well last night sucked ass. i was happy all day after i posted that last post and got it out of my system and had a nice little cry. but then guess what happended. me and keith got into a fight.  all because i was overly sensitive to something he said and when i said it hurt my feelings he heard you're an asshole. and once he here's that he becomes defensive and starts attacking. which who can blame him. if i thought someone was calling me an asshole i would do the same thing. however. i can usually tell when he has hit this point, and then nothing i say can calm him down or get him to see that i was not calling him an asshole cuz no matter what comes out of my mouth that is all he hears. and it just escalates. and then i get frustrated and mad and that only makes it worse. although last night i did not stay mad for very long. it was replaced by hurt pretty quick. but still i even told him that it was silly for us to be fighting over me being overly sensitive when i already admitted that i was being overly sensitive and apologized for it. i dont know it kinda seemed like he was mad at me from earlier when i asked him if he wanted me to come home on saturday night, and the only reason i asked was because i honestly did not know if he would want me to, i mean it took me over a week to get him to come see me and we have only seen eachother one other time so i didnt know and i didnt want him to feel bad if he did so i thought i would ask. well when i asked he thought i was saying he was an ass because he wouldnt let me stay saturday or something like that and that's not what i was doing at all. but i also didnt want to assume i was staying saturday night and he was thinking i was leaving and then being disappointed and getting hurt and mad and getting into a fight about it. all i wanted to do was be sure of where he was coming from. so i am thinking he was still mad about that (and didnt tell me he was mad about it to begin w/) and was just looking for something else to be mad at me about so he could bring it back up, cuz he did bring it back up. but i could be wrong. cuz i can't read his mind so he could be thinking something totally different, this is just how i see it. 

i got a lovely email from my aunt, she works out at curves and she sounds really excited about it. she asked if i ever thought about modeling. that made me feel good. actually it made me feel damn good.  it was just an out of the blue remark so i think that is what made me feel so good. it would still make me feel good if i asked her advice if i should model and she said oh yeah, and backed me up and supported me. but to have her just throw it out there was pretty cool.

i have a little project going right now but i dont know what's going to happen w/ it. i have only told one other person about it cuz i know even if she doesnt agree and thinks i am dumb as a box of rocks she will let me find out that for myself and also give me as much support as i need to prove her wrong. cuz she know's i would do the same for her.

I had a bad dream last night. Well it was about my mom. Those dreams are always "bad" but I would rather have them than not. I had a dream that I was on the bus riding home from school and I missed the stop  and when the bus went to turn around the bus driver made me get off and said I would have to walk back even though they were going right past my stop again and she did that for other kids plus I had a shit load of stuff (like a couple of really big packages) and so I got really mad cuz I needed to get home cuz my mom was missing and she might be at the hospital or dead or something and I was yelling at her (pretty much the same way I yelled at the nurses in the hospital) but anyway I always have these dreams where my mom is back, now in all these dreams she was dead and just came back to life, and in some of them she dies again, except this time I know ahead of time that she will die. So in the dream I am panicking and these guys that are building a house by where the bus is turning offer to give me a ride cuz the bus driver is being a bitch but for some reason I want her to do it. I guess it's the principle of the thing. So anyway I get home and nobody is there, and I start to panics cuz I know my little brother is with my mom. (which that could be from me still feeling guilty over leaving him in the room w/ her when I went to get help I don't know) I call my grandma and she says she knows my mom is missing and she called Eric (who still lived in Georgia in my dream) and said he must already be on his way back (on the day my mom died him and Cheryl were moving back to live w/ us) so my little brother comes home but my mom isn't with him and we all know what's going on. So I am on the floor crying and he is sitting on the couch but then he comes and cries with me and we are talking about how it's not fair. Later I am on the phone w/ Keith and I am telling him something but I don't really remember what I am explaining to him but I do remember saying well when my mom was dead... But then later on my mom is on the phone and I am talking to her and she is telling me that she is going to die again and I start bawling and telling her I love her and that I am going to miss her so much and that I don't want to her to die. And then later that night her bed is in the living room and she is lying in it getting ready to go to sleep, but we all know she is going to die and Johnny is laying on the couch and I come in the living room from my room and I am crying  but not bawling tears are just running down my face and I move Johnny over and lay on the other end of the couch and we all go to sleep. It was kinda weird cuz normally I fight the fact that my mom is back in my dreams I tell who ever is telling me that she isn't and it's just a dream and they say no it's real and then they convince me and I tell her everything I want her to know, about how much I miss her and how much I love her and then I wake up. Well this time it wasn't like that, I nobody told me she was back it was kinda like she had been back for awhile. I don't know. I have read that when you dream about someone who has died you are excepting that they are gone, but how could I have excepted it when I am dreaming that she is back? I like the dreams because I think maybe it is real and she knows what I am dreaming about and telling her in my dreams. Even if it's not true which it probably isn't it still makes me feel a little closer to her because I still feel bad that she didn't know how much she meant to me and that I didn't even know.

me and keith just spent 2 hours debating who is better, kerry or bush, if there should have been a war, and whether or not minorities are worthless and white people rule (guess which side i am on on all of these) now he is on a rant about why gay guys should have to leave too but lesbians can stay (unless they look like dudes) lol. he cracks me up. i know he is saying this just to try and get me riled, at least most of it,i hope. oh great here comes the stuff about the jews. lol. he just goes through the list. at least he agreed that white trash needs to leave too then. i swear he is a younger, sexy, nicer version of harry... that's kinda sick. although i definitly like how he doesnt care about the war or who's president but he will still play devils advocate, sometimes. nobody else will. well  cheryl and my aunt always talk about how retarded bush is with me. lol. sorry if you like bush and are offended by me saying he is dumb as a box of rocks, but really stop kidding yourself. lol but then again he is probably like jessica simpson, they just portray him to be stupid. nah. at least there's proof me and keith can argue and not get mad. ok i am having too much fun i gotta go to bed

i swear for a split second after i flex my abs you can see some definition. i also noticed my quads are looking pretty good too. but i still have a lot to go, especially on my lower tummy and love handles.but i think in a couple of more months i will have a flat stomach. especially if i keep eating right all the time.

keith invited me to the dells this weekend, dont know if i can go yet, marisa and stef are coming up this weekend and i dont know when they will be leaving saturday or if they will be comfortable staying here after i leave. i would like to go to the dells though, and there's a coupon book at osco for the dells. well we might go to the air show  instead but i dont know.

i laid in bed most of this morning cuz i was so sore from yesterday. it feels good though cuz it's right where my saddle bags are, which i might mention are way smaller, i can't wait til monday when i get to measure again. pilates was pretty fun this morning, and it went by really fast. i like all the instructors alot, they are all upbeat and really friendly

I started rereading wildly sophisticated again last night. such a great book. mmmm time for lunch

 

I am in a pissy mood, so in order to do everyone a favor I am removing myself from human contact for the night. LOL. I am going to watch a movie and start flipping through wildly sophisticated again. I went to apply at the hotel where Ross works. I am not sure about anything though. I thought it was going good but then at the end I got the feeling that I am not getting it. I meditated earlier today when I first woke up and I probably will again before I go to sleep. I am going to pass out after this movie. I need to get a great night's sleep, I have a lot of shit to do tomorrow. On top of that I need to clean again. My place isn't bad yet, but I don't want it to get bad either and marisa is coming up Friday with her cousin. Oh and I am doing my dishes every morning now. I am so neat it scares me. Actually I do them so I can eat breakfast so it's just a couple but still and I clean up after myself in the morning so I am not too lazy to clean it all up the next morning and then eat bad stuff. I know most people learn how to do this when they are 2 but I am a slow learner some times. LOL. And it doesn't help to have a grandma that always picks up after you and a mom that doesn't pick up anything. And enough money to hire a maid. LOL. But hey the good news is I am learning.

