so anyway i actually got up for my pilates class! after only about 2 hours of sleep. i am so proud of myself right now i cant get over it. i had a private class cuz no one else showed up. when has that ever happened? i am always the one not to show up. so i got special attention which made me happy cuz that way i wont develope any bad habits. or well hopefully i wont. anyway i talked to keith last night. i had to call him twice. by midnight i couldnt take it anymore. and he was still upset cuz i said i didnt know if i wanted to be with him. well i am scared that i want to be with him and i am not going to know when to give it up if that time comes and then i am going to hold onto something bad until he dumps me. i didnt mean to make him worry about it but that was the way i was feeling. i know i want to be with him, that's the problem, because from history i know that i let my feelings rule better judgement. and i do think love can conquer all but it has to be team work on bothsides and well i can't get it through my thick head when the other person isnt trying. so i am scared that i wont see it. but then again kyle would cry and beg me not to leave and say he would try harder when in fact he wanted out. but even though i know it was my first relationship and he was dishonest i still blame myself for sticking it out. even though sticking it out should be a good thing i just need someone willing to stick it out with me and well when keith left and when he says things like he can't handle being with someone and fighting all the time it throws up red flags that he isnt going to be around when things get rough. i know everyone needs there space sometime and they need to be alone but right now i cant tell the difference from him wanting to be alone to leaving me stranded. if he just wanted to take a walk around the block to clear his head i can handle that but to go all the way back to wisconsin when we had all afternoon and evening left. so anyway. well i will write more later i am sure but i need to crawl back into bed.