this is the pic that i just finished. i will probably do a few more touch ups before the weekend  

i am finally DONE!!! with keith's pic that is. however as always i am not happy with it. as soon as i sprayed it, i started noticing all the things wrong with it. however i am not going to mention those things to anyone because no one but me will notice unless i point them out. and my lips are sealed. i cant wait to get it in the frame because i know once it's in there i will like it much more than i do now.

damn i was up at 8:18 this morning, my wonderful new friend the sun woke me up. but i need to get up earlier anyway and i actually wasnt tired when i woke up and didnt want to just roll over and go back to sleep so i am kinda happy about,which goes to prove my point that i need one of those alarm clocks that is a light and it slowly gets brighter, like the sun. that way it wakes you up more gently than a blaring alarm and it's more natural, and it's just plain better. now i just need to find one. and i just need to use this time wisely and clean! or not. whatever. lol.

well i didnt work out, went to the gym to switch my work out clothes but i was too beat to acctually do anything, i feel like i rollerbladed all over the city! some people are just retard and need to be put out of my misery. lol. just kidding, but seriously if you see a crazy chick on rollerblades coming at you wouldnt you move? instead of getting even more in her way? i dont know maybe it's just me. ya know what food i hate that they put in 80% of lean cuisine meals? red peppers. they are nasty. but that's ok cuz i will just get the other 20% that doesnt have them. i found a great whole foods store that has a salad bar with boiled eggs so i am going to be stopping there from time to time. nothing else really going on, i need a nap. i got the bill clinton book on cd for when i run, i listened to about 5 minutes so far, me and him have somethings in common it was kinda weird. well anyway i have a ton of reading to do (cleaning and working out can wait til tomorrow or if i feel like it, later)

i feel very restless. but too tired to do anything! i need to rollerblade down to the beach and pick up my sunglasses, i also need to work out, and clean. time to take some xanadrine or however you spell it, i do want to get down to the lake today though. i want those sunglasses. ok so here's the game plan, jump in the shower take some pills, rollerblade to the beach then to the gym and then home to finish my work out and then clean. wow. that's gonna be tough to do. but i can do it. it's gonna be ok. here i go, cheer me on.

seriously lean cuisine not only has saved my diet but my bank account, but i also got enough stuff to make chili so i can mix it up. got enough soda and water to last me 2 weeks so the next time i go grocery shopping it shouldnt be too bad either, just a refill on the lean cuisines and some more celery and onions for the chili. not a bad deal at all. i go through phases where i read a certain type of book for awhile or become slightly obsessed with a certain subject. the longest running of these is sex, the shortest: to stop procrastinating, i got 1 book and it is still sitting on my shelf. well a few weeks ago if you will remember it was for lack of a better term girl power, how to be a powerful, independent woman. dont know if i am any more powerful or independent. highly doubt it. actually i think i might be slightly less, once it was how to tell if someone was lying (that was thanks to kyle) i can tell a little easier if someone is lying now, then for a short bit it was organization, there was sign language, well anyway you get the point, now it's body language, which part can be a throw back to the lying thing, but mainly because i was reading superflirt and it talks about how to read other peoples body language to see if they are attracted to you. well now i am curious as to what other ways i can use this to read people. the super power i always wanted was to be able to read peoples minds. and also because i feel i can be too naive about other people. so i figure maybe this will help. dont know if it will or not. it's all kinda like you can do one thing great or a bunch of things mediocre, well i have yet to find that one thing that i want to do really great so in the mean time i am going to do things mediocre until i have the interest to do one of the things great.

this is another quiz i took, dont remember the website but it's what do you wash first in the shower:

You have selected hair.

You are an artistic type. Daydreaming is your hobby, but you can achieve what most other people cannot. You are lacking in dedication, but you will work tirelessly towards goals which are to your liking. Money is not important. Friends are but only intellectuals and fellow artistic types. You make the best sex partner as you are most willing to explore and please the other partner. Talent is your main strength. Your best partner in life will be those who chose Chest and Privates.

oh i didnt mean to imply that i wasnt happy with my sex life with keith a couple of days ago, i was just saying it's frustrating to not know what to do to him, and i was saying that he shouldnt want me not to try cuz he doesnt want to have to jump through hoops for me when i am perfectly happy with what he does now and it wont take much more to impress me so he really wont have to jump through hoops and it's not like i want him to go crazy with it all the time, just mix it up once in awhile, and since we only see eachother on the weekends he will even have more time in between but i wasnt even wanting him to go out of his way yet cuz i like it the way it is, but i want to know what to do for him cuz he knows so many things to do to me (he reminded me of a few more this weekend :-D) so anyway. so the whole point of that post was that i have no idea what he likes and i feel bad, like i am not doing my part.

me and keith were fighting again on friday and saturday, but he came over saturday night and we made up, before he came over i went to the animal shelter and just played with the dogs and cats for awhile, it put me in a better mood. but yeah me and keith had some really great make up sex, it was awesome, i had 3 orgasms (which normally is fine, especially since keith has given me up to 7 a couple of times, but all 3 of these were equal quality [i am a quality over quantity girl]) so i was about to die and go to heaven and he did all the work, there was definitely spontaneous laughter after all that, which made him think i was crazy but oh well. i feel really bad for him though cuz he is soooo much better at sex than i am and it seems like i barely ever do anything. oh i am not saying 3 orgasms is something to knock either, but before keith i hated multiple orgasms, i was always like why dont you try giving me one good one and then we'll work on the others, but with keith i barely bother to keep count. i'm just like do with me what you will. well anyway enough bragging, we had a pretty good weekend, very relaxed and mellow, my fave kind. i really dont remember much after the sex on saturday, but then again who would. i know we did something though. well i know before sex we went to portillos, well anyway, today went rollerblading down by the lake, it was alot of fun, i am beat though, and then we came back and watched a couple of movies (along came polly, and bad santa) and then we had sex again, (another 3 if you were wondering! i'm sorry but can you blame me for bragging about it?!) then we returned the movies and he left. i was pretty sad when he left but i will see him again in 5 days, maybe. he might go fourwheeling.

nothing like being shot down first thing in the afternoon to crush you ego. really what's wrong with that guy?! it's like why do i even bother. not only was he not phased by me calling him and saying dirty things on the phone, but he actually would have rather gotten back to work. i mean ok so i was a little nervous so my voice wasnt at it's optimal sexiness, but it was getting there, i've just never really talked dirty to him and since he never tells me what he likes i was just going with what i was thinking about. well i guess that didnt work, maybe next time i ask him what he likes he will tell me. probably not though. it's so frustrating to want to be able to please someone in bed and they wont tell you what they like. throw me a frickin bone!! especially when i am asking for it. whatever you want just let me know. well he did tell me one thing but the only reason he wants to do it is because it's one of the few things i wont do. i even gave him a book and and told him what pages to look at and pick anything out of there that he would want me to do. and that was too much work for him. it was the chapter on head too, i mean you would think a guy would jump at the chance for that. ya know he said part of the reason he doesnt want me doing stuff for him is because he would have to do stuff back (nice huh) it was one of those joking but not really comments, well ya know i like knew stuff done to me too, but there's two, well now three things that he can do, that he already does very well (wait i just remembered another one) that basically turn me into his sex slave, really i dont ask for much, i mean once in awhile blindfold me or whatever, throw something knew in there, i am not hard to please, it's just guys seem to be too damn lazy to do even the simplest things, and not only am i easy to please but if he wants to know i will tell him exactly when, how, where, and what, to do. hell i will write up a damn manual if he wants a quick reference! i dont know i am just like dude you could get almost anything you ask for and you arent asking for anything?! what's with that. i mean it's like getting three wishes from a genie and not taking them.

