well i guess kenny is getting over me. that is good. he sent me an email saying that i am emotionally attached to keith and that something finally clicked in his head and all that. so i am glad that he isnt upset any more. hopefully that will make everything go a little bit smoother from now on. and i wont feel like he is going to try and talk me into going back out with him. i am working on a drawing for keith. i am about a quarter of the way done so far. i have everything outlined and i have started the shading. i cant wait to see it when it is done. i am going to get it matted and framed for him because this is going to be his xmas gift. so i am pretty excited to get it done. but i am trying not to put too much pressure on it because then i will either fuck it up or i will just not be happy with it. either way would suck. so i am going to just take my time. to an extent because it needs to be done by friday. well i guess it doesnt but i want to try to get it framed while i am at home but that might not happen so i am just going to do what i can and get it done. but it is coming along pretty good. i have alot of stuff to do today because i really havent done anything since i have been home. i need to clean a bit and do some laundry and i have to do my dishes there's no getting out of that any longer. plus i have to pack and all that stuff. this is exciting i cant wait to show keith where i live. not that it's interesting or anything but because i want to share it with him. and it will be nice having someone there with me when i am home. so i dont get so bogged down. ya know. there's a life line saying see you really do live in chicago it wasnt all just a dream. plus i just want to share it with him. i think i am going to get my heart broken again. i know he wants to move really slow. and so do i. but he said that he was going to hold back. and it's like i know i am at least with the i love you part. but it's like i am not with anything else. ya know. and i am afraid maybe i am going to come on too strong and maybe scare him off. i dont know. i understand where he is coming from and all that but i am still scared that he is going to change his mind any day. which is why i feel like the whole kenny situation is reversed here. plus marisa was saying that he is on the rebound because i am the first girl he has gotten somewhat serious with since his ex and that scared me some cuz it's like what if i am just the rebound? ya know this is so retarded here comes all the stupid questions and the stupid wondering and it's all ridiculous. i just think maybe i am putting more of myself into than he is. cuz like i want to touch him so i touch him. etc. so i feel like i feel more towards him than he does me but i dont know if that is just because he is holding back or if it is really how it is. but all this is pointless i need to just not worry about it. ya know either he likes me or he doesnt and i like him. i just need to keep focusing on myself and not get too wrapped up in the whatif and the whole thing so i dont end up like how i was with kyle. i want to be able to keep myself. ya know. i need a job. damn. why didnt i get a job sooner. cuz if i had a job right now i could be doing tango still. i could be doing that adventure club thing and i could be taking painting lessons and going to school and all sorts of stuff to keep me busy so i am not sitting here wondering if he likes me. i would be running around wondering if he likes me. lol. i am a nerd. but oh well i know he likes me. he has too otherwise he is crazy. lol. that sounded conceited. but what i mean is that all the stuff he has done for me he would be crazy just to do it for a piece of ass or to mess with my head. i mean i am not that good. although lately i am rather enthusiastic. lol. ya know the other day he said he liked it cuz sometimes it seems like i just have to have it. and that i cant wait any longer and all that. and it's true. but ya know i would like to feel like that once in awhile. ya know. i dont know if i ever have. well anyway i have to get some work done so i can go home this weekend. but i dont want to move. i am so sad. but thats ok. i do need a job though. i need to get off my ass and look. well anyway i have to clean and start my laundry while there are still washers available