2nd day of class

well my english class so far is kick ass. (cross your fingers so it stays that way. lol) um there's a thousand things i want to say about it. lets see. the teacher is super nice and i am not just saying that because she brought us all chocolates, she just seems really fun and laid back and like a cool person. she is blind in her left eye, because she stabbed herself in the eye w/ a screwdriver, but apparently it wasnt like in the movies, she did it while breaking into her own house and by the time she went blind in the eye it was a month later and she forgot how she did it. she was saying that she started out college by saying if only i could get through these classes maybe she could get a degree and she is almost to her phd. that's pretty awesome.

one of the guys in the class is named Sirbrian. and it's pronounced Sir Brian. how cool is that. everyone seems really nice and ready to have some fun so hopefully it will be an awesome class.

we had to interview people in the beginning of class, we got assigned to people by numbers and i interviewed mike and eddie, well we all kinda interviewed each other. they both seem awesome too. mike likes soccer and eddie is an addiction counselor and just seems to have a really big heart, actually they both do. and i met this woman before class, her name is maria (there are 3 maria's in class and she is the only one who actually goes by maria) she is pretty awesome too (i know everyone is awesome, i need to learn new adjectives, too bad i packed my theasauraus already, well hell i guess i will have to get it out since i am in english) anyway. she works full time and goes to school on her lunch break and has a 6 month old baby. WOW. ya know i am damn lazy. lol. i would say i have it made but really i dont.

everyone else seems really great (sorry it was the best i could do, i actually had awesome there too and went back to change it) too, i just didnt get to actually talk to them. there's only 4 other girls in the class the three maria's (maria, julie and estella) and damn i cant remember the other woman's name. so i am pretty excited about this class too. can you tell?

oh and apparently i lost my license and alex the really terrific ;-D doorman, who nobody that comes to visit me likes cuz he actually does his job, had it. so it's all good. now i have to clean cuz i have a person coming to check out my apartment tomorrow and i have to read for psychology which i actually was reading some really interesting stuff that i will mention tomorrow maybe if ya'll are lucky. lol or unlucky whichever you prefer. i am bouncing off the walls!!

oh and i forgot to mention the chick upstairs has sex every freaking night and i get the "pleasure" of listening to it (but i'm not bitter....HA) although i was joking w/ ross about it and he was like yeah your sitting there w/ a stop watch and i was like yeah, i should send her a sympathy card. well last night i actually really felt like sending one, it was under 10 minutes.

oh and today was the second time that when i was talking to kenny he brought up that if we were still together he would be living w/ me. now i want to know where he got this idea. sure i wouldnt mind living w/ keith, if we didnt fight all the time, but i always said when i lived w/ kyle the only way i would marry someone is if we had seperate houses. so anyway. what is he thinking

here is the link to the whitesox player that is living in my apartment

NERD ALERT

ohmigod seriously how big of a nerd can one person be!! when will the nerdiness end!?!

ok, the guy that showed me the apartment left a message saying there were other people who wanted the apartment, and i was PISSED, i was like what the fuck is he doing showing it to other people when hello i paid to put it on hold, so he's like well i got permission to show you the actual one, which i swear it is smaller than the other one that i saw, but anyway, on the phone he mentioned that the guy who lived there played on the whitesox well i didnt think he was actually serious and i also didnt think the guy would be there cuz last time the chick for the other apartment left, well, we get there and the baseball player Juan somebody, and the guy start talking about the game today that he just had to leave for, well we get out of seeing the apartment and the guy showing the apartment, Jeff, said oh that's perfect you got a whitesox shirt on. i look down and indeed i do have my whitesox tshirt on, which i was sooo embarassed, i could not believe i had it on. i feel like the biggest nerd, like someone who goes to a concert w/ the band that they are going to see on their tshirt. who does that?! and it's awful cuz he probably thinks i am a psycho fan and i dont even watch sports. i mean my fave teams when i liked baseball used to be st. louis cardinals and the whitesox. well now i dont really have a fave team and the only reason i have this shirt is because i swiped it from kenny and it looked good on me at the time and right now it is the only shirt that fits or at least doesnt look awful cuz it's so big and i was just lounging when the guy called. i seriously didnt believe a baseball player was living in the apartment i am gonna move into but still i didnt even think about what i was wearing, when i put on a shirt, unless it is really uncomfortable i completely forget what shirt it is. (especially considering i was pissed when i left here) i mean i have even been accused of leaning over and giving people a view of the goods on purpose when my shirt has been low cut, and it's like seriously i am not that smooth. lol. if you get a peak down my shirt it's almost 100% of the time unconcious on my part. i dont think i have ever bent over on purpose for a guy to get a good look actually i take that back i KNOW i havent ever done that. i have worn a shirt that is low cut and looks good on purpose but that's about as much thought as i put into it, once it's on i forget about it. so back to the point, i feel stupid and then i was leaving and he was pulling out of the garage in his white escalade. whoa i just realized i met my first celebrity, well besides madeline albright cuz she was supposed to be there. but this is the first time i "ran" into one, wow, a profound moment. lol. see i am a nerd all the way through. now i am gonna go and look him up on the internet so i can be cool. lol.

so anyway ross has created a monster. lol. saturday we went to coldstone's creamery and got some awesome ice cream. well since i live only a few blocks away guess where i went today. yeah it's sad. i am gonna get sooo fat again.

i actually got up and went to yoga today though, and i am so glad i did. last night i was soo tight in my shoulders and back and today that's the part we worked in yoga and hamstrings too. i felt soo good, then i came home and passed out. i had this weird dream where my tooth was falling out and it was really weird cuz it was like a sequel to another dream where my other tooth fell out, cuz i remember in the dream going see my other where my other tooth fell out before. but it's so weird cuz i can feel it being loose and stuff and i think it's real and i freak out.