Your Erogenous Zone Is Your Ear

This doesn't mean you like a tongue shoved down your ear

But you're always into a bit of naughty nibbling and sucking

And some light blowing can do the trick for you as well

Not to mention a few well placed naughty whispers!



What's Your Secret Erogenous Zone?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

this is my horoscope from http://www.blogthings.com/virgo-love.html
it's pretty close, and i looked at keith's and it's damn close too, it's hard for me to argue w/o emotions, unless i have had time to step back and collect my thoughts, and i think i am pretty romantic unfortunately, and i wouldnt dump a guy for a messy desk (right keith, lol) no one is messier than i am, although i like my place clean, i just have other priorities, but i definitly have a list of traits from my childhood that i am looking for, lol. that's embarassing, and i definitly do whatever it takes to make a relationship work, which isnt always a good thing, the bit about being obsessed w/ cleanliness isnt exactly right either, i mean i dont like having sex if i havent had a shower, but i'll do it.

Virgo - Your Love Profile Your positive traits: You're incredibly thoughtful and able to give your partner what they need most. You are totally logical. You can deal with problems without involving your emotions. A good work ethic. You'll do whatever it takes (within reason) to make your relationship work. Your negative traits: Sometimes you are so focused on your goals that you let your relationships suffer You tend to be a perfectionist - and expect perfection from your mate as well You are picky. So picky that you rather be single than with someone who has a few minor faults. Your ideal partner: Values success in life as much as you do Fits a checklist of qualities you've been looking for since childhood Like you, is more practical and realistic than romantic Your dating style: Active. You're a bit hyper, so you'd prefer a date that involved rollerblading in the park or hiking. Your seduction style: You may seem a bit shy, but once you open up to someone - you're totally uninhibited You like to set the scene first - candles, music, nice sheets A bit obsessed with cleanliness, you may want to shower first with your love Tips for the future: Soften up a little. Vulnerability is sexy - and feels great over time. Lower your standards a little. Look past a messy desk or someone being five minutes late. Praise your partner more. You make expect them to be successful, but complements are still appreciated. Best place to meet someone online: eHarmony - the best place to find other busy singles looking for a serious relationship Best color to attract mate: Navy blue Best day for a date: Wednesday Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

got all my workouts done, pretty proud of myself, i only did the first session of the sfactor, but considering i did it three days in a row, i dont want to get sick of it. there's a potential fight brewing between me and keith, he of course thinks it's my fault, when there is no way. not this time. it's all him. hopefully he is not going to be too stubborn to realize it, what's the chance of that happening? well i am going to read my book and then watch a movie.

i feel so skinny today, probably from actually exercising, i finally got my launchcast radio to work. so i am excited about that. today i am lifting weights and doing 20 minutes of cardio and then doing the sfactor work out. i am starting to get the hang of it, buti am not that flexible. (yet) the painters moved all my stuff into my living area from my kitchen and didnt put any of it back. i watched assination tango last night, that movie sucked, but they had some good dance scenes and when the credits are rolling they show a full dance and that is the kind of tango that i go to, or well went to. but kenny and i are going to start going. monday is our first day. i am glad i got someone to go with now, i didnt mind going by myself but since i havent been back in so long i am going to feel akward, but anyway. seriously lean cuisine and the weight watchers frozen dinners have saved my diet this week, i definitly need to make chili today though, just for something different. well anyway i got some working out to do

man i went to blockbuster and bought like 6 movies, that's no good. i have a new respect for frozen entrees, well the "healthy" ones, i have always like hungry man, used to pig out on those all the time, but lean cuisine has this turkey one out with spiced apples and some kind of dressing, YUM, well anyway, i got overheated when i went to do pilates so i just came back home and fell into bed until the painters arrived, at 9 in the morning and they still aren't finished, i even took a nap while they were here. they keep leaving and coming back. so anyway, did my s factor work out last night you can check it out at http://www.sfactor.com/index.asp. i think i like it. i am going to try it again today, it's alot like pilates, i am going to actually go to the water exercise class this time, more than once that is, because i seriously need to work on my hips and thighs, my abs are already differnt from pilates and eating better so if i am doing pilates and that then i am going to look way awesome when i am done this time, although i knew that last time and it didnt help, this time it will. then lift weights and do my s factor work outs on tuesday and thursday, and then do some cardio on friday, i will probably do 20 minutes of cardio when i lift weights too just to get it in there, and maybe 20 on the days i do pilates too, work a little in at a time, that sounds like a plan. i will start tomorrow, well i am going to do the s factor work out tonight so i will still be working out, i just dont want to go back to the Y, keith is in a bad mood again this week, i dont know what to say to cheer him up

oh forgot to mention kenny is an ass, and he is taking my realestate idea and not giving me credit for it, and not even offering to cut me in, that is fucking rude, the thought would never have entered his head if it wasnt for me, he is always taking everyone elses ideas, and then saying that he doesnt run with the crowd, what an ass, so anyway, i am mad at him. and marisa is having some problems right now, and i am just way too emotional right now, now i feel like i am going to start crying again, i swear i have never cried so much over a guy in such a short period of time, hell i have never cried so much over anything. i hate it. seriously this is not who i am i dont cry, i am not this emotional, dramatic, crazy person, i feel like i am in a whirlwind and i am getting tossed around.




Horoscopes

Virgo

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
Accept responsibility for your actions. Gladly take on that burden. Hiding would postpone the inevitable without canceling it. Instead of going that route, willingly take on what comes next.

