guess. and he asked if i was still crabby at him. and i was like not really so he said well what's the really. i said nothing. he said well am i going to have to worry about this all day too. i told him i wasnt crabby. so we go back and forth a bit and then he said is this going to be another day like the weekend and i said well it wasnt. and he was like well i am going to hang up now so i go fine and i hang up. seriously this is fucking stupid! i really dont care if he wants me to go home now. i mean cuz i am having so much fun here. this isnt working and today he asked if i was thinking of getting rid of him yet well does that mean he is thinking of getting rid of me? before he said that when he asked me something he must be thinking about it himself. how the hell can 2 people go from being such good friends and having so much fun together to not even being able to talk to each other on the phone for 5 minutes. i feel like i say shit and he just doesnt care and doesnt want to listen if it is different from what he has in his head. this is so frustrating. i think he cant stand it when i am up here too long. i think he starts feeling like i am wanting to move up here when i dont at all. he needs to just take my ass home because i am sick of him expecting something to be wrong and then when there isnt anything wrong to bitch at me because i am not telling him whats wrong. it doesnt make sense. he wants shit to be wrong so he can say it's time for me to go home. but when i said something about just coming up on the weekends he acted like he didnt want that. i dont even know who the hell i am dealing with at this point because it is just so crazy. it's like me vs. him and that is so pointless. over nothing. i am so sick of this i wish i had a car because i would go home right now. i mean he isnt going to apologize or take responsiblity for this it's all me. it's because i am moody and wont tell him what's wrong. and it's because i made his weekend miserable. and guys say girls get bitchy and moody and change all of a sudden. he asked if this is how i really am one day. and it's like now is this how he really is? all i wanted to do was have fun with him and be with him and share things and all that crap and here it is and i am the bad guy and i am the evil woman. he just called and i told him that i am still a little bummed about this weekend and all that and he's like well see if you would have said that earlier then i wouldnt think that it was something new. i told him it wasnt. i think he just expected me to be mad about him not coming home for lunch and not calling sooner and when i wasnt he just couldnt believe that. i mean i wasnt like i am still pissed cuz this weekend and blaming him. i meant i am just stressed and tired and bummed out that we fought this whole weekend. hence the reason i said i am just tired. and he said something that oh he has to be a mind reader now. and it's like no but i am not going to add to the shitty day that he is already having when i am sure he is still bummed about the weekend too. and now we are arguing again for no reason whatsoever. when we should be on eachother's side all we are doing is attacking each other. i am not blaming him for the weekend i am not still pissed at him from the weekend i am just bummed that we fought all weekend. and the worst part is i know when i do go home i am going to miss him. and want to be back up here and then after i have been up here for awhile we are going to fight all over again.

i have had a pretty bad weekend. keith and i have been at eachothers throats since friday. or was it thursday. i dont know all the days have run together. first of all he was mad at me cuz i got upset when he was talking about his ex. well that was the first time he talked about her since we got together and i just didnt handle it very well i guess. plus all that stuff about not wanting to be in a relationship. and then friday i dont even know what we were fighting about. but it just got out of hand. i know part of it was how he talks about girls on tv. and how he doesnt understand how that upsets me. and it's like first of all he knows how kyle was and what he did. and he never says he would do girls that look like me. and then he was saying how i said he had a gut and back hair. well i dont even think his "gut" is big and he is the one that says something about it. the only reason i brought it up to marisa was to prove my point of how much i like him and how i like all of him. i like all the things about him. oh and it doesnt matter if he understands it he should still respect my feelings. i mean all i said was if he would say something he likes about me once in awhile then i wouldnt care about what he says about any other girls. i mean i didnt realize it was that hard to come up with something nice about my body. i mean i am not wanting him to make stuff up or constantly complimenting me but once in awhile it would be nice. just something that he honestly likes about me. i like complimenting him. i dont think it's hard at all. i want him to know all the stuff i like about him. so then on saturday. after 2 days of fighting and