i am beat!! i watched against the ropes last night. it was a pretty good movie, i liked it. i got up at 445 today and went to my fitness evaluation, i did pretty good, i ran 4.9 mph for a whole mile i was pretty proud of myself. and the guy told me that to loose the extra fat i have i dont need to add cardio, i do enough, but maybe one day on the treadmill for like 30 minutes (i was going to add an hour!!) but i really just need to lift alot of weights, which i do now. he said people trying to loose weight should do some cardio but mainly eat right and lift alot of weights. my whole body is stiff right now, i also went to the bootcamp class (well the last half) and it was hard, i was glad i didnt make the first half. lol.

it's a deal

me and keith made a deal, i have to get a job and he has to loose his gut, personally i like his "gut" but he doesnt so that's the deal. i have to fill out five applications, A DAY!!!!! and i get to make his work out and diet plan. this is going to be fun. (insert evil laugh here) i was generous and gave him 4 months to get it done. there's to be no cheating at all. although if he's lucky i might give him a day off to eat what ever he wants. maybe, if he gets his sexy butt (and it is sexy) over here and gives it to me like he should. lol i'm sorry that was just wrong. but it would feel oh so right. lol.

well apparently kenny is trying to be friends again with marisa now that we arent talking. HA! i laugh in his face, if he only knew what she thinks about him. but anyway, i cant find a good skin and it is pissing me off. and i finally put a pic up on my profile, nobody seems to like it, but i dont care, it's the only one where i dont have a goofy look on my face, i just look mad. but anyway i feel like crap i am going to go to bed at like 9 tonight.

i love my new morning routine. it's so relaxing. i get up and go to the gym, then i feel good and proud of myself and then i come home and make myself some yummy almond oatmeal cream and eat that while i drink some oj as i read my favorite blogs and email. it's very nice.
we worked upper body today, it was really good. i need to get an application today or i think ross will disown me. lol. i cant believe i didnt do it friday when i was down there. however i still have a ton of stuff that i didnt do this weekend that i need to do today. although i must say i am very proud of myself that i got all my laundry done and i have a 32  gallon trashbag full of stuff that is going bye bye! it's all too big! i also noticed one of my saddlebags is almost completely gone and today we worked on the love handles. yea! i am pretty happy with the way my arms and legs are turning out. so i was very happy to work the chest and back and core muscles today. Ross was my drill sargent, he's pretty good at it. and he explains every thing really well. 
i had a weird dream about kyle last night. we were graduating h.s. but we were how we are now. and we were all hugging and crying and then i saw his mom and i started crying again and i was like i missed you so much and she was like hold my hand (dont ask me why) but anyway then they were like lets go back to our house and then kyle said something about brittany being there and i was like what! you said she wasnt, if i would have known that then i would have asked keith to come. and then i woke up. i also had a recurring dream where i joined the military and i am in bootcamp. yikes!
keith came over last night :-D!!!! we had a good time i think. we were both pretty quiet though.we went to see anchorman. it was good but i would say wait til it's on dvd and rent it. and we ate at, where else, portillos. yum. it was kinda weird though cuz before we left i had to jump in the shower and i was embarassed to get naked in front of him. (now i dont know if you noticed but i am not shy about stuff like that, well at least when it's someone i am with, then it's naky time all the time. lol. sorry tmi) but anyway. it was weird. maybe cuz technically we are not together. i dont know. it didnt last long though :-D lol. he put his hand on my butt twice last night as we were walking, i was like yea! (and he said i looked good again. double yea! everybody clap.) it was for the purpose of directing me which way to go cuz i just dont pay attention sometimes, but still he didnt have to put his hand on my butt so i was happy. he's so sexy. i think part of the problem with us could be that maybe we just got too close too fast and didnt really take the time to figure out who the other one was so we just played off each other like we did with the last people we were serious
 with and didnt take the time to realize we are different. does that make sense? i mean i know keith is different from kyle, but it's hard to remember that when we are fighting or if i am being too sensitive. well not even just kyle but alot of people in my life have been negative so i assume keith is being negative too. and we just jumped in after i decided i wanted to be with him and i think that that caused us to both get scared and guarded and not take into account who the other person is. i dont know i am pretty sleepy now so if that doesnt make any sense it's ok. i know what i mean. lol plus i thought this up after we had sex last night so i am guessing it's kinda like when people who are high have a great idea, it's great when you are high but it just doesnt make sense when you come back down. i dont know. i have been so much calmer since last wednesday it's unreal. i mean i know it aint back to normal and that he could still dump me (or i could still dump him...ha i couldnt even type that with a straight face) but i dont know just knowing that i will see him again, and more than likely soon is enough. and that he feels the same way that i do. and that he misses me. i think that was what really worried me because i figured he probably didnt miss me nearly as much as i missed him and that he didnt care and all that. but anyway.
my little brother might be coming to see me. yea! i hope he does, i have lived here for 1 yr and nobody has come to visit me. :-( 
oh and another thing about keith. lol. as if there wasnt enough. he said that he didnt think he was very good in bed!!!! HA!!! can you believe that?! i know i can't. mmmmmmm sex with keith mmmmmmmmmm

oh and i keep forgetting to mention that keith saw his picture and he wasnt even going to mention that he saw it. and the only thing he said about it was that his head looked goofy. it's like thanks considering i spent all that time on it and stressed over it and that's all i get. lol. i dont know i was a little disappointed cuz i wanted him to like it but oh well.

oh i was only mentioning that stuff about guys checking me out because i rarely get checked out or hit on or anything, and it's like now every guy with in sight is noticing me it's just odd. like i wanna know what it is.  but i wasnt saying it cuz i am conceited or anything. but anyway. i am so tired. and i dont feel like cleaning. but i really need to. i think i am going to get some breakfast (coconut shrimp and twice baked potato from joe's crabshack, lol) and then come home and clean....or just try and fix my webpage. lol. i am awful.  no i need to clean. and get groceries so starting tomorrow i can eat extremely good. i would say today but i want a twice baked potato. lol. yummy,

just got back from marisa's. I LOVE her new apartment. it is so cool and soooo big. we had such a great dinner that she made. and her cousin is very cool. we had alot of fun. then on the train ride home I was taking a nap and this guy woke me up, well aparently this guy sitting next to me was saying something about me so that guy wanted to "make sure i was ok" he was a nice guy though and I liked talking to him. but there was almost a fight there for a second. now i know it really had nothing to do with me cuz they were both a bit tipsy, or so it seemed. well the one guy was hammered. but considering how i noticed alot of guys checking me out plus a group of guys honked and yelled at me (i know it was me cuz i was the only one in front of the car and as i was walking to it the driver was looking at me and it wasnt cuz i wasnt paying attention and walking into traffic either, i had the right of way thank you very much) and a guy in my building hit on me and another guy on the train kept stairing at me it was a little weird. it's like is it a full moon? is it the look of pure sexual satisfaction on my face, i have no idea.  maybe it's the shirt i was wearing which i have already decided i am washing in the morning that way i can try it out on keith. and marisa was like you look so skinny.....you look gorgeous so i dont know what it is. marisa thinks it's the sexual satisfaction. i might have to agree. maybe it's the velarium root that i am taking, i just started that tuesday morning, i need to find out what it is though.

 oh and apparently kenny read my blog, he just HAD to read about vegas. what ever, dick! i freaking trusted him not to read it and what does he do the first chance he gets he fucking reads it, that is bullshit,  he thinks of an excuse and goes through it. fine ass but dont expect me to apologize if you read something you dont like. i think he read where i said something about him trying to impress me or whatever and since i was right and didnt care that that was what he was doing it embarassed him and hurt his ego and that is what pissed him off so much. otherwise why would he have gotten so bent out of shape he would have just said hey dont worry i am not trying to get in your pants i was just being friendly. whatever serves him right for snooping the first chance he got. he didnt even last a day. if he wanted to know how i felt about vegas he should have asked.  