mushy girl moment

last night i had one of those goofy "I'm a silly girl" moments. poor keith had to sit on the phone with me for an hour while i cried and got all mushy. i dont really feel the need to talk about it any more, even though last night i had to fight the urge to come on here and get it all out, but by that time i was tired and not making any sense. but i need to get it all out so here i go: sometimes it seems like i love keith more than he loves me, which i could have been able to deal with but he chased me, and now i am a little bitter about it, if he wouldnt have pushed the issue of us going out then i could have had my little crush and kept it under control, now there's not a chance in hell. and we both want different things in life so in the long run it's not going to work out, unless one of us changes our mind there's no way, and i am not going to change my mind, i want a family, i dont want 10 kids but i would like at least one and i do want a husband, not saying that it has to be keith, but considering he doesnt want any of that, well what the hell are we doing, it's just going to hurt more the longer we go and i am going to try and fool myself into thinking that he will change his mind and when he doesnt i will be crushed, it just really pisses me off cuz i was perfectly happy just being friends with him, and now i am the one that's going to get screwed in the end, i am starting to think that i am better by myself anyway, i am happier when i am alone, i dont have to worry about being good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, feminine enough, or whatever ya know, i like who i am, and i dont even know if i want to raise a kid with someone else, i would need to have control in that, and i think part of that is because my mom raised us alone so i only have that as an example. i wouldnt know how to do it with someone else there. but anyway, before we were together i was always thinking, man if the sex is good this would be perfect, but all i had to judge the sex on was on our first date, and it was good (the best orgasm i had had in a llloooonnnngggg time) however it is nothing compared to what it is now, and i think that is partly because we were friends and got to know eachother more and now i love him, but i am worried that maybe i am confusing sex for love, even though i did say that before hand, it's like well what if now it's just how good the orgasm feels, but would it really feel that good if i didnt love him? it didnt feel this good the first time we had sex, but then again i guess it would feel this good anyway, since he just hits all the right spots i guess that doesnt really have anything to do with anything else except how our bodies fit together, and i am sure there are plenty of other guys who know how to do all the other stuff too, i love him, that i am not doubting, but it's like i do find myself thinking that maybe he just cant handle a relationship right now, and i dont think he really wants one with me, or at least he wont let himself have one period, but ya know he was the one who said lets see where it goes, i could have done the same damn thing and not let myself get attached to him, but he was all lets see where it goes, your not going to push me away are you, and here that's what he is doing, that's not fair, i opened up to him cuz i thought we were going to do it together, and here i am standing out in the freaking cold, i dont know it feels like he just doesnt want it with me, that's how i feel about why he isnt affectionate, i mean before him i didnt want to be affectionate with anybody, i mean i liked holding hands but that was the extent, and keith says that that's just the way he is (he doesnt show any affection at all, no holding hands, or pet names, sometimes i feel like he doesnt even want me standing next to him, and we rarely ever kiss), well that's the way i was but with him, i want to cuddle next to him and all that stuff, but maybe that's just the sex again, i dont know i just dont think he is in love with me, and i know the whole cliche about if you love something let it go, blah blah blah, but ya know what i am a little too selfish for that, cuz i know he aint coming back, and i know that should be even more reason to let him go, but i am not ready yet, no matter how it happens, or when it happens i am going to get my heartbroken, i could start to pull back and stop letting myself feel like this but he wont like it, if i stop complementing him, and touching him, and all that, he wont like it one bit, but that's what he's doing to me so he doesnt get hurt, but also it's like i dont want to ruin what i feel for him, i dont think it would be right to just kill it and brush it aside like it doesnt matter, take it for granted and act like oh well i will get it again, but really what do i have now... a lopsided feeling for someone who is just thinking of me for right now, and fighting, great sex, confused mixed up emotions that are driving me crazy, i think all this fighting is from all of this, ya know most of the fighting is from me feeling insecure and neglected, i feel insecure because i know it's not a level playing feild, and i feel neglected because he is not putting any effort into it because he doesnt want to waste his time with someone who isnt going to last. uuuggghh this sucks.

damn! from my little "holiday" from my diet i gained 2 lbs, that sucks, i know i have been saying this alot lately but i really need to step it up, i am just hoping that one of these times i say it it will actually sink in. i had an interesting weekend, went to marisa's and hung out and it was alot of fun, just sitting around the fire, chilling w/ rays family, it kinda reminded me of when i was younger and we would go to this clubhouse with my mom's fiance's family and hang out all night, ray's girls were really sweet, and i didnt feel akward around them for that long cuz marisa was there and because they were pretty open and not very shy at all, we went to naperdays in naperville and had some awesome food, and we just chilled for awhile, met another friend of marisa's, i dont know if the woman was just shy or maybe she was having a bad/weird day or something from being pregnant, or if she didnt like me but she seemed kinda closed off to me. but i know that i come across like that too sometimes even though i try hard not to be like that, but i dont know, well anyway, the next day i got up and we had these awesome things with pork and quacamole and sourcream for breakfast, the pork was delicious, i am not really into pig all that much but when you have pork that is like when it's a roast, that i love, well anyway now i am getting hungry, then i went home and me and keith tried to take nikki to the zoo, no such luck, all the parking was taken, so then we went to eat at where else, portillos, then we went and played at a park and went up to wisconsin and played at this kickass park, it was huge and had so much stuff, but anyway by the time we went to bed i was beat! i played with nikki most of the night and then went and got her icecream, and then we went to bed. then we went to the park again on sunday after keith and nikki got back from his father's day breakfast with his in-laws and son. when we got back to my house we tried watching scarface, but we didnt make it all the way through, and my frustrations were finally relieved very nicely before the movie. i was a happy camper.

i need to start getting ready to go to marisa's. i am tired though, i need a nap. i also need some food. and to pack, and a bunch of other things. i watched a movie called miranda, it was pretty good. i was surprised i liked it, i was starting to think i wouldnt. well i have shit to do before i leave.

i am so tired, i know i need to do all this crap but i dont have the energy for it. today is just a shitty day, but the fact that i do have a list of shit to do, is stressing me out. not to mention it seems like keith has been avoiding me all week, he says he's not and that i should quit worrying. i guess i am not really that worried any more, but still. plus there's about a thousand things running through my mind. ya know it's so ridiculous, i dont do anything and yet it feels like all the stress in the world is on my shoulders. i probably have too much time to think about stuff. i dont know, i just feel like i am never going to get anywhere. i know that's not true, but i know that it will take me forever to get anywhere and i want it all now. baby steps. i just have to do one thing at a time and slowly cut a path to what i want. but it would help if i knew specifically what it was that i wanted. i need a nap!

i got an email from this realestate guy and it was a link to his foreclosure list. well he had 2 unit apartment buildings for 30000, i could swing that mortgage. especially if i get alot of people wanting to take art lessons. so that's pretty freakiing cool if you ask me. i tried to see how much i could potentially earn if i worked 15 hours a week and it's alot. like 600 bucks a week. so even if i only made half of that i would still have a ton of money. at least for me. i mean i could easily live off of 300 bucks a week. since my rent will be paid for and all. i dont know if i would want an apartment building that was foreclosed on though. i mean why is it being foreclosed on. was it cuz they couldnt find tenants? so anyway. they have houses too. and i might get one of those. that would be sweet. so anyway. i am not really having a good day, i dont want to go and work out but i know i have to. i dont want to clean, but i know i have to. i am in a bad mood. mabye getting one of those houses would put me in a better mood. nah not today, today i need to concentrate on getting those classes started. that is the first step.

ya know i really hate how i can go all day feeling like i look awesome and then in a split second feel fat. that really pisses me off. my plan to stay in bed the rest of the day didnt quite happen. beyond borders was a great movie. if you are a chick. definitly not a dick flick. but then keith imed me and of course i got up to talk to him. he only talked to me for a little bit before he left again and he really didnt say much any way. i have a big day of cleaning tomorrow. yuck.