some pms and cabin fever i was tired and not feeling good so all day he was asking what was wrong. so every time i told him. and then because he wasnt satisfied with that he started bitching (oh that's right he was bitching) about how i am making his weekend miserable and how he doesnt like all this fighting (cuz i am having a blast) but he actually said i was making his weekend miserable. and he was like you want more from me and you think that this is the way to get it. yeah that's exactly what i think. i wanted to say well you're changing my mind pretty fast. i dont even care if we are boyfriend and girlfriend. i mean yeah i want to be but i dont want to push him. i deserve someone who wants to be my boyfriend. the only reason i brought that shit up was because he implied that that's what he wanted to and then he changed his mind. ever since we talked about that earlier this week it seems like he is pushing me away. i have said at least 3 times this week that i dont know how he feels about me. well i am still waiting. i think i just made myself too available. and he expects me to wait around and to be there whenever he wants and that it's going to be his way and all that and i dont have a say. and it's like i am choosing to be here. i want to be here because i like him and we have fun but i am not going to sit here and when i dont feel good get bitched at because i am ruining his weekend or sit here and listen to how i want more and that i am not going to get it because i am such a bitch. that isnt going to put me in a better mood. all he had to do saturday was be nice to me but instead he starts in. like i have to be in a good mood to put him in a good mood. i cant ever be in a bad mood. if i am in a bad mood i am moody. if he is in a bad mood it's ok and he has a reason to be cuz his life is so bad. i have to cheer him up. so sunday comes around. and it's going good. we go to a bike swap with his roommate. which is fine i had never been to one so i wanted to go and plus i thought since we were having such a bad weekend we could do something fun and not bitch at each other. so we go and it's fine. i didnt mind going. i just didnt know what i was looking at. but it was still a good time. but then we are driving around and he wanted to go and buy this van well it was like 230 and we couldnt see the van until 5 well he asked what i wanted to do until then. well i something about going to the bookstore. and i just meant for a few minutes so i could get something. well keith said i will go have a beer with you (his roommate) and we can drop her off and she can walk over to the mall (where the bar was). haha real funny. so that kinda made me mad cuz it's like it would take me like half an hour at the most. we left at like 11 that morning for the bike thing. so then we go to the bar and have lunch and then he was like you can walk to the bookstore in the mall. well why would i want to go by myself. i mean i went with them all day and they were there why couldnt they just walk over with me. at least keith. so instead we just sat there. and then we get in the car again at about 430. well the guy didnt roll his clock forward. so we had to drive around for another hour. and then he was half an hour late. the whole day i was in the backseat. sitting there. oh and saturday the whole fight started because i wouldnt decide where to eat and we fought about that friday too. cuz he wanted to know if i wanted to go out or stay in, but he is the one who had to get up at 430 in the morning i didnt i could sleep all day. well everytime i do decide anything. it's not what he wants. so we dont do it. well i dont care one way or the other so why bother going through me deciding and then him saying noooo i dont want that or i want this when he could have just said it right away (is it just a power thing? does he want me to make a decision just so he can say no?) so of course when i decide to go to the bookstore that doesnt happen. well then after i sit in the car while him and matt talk to the guy about the van they decide to drive around and look for other cars to buy. until 7 oclock! i wasnt asked if i wanted to go look at other cars. so when we get home i say i want to go to the bookstore. well the sopranos is coming on. so i said i can go by myself. he doesnt have to go. i just wanted to do something that i wanted to do. since i didnt do anything i wanted to do all weekend. i mean i didnt care what we did all weekend i didnt really want to do anything but when i finally wanted to do something. so he comes with me and then he pouts the whole time. i was trying to talk to him. i saw a book that was funny and i thought he would like to look at it. well so then he just walks away. i thought maybe he was going to the bathroom and then after about five minutes i am like what did he go sit in the car? well he was looking at the magazines. i dont understand why he wouldnt say something. ya know. if i am at a store with someone no matter who it is if they are busy and i want to look at something then i say hey i will be over here. or hey i am going to the bathroom or whatever the case may be. so they can