i am pretty tired, i think i over slept. i am going to go down to marisa's tonight and hang out with her for awhile. didnt get any cleaning done yesterday and i dont have time today so that sucks. but i am sure i will have plenty of time tomorrow. i wanted to throw some clothes in the wash but that aint happening either. i have a pretty bad tension headache right now, that sucks.

oh i forgot to mention keith was being really sweet when he came over wednesday, he was all like it looks like you lost weight. and i was like sweet. i have been in such a good mood since he came over. it's pretty nice, i have just been really relaxed and sleeping much better. well except the nightmare i had when i took a nap but i am not even going to go into that cuz it was just awful (although there was a good sex part in the dream , so it wasnt all bad) making a webpage is way harder than i thought. well making it from scratch i should say. although when i figure out something new i get all excited and have a nice sense of satisfaction. however it takes me like an hour to get one thing right and about 50 wrong. but that's ok, i have 1 and a half pages done, they are very simple but that's ok for now. i just need to figure out how to publish them and then how to link them all together. cuz the rest of the pages should be a snap. but they will all still be pretty simple.

me and kenny aren't really talking, fine by me. i am going to go to marisa's for supper tomorrow night. i have a ton of stuff to do because i am so lazy and put everything off. I am going to run down town after while and fill out an application at the hotel where Ross works. I am getting pretty far on my webpage but I still have alot to go.

In other news: Kenny is a moron. hmmm surprising

Kenny (2:09:15 AM): Kurt told me that you told Keith on your cell phone in the Old. that Kurt might want you...to think that Kurt wanted or wants you... or I ever do when we hangout is fucking crazy Elisha...get off you fucking high horse

Kenny (2:09:38 AM): sorry that just made me pissed when he told me that tonight

then i proceded to tear him a new one a few seconds ago and now he is online but went invisible i guess so that way he doesnt have to talk to me. fine by me. he is a spank. I never said that (the time frame he is talking about is on the way to the airport friday, why would i say something like that to keith when i am going to be going away for the weekend with the guy, duh think about it, not to mention the thought didnt even cross my mind and Kurt was right next to me when i was talking with keith, i am sorry but i am not a moron, unlike some people) and he didnt even ask if  i said it just started cussing me out. oh and the old is the oldsmobile that he drives cuz he is a knob (i stole that from keith cuz it so fits kenny). like i really care if either of them want me the only reason i even think that kenny might is because he does shit that makes me uncomfortable otherwise i really wouldnt care at all. and i dont care if kurt wants me. me and kurt had fun but news flash for kenny i am with keith he's the only one i care about if he wants me or not. and since he said kurt said that i said kurt wanted me why would kenny include himself in that. unless he thinks that i am hoping or he really does want me. i am sorry but i might have been with him for awhile but come on.  he thinks he is so fucking hot and i always have to hear about how every girl wants him or some girl isnt good enough. whatever. he is so self-centered it's unreal.

well anyway i had a great work out. ross told me to stop by his work sometime and fill out an application, that's probably what i am going to do. he was also making fun of me cuz i am a flake and only work for a day. lol. it's so true. lol. oh and i burned 414 calories in that class today go me.

SSCCOOORRRE!!!

I finally got some!! and it was goooooood. keith came over last night to "talk" well that didnt happen. lol. first of all my power in my apartment was out and that sucked. but i think we all know what happens when there's a power outage. lol. so i guess it worked to our advantage. and because it was so hot we had a little fun with some water. that was nice. i was thinking about that everytime i took a drink when i was working out today. i was like dang that was good. and i didnt even bother keeping track of how many times i got off. it was really fun. i wouldnt mind doing that again. i might have to fake a little power outage here or there. and it was great cuz like a millisecond after we were done the air came back on. it was perfect timing. i was laying in bed half an hour later and so wanted to do it again but the rest of my body was like dont even think about it. lol. and we might do something this weekend. so that would be nice if we do, then maybe we could actually get closer to a decision. and hopefully have lots more sex. mmmmm sex. oh not to mention that i got a little oral action and it was very nice. but ya know i feel guilty when i am having sex with him, it's like i am just laying there and he is doing his thang and being awesome and i am just being selfish. i mean it's awesome,  i am not used to that and i dont want him to think i dont want to take care of him, i just feel bad cuz i know i should be doing something but i am liking it too much. lol. that's sad. but true

well apparently my boss assumed i was going to come into work yesterday so because i didnt and i didnt call him to tell him i wasnt coming in i dont get my job back...I WAS FIRED!!!!! why would i just show up to work? that's psycho. cant really blame him for being pissed that i didnt call yesterday, i mean i wasnt working there so i feel it shouldnt be a big deal if i waited one day, but he did so ok, i would probably be pissed too, i figured he would be. oh well. I didnt want to work there anymore anyway after last week but I was going to just cuz money is money and then quit when i found something else. so anyway. keith might come over tonight cuz he had a softball game last night, and he hit a homerun!! he's so strong! well i gotta eat and clean a bit and then watch havana nights.

Kenny and Kurt in the lobby of the Luxor 

Me and Kurt by the canal in the Venetian 

Me in front of the water show at the Bellagio 

Me and Kenny at the fountain in front of the Bellagio.  

This is me and Kenny, dont remember where we are though 

This is me and Kurt in front of the fountain at the Bellagio 

VEGAS:

Friday: waited for kenny and Kurt to pick me up and then we went to dinner with sarah, kenny's ex, which was weird. i really had no desire to meet her considering all the shit he says about her, but it wasnt so bad. Then did some running around. My clothes didnt get dry so that sucked but they didnt get moldy so i didnt have to go to the laundromat in vegas i just dried them in the bathroom. we went to the airport and our plane was delayed for 2 hours. that sucked. but it went by fast. kurt had to step out of line for security like 2 or 3 times to take off his shoes and belt and be patted down. it was funny, at least for me and kenny, the plane ride was cool, i was scared at first but then it was all good. they wanted to still go out when we got there but i was extremely tired, cuz it was 6 am in chicago by the time we got there so i had been up for almost 24 hours if you count the 15 minute naps here and there that i had, so we went to the pyramid cafe at the luxor and ate and i about fell asleep on the table, i could barely lift my arm i was so exhausted. then we went to bed. that was nice. the rooms sucked though. at least compared to how kenny made them out to be. he said they were soo awesome and it's like dude if it wasnt for the downstairs this could be the holiday inn. normally i dont care about hotels but he hyped it up. and it's like there were alot of little details that sucked at the luxor. like the inclinators were crappy looking and just minor stuff. but the details are what makes or breaks a place, i mean if you put alot into the details no body notices but if you dont then everybody notices. however the outside and the casino part were pretty cool. i loved the pyramid cafe, they have excellent toast. mmmm. oh we also checked out the spa which was pretty cool, and then we went to look at the pool and there were 2 people gettin it on. started getting sick of kenny on the plane ride