oh i forgot to mention on sunday a motorcycle caught on fire right outside my apartment. it was cool (the guy was ok) but i saw this bright light go by outside my window and heard the bike fall and i was like was that a ball of fire, and i was like noooo. but then yeah so i went and looked out my window like the nosey person i am.

i want to do yoga again tonight. dang i am becoming addicted. lol.

tonight i have english, fun fun. damn i just realized i probably wont get to see father of the pride which looked hilarious. damnit

whoops i meant days of our lives earlier apparently as the world turns does come on cbs i am watching it now. lol.

got to school, went to the wrong classroom but good news is that it was an english class (i was early so it was just the end of the class and she said i could come in cuz there was only4 other people in there) well i was telling her how i can't seem to make it through english and she told me that i need to take her class and she will make sure i pass. she seemed really cool so i guess i am gonna go and see if i like it. . my psych teacher is pretty cool too. but arent they all on the first day. she seems like she wants to make the class fun and interesting and challenging. i already have homework, but that's ok. she wants us to read the chapters assigned and then keep a journal an of our own reflections of the chapters. so basically notes.

i finally figured out why there's no deny's or anything around here. cuz there's tons of other breakfast places that are way better. i went to this place by school today and they made my eggs perfectly and got them out really fast cuz i didnt have much time.

HA on as the world turns this chick just said i am not an indian giver. i called kyle that once and he thought i made it up and i was just being stupid. he made fun of me for it forever.

damn i am tired and hungry. hmmmmm

getting ready for school, yeah. oohh and guiding light comes on at 9 here, and on cbs. score. if only it was as the world turns i would be set.

awesome weekend

My gram's and stepgrandpa have been married 32 yrs. Today, that's a pretty long time, she was married to her first husband 12 yrs, and I don't know how long she was married to the second husband. (got a divorce the first time, second time her husband died).

well me and Ross hung out last night and today. Good times good times. We went to cold stone for ice cream, yummy, god I am gonna get so fat again. LOL. And then today after pilates we went and had steak and eggs. So so yummy. First time I had steak for breakfast one of the 3 best times of the day to eat it. LOL. And then we chilled out here, and the genius that he is, Ross got my TV to pick up CBS and telemundo. So now I am watching TV.(I am so easily impressed. LOL)

Keith came over for a bit last night. Fun for everyone. :-D sooo much fun. Very kinky and very nice. I have a new fantasy now, but I aint gonna admit it to any one. At least not yet :-D my bottom is still a bit sore today :-D. mmmmm spanky spanky. I am a bit sore elsewhere too. He did such an amazing job paying attention to my nipples too. Yea! Sorry to brag but I am sooo happy :-D can you tell? And then I got some this morning too. Double yea! Actually triple yea! :-D *sigh* he's so sexy. I just like it when he is around. It's so nice.

oh I went shopping yesterday and I got my haircut and dyed and my eyebrows waxed. A good day. I got an awesome coat and shawl. And 2 great shirts. The coat is gonna be so great for fall and spring, I just need some sexy low cut shirts to wear underneath w/ some jeans and a pair of camel colored stiletto knee high leather pointy boots. Ok well enough about that (can you tell I am excited about my clothes too?)

I am in such a great mood. And Ross helped me order this heating thing for my shoulders and neck. I can not wait to get that. It's this liquid pouch thing, and you snap this piece of metal and it crystallizes and heats up. Well I have a small one but he found one that wraps around my shoulders and goes up my neck. uuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I am gonna be in heaven. I need it sooo bad right now.

but anyway. School tomorrow. kinda nervous. But oh well. It will all be good. Tomorrow is psych 101. That should be interesting. Hopefully. I can't believe what a great mood I am in. Wow. And my grams called and she sounded like she was in a good mood. Except her dog has a heart murmur and has to drink soft water. And this guy that was actually the one cool person we hung out w/ when we went to Tennessee when her mom died (of course since he was cool he was no relation to us) died. I was pretty sad to hear that. He was a good guy. Real sweet heart. He was my great aunt's boyfriend. hmm trying to think if there's anything else.

Marisa is having a rough time right now. Wondering how that is all turning out. I want to call her but I don't want to interrupt if she is spending time w/ her daughter which she said she wanted to do today.

I am so beat right now. I want to go to sleep. hmmm wouldn't know why I am so tired maybe since I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night....nah that couldn't be it. LOL it was soooo worth it though. mmmmm. I would do it every night if I could. Damn I am just insatiable.

Me chillin at Ross's 

back to school

i went to register for classes, and it sucked. the other 2 colleges i have been too did not make it this hard to get into a class. first i had to go the fourth floor east hallway, wait in line for half an hour, then go to a room in the west hallway, then wait for an hour, then i had to go to the third floor and wait for 15-30 minutes, then go to another room on the third floor and wait and then pay, then go to the first floor and get my id (which surprisingly had no line, sweet deal). well each section had only 2 people working, w/ 20 or 30 people standing in line, and they all hated their jobs apparently. well the id place only had one person and she was really nice. seriously if you dont like dealing w/ people then why work in a position that you have to deal w/ people? so anyway i got my psych class and english 2 class set up. but they are on different days. that sucks. so next semester i am registering on the first day, i dont care how long the line is. i am also gonna try to take a photography class and a webpage design class. just for something fun. they are only half a semester each. oh not to mention there was a cubs game so my train was packed!!! but i met this cool old guy who was telling me about how he was in vietnam and all this other cool stuff. plus he kept telling me i was young and i could whip the world. and he used me to make a path to get off the train which i was more than happy to.

is anyone else having problems w/ blogger or is it just me? sometimes it just wont let me publish a post. i dont know. anyway

i feel way better today!!! YEA! I can breath! now after breakfast i am going to chance the weather and go register for classes. i am so excited. i mean i am still coughing but my sinuses have decided to chill out, and that's all that matters. i think i found a picture to draw but we will see. and i still have to finish the cat for the A.I.S. but it's all good. i will get it done, and i will register for classes. go me.