All dressed up and no one to see

after pilates i was so tired i just wanted to jump back into bed. although i am glad i didnt. i went to neocon with marisa and got a cool bag to replace the one that broke last week and this one didnt cost a dime, took back 66 bucks worth of clothes! and got a 20 buck massage! afterwards me and marisa could not stop smiling. we both agreed that is was like a really good orgasm! i am still relaxed. luckily we didnt see the massage thing until after we had been looking around and got almost everyplace out of the way. we were both a little dazed and confused after the massage and all we wanted to do was eat and go to sleep. well we ate at the food court at the merchandise mart. i wanted bennigans but it was too far to walk, so we had a very crappy lunch, disappointed but not starving any more so thats ok. now all i have left is a nap and i got my three basic needs met for the day. so i am going to crawl into bed with the movie beyond borders and my supersex book and not move for the rest of the day. sounds like a plan.

mortage companies suck ass!! seriously. cant ever get ahold of any body there. that makes me angry. all i want to do is talk to someone. find out some info. well i got my class outline sent to the Y and thanks to marisa it is looking pretty snazzy. I might be able to pull this off! and later i am going to run up to a weigh watchers meeting and see if they have anything good in the eating out guides up here and then i might buy one. i really wish i could get ahold of these damn people!! i want to buy a condo dammit! i could too. i need to go back and return that stuff to but i dont feel like it since marisa didnt come and meet me and she will be there tomorrow so i can just do it then. oh well i guess it's back to the phones for me and then to weight watchers.

well so much for the stock. it sucks. lol. well i am meeting marisa at 2 i think for walking around the merchandise mart. i am also going to have to leave early to return 2 pairs of capris and a shirt, cuz i got 2 skirts and another pair of capris and that is more than enough. at least until i am done losing weight. so i want to save some money (keeping all the shoes though!) and i need to run to the borders to see if they have this weightwatchers book for eating out. hopefully they do so i can find a place to eat with marisa.they should have books by the city ya know. like on weightwatchers in (insert city here)cuz living here and eating is way different than back home. back home you have all the major fast food chains and anyother chain restaurant. where as here they are all spread out and a bitch to get to if you dont have a car. which makes it good but then they dont have the local restaurants that i could eat at. ya know and that sucks. well dont mind me i am hungry and we all know i get cranky when i am hungry. seriously i could never do survivor. i just wouldnt care enough for that 1 million dollars to starve. i'd be like keep the damn money i want some fries!! well anyway. i am going to try to take xanidrine again. i got out of the habit but now i am thinking it will help me with my lack of enthusiasm for cardio. oh i got a video tape for my s factor workout. it's in the mail. i cant wait to get it. plus i have my rollerblades. so i dont have any excuse not to get the cardio in. and i am going to finish my thing for the y and email it to that woman and be all set and then check out some real estate on yahoo

just got back from shopping. ahh.i found the cutes jean skirt, some cute capris, a cool, light weight black skirt and some cute tops plus 3 pairs of shoes, i got some red strappy sandals for 5 bucks, they are so cute and go great with the jean skirt. oh and i am officially a size 8!!! go me. one pair of pants i tried on was too tight but that was canceled out because another pair was too big so on average i am a size 8. damn i am good. that, the jean skirt and the red shoes, so made my day. oh yeah and the possibility of getting a job. lol. oh and the stock started going way down today but the overnight trading has it up to 4.30 so far!!! i am nervous about teaching art. i have never taught before, and i am not all that fond of talking to a group of people, or being in charge for that matter. but i can handle it. i just know that that first night is going to be rough. i am already getting anxious about it and there might not even be a big enough demand for it!! well i better go and write up all the stuff i plan on doing so i can get that in tomorrow. i probably should have done that before i went shopping. oh well.

well i slept from 8:16 last night until 10:30 this morning!!! it was nice. except i missed my swimclass. and i didnt loose anyweight last week even with all the walking, and vigorous sex and cleaning. all though i did lose some inches in my chest, waist, and thighs. always good. i need to get on the ball this week though and do alot more cardio, lift some weights etc.not to mention quit eating so much junk. but anyway. today when i go up to the Y and do some weights i am going to ask about teaching kids art and all that. and i am going shopping!!! i need some summer clothes. i really dont have anything interesting to write. me and keith had a good weekend. no fights. and he won me a heart pillow at dave and busters,well i just went and lifted weights and i asked about teaching beginning art. it looks like i might be able to do it. so that is good. now i just have to come up with what to charge. they will charge me for rent and i will be teaching kids, adults, and seniors, plus it will be for six weeks so i will need to know how much i will need to make in a six week time period. plus i have to figure out the lesson plan and all that jazz. goodness. i wonder where i would get a grade book, not to give grades but i will need to write down their names and check off when they complete an assignment. i wonder if they will let me give 4 week classes instead of six well i guess it doesnt matter. i am off to shop.

i finally got done cleaning friday. i still have a few minor things to do like wipe down stuff in the kitchen, reclean the bathtub and now the sink but other than that i am done. i took my rug out of my living area and now i think the place looks bare, but i couldnt vaccuum cuz the extension cord blew out. but anyway. i had alot of fun this weekend. and no fights. me and keith went out with marisa and ray on friday. it was so much fun but i kept being stupid and bringing up kenny cuz i still havent learned how to think before i speak. we went to dave and busters and played games til about 1 in the morning and then they wanted to go to a club and we got there and well a ton of crap happened and me and keith didnt even go in. but anyway, he was crabby after that and i felt bad. on saturday we went to see a man on fire (awesome by the way) but of course the people who sat next to us talked the whole way through and i could tell keith was getting a bit irritated. we used one of the toys that i bought last week (vibrating panties) they were pretty fun, we had our own little secret and i couldnt help but laugh everytime he turned them on. i think i will definitly get some good use out of those. we walked around alot too, i am so exhausted right now. the weekends always go by too fast. i tried getting keith to go to tango with me but he is being stubborn. that sucks cuz i really wouldnt want to dance with anyone but him. i mean it's a sexy, passionate dance, and i think it would be even better if i was dancing with someone who i thought was sexy and someone who i was passionate about. but oh well. i can understand why he doesnt want to but he should still see if he likes it. i dont think there would be a sexier date than to go tango and then go home and get freaky. lol. well anyway i have a busy week ahead of me this week. well hopefully. i think i am going to call keith and then pass out. maybe i will call marisa too. and chat with her.