Saturday: woke up and went to the spa. it was nice. didnt get a massage though just sat in the jacuzi and in the steam room and sauna and then took a flavored shower, i was apple. met 2 fellow artists in the spa. then we went to the belagio for the buffet, it was awesome! their pork tenderloins were delicious at least to me, but i am weird. then we went to watch the water show which is sooo cool. that was my favorite thing besides the second hotel. then we went to see zumanity which kenny didnt get the right time so i couldnt go change so i felt like a bum, but zumanity was soo awesome we had perfect seats and it was just amazing. more for guys than girls i thought cuz there werent that many guys in the show but it was still awesome and very funny and i want to see it again. it was basically topless gymnastics and 1 male strip tease, and then a bunch of dirty jokes (my fave) and then the end was the best but i cant tell you cuz i dont want to ruin the surprise, oh and there was a simulated orgy thing which was cool. i want to see it again so bad. oh the warm up that starts half an hour before the show was awesome. definitly worth seeing.  then we went to rita rudner who wasnt that great. she had some good stuff and i laughed alot but it was more of a haha rather than anything that made pee my pants. and kenny yelled out something stupid during the show and she shot him down and i was like dude i cant believe i am sitting next to you. and then after that show we had to hear kenny talk about when he shouted something out and we had to dysect why she was pissy to him. and all that. he was like i thought it was funny. whatever kenny. then i went and got mcdonalds and ate and talked to keith for a sec before i went to bed and they went out. i know i am lame. tough. still sick of kenny at this point. partly because he keeps asking me if i want a drink and i told him before we left that i wasnt going to be drinking. also because he was putting his arm around me a few times. it might have been like a friend thing cuz he is kinda touchy feely like that but i dont know it didnt feel like that to me. and also cuz rita rudner made a joke about how guys wont change and how her grandma said guys are like pies, if you want another flavor get a new pie this one is already baked. well when i went to get mcdonalds i made kenny take me and show me where it was well he mentioned keith and he was like i think you need a new pie and he put his arm around me and laughed. i was like um i  like this flavor just fine. then on the way back he was like why are you being a bitch to me and i felt bad cuz i was being bitchy to him but it's like i didnt want to be nice and then he thinks something, and he was pissy me off about the drinks.

Sunday: got up and packed for checking out, then went to THEhotel to check our bags and then we wandered around for a bit and checked out some hotels and stuff, which is an odd thing to get used to that the hotels are the attraction. i dont know where we ate breakfast, but anyway then we went and checked in at THEhotel at mandalay bay and freaked out over how cool the room was and then went down to the pool and freaked out some more, that was a fave part too cuz we were laying under the shade of palm trees, looking out at the pool, with the view of a perfect sky and some mountains in the background that looked like they were painted onto a backdrop. then me and kurt went to sit in the jacuzi which was suprisingly very nice considering it was like 110 outside and the jacuzi was hot. then we went and got ready for the amazing jonathan show, well i wore this one outfit that i really liked and thought it looked nice and everything, well we were waiting to be seated for supper at fix in the belagio, (the best porkchop i have ever eaten and the design was awesome) and these 2 old ladies gave me really nasty looks. i was like what the hell i am more covered up than most of the girls here that are my age, why the hell should i get a diry look. kurt saw both of them give me the look but i only saw one so i looked at him and he started kinda laughing and i was like what the hell was that about and he said he had no idea and agreed that i  was dressed more tastefull than most of the girls there, kenny said they were jealous. i dont know. but then we were walking around more and i still got some looks so i was like what the fuck. kurt said everyone probably thought i was his prostitute for the evening and i was like oh well that's fucking great just what i want to look like. well the amazing jonathan was pretty funny. i laughed my ass off there and we were in the front row for that with vip seating. then of course i went to the hotel and called keith then went to bed and they went out. well saturday i asked them not to wake me up any more if they could help it cuz they woke me up on friday. well they come in and kenny is ringing the doorbell to the room (that's right our room had a doorbell) which he is lucky that i couldnt hear cuz i was in the bedroom, but he was laughing his ass off cuz he thought he was going to wake me up, and then he comes in and grabs my leg really hard and that kind of wakes me up but then i thought he was laying on me (i was on my stomach) so i pushed him off and yelled at him to get the fuck off of me and then put my head phones on and then went to sleep. while they stayed up and were really loud (if they wanted to talk they could have shut the door and gone into the other room) and kenny doesnt know how to close the bedroom door, so the next day i asked who was laying on me, i figured it was kenny but kurt might have thought it was funny, cuz when he woke up he was like sorry we woke you up again, well he said no one did and that kenny might have pushed me, which is possible because i felt it mostly on my back, well kenny denies it too but i know he is lying. well anyway kenny was like haha did we wake you up haha, so that pissed me off that he was so rude, not to mention i know the only reason he was waking me up was because he was pissed that i didnt go out with them. 

Monday: woke up at 9:47 but layed in bed til 12 cuz it was so damn comfy i couldnt make myself get up. then they went to the spa there and i went to breakfast, before i went to breakfast kenny wanted to meet back at 2 but then said no 5 and then go to eat supper cuz he didnt want to wait for me to get back but me and kurt were both like that's stupid just wait for me to get back. well they left, and then i left a little late and was afraid i was going to get lost so left a note telling them that i might be a little late, well i was back at 203 and they were gone already, so i had to have kurt come and get me and then i said something to kenny that he couldnt have waited 5 minutes for me and he was like well we got back at 140 so we wanted to go and i was like so you didnt even wait until the time you told me to be back?!  i was pissed. it's like then why bother saying you are going to meet someone at a certain time if you dont want to wait til that time. oh and earlier in the vaca, he was being passive aggressive and i called him on it and i think it embarassed him but it was pissing me off and there was no need for him to act that way. he was condesending to me and it's like why ask for my opinion if you dont care and are going to do what you want to anyway. plus he said ok to my idea and then changed it back to his not 10 minutes later. that drives me nuts just say no the first time. then we went to pool and we were playing around in the wave pool and stuff and then went to change for supper at the belagio buffet again. they had a ton off stuff, like alaskan king crab that was precut or whatever, and prime rib and tons of stuff that would normally be way too expensive to eat and it was all you could eat. for like 23 bucks a person. i ate so much i got sick. then we watched the water show a couple of more times. and then went to the airport where kenny met a chemist that can make him gum with dextrose in it so he can chew it. i slept some on the way home but woke up in time to see the sunrise. it was awesome. i cant describe how cool the view was. then i slept til 4 this afternoon. then i found out kenny emailed marisa and one of the first things he said was that i didnt get drunk, what like he was hoping i would? i told him before we left i wasnt going to. and he knows how i am when i get drunk so i am now pissed. me and kurt hung out alot which was nice. i like kurt and we had a good time. most of the time i was annoyed with kenny but i still had a blast and i would go again, just not with kenny, i cant even describe how cool vegas is either the things to see are so awesome and i didnt even really see it that much at night so i can only imagine. oh and we saw a hooker monday night and she was gorgious and kurt said they all were so then i was like oh well now i dont feel bad if every one thought i was a hooker the other night and he was like i was just joking about that. ouch. why does everyone have to be putting me down? lol. but anway. keith didnt come over today he might tomorrow but i dont know.

 

yeah, i'm in vegas. we are staying at THEhotel at mandalay bay. it is sooo fucking awesome, i have never seen a cooler hotel, i will post about all the cool stuff when i get back and i am not exhausted. the sucky part is that kenny is getting on my nerves. so me and kurt stick together, kenny is saying shit about keith, and he says shit about me, and then it seems like he is trying to impress me or make me want to be with him again. and he told me to bring a couple hundred bucks for food for the whole weekend well he is taking us to places that cost 50 bucks per person.  but anyway. i dont know almost everything makes me think that i wish i was with keith and that we would be having so much fun and so much sex, but i am still enjoying myself so dont worry. i am going to try to post pics either here or on my webpage or a little of both.  seriously this hotel room is so awesome i never want to leave (there's a flatscreen tv in the bathroom across from the huge ass tub. but that's just the beginning. i called keith hoping for a little phone action but he was too tired i think, either that or he just didnt want it, i'm gonna go with too tired. but anyway. i am going to go and pass out in my awesome bed.  well after i have some sweet self lovin' in my cool hotel room while kurt and kenny are out livin it up.