find me when they are done. well so i got mad. cuz before we got there he was like well i want to go to be with you to be with you but i dont really want to go. well i said he didnt have to go. but then when we get there he doesnt even spend time with me. what the hell's with that? and then on our way out he says something about a book that's called storming mad or something like that. and i was like what? i mean when i am mad he just assumes that i am just being moody and he didnt do anything wrong. i am just a bitch. so then we eat in complete silence after i told him what's wrong right away. see something is wrong i say it. but again i am a bitch. then he went on about how he didnt want to go and he wanted to watch the sopranos and how he was running around all weekend and all he wanted to do was sit around. well i said he didnt have to go. but he felt obligated cuz i said soemthing about how if we would have went to the bookstore in the mall i wouldnt want to go now (it's true) well yeah he was running around all weekend but not once was it for something i wanted to do. and i said he didnt have to go. i would have gone by myself. especially if i would have known he was going to act like that. we went to the bookstore and sat down and ate and got home in under an hour. and when i was ready to leave the bookstore he was still looking at magazines. and since saturday at least once a day he has asked if i want to go home. and after all that last night were it was actually him that did something and i was right did i get an apology or anything? no. this morning i wake up and he asks if i am still mad. well why shouldnt i be. and he asked if i wanted to go home. already first thing in the morning. and when we were talking about it before we went to bed he gets up and goes in the kitchen and starts chatting with someone on the internet. if i would have done that he would have been so pissed. and then earlier this morning i said i didnt understand why we are so dysfunctional. and he was like well think of the answer. like it's all me. he refuses to think that this is two people. i am not really mad any more just tired of fighting and being blamed for all of it. i am sick of being stressed out because since he thinks i am being bitching and am not fun anymore is he just going to say forget it. and it's like why do i care so much if that is the way he is going to be then let him go. i will find someone who wants to be with me and who isnt going to leave when things arent going his way (although it seems that 2 out of 3 guys so far act like that so maybe all guys do since because 3 women have cheated all women must) i can do just fine on my own with out the added stress of trying to walk on egg shells and make everything fun and all that crap. well anyway i am done venting for now.

i feel so fat. i just ate at mcdonalds. i think i need to just do what i did last yr and decide not to eat like that anymore and then just do it. i will just make my chili up here and that way keith wont have to come home for lunch and all that. i just called my bank and those bastards did not direct deposit my check. what the fuck!!!!! so thats fucking terrific. i cant believe that shit. where the hell is it. if they didnt direct deposit it then it should have been in the mail. so i wont be able to see if i have my check until sunday so then i wont get the money until next monday. i hate this fucking bank. cuz i cant get my money for 5 days after i cash the check because it's too big well what about the smaller check that i use for my groceries and rent and all that i cant get that money either so hopefully it is in my mail box so i can just cash that check and then deposit the other. i am not having a good day.

nothing really going on here. i might take some classes with marisa down in joliet. and i am thinking of applying at the jewel by my house. that's about the only place left. i need to get my resume done so i can get an office job so i dont have to work on the weekends. i have exercised twice so far this week. pretty proud of myself. i am waiting patiently for my money. ok not so patiently. i went to bring my art lessons up here and realized half way here i grabbed the wrong ones. i am stressing out about not having a job cuz if i wait til may or june to start school then i have to go to school a whole month before i get a check. so that's at least 3 months before i start getting any extra money if i cant get a job. and i was thinking that after i finish my art lessons and get that then that will be 2 yrs of art school, plus if i get my generals out of the way i was wondering how long it would take for me to finish up at harrington. and then just do that. i mean i would have to take drafting again but hopefully i wont have to take design foundations again. maybe by then i will have a bigger place and can get a drafting table of my own so i can just work at home. but then again they will still want the lab time. but i bet i would only have like one or 2 yrs left. maybe. maybe not. i need to find a rich old guy w/o any kids. lol. just joking. lol. not really though. well time to get some stuff done.