ohmigoodness!! I am so excited!! I got 4 people to ask for more info on my website for GOS! They aren't signed up yet but hopefully one or more will sign up. That would be so cool!! I am all excited/nervous. I can't wait! I was already planning on putting out more cards either tomorrow or Sunday, depending on how I feel after I go downtown tomorrow. If I felt better I would want to go now!! I should take a break and be sick more often. Yeah right if that was the case I would already be a millionaire. Go me it's my birthday get busy. Wow that's so old but it needed to be said.

well today is the day that i need to go and get registered for class. that sucks cuz i am still sick and dont want to move out of my chair, let alone go downtown to harrington and then over to the other school. and i found out i was wrong about the registration dates so i could have registered much earlier and avoided all of this. but anyway.

nothing really new going on. i guess hopefully i will feel better after today and can spend all weekend packing. because i will only have 3 weeks left to pack if i am gone for almost 2 weeks. and if i am in school at that time then i doubt i will want to pack all that much.

OH BABY!

Cheryl, my oldest friend and mother of my neice, is not only getting married on the 25th of september but i just found out she is pregnant!!!! i am so excited for her. everything must be going a mile a minute down there. she also said she is having a shower, and she sounded like she really wanted me to be there so it looks like my trip home will be longer than just the weekend, it looks like it will be about 11 days!! lord please give me strength and patience and inner peace to stay w/ my grams that long. but the sims 2 comes out on the 17th, so i will have something to do. (insert evil laugh) i am gonna have to buy a laptop. there's no hope for it. well that is all the good news for now.

well dinner w/ kenny was pretty good. the food sucked though. i about died on the way back cuz i am not used to talking so much for so long (since i have been sick that is) and my throat kept getting really dry and i would have coughing fits. it sucked. today i am feeling pretty good, still coughing alot though. it's kinda like i have a chest cold with the sinus infection. but anyway.

didnt talk to keith any more last night. i went to bed around 930 again. it's pretty nice, the last 2 nights i haven't had a panick attack or anything. just drifted off to sleep like a normal person.

well me and keith sorta got into it, not really but i dont know

him: did kenny come over?

me: he is in a little, i told him we could have dinner but i wanted to come home early, i felt pretty shitty before i took a shower

him:gonna get some?

me:might as well

him:alright

me: alright what

him: you said you might as well

me: i was being sarcastic

him: uh huh

me: i told you a thousand times i am not gonna sleep w/ kenny again

him: you also said you werent gonna talk to him again either not that it matters to me, cuz it dont, talking and sleeping w/ him are a bit different

me: oh that's nice glad it doesnt matter to you if i go sleep around

him: no, talking to him

me: well then why are you bringing it up

him: just saying what you had said

me: i was being sarcastic

him: no when you said i told you a thousand times..........

me: oh well i have

him: nevermind

me: fine

him: attitude today?

me: when you ask if i am gonna get some from kenny, why shouldnt i have an attitude

him: was joking, like i really thought you were gonna

me: well then why did you get so bent when i was being sarcastic

him: just forget it

me: fine

him: well im gonna get goin then before this turns into a fight

me: whatever

him: got to get some shit done anyways

mr: fine obviously you want a fight so whatever

him: what is your problem i said so we dont fight i dont know what your getting upset about

me: well then why did you have to bring it up i am not upset

him: thats why you keep saying fine

me: well yeah when you are like well i am gonna go before this turns into a fight,(he always says this after he has already started something) i got shit to do anyways what else am i supposed to say. i'm not gonna beg or force you to talk to me (that's what he always says to me)

him: whatever

me: what i am just saying what else did you want me to say

him: i dont know

me: well i gotta go he is here

well between this and sunday obviously he is trying to start something. obviously he also isnt too worried about seeing me again any time soon either, i mean he could have come down tonight but no, both times this week that he could have come down he goes and says something that he knows will get to me. and we havent seen each other in almost 2 weeks and he said he would come down last week and he didnt and he hasnt even brought up coming down this week except when he said it on sunday that he was gonna come down but not anymore. whatever.

talked to keith a bit last night, but not too long, i have been going to bed around 930 cuz of my medicine and he hasnt been getting home til late. we didnt fight so that was good.but we didnt really talk about anything either. i just wish i knew what the hell he was thinking. but all he ever tells me is i dont know. didnt make it to pilates today. i hope i feel better tomorrow or at the latest friday. i dont know if i am gonna get registered for class or not. i dont have my transcripts and i can't find my proof of income so i can take it there and ask to pay for my classes in september.

havent found a new pic to draw yet, i guess i will go through my magazines and stuff today. i am also gonna get my next assignment done in a little bit because all i have to do is some simple shading and i can send it off. (I really dont know why i have been putting it off.) and then i will find something to draw. i have been really antsy the last few days, i guess cuz i am sick. but i am just getting that feeling like i am stuck. i think i might take a digital photography class this semester too. but i dont know if i should. i think i should just wait til next semester.

i showed my apartment last night and i didnt think the guy really liked it that much. but he called this morning and wants it if i can get my move in date at the other apartment earlier. i am gonna try but i dont know. it all depends on the other people. i have a woman coming tonight so maybe october first will work for her. oh and the guy said that they will have people come in and paint before me and johnny move in. how awesome is that!? i dont have to paint anything i just come in and it's all pretty and just the way i want it. *sigh* life is sweet. i also have about 50 magazines i have to read in the next month so i dont have to take them to the other apartment. it's bad enough that i only got rid of 4 (small paper back) books downstairs and picked up 2 really big hardcover books. i went and looked at my old sketch books yesterday, some of the stuff i was pretty impressed w/ i still have know idea where my favorite drawing i have done is and that pisses me off. but oh well i will just have to do one that is better. well enough rambling, i am gonna take my movies back (kill bill vl 2 is so awesome, way better than vl. 1, well as far as story line goes, and hidalgo is pretty good too) i will probably get another one and some lunch and then draw while i watch the second one and then read when i am done. it's so hard being me. lol