VIVA LAS VEGAS

i'm all packed and ready to go, tried calling keith but i guess he doesnt have reception right now, so now i am listening to my fave dave matthews songs and waiting for kenny, i can't wait to check out the spa!!! gotta check my mail and see if my art assignment came today, i am hoping it did but it probably didnt, i am curious as to what i got on it

Top 5 reasons to be grateful today!

1. I am going to Vegas
2. My apartment is clean (for the most part. lol)
3. I will get to do my laundry for free
4. I had a hard core workout with a great work out buddy even though I didnt want to get my lazy butt out of bed
5. I didnt have to make any of the plans for going to Vegas or worry about any of the details, I am just along for the ride!

Top 10 reasons for me to be happy with my life

1.  I am going to Vegas!!! 
2.  I can take these great free classes everyday to get into shape
3.  If I get a job, that is just extra money (well mostly) 
4.  My ex-boss wants me to give him a call when I get back from Vegas so I can go back to work there.
5.  I look better than I ever have
6.  I have great friends who care about me 
7.  I am healthy
8.  All my friends and family are healthy 
9.  I might be starting my own business
10.  I am young and have all the time in the world.
    (oh and number 11 which is always on the list, I live in Chicago!!)
    

this is sweet! glad to be able to change the font and color and all that.

so anyway, heading to vegas tonight, i was sad cuz keith said he was hurt that i am not taking my first flight with him, well at first that made me sad cuz i wanted to take my first flight with him, but ya know he's the one who wanted the break, so i am not going to feel guilty because i am doing something for me. i dont think i could be his first for anything so what does it matter if he is not there when i take my first flight. he said they were boring anyway.

i have to call dr. a.  and tell him keith did not in fact come down last night even though i asked him to. i dont know i guess i am glad that he didnt cuz now i can prepare for the worst i guess and quit hoping we will get back together. i gave him 2 good solutions to try for our fighting and he doesnt want to try them, so how else are we going to get better?

I AM GOING TO VEGAS!!!!! i am mostly looking forward to the hotel room. and the spa, i feel kinda eh about the shows and everything else. i mean i know i will have fun at them, but i dont know what to expect so i dont know what to get my hopes up about. ya know.

took a weight training class this morning or i guess i should say sculpting class, it was hard! no cardio so that was nice, but the abs part was harder than pilates, and i dont think i am going to be able to move again later on. so that sucks but like i said i am going to a spa when i am at the hotels.

guess i better pack and all that stuff and i want to take a nap cuz i am sleepy,

i dont think i am going to do that lunch thing, that guy seems like he just wants to get some and that's not cool, either that or just have someone listen to him talk about himself. so whatever, i have better things to do, anyway, the class that i took today (the bootcamp) was so much better! i didnt get sick and worked out really hard,(my calves are on FIRE! lol) and there was another woman in there today she was older like, i would say 50 but she is probably older and just looks good for her age ( i am bad at judging peoples ages) so anyway she was so buff! but those 2 women and the instructor are all really nice so it's like i have 4 workout buddies. ya know what i mean. plus everyone in pilates is really nice, i had a good time today and am a little sad that i am not going to be here on tuesday for it. i ended up drinking 3 bottles of water! in 1 hour! that's not going to be pretty

update on me and keith: i know he isnt going to leave me for someone else now, so that is a HUGE relief, we had a "heart to heart" last night, so i feel better about the whole thing now, i mean i knew why he wanted it but i guess i just didnt believe myself cuz i was listening to everyone else and not keith, who has never lied to me, anyway so i found out he does miss me so that is good, cuz it seemed like he didnt at all. so hopefully i will be able to handle the break better

also i started a brief meditation practice last night that really helped me calm down. so i am hoping between that and working out with ross and the classes my mind will not be rushing around constantly with crazy thoughts, also i think that part of the reason keith thought that i just sat here and thought of reasons to be mad at him was that for awhile i was kinda living in my head and didnt realize it, part of the meditation was learning that thoughts aren't "real" and that they are little drama's in your head trying to distract you and well since i didnt have anything better to do it wasnt too hard to distract me. so it's not like i was sitting here thinking of reasons to be mad at him, it's that i didnt have anything better to do than just sit here, and think, and since he is on my mind alot well you know one thing leads to another. oh and i am hoping that between meditating and exercising as hard as the classes are, and so early in the morning will knock me out when i go to bed, which is the most problematic time for me.

so today, i have plans to return some of the clothes that i bought for work (i would return all but i took the tags of some to wear) and i am going to clean! and pack and then tomorrow i will probably clean some more. i think i need to go to bed for awhile first though. lol. which probably isnt helping me get to sleep at night any faster, although yesterday i only had a 15 minute nap.

Good News and Bad News

well bad news first, lost my job cuz i am going to vegas. that sucks!

good news i fit into a size 6 pants, and keith said that i am every thing he could want sexually and that there was nothing wrong with that part of our relationship and he said that he was thinking of coming down with wings tonight to surprise me but since he still doesnt know about the break he didnt want to confuse me more and hurt me if he still doesnt want to go out. so it's like in ways i am happy cuz of that but i am sad too and i just want to cry about the job and keith but my makeup looks too damn good to ruin. lol. that's a lie but oh well, i mean my makeup does look good....

i dont even want to go on this trip any more, not cuz the job cuz i still wouldnt go back, and not necessarily cuz of keith but just because i am depressed and didnt really want to go that bad anyway and i was just doing it to get out of the apartment and stay at a really fancy hotel. and i mean for a trip that i didnt want to go on anyway it sure is costing me alot

oh and keith said some other things that were really sweet and it's like ya know if you would have done or said these things before hand then we might not be in this mess now. i mean maybe but it couldnt have hurt anything

well i went to pilates today, it was pretty good, the teacher is hilarious! and really nice, she's going to try to come to the bootcamp class tomorrow. i mentioned vegas to keith and now he is all worried that i am going to get back with kenny, and it's like ya know, you wanted this break not me, and i am so much more miserable than he is. it's unreal! and i am not going to feel guilty about going to vegas or spending time with kenny. first of all kenny is dating this girl and he thinks it will get serious (we all know how fast kenny likes to move) and he just sent me pics of these 2 girls him and his brother are going to try and have sex with! now why would i sleep with someone like that!? it makes me wonder what he did in vegas when he went when were sorta together. and i dont want another boyfriend if me and keith dont work out. i mean i just got my heartbroken twice (well three if you count michael, lol) in less than a yr. obviously i am not doing too good. why would i keep trying something after i get hurt almost everytime i have done it? besides i would not have any time for a new boyfriend with work and soon school and working out. and my new friends. so anyway. i am going to try and not dwell on whats going on with me and keith any more on here, it will be hard i know, but my day has enough highs and lows in it and i need to concentrate on the good things that i have going on now and less on the stuff that is iffy, i mean i think that if we get back together we will be better for the break and if we dont get back together then it wasnt right and i cant keep going over all the what if's, it's wearing me out. so anyway

about the job, i actually have 2, one is marketing for a real estate company or well actually a mortgage company, but we do real estate too, so if i have to be a telemarketer i guess i would rather be one in a field that i want to learn about, dont know about my boss, he might be an asspain but we will see i am sure, but the two girls that i am training with are AWESOME! one is from west africa and she is a refugee from a civil war in her country and her brother's are still over there, and the other is from california. i mean how cool is that. at first i thought the one from california, mallory, was going to be stuck up because she kinda gave me a look but then she was really nice and we got along great, i think the look was more because i knew what questions to ask or something like that, cuz she was wondering how long the training was and if it was paid and the boss, bruce, wasnt there so i was saying that it was for a week and paid and she was like he tells you everything and he doesnt tell us anything, and she kinda laughed and she was like well that's probably cuz you know all the right questions to ask. so i felt smart, and pamela is really nice and sweet too, and she has a great accent, we all walked home together, it was so sweet, well up to chicago ave. that's where we split up.