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
It's touch-and-go, on-again-off-again, or just a basic salad of mixed messages. The right relationship blossoms in a hospitable climate, but you have to wonder about some of these changes in the weather. Would it help to forget everything that went before? While historical perspective is often useful, it might be clouding the issues here and now. The person that matters most will soon become a key element of your future. And if you're trying to build a house on shifting sand, that will soon be obvious as well. Be open to realistic predictions.



that is my horoscope for the day. it's so weird how sometimes they can be dead on, i guess though that is because they are so generic but still it's still kinda odd. well anyway i got all my dishes done, and i am on the last of my laundry but i dont think i am going to get it folded. and i didnt get any organization done, between talking to marisa and dr abramson i really havent had time. and now i am beat!! my back is killing me, i know i should still exercise and it would probably help my back but all i want to do is go to bed. and get up in the morning and finish all of this. i think i should have it done sometime in the next month. lol. no definitly by tomorrow, it looks like a train wreck but it wont take me long at all. i cant wait cuz then i am going to sit down in my nice clean apartment and go "AAAAHHHHHHHHHH" and then i will look around realize i have nothing to do and get bored. lol. but wait there's books to be read.

aaahhhh. the laundry is started. i am finally semi relaxed. and in a much better mood, i feel a spontanious giggle coming on, or is that the laughter of a mad scientist. oh well. either way it's laughter. hmmm i am toying with a few ideas at the moment. 1 to call a teacher from highschool that also works in realestate and ask him some questions, and 2 when i go to the Y talk to the director of classes and see if i can start teaching kids to draw, like an after school program. to make some cash! i love how motivated i feel after i talk to my dr. he makes me feel like i can do anything. i thought my idea for teaching kids how to draw was kinda out of my reach but he thinks it's a great idea. it still might be out of my reach but at least he makes me want to try. well i have to finish my dishes and call that teacher and tomorrow i think i when i go up to the Y i will talk to that director and try to get something going. i am a maniac!!!

well damn i lost my momentum. i am trying to get it back though. after staying up until 1 arguing, and then about 130 or 2 having anxiety over said arguement, i got up before 7. still so full of anxiety i couldnt get back to sleep, even though it was overcast and rainy and cool and the perfect environment to sleep. so after unsuccessfully willing myself to go back to sleep i finally get up and made breakfast for myself. a very yummy orange flavored french toast with strawberries, it has ginger in it and smells absolutely delicious when it is cooking and it only takes 15 minutesbut i am sure once i have made it enough i can cut it down. then i spent the next 2 hours arguing some more cuz dangit i just didnt get enough last night. then i went to the grocery store to get some stamps to mail my rent and i am going to talk to my dr. at 130 cuz i have been needing to for awhile anyway, and now that i caved and got a.c. there's a wonderful cool breeze flowing through my apartment. figures. well anyway did i ever mention ray and marisa are back together? they are doing pretty good. now i am eating lunch and trying to get motivated to finish organizing. but in order to finish i have to do the 2 things i hate, laundry (which i only hate cuz i dont have my own washer an dryer) and the dishes (which i hate on principle and because i dont have a dishwasher) well i can take the hurt and anger that i feel and take it out on my apartment. a list of stuff i still have to do: unplug tub and reclean, sweep and mop the floors, then vaccum the rugs, more dishes, laundry and rearrange the drawers in the living room and rearrange the 2nd closet and my drawers and shelves for my clothes plus go through my clothes to see which stuff i dont wear any more and i have to dust. not too much. i cant start laundry til after i call my dr. so i think after i am done eating i will get a load of dishes done. see already remotivated. then i can work on my art lesson and maybe get a little closer to finishing it. man i love being on weightwatchers. and later if i get all my stuff done i am going to start a new work out, that i can do here. i am going to try to get to the gym too but we will see,getting my apartment clean is more important right now.

book review: WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES

i really liked this book. it has a great message for all the girls out there that are "too nice" or who bend over backwards for guys. so if you do that or know someone who does it will help. the only thing i didnt like was that she refers a little to the rules and i hate that book. not cuz i ever read it but on principle, you cant "catch" a guy, and she acts like men are stupid, men arent stupid, and someways it does seem a bit manipulative at times. but the message is still a good one. put yourself first and dont jump through hoops. i used to do this and then at the end with kyle i got too nice and let him walk all over me and started acting like his mom YUCK. this book reminds me not to bend over backwards and be the perfect woman. even though i was figuring it out on my own again but this just helped speed that along. i definitly recommend it and i am sure i will flip through again several times.

well damn i had a whole lot written but my door came open and scared the piss out of me and accidentally erased it all. so anyway, as i was saying before being so rudely interupted, i have not had a nap today and i am proud of myself because of everything i got accomplished,which is the following; cleaned the bathtub, sink and toilet, organized the bathroom, built a thing to go over the toilet (ok so i just put it together, you get the point, it was still time consuming) moved all my books from my old book case to the new, bigger bookcase, fixed my curtains, did some dishes, made my chili, went grocery shopping, went to pilates at 630am, went to ace hardware(3 times), got quarters for laundry tomorrow, not to mention tons of little things like hanging the paper towel rack and knife holder that i just cant mention them all, oh and i put my winter coats away, i am just a maniac. now i am tired, but that is because i am hungry cuz i havent eaten anything more substaintial than a piece of bread with peanutbutter and a banana all day. but that's where the chili comes in. i am debating on whether or not i should wait for keith to play with my new toys or if i should start now. hmmmm. i am so impatient. eh it's only 2 more days i guess i can wait. i want to make chocolate chip cookies this weekend, i think i shall. i am also going to try to stay on my diet at least one day, allowing myself to have wings and chocolate chip cookies the other day. but friday i am going to either get food from a place i can eat something or i will just have to make something.

got up and went to pilates today. it was a bit of a struggle. i was so out of it that my alarm scared me. i was like what is that weird noise, and then i was like ok i will just follow the sound until... i... find it, ah the damn alarm. but i went anyway and it was alot of fun. i am surprised at how much i have improved since i started, that is only my 4th class. i am going to take that class again. and i am going to take the waterexercise class. i want to try the martial arts class again but i am scared off right now. i think i will get myself a massage though. actually 6 are pretty cheap and then just once in awhile get a massage when i need it. i really need one right now my trapezious is killing me. but really between those 2 classes and lifting weights i should be fine. i just have to discipline myself more with the aerobic exercise. but i do do alot of walking. so that's good. well anyway. i cant wait til next weeks yoga class. maybe i will take 2 cuz i did like that other teacher, it was just harder cuz she moved along so fast that it was harder for me to concentrate on my breathing. but i still really liked it. but anyway i am off to the hardware store to get some stuff for organizing. fun fun.

made up a pilates class today. i am not sure if i liked that teacher. she went really fast and didnt explain the moves and there was less concentration on breathing and since i am a beginner i need to be reminded when to breath once in awhile and to hold in my stomach and all that. but i think for an advanced teacher she was good. very nice. i went to portillos to eat. i feel bad now. it tasted good but now i feel all tired and heavy. remind me of this the next time i have a craving for portillos. went and found a sex shop today. got alot of goodies. now i am going to clean and start to get organized cuz tomorrow i am going to go and buy more shelves and stuff. so i need to get my place clean.

today is just not my day for buying sex toys. went to find a sex shop but it was moved. and i didnt find another one, plus i rode the bus too far, and walked back and took the wrong street, yadda yadda yadda, that is usually what happens when i try to find something the first time. so then i come home and www.goodvibes.com is closed for maintance and adam and eve need my verification number which has been rubbed off the back of my card. so i need to get a new card which will take 2 weeks!!! so no toys for me. but i got new books and tomorrow i have a make up pilates class. so tomorrow should be a good day.