i love marisa, she is the best. she called me earlier and we were saying how guys seem to go crazy at the same time. apparently ray is being crazy now. ya know something i forgot to mention, keith bitched because one time i brought up something he did the day before in an arguement, that was actually relevent to the arguement we were having and said i was throwing stuff in his face when i wasnt, well on sunday when we were fighting he so threw something in my face from a while back that had nothing to do w/ the arguement. fighting w/ him is insane. and yesterday we got into it again


him: are you in a bad mood

me: i wasnt

him: oh you are cuz i called

me: kinda

him: fine i wont call any more

me i didnt say that i am just disappointed cuz i thought maybe you would come over tonight but you cant

him (all of a sudden yelling) THAT"S RIGHT I CANT!! I CANT COME DOWN CUZ I GOTTA DO THIS APARTMENT SHIT AND I AM DISAPPOINTED CUZ I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY THIS MONTH

me: I KNOW I JUST FUCKING SAID YOU CANT THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID

and then we went on to fight for a little bit more and it's like ya know if the apartment stuff was that big of a deal and that important maybe he shouldnt have gone up north but again i am the one that gets pushed aside for it.

but anyway, i got 4 boxes packed yesterday and i am going to go get more tonight and pack up some more, plus clean.

the last few days i have been seeing these girls w/ flat stomaches and just great bodies and it's really starting to suck. i know what it will take for me to look like that but i can't seem to make myself do it. and right now i am sick so i can't work out but i am hoping tomorrow i will be able to breath and go to pilates, i miss pilates, and i really need to start going to the gym all the time but i always say that and it never happens.

feeling better

wow, i feel sooo much better!! i slept from whenever i finished the last post til about 9 when a construction worker thought it was a good idea to use a jack hammer right outside my window. (ok maybe not right outside since i am on the fifth floor but close enough) i slept sooo good. it was unreal. then i got up and got some breakfast and went to walgreens and got some sudafed and a humidifier, (it's tiny and cute and i love it) and i picked up a couple of movies to watch so i wont be so bored, i also got some kleenex so my nose wont be rubbed raw anymore, and some trash bags so i can clean. i have so much energy right now it's unreal, i still feel sick and stuffy but there's no pressure, thank god. i just want to clean my apartment and then lay in bed and watch my movies and then maybe take a nap and later on at like 10 pick up my brother from the train station.
ok so here's my next month, this weekend nothing yet, next weekend signing the lease and going to marisa's jewelry party (not in that order), the weekend after that is my birthday, dont know what i am doing, probably going out w/ marisa cuz the way it looks right now i would have to spend it alone if i dont because keith doesnt want to spend any time w/ me. although it would be nice to have a tiny party. just dinner w/ marisa and stef and ray and keith some where cool in the city (it will be my first b-day in the city, last yr i went home) but that can't happen cuz keith will have his kids and who knows if we will even be together then or if he would even want to be around me any way. and the weekend after that i actually think i might have free, and then after that it's cheryl's wedding (which i will probably have to go to alone) so i have to go home for that and then the weekend after that i am moving!! yea! so i will be very busy the next couple of weekends. damn now i've gone and wore myself out. lol. i can not wait to move!! alright i think i am going to clean a little and maybe pack while i watch a movie and then nap cuz i am quickly getting tired.

well johnny just called and he isnt coming up after all. at least not until the fifth and if he doesnt come up then i will go down there and drag him up here! i purchased the new allure magazine today (see how bad i am), i think i am gonna have to add it to my list because it has a ton of hair and makeup tips and that's what i want so it's added. and i found the perfect hair and make up to wear for my birthday and for cheryl's wedding so all i need now is to find a great outfit and i will be all set!

well considering i have been up since 4 and it doesnt look like i am going to be able to fall asleep any time soon, here i am. i just took another nyquil even though i am actually feeling much better than yesterday and shouldnt be having a problem sleeping from my "cold." I am exhausted.

well talked to keith some more last night but it didnt do any good or anything. He kept saying that i was bitching and nagging him as soon as he got home, and telling him all these reasons i was mad at him. first of all, he called me, and second of all instead of saying i missed you or how are you feeling the first thing he said was are you mad at me. now how else did he want me to reply, i wasnt going to just jumped down his back and start bitching at him, and he says i am just making stuff up and that that's all i do, i sit here and make shit up and over analyze, ok i do over analyze sometimes, but it's like that's all i have to go on, and it's like i do not sit here and make shit up. if everything is going good then it's going good, if he says something that upsets me then i get upset, he is saying that i have all these demands and before i didnt have any expectations and now i do. bull shit, all i am asking for his for him to treat me the way he did before we started going out. and he says i can't live day by day like he does, well considering he also turned around and said that i am sitting here not wanting to think about the things in the future that are going to cause us to break up what the hell am i supposed to do. do i think about the future or do i live day by day, i am trying to live day by day and that is what has me so fucked up because i dont know from one day to the next if he is gonna be w/ me. as soon as i do start to feel secure something happens and it throws me off balance, ya know i did want to see him really bad last night after he said he wanted to come down, but did he end up coming down. no. if he wanted to so bad why didnt he. he says it's cuz i was bitching at him as soon as he got home, well ya know why did he have to ask if i was mad if he couldnt handle me telling him i was mad why couldnt he just come down if that's what he wanted and show me that he wanted to spend time w/ me and be w/ me. this just makes it seem even more like he doesnt want to be w/ me. it's like he is just punishing me for being mad, i was gonna come down but since you are acting like this now i am not. what the fuck is that. like he is wanting an excuse not to come down so he says or asks the things that are going to give him that excuse. now i dont know when we are gonna see each other again, i have no idea. and that has me stressed out too. i just want to fucking go to sleep, and i want to have sex, and i want to fucking eat, and feel better and not have to worry about if i am being jerked around. that's all i fucking want. how is it that hard to give me that if he's not just jerking me around? why is it that he has permission to read my journal and yet he only uses it for evil. he doesnt use it to see my side or put himself in my shoes or to see why i am mad or hurt, he just uses it to give himself proof that i dont want to be w/ him, would i be this upset because he doesnt want to spend time w/ me if i didnt want to be w/ him. how is it that 2 people who are supposedly communicating honestly can't get on the same page, i know i am communicating honestly what i want. i mean how can i get any clearer when i tell him i dont feel secure in the relationship and i need to feel secure and that i dont care what he does to make that happen as long as it does, when i say he needs to be more affectionate that is just me trying to give some solutions to the problem, he doenst have to do it if there is some other way we can get the same results and he is more comfortable fine be my guest. but he asks me what i want him to do or what he is supposed to do so i give him something. he tells me to go one way and i go that way and then he tells me i am wrong and i should have gone the other way and i should have known to go the other way and he never told me to go that way to begin w/ and i am just making it up that he said to go that way. i am still so stressed i dont know what to do but i dont know what else to put in here that i havent already and that i would make me feel better.