like i said went to pilates with ross today, and tomorrow is the bootcamp then friday we are taking another class i havent taken before, umm gotta run

ya know, this sucks, i go to bed sad and wake up seriously pissed off. it's ridiculous, and i cant remember any of my dreams all though i had a very vivd one about keith the night before last, it was crazy but the whole thing about me wanting to save him and be there for him but i couldnt so i had to get his ex wife to help him, that's not a cool dream ( it was a complicated dream but apparently her new boyfriend was evil and we were trying to set a trap for him and keith was the bait and i was supposed to come to keith's "rescue" [even though it was all planned out] with keith's guns but i couldnt find them, then i couldnt find the bullets and it was just a mess so i sent his ex in to get him. lol, it was bad) but anyway, last night i couldnt remember any dreams and i woke up with a headache, but anyway, we are on a break, the reason i go to bed upset is because i want to believe him when he says he just needs time but everyone is saying that he is getting with someone else or that i should just leave him or whatever. so i feel stupid and that him and matt are laughing at me and that i am just being a stupid girl, so anyway enough about that,

i got a work out buddy, his name is ross, he is married to a woman that lives in thailand, he says the most wonderful things about her, it's so sweet, he is a really nice guy and i am happy to meet someone that lives by me, we worked out today, and i got sick, i was so embarassed, i was kinda glad i didnt have anything to eat cuz i actually got sick (if ya know what i mean) but there was nothing in my stomach, i felt better afterwards though but before i got sick i couldnt even do shoulder presses with a three lb weight, and my arms are exhausted, we did a bootcamp class, i am going to try again on thursday, and i am going to have a bite to eat before i go and then i am going to drink tons of water too so i am not dehydrated, but then i am going to have to pee like a race horse, but that's better than being sick. ross said that i probably still have the stamina of a 180 lb girl and that makes sense, i am sure that is what it is. tomorrow we are going to do pilates, yeah!

i might have a job, i am supposed to go in tonight at 5 but they still have to call my references so i might not get it, it's a marketing job, i dont know if i will like it but it's money and i need money for school and new clothes and bills, and to hire a maid, actually in that order too. lol. that's sad. i should pay bills before i get new clothes, but anyway, i also will be doing some scouting for a modeling agency, it just pays commission, so i dont know if i will do that or not, it depends.

me, kenny, and his brother are leaving for vegas friday night, i am nervous, cuz i dont want to fly but Joseph (a guy that i talk to on the im who is a really good listener) told me to go to a health food store and get some of these pills to take, i forget the name but it starts with a v. so anyway, i am going to do that before i fly, and we are all sharing a room so that sucks, but it's way cheaper, and ross was saying that if we get double beds then they can have a roll away in there and even if we get a king size kurt and kenny are sleeping in that bed and i get the roll away, i already told them i called the floor. lol. i aint sleeping in the same bed as either one of them but apparently they only take naps anyway, mostly we are going to be doing stuff together but they are going to be going to some dance clubs and i will be back at the hotel reading a book and posting about how cool it is and then passing out!! also i know they are going to be drunk for most of it but i already decided i am not drinking while i am there, kenny said he would babysit me but first of all i dont want completely ruin my diet, at least more than it already will be but we will be walking alot so i figure that makes up for some of it, plus i just hate how i feel dehydrated when i have been drinking, plus i actually want to remember stuff and it will save me a ton of money cuz it's like i am not going to be gambling either so i wont get the free drinks. so you might be wondering why i am even going, well 1 just to go, never been, never flown anywhere, and really have only gone on one other trip with friends, when me and kyle and a couple we were friends with came up to chicago for the comicbook convention (my friend is an
AWESOME comic book artist) and we tagged along cuz it was chicago. and i know i had another reason but now i cant think of it. lol. but who needs another one. we are going to see zoomanity and amazing jonathan and rita rudner and we are going to a dueling piano bar and we get a free spa pass, so that is more than enough for me to do for saturday sunday and monday, i plan on laying out by the pool too, i will take sunscreen dont worry, and we are going to see the tigers and some flowers at bilagio so i can take pics to have stuff to draw. so i am going to be exhausted!!

oh and i forgot to mention keith complimented me last night, i said i look like a scarecrow and he said he was sure i looked good anyway, ya know...really, now he compliments me?! what's with that? i mean dont get me wrong i was on cloud nine after he said that but it's like you couldnt have done that before? oh well, i dont know what is going to happen and i signed up for a ton of shit to do so i am going to be hella busy and i am going to make a ton of new friends (hopefully)and just do stuff that i have been putting off, i am also talking to a guy about playing soccer but i dont know after today i will probably not be able to keep up, and i dont know when i would have time to do it, also there is another guy who wants someone to eat lunch with and he is down in the loop, i emailed him, and the soccer guy, i dont know i was hoping some girls would email me for my work out ad but only 2 guys did so i dont know and also i am on href="http://www.friendeaver.com">www.friendeaver.com so i am hoping to find some people to hang out with and things to do. if i dont find anythere after i have been working a bit i might try the adventure club but i will work in the evenings and saturday so i dont know when i would be able to go. especially once i start school. actually once i start school i dont know if i will have time for anything except working out, i also checked up on some people who wanted roommates and i found a couple right around here so that would be cool but i dont know i think once i start working and going to school i will be glad i dont have roommates, although the real reason i want to move is for a dishwasher and a washer and dryer, there was one girl with a three bedroom who was leaving and her roommates would probably be leaving by august 15, that would be cool cuz then i could pick my roommates and it was only for 750 a month. oh i did all of this at href="http://www.craigslist.com">but anyway i am going to go to bed now

well apparently he didnt even see the email because his computer had a virus, and he didnt call me cuz he thought he dropped his phone in the lake but really his friend had it and he only has my number on his cell, well he didnt call me until 11 last night, he could have called information to get my number, i dont know. it seems like he is just stringing me along, he tells me i cant leave him hanging and here he does it for a whole weekend, and now going into the week, i mean that makes me pretty angry, he would hate that shit and then he does it to me, and we barely talked cuz he was tired since he had been up since 3 in the morning, i dont know but each day that goes by the madder i get and i bet he is just going to say oh sorry and expect it to be better, when i have again been put on the back burner and he isnt even considering my feelings, he's not considering how hard it is for me to sit here for 2 days and wonder if he is going to go out with me while he has fun with his friends and cant even take the time to call me. that's bullshit.

Your Sign Is: Curves Ahead

You've got a lot of sex appeal, but you don't overplay it.

You know you're hot. And you don't have to prove it to anyone else.

Instead of being the center of attention, you tend to lure your crush away from the crowd.

It's hard work to get with you - but you are worth the effort.



What's Your Street Sign?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

hmmm...dont know about this one, at least it doesnt feel that way right now

You Are A Relationship Rescuer! You don't ruin relationships, if anything you keep them together The key: you respect yourself and your guy. Which goes further than you might think. You simply treat your guy how you would like to be treated... the old golden rule. And in return, he treats you like gold - or at least tries. And how perfect is that Do You Ruin Relationships? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Sexual Personality: Sensualist

For you to enjoy sex, it's got to feel, smell, look, sound, and taste right

You're all about ultimate sensual experiences - from bubble baths together to feeding each other

You're up for some kinky stuff, but only if it feels right to you.

You tend be a hedonist in the bedroom, taking all night to savor each sexual moment.



Your sexual power position is missionary. You like to feel every inch of your partner's body.

Sometimes, you'll flip over for rear entry, but you'll still be laying on top of one another.



You are most compatible with other sensualists and princes / princesses.

