i am a genius! i figured out why we are fighting. the whole damn mess. i solved the puzzle. i dont feel like i am special to him. he has only complimented me once that i can recall. once out of 2 months of this. even though i have repeatedly asked for it. seriously if you feel something about someone it is nice to share it. i know i didnt always share it with people before but i do now because i want people to know how i feel about them. i admit i cant say i love you to keith yet. but i want to take that part slow. but i try to tell him what i like about him. what makes him special to me. and i try to make him feel good. and he says he always says whats on his mind. so since he isnt saying this stuff does that mean he isnt thinking it. but anyway it all started thursday when he needed to talk about his ex. i dont remember what he said but he made me feel like i was just something to tide him over until he got over her. and like i said before it was the first time since we got together that he talked to me about her so i wasnt prepared for it. well the next night he said he didnt want to ride together on the four wheeler if we went up north. well that made me feel like it was me that he didnt want to ride with, not that he just didnt want to ride with someone in general. and he was rude to me on saturday and said i was making his weekend miserable. i forgot what happened on sunday and last night but i am sure it will come to me. but anyway later on last night he was making it sound like he just wanted to have fun and mess around (that does not make a girl feel special or that she means something to you) and like i said several times i asked him to tell me how he feels about me and he never answers. he says i let you around my kids, i would do anything for you, etc. well he would do that for most of his friends. and it's like i am supposed to live off of that for the rest of the relationship. what would he do if it was the other way around. what if i didnt compliment him every day. he already said that i am acting different. and i am. i havent complimented him lately, i havent treated him as good. actually i am treating him like he is treating me (except the fights he isnt starting those, but they were subconscious so i didnt realize what was going on) i mean today i went and got my haircut, i was looking forward to having this done for months. and ok so it's not that much different but all he said was "are you happy with your haircut and eyebrows getting waxed" how about you hair looks nice or your eyebrows look nice. i didnt get anything. i dont know i guess it doesnt look that good but whatever. i mean it's like i feel the way i do about him and i want to tell him how good he looks or that i appreciate it when he comes home for lunch cuz i know he doesnt like to, or anything else he does. so maybe i dont understand why he cant compliment me or even touch me like he feels something deeper for me. i mean i feel sometimes like he touches me just enough, ya know no more than he has to. maybe that is just because of how i feel outside of the bedroom. but it's like i am begging him to treat me like i am special to him and i am getting sick of it. and it is making me shut down. i feel myself starting to put up walls and go back to how i felt before we started this whole thing. i can feel myself pulling away and going back to the way it was. he says that it doesnt count that he knows how i feel about him cuz he read it on here, something not meant for him to see. well he saw it. ya know it's like it doesnt matter how you found out you still found out so i think i deserve to know something. ya know no matter how he found out he still knows and i deserve an answer whether it is that he feels the same or that he doesnt. i mean how would anyone if they knew someone knew how they felt about them but that person never commented on it at all! just acted like they didnt know! of course they are going to think they dont feel the same way and they are just avoiding it. i feel like i am just hanging. it's like i said i love you to him and i am still waiting for him to say it back. see the problem is he really hasnt shown me either. how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot. obviously we know how he would feel cuz he already told me that he feels that i am treating him differently. he can tell the difference when someone does it to him but not when he is doing it to someone else. i keep thinking back to our first date when he caught my leg between his and he flirted with me and then the next day when he kept messing with me because i wouldnt wake up and how later on he said that he kept thinking about that and how i was just laying there smiling and he teased me cuz he knew i wanted him to kiss me. that stuff made me feel special. but holding back on how he feels for me makes me think he doesnt feel anything. i am not asking him to promise me a life time i want to know how he feels today. right now. i want him to treat me the way he feels about me. and when you tell someone that you just go day by day then they are going to need reaffirmation once in awhile to know that today you still feel the same way. and when we were laying in bed talking i asked if i was just some one he was messing around with, if i was just a fuck buddy. well later on he said well dont expect me to start anything to often from now on because of that fuck buddy comment i feel like i shouldnt want it. well this whole time he has joked that i want it more than him and that i am a borderline nymph so why would i be mad or think bad of him cuz he wants it once in awhile. he doesnt really start anything very often the way it is which also doesnt really make me feel special. and when he does start it he doesnt go out of his way or do anything special or try to make me feel special. i feel that he could take it or leave it. once in awhile i would like to feel that he wants me uncontrollably, and not to mention but i was laying there naked. it's like ok i was horny and wanted you but you just made me feel like well fine if you want it you gotta come and get it cuz i dont care enough. it seems like he is just looking for an excuse not to try to get some cuz he is so afraid of getting shot down. well ya know what, i turned him down once. last night to be exact because i felt like he doesnt think i am special or that i am worth anything more than what doesnt get him fired so to speak. so no i wasnt in the mood. see guys dont understand the power of romance and intimacy. i want to be romanced i want to be swept of my feet and made to feel like cinderella. that means i want to feel like cinderella in his eyes. i want to know that i am a special person to him, that the glass slipper is only going to fit me. that he thinks that i am the fucking bee's knees and the cat's meow. and all that other nonsense. that if i was gone he would miss me. i dont mean if i was gone for a day but if i was gone for a month or a yr or however long. that he would still miss me. that his life would loose something if i wasnt in it. i want to feel irreplaceable. not that if we break up that he wouldnt find someone else cuz that is ridiculous. of course he could and he would be happy again but i want to feel like he wouldnt forget about me. and that takes reaffirming actions. that is important in every relationship. not doing that stuff is what makes people get emotionally detached. well part of it maybe not every case. ya know really the way to get into any girls pants is to make her feel special. if guys didnt get lazy in their relationships (i am not saying women dont but we arent talking about women in this blog) and still treated their wives and girlfriends special they would still get some and they wouldnt have to complain how after you get married the sex stops or that they never get any cuz they would still be getting some. all i want is to feel like i am not an ordinary girl that he can just walk down the street and find another one just like me. and ya know what i am not exactly sure but this is probably why i am so moody. i mean even before this weekend that is probably at least 50% of why i have been moody i just didnt know it. well it is 1:23 am and i think i have exercised the demons enough to get to sleep. hopefully i have. oh one more thing. back to how i feel like i am shutting down it's like i am so exhausted from talking to him and him talking to me and misunderstanding each other and fighting that i dont even really want to tell him this. that i know the answer. especially because i already asked him to do the things that would make me feel special and he cant do them. i feel like i am talking to a brick wall. and i have no intrest in talking any more. i am out of breath. maybe because it is one thirty in the morning maybe i will feel different tomorrow but if he couldnt do any of it before then why would he do it now. well maybe if it would stop me from being so damn moody. lol. i have to go to bed.