trying to set a record

how about another post for the day, since ya'll can't be sick of me after only what 4 or 5 already....

ya know i am so tired of asking him to spend time w/ me. he says he was planning on coming down well then why was the first thing he said are you still mad at me? why is it that i have to be the one to just get over shit w/ out him saying sorry or w/o him even knowing and understanding why i am mad, and why is it now he can't answer the damn phone? why couldnt he come to see me w/o calling first and surprising me? or just saying hey i missed you. it's like he wanted to start a fucking fight just so he wouldnt have to come down. why cant he ever say he wants to come see me? why can't it be like the way it was before we started going out? i just want to be w/ him, I JUST WANT TO KNOW HE WANTS TO BE W/ ME, and more than just temporarily until a better offer comes along, i mean, i said i dont know when he asked why i wanted to be with him, and then an hour and a half later he asked if i made a decision yet, hello it's been 2 months and i am still waiting ( i know i am a broken record) why couldnt he have just shown up, it would have made everything better. at least for now. but it would be a start. and not to mention i asked why he wanted to be w/ me and he said he didnt know and i am still waiting an answer for that. and he says he is sorry but it's always so sarcastic and it's like why cant you say your sorry like you mean it, like you dont want to hurt me. going to bed, trying to sleep

crazy nyquil induced rambling

Oh I also forgot to add earlier that I had taken an allegra and 4 tylenol and some nosespray, and had a hot bath (not all at once) and none of it worked, and it just got worse, which is why I ended up going to the emergency room cuz I couldn't stand it any longer and I was seriously stressed out but they didn't give me anything at all. ya know I hate medicine I really do, I hate tylenol, I always wait it out to the last second to take it, I hate nyquil cuz it makes my arms numb or like now doesn't even work, I only ask for it if I really need it, and right now I really need it. And I can't fucking sleep at night but I can't get anything for that either, the one guy was saying something about giving me valium and I told him no I don't want something like that can I get something that is not as addictive and something just to make me calm down a little when the stress gets really bad but the fucking attending said no. And the fucking attending was going to give me something for my sinus infection but for some reason changed his mind, I mean I don't even drink that much and I have never done pot at all. The only reason I even fucking asked for something for the stress is because I just want to fucking be able to fall asleep, I want to be able to stop feeling like I am suffocating. I even said I don't want that much just something that would help until the buspar started to work (which will take a month) which I don't even want to be on buspar again but I figured maybe I will be able to finish school if I am taking something for anxiety so I let them write me a prescription. But that's not going to help anything for a whole month. Well in a whole month I doubt I will be this fucking crazy from stress. I am a bit emotional right now if you can't tell, it's been a very long, trying day and me and Keith have been fighting. I was so stressed out about how sick I was and I had myself so fucking worked up about all this different shit earlier and I had calmed down a lot since I went to the hospital but now it's like what the fuck I took a nyquil at 6 and it's now 8 and I don't feel any better, or at least I don't seem to, thankfully I don't feel any worse so maybe if I hadn't taken any nyquil I would really be bawling my eyes out from the pain when right now I just want to cry from it. I think I am going to try another hot bath, I am getting a humidifier tomorrow along w/ some sudafed or tavist or anything I can fucking find and I am going to call dr. A. and see what he thinks about the buspar and maybe he can get me something to help me sleep. Of course not if I am taking nyquil, ya know I just want something for when it gets really bad. I mean people who don't have to go through this shit don't know what it's like, I mean my mind is racing a thousand miles a minute and it's just snowballing and nothing I do stops it and it's like a weight is sitting on my chest and the more I try to calm down the worse it gets, I try to meditate but it's like I get caught up in it all before I even realize it's happening and then it's just my head is going to explode. I mean if I couldn't have gotten ahold of marisa today I don't know what I would have done, I was panicking when I left a message on her phone and it was all from nothing. The only time I ever did this this bad w/ Kyle was when I caught him lying to me, and it always turned out I was right. I mean I have always gotten worked up at night about stuff. Like just laying there I would think about something stupid I did or said or something that I was embarrassed about that no one else would remember or care about but it would make me feel like I was suffocating and just like I was so stupid. But when I went to see dr. A. at first it was more for being depressed and not wanting to go to school and well not being able to sleep then either which was why I didn't go to school cuz I was up till 4 watching trauma life in the ER on TLC or something else like that cuz I couldn't sleep and then I would just pass out and not be able to get up in the morning. Not to mention I had stress from my then H. English 3 teacher which was my first class of the day. I don't know maybe I have always had panic attacks like this but never this many right in a row. I guess I should write them down so I know when I have them. I just feel like I am going crazy. This last week has just fucking drained me.