well my weekend was ok. i was "moody" all weekend. but sunday was pretty fun, except the fightbut we spent most of the day at the park with keith's daughter. it made me think of the park my mom used to take us to when we were little and this one memory i have of when she was pushing me on the swings and she would give me an underdoggy. that was a good day. so anyway. the fight was about me feeling neglected and i feel kinda proud of myself cuz when i started yellng keith said stop yelling at me so i went in his room until i cooled off and while i was cooling of i thought of exactly what i wanted to say and then went out and said it. well i will stop patting my own back now. i know not much of a feat for a normal adult, but since when have i ever been normal. oh and apparently matt called the phone that keith lets me use and apparently it's in the recieved calls list so it looks like i answered it. but i have no idea about the call at all. but since the evidence is right there and i cant say 1 thing to prove it otherwise it sucks. cuz i know it would be in the back of my head. and i wouldnt believe him if he couldnt prove it. but he wont ask matt about it cuz he said matt will just lie. hell i want to ask matt about it cuz it's driving me crazy. and i want to know why keith is checking my call list. ya know i dont need very many things in a relationship. usually i just want to feel like i am important and cared about and that i am not being neglected. we have all seen how i get when that happens. but really besides that's just one of the basics like honesty etc. no one wants to feel neglected. why do you think in so many fairytales the girl is a princess. princess are important, no one neglects them they always get attention. i dont need attention all the time but i do need it alot. but after we talked about it, i went over and kissed him which i hope made him happy, i do try. but then we ate and watched the sopranos. and came back here. we had a pretty nice time i think. oh and i forgot to mention awhile back he told me that he likes being naked with me. i think that's a pretty cool compliment. ya know to have someone be comfortable and like being naked with someone. i was like sweet, pretty soon i can take over the world. then every one will be naked. and i will call this place...nakyland. lol just kidding...maybe. so anyway. i am having some problems with kenny, he is saying how marisa said i led him on and she actually said the exact opposite and he is being petty cuz i let her read my blog and i wont let him. and i let keith and i wont let him. whatever. so he keeps "threatening" to have his brother check it. whatever. go ahead. i tell him snoopers get what they are snooping for. i am kinda wishing i never told anyone about this damn thing. i mean i am glad i told marisa cuz she is on here now. and i am not sorry that i told keith cuz i dont care if he reads it, it just sucks that i cant vent and get it all out w/o him getting hurt because he reads it. but i dont want the whole world (that is people i actually know, which is actually just a handle full) reading it. well anyway i have stuff to do and today i take my measurements and weigh myself. last night one of the dreams i had i couldnt type. like i couldnt keep my hands on the homekeys so everything i typed it was all just jumbled. and i had to back space and start all over. isnt that weird.(in a goldmemember impersontation)

Book Review: KISS MY TIARA

all in all this is a good book although i do have some pet pieves about it. first of all it seems to say girls rule and boys drool. i mean cant we pull women up w/o dragging men down. or at least the average guy down. now dragging down the old white guy that runs enron and other companies fine. i get that. and sure men and woman could both get along without each other but where's the fun in that. second there's some bad typing.imnot someone who should be bothered by bad spelling or typing however, i do not have an editor, or months to type a blog, and i dont ask money to read my blog, it's free. but when someone has an editor, months to write a book and is asking me to buy it it would be nice if i didnt have to decipher what she meant when there is a that where a than should be and vice versa. but anyway that's just me being anal. the book is very funny, and has some great ideas. and you gotta love the quotes from her grandma. i think over all the message is a good one and we all need to listen to it. but lets not get carried away with the man hating. at some point we have to stop blaming every one else for our problems and get off our asses and show them they are wrong. which the book pretty much says. and it gives advice on how to do it. i was expecting something more along the lines of wildly sophisticated than a feminist book but i am still glad i picked it up. i am definitly going to keep it around for salary negotiation strategies and the using religion our way section. definitly recommend it. oh another pet pieve- she is always say goddess knows or thank goddess instead of god knows or thank god or whatever. that gets annoying. is it really that big of a deal. i mean to me that is like people who say policewoman instead of policeman. it's just a title for a job. get over it. it doesnt matter what you are called it's the same thing. or saying waste management instead of trashman. it doesnt make the job any prettier. ok i get police officer that's fine. or like when they change words that have "man" in them to "woman" that is just silly. come on pick your battles a little better. it's like kenny's cousin. we were having a discussion about someone calling someone a name and i said it's just a word and he said well the constitution's just a bunch of words. well we as people give words meaning and emotional value. a word is just a word until link emotional value on it and we are the ones with the control to do that. i mean freedom to some is a given, something to take for granted but freedom for someone who is unjustly prosecuted means a will to live, hope, etc.we choose to make words mean more than what they should. but it's like i dont think that adding a "wo" to words is really a practicle way to fight for womens rights. let's use our energy a little better than that.

last night my stupid upstairs neighbor was walking around in her damn highheels again, until 230 in the morning!!! that is when i went to the front desk, well she said she was up but she was just watching a movie, the lying bitch. then it calmed down a bit but then got even louder, then i called down and he said he would go up there and see if he heard anything, well of course they got quiet and then after about 10 minutes it was back to stomping around on a wood floor with heels on and dropping heavy ass shit on the floor and moving furniture and all that crap. what the hell is wrong with people. it was well after 3 before i feel back asleep. and keith was supposed to call me at 730 when he got up to wake me up for waterexercise but he didnt and i didnt wake up til marisa called at 930
so now i am debating on whether or not i should go work out or clean. i should clean, and i am really sore. ooohh today is friday, that means tomorrow is saturday. yea! i dont know if marisa is coming tonight still or not. i would like her to cuz 1 i want to hang out with her, 2 she has my book, (lol) but i dont want her to cuz 1 i just never feel like going out or hanging out before i go out. 2 i can stay on my diet and that's the only 2 reasons i wouldnt mind if she doesnt feel like coming. i am lame. no matter who it is though, well except keith although when we were just friends it was like this. but i get so anti social and lazy that i just want to hide in my cave. and i dont really care that much about my diet. well i shouldnt say i dont want her to come over. cuz that's not true. and i dont know if i will get to hang out with her next weekend so that sucks. so bottom line is i hope she comes over but i will understand if she isnt up to it. i would understand even if i was dead set on going out with her tonight and would cry in disappointment is she didnt come. cuz she is sick with her allergy. well i also shouldnt say i dont care about my diet cuz i do. but i am not going to not hang out with someone cuz i dont want to mess up my diet since i barely ever get to see her. right now basically i am just being tired from not enough sleep and lazy. i think i am going to need to go back to bed very soon.

this is me, and no i am not a crab ass i am usually smiling in real life and mostly for no reason at all, and i have been accused of being a spontaneous giggler, not that you could tell from my nasty posts but that is why i can be a spontaneous giggler in real life 

aaaaahhhhh the power of chocolate!