You need a lover who enjoys being spoiled in bed as much as you do.



Get with a tiger / tigress and you'll feel like the sex is too cheap and fast.

Get with an adventurer / adventuress, and you won't be happy with the icky things they want to do.



Kink things up by playing with anything by Kama Sutra.

They specialize in products that enhance every pleasurable sensation.



What's Your Sexual Personality?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

hmmm....

20 Questions to a Better Personality




Wackiness: 56/100
Rationality: 60/100
Constructiveness: 40/100
Leadership: 44/100


You are a WRDF--Wacky Rational Destructive Follower. This makes you a hacker. Your thirst for knowledge can be damaging to your possessions--you like to take things apart, even if you then forget to put them back together. You demand respect and, no matter how much you are respected, seldom feel it is adequate. You are tenacious, and will stick to a task long after weaker minds have given it up.

Socially, you are awkward, and get into arguments and make people uncomfortable. One recommends counting to ten, holding back comments unless warranted, and listening more than speaking. Still, your no-holds-barred approach to socialization can be strangely endearing, as long as you are funny and self-deprecating.

You feel misunderstood, and you probably are.
http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp?quiz=Better+Personality&page=1 (thats the site that i got it from)

well i guess i ruined it. i sent him an email trying to tell him how i felt but i guess i screwed it up. i asked kenny to read it and well he said it was only going to cause trouble, all i was trying to do was stop it but i guess i just added to it without realizing it, i dont know i guess i cant do anything right

oh and i didnt even mention that he hasnt even picked up that picture i did for him, hasnt even cared enough to drive 2 minutes to pick it up. if that was for me i would be on the edge of my seat waiting for it til it came, but whatever i guess he was wrong when he said he appreciated stuff like that more than store bought stuff, he doesnt appreciate either one. ok i know that was a bit bitter, and not nice but i did put alot of effort into it the only reason it took so long was because i was getting frustrated and was mad because it wasnt going to be as good as i wanted and i didnt want to give him something that didnt meet my standards, and it makes me mad cuz now i wont get to see if the frame looks good or not, i wont get to see the finished product and that sucks. and he doesnt even care to pick it up, and i told him last night if he didnt want it to send it down here and he was like well if you want it i will just send it so now he doesnt even care at all, he hasnt even seen it and he doesnt want it, i mean, you try doing something for someone you love that much and spending months in frustration about it cuz it's not as good as you think they deserve and they dont even care to see it!

i just dont understand

i dont know, i guess he really does want to break up, we wont see eachother for another week if we dont and then he will have the kids, and who knows i am sure something will happen before the next weekend to ruin that one too. i am really sad right now, i mean he made plans for the whole weekend and didnt even think how i would feel about that. or if we would stop fighting, if i would have done that yesterday (cuz marisa wanted me to stay the night) he would have been pretty pissed if we stopped fighting and then we didnt get to see eachother because i made plans. although i guess we havent really stopped fighting, or at least we are not fighting but we are not back together, and he left me hanging about it all weekend. that makes me mad, i am actually extremely hurt and angry about that, and that he didnt care whether he saw me all weekend. i dont know, i would be really hurt and upset if we broke up but it's like i dont see how this is going to get better, i dont know what to do to make this right, i mean i cant make him show me that he cares about me. it just sucks because i do care about him so much, i am sure i will get over it and move on and all that but it does just suck, i mean because he is everything i want in a guy, personality and looks wise but in a relationship i guess we just arent good together, and it's like i am willing to do what needs to be done but he cant, i am so sick of thinking about it, it's just really hurtful that he didnt care to see me this weekend and that he doesnt want to make me feel like he wants me around and that he so easily replaces me. i mean i know fighting and stuff doesnt make it easy so i know he is having problems with it. but dammit we didnt fight for 2 fucking weeks. and i know that's not a long time but what is it with guys ditching out when it actually starts to get better, they put up with all the bullshit and when things finally start looking better that's when they cant take it any more? what is with that, is that because they think if shit starts to get better they might have to propose? and seriously why cant guys get it through their damn head that not every girl wants to be married at 18, i dont want to marry keith if he keeps making me feel invisible, that would be the dumbest thing i could do, i dont want to marry anyone at 21 i dont want to have kids, i dont want to move, (at least out of the city) i dont want all of that yet, yes in the future, the FUTURE not now not tomorrow in 9 yrs! i dont know, it's like we were on a good track and ya know of course there are going to be setbacks. ok i mean it's not like we are never going to fight again, i tried walking away and cooling off and i did but then he started in again, and i just couldnt walk away a second time. it just pisses me off that after one set back he wants to leave, then what was all this up til now? what good was any of it? why did we waste our time? UUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH i just dont understand!

i found my new favorite movie! cold mountain is so good!, i dont think there could be a more romantic movie ever made, it was awesome!... that's weird i just got a call from the front desk there is a guy who wants to sublease my apartment! weird, and yet maybe i could use it. hmm where do i want to live next...

i was up at like 7 this morning unable to sleep so after i went and got breakfast and messed around a bit i tried to nap, but nothing, so i was like wait a minute, maybe if i played with the little man in the boat he would be happy and i could go to sleep, and damn if it didnt work, i passed out!! and i am thinking about doing it again just so i can have another nap that good, not even to mention that that was the second best orgasm i ever gave myself (the best with out the use of utensils, lol) well anyway, sorry if thats tmi but i just feel so good after that nap that i dont care, but i think i definitly found a cure for insomnia, i was really shocked though that i was that frustrated, i mean i knew it was bad friday, but then i got mad so it didnt even cross my mind, and then serioiusly within a minute i was out, poor little guy, he just wanted some lovin,

seriously this is beyond ridiculous, apparently now keith is mad because i hurt his feelings because i said his sorry doesnt mean anything any more, now i could understand how that could hurt someone's feelings however the reason i said it was because he apologized for blowing me off and then turned around and said later on that he didnt blow me off and that it was all my fault. ok if you dont think you did something and then said that the fight that ensued afterwards was all the other persons fault, wouldnt that mean you didnt mean it when you said sorry? to me it does, but then again i am crazy and i sit here and think of reasons to be mad at him. but he doesnt care that the shit he said hurt my feelings, that saying i was making it easy for him to break up with me isnt hurtful. and if he doesnt want to break up then he was just saying that to hurt my feelings, it's this whole double standard. it's just too ridiculous. and now i am sure he is waiting for me to call but if i would have said that to him he would have been like fine and then never called me cuz i said i didnt want to go out with him anymore, so whatever, he said he didnt want to be with me and i am taking it as that, if he decides he wants to work it out afterwards fine he knows where i live, it just seems funny though cuz last night he asked if i still wanted to do something this weekend before the fight got out of hand and i said yeah and then i left and came back and on the computer screen was "if you dont want to do something this weekend let me know so i can make other plans" so obviously he had something lined up. i feel like he is just fucking playing games and doing whatever it takes to keep the upper hand in the relationship when i am just trying to get it even. if he has to have all the control in a relationship and all the power then i guess he has the wrong chick.