well just spent the last 4 hours in the emergency room just to be told i have a cold which is crap cuz i know the difference between a cold and sinus infection and i am in so much pain right now, i do not have a cold. i knew they would only be able to give me antibiotics anyway but i was hoping they could give me something stronger to ease the congestion cuz it is so fucking painful. the bastards. oh and they didnt even ask what color my *snot* (gross i know tough) was when i blew my nose, i am so pissed cuz my whole face hurts and i have to wait til tomorrow to get something stronger to help , nyquil is useless now. i dont know what i could possibly get that could be stronger.

this is a pretty good article, for those who think that kerry is a flipflopper and that bush you should really check this out. http://www.americanprogress.org/site/pp.asp?c=biJRJ8OVF&b=42263

ohmilord this site is sooo funny http://www.bushorchimp.com/ i so want one of their shirts

fuck i am up early, at least for a sunday, i got up at 730 and found out that i dont think i had laryngitis at all (unfortunately) it's all from a sinus infection that i got full blown today. it's not even fall yet, stupid weather, i wonder if that surgery for sinuses really works, a friend of mine said it made her cousin's sinuses worse. these things suck, as soon as one goes away i get another one, but oh well, i guess tomorrow i will just go to the store and get something for it. i was just reading on webmd that sinuses can be triggered by mold and dust, well my apartment is like dust central, as soon as i dust there is another layer of dust, not to mention there's mold in my bathroom that i thought was the reason my sinuses were so bad, and i told the maintenance guy and he's just like wipe it off, marisa said the wood in the ceiling is probably rotted out and moldy and i would have to agree, i know the wood in the window frame is, i am so glad i am moving. anyway, i am going to go back to bed

ya know what i need, well want, a good camera, one that i can zoom in and all that and take a ton of pics and it won't freeze up and one that has a timer and black and white and all that stuff, cuz i am sick of having to use pics out of a magazine for my art work, cuz it's like i can't say hey this is all mine, and nobody else's cuz it is someone else's. it started out as someone else's artwork and i just used it for practice, i want stuff that is all mine, from my eye, stuff that i think is beautiful and inspiring.

i want to do portraits, sexy, provacative, nudes that are just like wow, that's beautiful, i definitely need a nude for my bedroom in my apartment. something sexy and feminine. alright i am done for tonight going to read now. oh i did take a bath, and now my throat feels a ton better cuz it was starting to hurt again.

Ewwwwww gross

I just got propositioned by a"57 yr old Indian man" to be his massage partner *shivers* even though I need a massage, I do not need one that bad. Why on earth would he think a 21 yr old would want to do that? *shivers* again

Johnny is not coming up till Monday, kinda glad, kinda sad. Glad cuz I did not get my money yesterday but I will Monday morning, and I sure as hell don't have enough food to feed a nineteen yr old boy, sad cuz I wanna see my brother *sniff*.

Haven't heard from Keith, surprise surprise, he is obviously not calling cuz I said I wouldn't call him in my blog the other day, I wasn't going to call him cuz I was mad not because I was playing some stupid juvenile game. ya know I want him to hang out w/ his friends and be happy but then I realized wait he has been hanging out w/ his friends for 2 months and barely saw me at all. oohh his apartment stuff has to get done immediately and he doesn't have time for me but he has all the time in the world for everyone and everything else and he did promise me, and I have been very patient for 2 whole fucking months but do I even get a thank you. Oh no I get sorry maybe next time, just like all the other maybe next times. But again what did I expect? Anyway

I should have had marisa swing by and pick me up. If I would have known sooner that Johnny wasn't coming up till Monday I so would have. I think I am going to take a hot bath and read my book some more.
oh and my building finally got a damn change machine in the laundry room. Nice. I move and they upgrade *shakes head*

But anyway, I talked to the realestate guy that I am getting the new place from and he said that my apartment is practically sound proof. Sweet no more crappy traffic and noisy firetrucks going by all the time, life is good (we'll see soon enough if he is lying)

well i have a whole lists of blogs i read everyday, well try to read, most of them just update like once a week, and they're all on the same day just about. oh well. i am really starting to like a few of them, even though i still miss the other blog *sniff* oh well.
i am still kinda sick yesterday kenny and marisa both kept asking if i was upset or sad, or commenting that i sounded like a little kid, and it's like um i can't talk that loud remember. silly rabbits. no i am not sad. lol. i was in a pretty good mood yesterday, did some dishes, gonna do the rest today, and i am gonna get some boxes from the osco and start packing and i might even do some laundry cuz i found half a roll of quarters in my closet that fell behind my portfolio,
i will also probably finish the book that i started yesterday, it's one of my aunts favorites, Kathleen E. Woodiwiss' Shanna. i thought i would read it again cuz it is pretty good. i ended up having to buy my aunt the hardcover because when she lent it to me it fell apart, and i felt awful but it was really from being read so much and she bought it at a garage sale like 20 yrs ago so it wasnt my fault but i still felt sooo bad so i ran and ordered her a hardcover, and then a few weeks ago i found a paperback so i picked it up. well anyway as interesting as that is.
i am also going to get alot of my stuff packed today so i dont have to worry about it later, and so my place won't look quite so cluttered and that way i can start sorting out all the stuff i am going to pitch. i am also going to take alot of my books downstairs for people to take (hopefully)
Just called Johnny, don't know if he is planning on coming up tonight or monday or on the weekend of the fifth or what, i guess he is calling amtrak now. i wasnt going to have him come up any more cuz i am kinda sick but oh well, it's not contagious so, and if marisa comes up tomorrow she can see my new place too. yea!

there is this thing that is going down the weekend of my birthday, it's like a hippy type spiritual retreat, but it's more than that, they have where people can learn metitation, and work shops on the grieving process and tons of stuff like that, i dont know how i would like it but it does come highly recommended so i might try it, it depends on how expensive it is and if i can bum a ride, just something i am thinking about

ok quick update

i should be getting my money sometime to day *hopefully*

i think i only have laryngitis. good news, cuz i dont think it's contagious and i shouldnt get much worse than i am now and i dont have to go to the dr.

i have possibly 2 people coming sunday to look at my place. so i have to get cleaning. like yesterday. but anyway all good news.

