i have had a pretty bad weekend. keith and i have been at eachothers throats since friday. or was it thursday. i dont know all the days have run together. first of all he was mad at me cuz i got upset when he was talking about his ex. well that was the first time he talked about her since we got together and i just didnt handle it very well i guess. plus all that stuff about not wanting to be in a relationship. and then friday i dont even know what we were fighting about. but it just got out of hand. i know part of it was how he talks about girls on tv. and how he doesnt understand how that upsets me. and it's like first of all he knows how kyle was and what he did. and he never says he would do girls that look like me. and then he was saying how i said he had a gut and back hair. well i dont even think his "gut" is big and he is the one that says something about it. the only reason i brought it up to marisa was to prove my point of how much i like him and how i like all of him. i like all the things about him. oh and it doesnt matter if he understands it he should still respect my feelings. i mean all i said was if he would say something he likes about me once in awhile then i wouldnt care about what he says about any other girls. i mean i didnt realize it was that hard to come up with something nice about my body. i mean i am not wanting him to make stuff up or constantly complimenting me but once in awhile it would be nice. just something that he honestly likes about me. i like complimenting him. i dont think it's hard at all. i want him to know all the stuff i like about him. so then on saturday. after 2 days of fighting and some pms and cabin fever i was tired and not feeling good so all day he was asking what was wrong. so every time i told him. and then because he wasnt satisfied with that he started bitching (oh that's right he was bitching) about how i am making his weekend miserable and how he doesnt like all this fighting (cuz i am having a blast) but he actually said i was making his weekend miserable. and he was like you want more from me and you think that this is the way to get it. yeah that's exactly what i think. i wanted to say well you're changing my mind pretty fast. i dont even care if we are boyfriend and girlfriend. i mean yeah i want to be but i dont want to push him. i deserve someone who wants to be my boyfriend. the only reason i brought that shit up was because he implied that that's what he wanted to and then he changed his mind. ever since we talked about that earlier this week it seems like he is pushing me away. i have said at least 3 times this week that i dont know how he feels about me. well i am still waiting. i think i just made myself too available. and he expects me to wait around and to be there whenever he wants and that it's going to be his way and all that and i dont have a say. and it's like i am choosing to be here. i want to be here because i like him and we have fun but i am not going to sit here and when i dont feel good get bitched at because i am ruining his weekend or sit here and listen to how i want more and that i am not going to get it because i am such a bitch. that isnt going to put me in a better mood. all he had to do saturday was be nice to me but instead he starts in. like i have to be in a good mood to put him in a good mood. i cant ever be in a bad mood. if i am in a bad mood i am moody. if he is in a bad mood it's ok and he has a reason to be cuz his life is so bad. i have to cheer him up. so sunday comes around. and it's going good. we go to a bike swap with his roommate. which is fine i had never been to one so i wanted to go and plus i thought since we were having such a bad weekend we could do something fun and not bitch at each other. so we go and it's fine. i didnt mind going. i just didnt know what i was looking at. but it was still a good time. but then we are driving around and he wanted to go and buy this van well it was like 230 and we couldnt see the van until 5 well he asked what i wanted to do until then. well i something about going to the bookstore. and i just meant for a few minutes so i could get something. well keith said i will go have a beer with you (his roommate) and we can drop her off and she can walk over to the mall (where the bar was). haha real funny. so that kinda made me mad cuz it's like it would take me like half an hour at the most. we left at like 11 that morning for the bike thing. so then we go to the bar and have lunch and then he was like you can walk to the bookstore in the mall. well why would i want to go by myself. i mean i went with them all day and they were there why couldnt they just walk over with me. at least keith. so instead we just sat there. and then we get in the car again at about 430. well the guy didnt roll his clock forward. so we had to drive around for another hour. and then he was half an hour late. the whole day i was in the backseat. sitting there. oh and saturday the whole fight started because i wouldnt decide where to eat and we fought about that friday too. cuz he wanted to know if i wanted to go out or stay in, but he is the one who had to get up at 430 in the morning i didnt i could sleep all day. well everytime i do decide anything. it's not what he wants. so we dont do it. well i dont care one way or the other so why bother going through me deciding and then him saying noooo i dont want that or i want this when he could have just said it right away (is it just a power thing? does he want me to make a decision just so he can say no?) so of course when i decide to go to the bookstore that doesnt happen. well then after i sit in the car while him and matt talk to the guy about the van they decide to drive around and look for other cars to buy. until 7 oclock! i wasnt asked if i wanted to go look at other cars. so when we get home i say i want to go to the bookstore. well the sopranos is coming on. so i said i can go by myself. he doesnt have to go. i just wanted to do something that i wanted to do. since i didnt do anything i wanted to do all weekend. i mean i didnt care what we did all weekend i didnt really want to do anything but when i finally wanted to do something. so he comes with me and then he pouts the whole time. i was trying to talk to him. i saw a book that was funny and i thought he would like to look at it. well so then he just walks away. i thought maybe he was going to the bathroom and then after about five minutes i am like what did he go sit in the car? well he was looking at the magazines. i dont understand why he wouldnt say something. ya know. if i am at a store with someone no matter who it is if they are busy and i want to look at something then i say hey i will be over here. or hey i am going to the bathroom or whatever the case may be. so they can find me when they are done. well so i got mad. cuz before we got there he was like well i want to go to be with you to be with you but i dont really want to go. well i said he didnt have to go. but then when we get there he doesnt even spend time with me. what the hell's with that? and then on our way out he says something about a book that's called storming mad or something like that. and i was like what? i mean when i am mad he just assumes that i am just being moody and he didnt do anything wrong. i am just a bitch. so then we eat in complete silence after i told him what's wrong right away. see something is wrong i say it. but again i am a bitch. then he went on about how he didnt want to go and he wanted to watch the sopranos and how he was running around all weekend and all he wanted to do was sit around. well i said he didnt have to go. but he felt obligated cuz i said soemthing about how if we would have went to the bookstore in the mall i wouldnt want to go now (it's true) well yeah he was running around all weekend but not once was it for something i wanted to do. and i said he didnt have to go. i would have gone by myself. especially if i would have known he was going to act like that. we went to the bookstore and sat down and ate and got home in under an hour. and when i was ready to leave the bookstore he was still looking at magazines. and since saturday at least once a day he has asked if i want to go home. and after all that last night were it was actually him that did something and i was right did i get an apology or anything? no. this morning i wake up and he asks if i am still mad. well why shouldnt i be. and he asked if i wanted to go home. already first thing in the morning. and when we were talking about it before we went to bed he gets up and goes in the kitchen and starts chatting with someone on the internet. if i would have done that he would have been so pissed. and then earlier this morning i said i didnt understand why we are so dysfunctional. and he was like well think of the answer. like it's all me. he refuses to think that this is two people. i am not really mad any more just tired of fighting and being blamed for all of it. i am sick of being stressed out because since he thinks i am being bitching and am not fun anymore is he just going to say forget it. and it's like why do i care so much if that is the way he is going to be then let him go. i will find someone who wants to be with me and who isnt going to leave when things arent going his way (although it seems that 2 out of 3 guys so far act like that so maybe all guys do since because 3 women have cheated all women must) i can do just fine on my own with out the added stress of trying to walk on egg shells and make everything fun and all that crap. well anyway i am done venting for now.