well i was really looking forward to seeing keith today, missed him a lot, it kinda felt like that first night he picked me up after me and kenny broke up, but that all changed, we got in a huge fight cuz he didnt want to drive all the way here to pick me up so i said i would take the train, well before i said that i said i didnt really feel like taking it but then i looked it up and saw there was one for later, that i could make if i started to get ready right then well keith waited like 20 minutes to return the im but i still could have made it if i just left, well instead of answering about getting on the train, he just said i will come down tomorrow, well that really hurt my feelings that we had plans and he just blew me off, so i got mad, and we started fighting, well then one thing led to another and we broke up, i dont know if it is for good but i have a feeling it is, it has been seeming like he met someone else anyway, so i dont know. i was believing him that it was just stress and shit that was making him act funny but we hadnt been fighting for 2 weeks and i offered to stay longer last weekend and he didnt want me to and this is the second time he has not wanted to come down on friday and considering i said i would take the train, i hate how guys pull this shit, if you dont want to go out then just fucking say it, kyle was the same way he wouldnt tell me why, he didnt say i met someone else, if he would have then fine, but that's fucking mean to not tell someone why you are breakng up or give them a bullshit excuse that they know is fake cuz you cant lie worth a damn, and with keith he was saying how he hoped we could be friends no matter which way this went, because it's not going good, when 2 weeks is the longest we have ever gone without fighting, so obviously there had to be another reason for it. ya know he tells me to be open and honest well i hate not knowing where i fucking stand with someone, he says one thing and then does another, and i know actions speak louder than words but then when i call him on it he always has a reason for doing it and i try to give him the benefit of the doubt because he is always saying how honest he is, but ya know he isnt honest with matt, ya know i can tell there is something going on and he's not telling me and that is ridiculous considering i have to tell him everything, even to why i am smiling if i happen to be in a good mood. i thought we were doing good.

today i am having a seriously skinny day, it feels so nice. i want to work out but i dont have time, i was thinking to myself cuz i read a question that asked, if you could do any job for a yr and the pay didnt matter, (but you had to work)what would you do and now for me it's like i could do anything i wanted cuz the pay doesnt matter and i am young enough and if i took classes over the internet i could move around and still go to school or i could just transfer to community colleges where i am so that way i could meet people, hmmm i was thinking the other day i should be a flight attendant. but i think i would need to see if i like flying first. but i could just work my way around the country while i go to college. that would be cool. and i could keep a sketch journal. that would be sweet. well anyway i have to clean so i can play more sims.

i am so sad! i accidentally stayed up until 4 in the morning playing the sims! i say accidentally because i thought it was only 2 cuz i had the light on in my apartment and i cant see my clock when the light is on. plus i was still wide awake! i had trouble falling asleep. that sucks cuz now i have to reset my internal clock. not only did i do that but i then had a dream about playing the sims (hangs her head down in shame)of course it was after the dirty dream about keith and a shower head but still. i feel so awful i havent actually been to the gym in a week at least! i am such a slack ass. i think the main reason i feel so bad is how much i pigged out over the weekend. well anyway, i have to go and get the sims out of my system before this weekend or i am going to be thinking about playing the whole time, and that aint right. oh me and keith actually talked on the im for awhile last night and had stuff to say. i spent most of it laughing so i think it was a good time, i dont know if he did considering the reason i was laughing was cuz kenny said he spent the weekend in keith's bed and keith said he was gonna go get his gun. lol. i actually talked to kenny last night, we had a good convo too. i am trying to get him to give me the disks to redo my computer but he wont so i dont know what the hell is up with that but my computer is fixed for now so i dont really care at the moment. i spent all last night working on it, went and got stuff from best buy and then ended up having to buy another antivirus anyway, this one found 2 viruses that neither of my other ones found. actually 3 other ones didnt find. i swear even with the updates. one of them was norton but i think i got a messed up copy of that anyway, well gotta go play my sims

just made myself some yummy breakfast. normally the only oatmeal i like is my gram's and that's cuz it's practically nothing but sugar and butter. but today i made some with blueberries and toasted almonds. i was surprised to find that the blueberries tasted like grapes a little. next time i am not going to use nutmeg just some cinnamon. (i am extremely picky about which herbs and spices i use.) i think i might make my chili in a bit after i do the dishes so i can have a lower points meal for lunch and then make that salmon for dinner. i woke up at 5 oclock this morning cuz i had to go to the bathroom but i couldnt get back to sleep cuz i couldnt find a comfortable spot for my neck to lay in well then i woke up with a splitting headache at like 830, i hope it goes away soon because i seriously have to get to the gym. although i would prefer to go back to bed or at the very least lay around and read!!

had a good weekend, no fighting, all though keith did get a bit crabby cuz i said i didnt care when he asked if i wanted boneless, skinless chicken or regular. i got his pic up to the store to get it put in the frame and they had to take a couple of days to do it so i wont get to see his reaction to it and so now i am kinda pissed about that. i put alot of effort into it even though it did take me awhile to finish it that was only cuz it wasnt turning out as good as i wanted it to and that frustrated me. so now i dont even get to see his reaction to it and that sucks. but anyway, i have a ton of shit to do today, i need to clean and get groceries, and i really need to work out. my sunburn finally doesnt hurt anymore, but it is itching like crazy! i would much rather have it itching though. keith's son was over this weekend so i hung out with him while keith was busy with nikki, he is always such a good kid around me, he reminds me of my little brother, he just gets mixed up with the wrong kids at school. he's really polite though, and he holds open the door and we had a good time watching beavis and butthead,

i knew i didnt go out in the sun for a reason!!! i was in bed all day yesterday and if this tylenol doesnt kick in soon that is exactly where i am going to head back to. what's the average time that a sunburn is painful? it is looking kinda pale now but it was bright red, noxzema doesnt help much but i have found that my moisturizing lotion is kinda decent and way less messy than noxzema. i am supposed to go up to keith's today but i dont think i could stand riding the el, then walking 6 blocks and then riding the train for an hour and 40 minutes and i dont think he really wants to come and get me so i dont know if i will be heading up there or not yet. i want to but i can understand why he wouldnt want to come get me. plus i wouldnt really be much fun, he's have to listen to me moan and groan everytime i move.

mmm crispy!! lol. i am gonna hurt tomorrow. well anyway, i just weighed myself and i am down to 137 lbs. now i thought when i got down to this weight i would look a hell of alot different. well i do look different from 50 lbs ago, but i mean i thought i would look different than i do now, i feel that i still have about 20 lbs to go. but i probably just need to gain muscle. well anyway, didnt meet anyone at the beach, well there was this old guy that talked to me but anyway. it was a good time though, i got a book and i layed out and read it. got my first tan lines in 5 yrs. i am 3 lbs from my goal weight but i feel fatter than i did 10 lbs ago. maybe that is from laying next to about a dozen perfect bodies all day. oh well, that's what the gym is for....right?

that's it i'm moving!!! the bastards next door have a pool on the roof and i am thoroughly jealous! cuz then i could take my stuff and go and sit there and then when i got hot jump in the pool and not have to worry about someone stealing my crap, which would happen if i did that at the lake! plus the lake is polluted! but oh well right now i am not too picky. maybe i can meet someone to hang out with at the lake, well besides anna she has to work (she sold me my sunglasses) she's hot. well i have to go because i need to play at the beach!

would anyone know how to get all my stuff on the sidebar to go from the bottom of the page to the top? i have no idea how it got down there but it annoys me. i seriously cant wait til blogging for dummies comes out! lol, if anyone needs it its me. lol

well last night i got into a very lonesome mood. and i stayed up talking to keith and to this other guy i talk to once in awhile but dont know who he is, he said he sent me a pic but i dont remember, so anyway, then when i laid down to go to sleep i started crying cuz i missed my mom and then i started thinking about the day after she died and how that was the first time i cried since after i found out and cried, so that made me sad and it made me miss kyle cuz it was with him and he was the only one i ever really opened up to about that stuff if you can even call that opening up cuz i could probably count the times i "opened up" to him on one hand. but anyway. so then i had 2 crappy nightmares, and woke up and i am still in a pissy mood, but there's a chance for improvement. i am sitting here eating my chili. and i am going to work on my art assignment later and i am thinking about spending the day at the beach, by myself, i know weird considering yesterday i was so lonely, and i am still feeling lonely today, but at least if i am at the beach then it's by choice and i am not sitting in my apartment.