Well since I am sick, I took some nyquil, cuz I didn't want to be up w/ a sore throat all night, so Keith finally calls me around midnight I think, and I am in the middle of my nyquil induced coma, (from one capsule) and I think the convo went something like this

him: just calling to see how pissed you are at me

me: mmdkfdoruufggoo translation: pretty mad

me: what are you doing home so late (I think)

him: late getting home and late getting back from her place (again not exactly sure if this is what's said but it does make me wonder what he did after he left her place)

me: why didn't you call sooner (or something along those lines, not mad that he didn't, cuz I figured he wasn't going to call at all but I was mildly curious)

him: you could have called me (oh I don't think so)

and then we hung up I think.

I knew he wasn't going to come down, I am not sure if he read my blog from yesterday or not, but I guess if he had to ask if I was pissed then probably not, and also I think he just thought I was mad cuz he didn't come down, well like I said before I knew he wasn't coming down and I didn't even expect a call (see I am getting used to it, no more getting my hopes up) he is lucky it was him though, if he would have been anyone else I would have hung up on him, which I have done, I hate it when people call me when I am passed out, and it usually happens at like 430 in the morning. It's like dude seriously I forget to be nice at 430 in the morning so don't fucking call here, LOL. Well anyway back to Keith, I didn't hang up cuz I was curious to see what he wanted, and I had already answered the phone, and then I couldn't get back to sleep. Isn't that awful, I mean first of all nyquil normally knocks me out w/in a half hour, well, last night it was closer to an hour or hour and a half cuz of the stress and all, but then it gets really hard to move my arms after I take nyquil so I couldn't fall back asleep cuz my arms were all heavy and numb. It was weird, and that always scares the shit out of me. But anyway, so I don't know if he is gonna call me today or not and I am not too worried about it cuz I am still mad, and I don't know when I am gonna see him either but again, I am not too worried. It's weird cuz while I am mad, I am not steaming mad, or even pissed I am just kinda like what else did I expect. Like duh. I am pretty disappointed though. I mean at this point I have done everything I can so I guess it's out of my hands and either he wants to be w/ me or he doesn't. Of course I want to be w/ him but I know I will be fine if he doesn't want to be w/ me.

well anyway I do feel slightly better than I did yesterday, my throat's not sore just kinda raspy but my neck and shoulders are killing me, I could seriously use a massage, and to be taken care of. I was thinking of just going home so my grams could take care of me, I am so sad (as in i am pathetic because i am barely sick but want to stay in bed and have some one take care of me), but no I wont do that cuz she doesn't need to be around someone who is sick, let alone take care of me. I am just being a baby, plus I don't really feel that bad, that could be the tylenol talking though. I think I am going to go back to bed, cuz I can.

2 weeks and 3 days till I will get my money!! Well get to get to my money I guess I should say, I get my money in about 1 week and 3 days or something like that. Although I will get my money from that stupid stock next week sometime. Hopefully.
my birthday is coming up very fast, I asked for old navy gift cards but I don't know if that's going to happen, it didn't happen last yr and all the yrs before that I ask for gift cards for borders or dick blick but it never happens. I mean I don't expect much, I mean I would be happy w/ a 25 dollar gift card which is all I want, but I don't know. It doesn't really matter what I get, I appreciate all my presents and everything but I really need clothes. But every yr. I have no idea what I am going to get so that's good. Or my grams drags me shopping w/ her to dick blick to get my presents. Which I don't mind at all. :-D or is that Christmas she does that? I don't remember. But anyway. So the count down begins. Oh I also normally I can never think of anything I need that I would want someone spending money on, I mean my family (besides me and my brothers) doesn't have a lot of money and they have to work really hard for what they do have so I feel bad asking for stuff especially frivolous stuff which is what birthdays are for so I try to ask for things I need but lately there's not much that I need or at least need bad enough to ask someone else for it, except clothes that is.
speaking of my grams where is she when I need her? LOL. I am sick. I think I have strep throat. That will suck to have it again. Hopefully I will wake up in the morning and I will feel perfectly fine.
I also can't wait till I actually have muscle tone everywhere and I am not all jiggly. I mean I saw my ass in the mirror and really it's not a pretty sight. But that's ok I don't have to look at it all the time. LOL it just sucks cuz everything is so jiggly right now and not where it's supposed to be. I still like my body and am much happier w/ it now than when I was tubby but there's still work to be done.

well I had a whole long blog bitching about Keith but it's gone, cuz either blogger or my computer sucks, but I will give you a quick overview of the topics in case it doesn't show up

1. Keith can't say I love you even though he started saying it first, and I don't know why it is so hard to say it back or why I should be made to feel like I should be lucky that he said it at all
2. Keith can't remember when he said he would go four wheeling this weekend, and copped out by saying that it must have been whenever he told me the first time, he never told me when the first time he just said the guy was bugging him to go how can you not remember if you said yes after someone asked you to spend the weekend
3. he wants me to initiate sex, well I was all for that and planning on ways to do it and then I remembered I have not gotten one thing I asked him for to make my part in the relationship easier even though I have already bent over backwards for him and all I am asking for are the basics, like to feel loved and appreciated and special. Ya know what normal people don't have a problem showing
4. the fact that I have bent over backwards and am letting him put me through so much stress and heartache because I love him and want to be with him and he can't even spare me more than one fucking I love you and one fucking weekend out of 2 months worth (actually more if you count the weekends he had a reason not to come down Friday or Saturday the few weeks before the break)
5. he was saying something about coming down tonight when he would only have enough time to sleep, when the only "reason" we are on this "break" is because he didn't see how a couple hours mattered. And I would appreciate the fact that he came down to see me no matter how long it was for (my whole point during "the fight")
6. he thinks he knows how it's going to end cuz all women are the same, and he doesn't give me a chance and he is hurting me and our relationship because other women who have nothing to do w/ me hurt him.
7. another reason I am not initiating sex, for the first time since February I feel completely asexual, that will probably change when I see him but right now I don't care if it does or not, he can work for it for once,
8. I am having panic attacks because of all the stress and back and forth (crazy I know but that doesn't make them go away)

this is a much shortened version but basically you get the point, with less bitching, I just remembered something else though too, the fact that we were not fighting this whole time but the reason for the break was cuz we fought so much but we still aren't back together or any closer cuz he wont think about it. hmm how about that.