i just had the most amazing snickers i have ever tasted in my life and i feel great! i blame it on the book that i am reading. but then again since when do i need an excuse to eat something. i was craving chocolate all last week because of being sick and pms but i didnt give in. but today i caved. and i couldnt be happier. that is the first time i have eaten chocolate and felt better afterwards. i swear every day i turn more and more into a "woman". first it was shoe shopping and now i think i finally have to admit to loving chocolate like a fiend. ok well enough about candy bars. marisa started a blog and i will put a link up to it soon. i was thinking of seeing if keith wants me to put him on my blog so he can type stuff too and not have to use the comment box. i am going to a waterexercise class in the morning if i can walk. keith said he would call me later and yet still no call. i hope he finds a car. i am getting the urge to buy a house. this is not good. i want a house so i can paint and have a huge hottub bathtub kinda thing and do home improvement projects. i think it's from watching keith work on the apartments (by the way that is just another one of the sexy things that keith does, grrrrrr) and listening to marisa talk about her apartment which she gets to paint. so jealous. well back to reading my book. ya know i like the life of leisure. it suits me. now if i can just convince keith to get rich and be my sugar daddy.......

well my day has improved slightly. keith said he is mad cuz there are problems with his ex. and it's not me. oh and good news, i got some pants awhile back and i couldnt button them up and now they fit fine. they are a little tighter than what i am used to so they are a bit uncomfortable, but i am used to my pants practically falling off. and i checked out the scale this morning and i am almost down to the 130's but we will see if that stays the same by monday. i went and did upper body weights today. now i am tired. had lunch with kenny, it was pretty fun, trying to get transcripts and registered for classes buti dont know this school seems shady and i dont exactly want to go but i need to go. so maybe i will just take 2 classes and get them out of the way and then take a couple more in the fall and then switch to a four yr or something. or maybe not who knows. well i am sore and tired so i am going to lay down and read.

nothing really going on yet as it's still early in the morning. i am going to lunch with kenny. keith and i talked last night and i am going up there sometime saturday. i want to but i dont know how it's going to go. i have been miserable all week and we are still barely talking. he doesnt say anything. i feel like i am being crucified cuz i got mad and yelled. who besides gandi hasnt gotten mad and yelled. i have never asked him to bend over backwards when i was mad at him and it seems like that is what i have to do. it all just seems hopeless right now. i mean when i was mad at him he acted like it was all ok cuz he said sorry, and that that is all i should expect from him. well i said sorry too. and then some and i am still right were i started. it's like i have to make up for everytime he has had to make shit better with someone. and that's crap. ya know i hate how it has to be one persons fault, two peopel were there. i did shit that i aint proud of and he did shit that was wrong too. i dont understand how he can get off the hook with an i'm sorry and i have to change who i am. not that i dont think i could learn to communicate better. if i didnt i wouldnt try doing that. but i dont know. and i emailed him last night and he didnt even mention it. i just feel really detached from him right now and that makes me sad. i feel like i am a little kid who has to sit in the corner cuz i cant play nice with the other kids.

so anyway i actually got up for my pilates class! after only about 2 hours of sleep. i am so proud of myself right now i cant get over it. i had a private class cuz no one else showed up. when has that ever happened? i am always the one not to show up. so i got special attention which made me happy cuz that way i wont develope any bad habits. or well hopefully i wont. anyway i talked to keith last night. i had to call him twice. by midnight i couldnt take it anymore. and he was still upset cuz i said i didnt know if i wanted to be with him. well i am scared that i want to be with him and i am not going to know when to give it up if that time comes and then i am going to hold onto something bad until he dumps me. i didnt mean to make him worry about it but that was the way i was feeling. i know i want to be with him, that's the problem, because from history i know that i let my feelings rule better judgement. and i do think love can conquer all but it has to be team work on bothsides and well i can't get it through my thick head when the other person isnt trying. so i am scared that i wont see it. but then again kyle would cry and beg me not to leave and say he would try harder when in fact he wanted out. but even though i know it was my first relationship and he was dishonest i still blame myself for sticking it out. even though sticking it out should be a good thing i just need someone willing to stick it out with me and well when keith left and when he says things like he can't handle being with someone and fighting all the time it throws up red flags that he isnt going to be around when things get rough. i know everyone needs there space sometime and they need to be alone but right now i cant tell the difference from him wanting to be alone to leaving me stranded. if he just wanted to take a walk around the block to clear his head i can handle that but to go all the way back to wisconsin when we had all afternoon and evening left. so anyway. well i will write more later i am sure but i need to crawl back into bed.

WHAT MEN WON'T TELL YOU BUT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW

over all it was a good book. it's not really funny or a fast read but it's short and direct and brutally honest. the guy is diplomatic but doesnt sugar coat he just tells it like it is. i knew some of the info already but it's a good reminder, and i learned a few more things too. i think i will definitly at least browse through it again but probably reread the entire thing eventually. but now i just have to practice what i learned. that's the hard part.

i just wanted to add that it's not fair to say that keith doesnt have balls or that he needs to get them back. he has plenty. i am just frustrated at the way she walks all over him and he lets her. i cant stand it when someone i care about is being mistreated. but anyway i was going to wait til tomorrow to add that but i am up now cuz i cant sleep cuz i am pissed at him. he has not called since we argued this morning and i know he is out drinking now and i called him before i went to bed cuz i wanted to talk to him but he didnt answer and he would be so pissed if it was the other way around and we were fighting and i was outdrinking and didnt answer my phone. he better call me before he goes to bed or i am going to be beyond pissed in the morning. i will be unreasonable. it's nice to know that not only am i behind her on his list of priorities but i am behind softball and drinking too. i know he is just doing it to see if i will call and that is fucking bullshit. he is all high and mighty saying he doesnt play mind games and here he is not calling me cuz he wants to see when i will call. it's not that hard to call just to say hey i am busy but i will call you after the game sometime. now he is just doing it to piss me off. and that is bullshit. cuz i didnt not call him today just to piss him off i knew he was probably busy at work and then he had a softball game. but he always calls me when he is done drinking with them so if he doesnt call me when he is done tonight then i know it is just him being pety and trying to hurt me and i wont take that shit. cuz then how am i supposed to trust him. especially since i fucking called him and i know he will see that before he goes to bed so he will just not be calling me. and that will piss me off but also make me wonder what the hell he is up to that he isnt going to call even after he sees that i called. well anyway i have to get up for pilates in the morning and this isnt helping. maybe i will read somemore.

well on to happy thoughts

i went to the bookstore. it wasnt a pretty sight. i got a few books that i am looking forward to reading; city chic: an urban girls guide to living large on less, kiss my tiara: how to rule the world as a smartmouth goddess, i am diva: every woman's guide to outrageous living, the s factor: strip workouts for every woman and what men wont tell you but women need to know. the last one is less than 200 pages and was cheap so i thought i would pick it up in case it had something good in it. so can you tell i am a little bitter right now. i think i got enough girl power books to last me for awhile. so now i am going to climb into bed and start reading. the real challenge though is were to start. i will update which ones are good when i am done reading. the diva one looks funny. i hope everyone has a nice day.

