dang that was a long entry. oh well. and i still have more to go. i talked to marisa earlier. she said that she has to call me back after work because we need to finish the conversation we were having. apparently there are quite a few parallels between ray and his ex and keith and his ex. so we are going to have to have a little girl talk later. lol. she is going to go and be a photographer now. so that sounds cool. i cant wait to go home this weekend and see my niece and cheryl and then go and see marisa. i will be so happy to see her again. and i will be very happy to see dr. abramson again. i need to talk to him. well shit i dont know. i am kinda upset now. kenny said that mark said that i was convenient for keith because i dont want a commitment and i dont but i asked keith what he thought of that and he got kinda huffy about it and so then i kinda wondered if it was that way and if maybe i was just being retarded to think that he liked me or whatever and that there might be something eventually and that maybe he was just saying that to get me to play along. so i told him that i was wondering or whatever and he got even madder and he was like well i dont think we should even be having this conversation so early and all that and that was silly cuz i wasnt asking him to make a commitment i just wanted to know if i was getting laughed at behind my back. and whether or not i should care. ya know so if i know he doesnt care about me then ok. but i would like to know one way or the other. but i guess i was letting my insecurities get to me or whatever cuz if i think about it and if actions speak louder than words and i think we all know they do well then he does care about me. but it was pissing me off because he kept saying well i care about you somewhat. and it's like what the hell is that. that's like saying well i kinda dont mind you. you dont annoy the fuck out of me so ok. like i said before i dont care if he says he loves me or even if he does not right now anyway but i would like to know that i am more than desposable. and so i was like well i would like to know if i am just another girl on your im list and he was like i guess so. or something along those lines and that really pissed me off. it's like well thanks at least i know. i dont know so now i am in a pissy mood. it's like what the hell why did it escalate into that. when i was just asking him a question. i guess i am hurt cuz it's like i do care about him and he isnt just someone else i talk to on the internet and the fact that he would say that i am just someone he talks to really bothers me. it doesnt matter if he meant it or not. i would actually prefer that he meant it because then at least he was being honest but if he didnt mean it then he was just saying it to hurt me and that is not cool at all. especially since we had this whole discusion about how if anything is bothering me then i need to tell him. well i am not going to tell him if he is just going to turn around and say things to hurt me when i do. i dont know. i guess i dont know how he feels. well now i am tired and i need to go and get some food. cuz i am hungry. and then i need to clean a bit more.