mushy girl moment

last night i had one of those goofy "I'm a silly girl" moments. poor keith had to sit on the phone with me for an hour while i cried and got all mushy. i dont really feel the need to talk about it any more, even though last night i had to fight the urge to come on here and get it all out, but by that time i was tired and not making any sense. but i need to get it all out so here i go: sometimes it seems like i love keith more than he loves me, which i could have been able to deal with but he chased me, and now i am a little bitter about it, if he wouldnt have pushed the issue of us going out then i could have had my little crush and kept it under control, now there's not a chance in hell. and we both want different things in life so in the long run it's not going to work out, unless one of us changes our mind there's no way, and i am not going to change my mind, i want a family, i dont want 10 kids but i would like at least one and i do want a husband, not saying that it has to be keith, but considering he doesnt want any of that, well what the hell are we doing, it's just going to hurt more the longer we go and i am going to try and fool myself into thinking that he will change his mind and when he doesnt i will be crushed, it just really pisses me off cuz i was perfectly happy just being friends with him, and now i am the one that's going to get screwed in the end, i am starting to think that i am better by myself anyway, i am happier when i am alone, i dont have to worry about being good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, feminine enough, or whatever ya know, i like who i am, and i dont even know if i want to raise a kid with someone else, i would need to have control in that, and i think part of that is because my mom raised us alone so i only have that as an example. i wouldnt know how to do it with someone else there. but anyway, before we were together i was always thinking, man if the sex is good this would be perfect, but all i had to judge the sex on was on our first date, and it was good (the best orgasm i had had in a llloooonnnngggg time) however it is nothing compared to what it is now, and i think that is partly because we were friends and got to know eachother more and now i love him, but i am worried that maybe i am confusing sex for love, even though i did say that before hand, it's like well what if now it's just how good the orgasm feels, but would it really feel that good if i didnt love him? it didnt feel this good the first time we had sex, but then again i guess it would feel this good anyway, since he just hits all the right spots i guess that doesnt really have anything to do with anything else except how our bodies fit together, and i am sure there are plenty of other guys who know how to do all the other stuff too, i love him, that i am not doubting, but it's like i do find myself thinking that maybe he just cant handle a relationship right now, and i dont think he really wants one with me, or at least he wont let himself have one period, but ya know he was the one who said lets see where it goes, i could have done the same damn thing and not let myself get attached to him, but he was all lets see where it goes, your not going to push me away are you, and here that's what he is doing, that's not fair, i opened up to him cuz i thought we were going to do it together, and here i am standing out in the freaking cold, i dont know it feels like he just doesnt want it with me, that's how i feel about why he isnt affectionate, i mean before him i didnt want to be affectionate with anybody, i mean i liked holding hands but that was the extent, and keith says that that's just the way he is (he doesnt show any affection at all, no holding hands, or pet names, sometimes i feel like he doesnt even want me standing next to him, and we rarely ever kiss), well that's the way i was but with him, i want to cuddle next to him and all that stuff, but maybe that's just the sex again, i dont know i just dont think he is in love with me, and i know the whole cliche about if you love something let it go, blah blah blah, but ya know what i am a little too selfish for that, cuz i know he aint coming back, and i know that should be even more reason to let him go, but i am not ready yet, no matter how it happens, or when it happens i am going to get my heartbroken, i could start to pull back and stop letting myself feel like this but he wont like it, if i stop complementing him, and touching him, and all that, he wont like it one bit, but that's what he's doing to me so he doesnt get hurt, but also it's like i dont want to ruin what i feel for him, i dont think it would be right to just kill it and brush it aside like it doesnt matter, take it for granted and act like oh well i will get it again, but really what do i have now... a lopsided feeling for someone who is just thinking of me for right now, and fighting, great sex, confused mixed up emotions that are driving me crazy, i think all this fighting is from all of this, ya know most of the fighting is from me feeling insecure and neglected, i feel insecure because i know it's not a level playing feild, and i feel neglected because he is not putting any effort into it because he doesnt want to waste his time with someone who isnt going to last. uuuggghh this sucks.