VENTING

well now onto my shitty weekend. i got up at 515am to catch the train (and almost passed out twice from exerting myself too much when i was sick)i thought i was too sick to have sex (but luckily i was proved wrong...the high point of the weekend) i dont remember saturday at all. on sunday keith left me alone for an hour because his ex couldnt figure out how to take water out of a fish tank and on monday he was going to leave me cuz she wants a new car. well ok i got over sunday. that's fine. even though it was ridiculous that she couldnt do that herself, whatever. well we get into my apartment and he said something about it being messy, well i was sick. when i feel better and it's messy just cuz i am lazy fine, then say whatever you want. but i was going to clean it friday morning but i wanted to catch the early train to spend more time with him and i was exhausted thursday night so i just cleaned what i could so it wouldnt take me that long to clean monday when we got back. well that made me mad but i didnt stay mad for long and i was mostly mad at myself cuz it was a mess. well he keeps saying are you going to be mad at me all night and i keep telling him i am not mad any more. oh and he kept asking if he should just leave. so i get in the shower and when i get out he is on the phone with his ex and i hear him ask (a couple times)if she wants him to come back up there. so i get pissed off cuz he is giving the rest of our weekend to her and it seems like he is looking for a reason to leave. cuz it was like 3 or 4 so we still had all night. so i say something about it. and it came out sounding like i was bitching at him but i was just bitching to him. and i didnt even want to say anything any way cuz i figured i would be the bitch for bringing it up but he did tell her 2 weeks ago that he was seeing someone, and this is the first weekend that she has known and he hasnt had the kids and she knew where he was so she knew that he was so willing to just leave me hanging to go running back. and she has not needed him over there for anything for months. and before this it was to hook up the internet. cuz she had to have it that night. she has a boyfriend why cant he do shit like that. i think we all know why, i mean it's a little funny that she needed him twice in one weekend. and it had to be done. and he is going running over there. so i say something to him and he gets up and leaves. and i ask him to come back and he doesnt even turn around he just says what for and keeps going which for me that is like why should i bother trying to work this fight out or care how you feel about something i was looking for a reason to leave and i just found it. so then he freaking calls me which if he was going to argue with me anyway why the hell didnt he stay here and do it cuz he found his way out. well then i am hurt because he just left even though i asked him to stay. and he says well you made me take you home before, well ya know what he didnt ever ask me to stay cuz he's not going to "beg" me to stay. yeah and i have too much fucking pride, whatever. and i told him i expect to be second to his kids but i cant believe i am after her too. he doesnt even think of how i feel when he just leaves to go do her bidding. and after i told him that and we are on the phone in the middle of an arguement she calls and guess what he does. he takes her fucking call. he tells me to fucking hold on. and then he wonders why i say i dont know if i can be with him. i was being honest cuz at that point i didnt know. it's like i want to be with him but i am not going to be on the bottom of someones list and be set aside for everything else to come first again. i dont care how much i love him that aint going to happen again. oh and he drove back when we were on the phone but he started saying how he might not have gotten mad about tiptoeing around someone else if he was in my shoes and made it sound like i was just bitching about it. so i got pissed and i seriously felt like just hanging up but i knew he would be mad and he would be hurt because he already told me not to hang up on him so i said ya know what i will call you later if i am not mad, i gave him a second to say something but he didnt so i said bye and hung up. well so then he just goes home. he said he was sorry for just leaving but then he turns around and leaves again. what the fuck is that obviously he wasnt too damn sorry. and the whole time we were on the fucking phone he kept saying do you just want to call me when you arent mad anymore. how the fuck was i supposed to know he was here. he didnt say he came back. so the whole night was fucking ruined and he is all pissed because i am hurt that he left. and he thinks that because i am hurt that i dont see why he wouldnt want to get bitched at by 2 different people 3 times in 30 minutes. who fucking would. but that doesnt mean he should just leave because he doesnt want to fight all night but then we fight all night anyway when we could have gotten over the whole fight really quickly if he had stayed and still been together. AND he always tries to blame me for everything and then accuse me of blaming him for everything. he says that he admits it when he is wrong but he never believes he is wrong. in his mind this whole fight is my fault because i bitched at him. and because he was bitched at by 2 people 3 times in 30 minutes. i am always paying for her shit. he always takes that shit out on me. her bitching at him should not have anything to do with him walking out on me. it shouldnt have caused him to walk out on me but it's my fault cuz i yelled at him. and then he called me this morning and we got into it again. and i remember him telling me that he doesnt throw shit back in peoples faces but that is all he was fucking doing and then said i was doing it cuz i brought up that he went over there on sunday! i am so sick of the way he argues. it's pointless. it doesnt make sense. he says that i am doing something and then does it himself and when i point it out it's because either 1 i did it or 2 it's not the same thing even though it is he just wont admit it. and here we are fucking fighting for days at a time again and i fucking hate this. i look forward to talking to him every fucking day and now i am miserable all day cuz i know if he calls we are going to get into it again and i cant look forward to talking to him. and now it's 2 weeks until we get to have another weekend and i am sure something will fuck that up too. how much do you want to bet she needs something done immediately that just cant wait and she is too "stupid" to figure out how to do it or she just doesnt want to get her hands dirty. a little public notice to guys who are divorced. your wives call you to have you do stuff because they can. and because they know you will do it. they have power and they know it. i have seen it before, a couple of times. ray's wife does the same damn thing. now i know not all women do this, i sure as hell wouldnt cuz i wouldnt want to see him ever again. but there are some vindictive, power hungry women out there who enjoy making mens lives miserable, as i am sure you know. so the next time your ex calls and asks you to do something you know she can do herself if she just quits being a spoiled little baby, tell her to fuck off. do it for me, or better yet do it for yourself. take back your balls as marisa likes to put it. i am just so mad that the rest of the weekend was fucking ruined. and that he doesnt get it. i mean he got so mad about kenny when i was with kenny. and this is worse. he asked if i thought she was trying to get him back or if that's what i was worried about. now i am fucking wondering. wondering if she will and what he will do. cuz obviously he was thinking about it. i am just so bitter right now.

i am starving. i need to get up and go to the grocery store. last week when i was too sick to do anything but lie in bed, and was hungry enough to eat the most in my points range and then pig out friday through monday (well technically i only ate breakfast but it cost all my points for the day! and then some) i still lost 3 lbs. i dont know if it is muscle though or what. doesnt it normally take like 2 weeks to start losing muscle. the only place i reall lost any inches was my stomache.and that could be cuz i didnt eat since yesterday morning. well i lost half an inch on my hips. that's always a plus. well anyway. marisa and kenny broke up and she was back with ray but now her and ray broke up and i dont know what's going to happen next. my stock is up to 3.92, i bought in at 3.68 so i am feeling pretty happy right now about that. me and keith got into a fight and i am still mad about it. well hurt is a better way to describe it. but i dont want to talk about it right now cuz then i will get mad about it. i am getting so bitter about being sick and not being able to work out. it pisses me off. cuz now i am a week behind. even though i still lost weight i dont know if i am going to keep it off. cuz it was probably just cuz i was sick. besides i would rather be toned. oh well i will just have to do what i can this week. i am planning on going to pilates tomorrow. i will tell him i was sick and that i am still sick but i am going to do what i can. hopefully i can do something. well i have to get groceries and breakfast.