my name's elisha and i have an addiction

i have known for some time now that almost every magazine every month is exactly the same, so why do i feel the need to not only buy every one i can get my hands on but also keep them...all. well i guess some of them i do use the make up and hair tips, or well that's what i say, but seriously i am going to get subscriptions for my faves and then not buy any more, seriously. this time i mean it. i probably shouldnt even get a subscription to anything but O and that's cuz there's actually several good articles each month and not just one or none, but still i rarely read them i just browse through them and toss them aside, that's such a waste of money and paper and space. so here's my list

1. O
2. self
3. glamour
4. the artist's magazine
5. the artist's sketchbook
6. cosmo,

but really what's left after that. that's like 120 bucks a yr. but i do actually use the art magazines and i should probably add national geographic but i know glamour and cosmo are the same, and even self, they all have the same articles, well at least self has exercise stuff which i dont do, ok i will lose cosmo for national geographic, which will cost even more, but at least i will use it, i really should get rid of my self subsription but that is my comfort subscription, it's like my burt's bees lip balm, i have to have it. but the hard part will be not buying cosmo and all the other magazines i get, except the art ones that are not available through subscription, and i also need to pay my fees at the library, even though this library sucks, but oh well, that will give me an excuse to go down town, well besides school. and i will join the book club at this library, that would be cool. anyway i am done rambling for tonight, just had to get my addiction to magazines out there.

i need a new picture to work on, marisa thoroughly motivated me this morning. i need to get all the ones i have framed, but that will be expensive hopefully i can find some cheap white mats to fit and then some cheap simple black frames. shouldnt be too hard.

damn i forgot about jane, and lucky, and the nation, and ms, and *sigh* i am sad, ok here's my deal, i will get subscriptions to the ones i have already listed in the beginning and if after 6 months i am reading them all cover to cover almost every month and using the stuff i learn for things other than useless info to bug people w/ then i will order one of the above. probably jane or lucky, but i doubt it will happen (oh and i have to be tossing the magazines when i am done)

Last night I spent most of the evening talking to my grams and downloading some awesome music (and by awesome I mean stuff no one is going to appreciate that I downloaded and intend to listen to it over and over) stuff like Donna Fargo's funny face and happiest girl in the whole USA and tons of Frank Sinatra and Ray Charles, and some pop (Avril, Ashley Kevin Little) and various country songs and Clarence Carter, so my brother and anyone who helps me move is gonna need some ear plugs. LOL. Well at least my brother I guess I wont torture the people nice enough to help me move, LOL. Maybe. Today I got my furniture layout for my apartment done and the color scheme all picked out, my bedroom is going to be fat-ass. I can not wait to get it done, it's gonna be a love cave. LOL. I can't wait only one month and 2 weeks and September is gonna be busy so it should go by supper fast. cuz I have marisa's jewelry party on the fourth and some paint thing on the 16th and my birthday on the 11th Cheryl's wedding on the 25th which I will have to go home for so I will come back just in time for last minute packing and moving, and I will spend the rest of the month, working, go to school, working, exercising and packing, and purging all the crap that I don't love enough to haul the 30 feet to my new apartment. Which is gonna be most of it, that is the only good thing about when I move, well besides getting an awesome new place, I get rid of all my crap and then start buying more crap. But I will have enough room for my aunt and uncle and cousins to come for a visit or Cheryl and Elizabeth and Bill or anybody for that matter. So yea! I can't wait till my apartment is decorated so I can put up pics. It's gonna be sweet.

I had a whole long blog but now I got nothing, I went to spell check and it closed out. I am pretty pissed. Will try to type it again later.

me and keith are kinda fighting i think. i brought up that i was upset cuz he didnt say i love you back twice and he was like i didnt think it was a big deal if i didnt say it everytime and i am like it's not but you didnt say it twice and he was like i dont think this should be an issue and you shouldnt be mad at me over this and i said (for like the third time) that i wasnt mad i was just upset and he's like well i probably won't say it everytime. and it's like well fine i dont care if he says it everytime, but ya know it also hurt my feelings that he said that or at least the way he said it, cuz it just seemed like he would never say it first and that sucks and i dont know like i said earlier i am just feeling stupid over the whole thing. i guess i never should have said it.

Movin on up......

A lot has happened since yesterday..... First of all I was seriously jonesing to move and I was thinking about calling my brother to see if he had changed his mind and wanted to move up here, well I put it off but then he called me and said he wanted to come up. So today since I am the queen of finding apartments fast, I found an apartment. Right next door. It has a dishwasher and 2 bathrooms, and a rooftop pool, still don't have a washer and dryer but there is a dishwasher, (and did I mention 2 bathrooms? One of which is conveniently located in my bedroom, how about that) the bedrooms are small but the living room/ dining room is as big as my whole apartment. Plus not one but 2 sinks in the kitchen not that I need them now that I have a dishwasher, and something I haven't seen in a long long time, counter space!! yippy! And WE GET TO PAINT!!!! Double yippy. Oh happy day, oohh happy ddaaaayyyy! Did I mention the pool? How awesome is that. If I get a laptop I can work out by the pool. And this is all going to cost me about 75 dollars more a month. So I need a job. At least a part time one. This also means that I will have to go and get my furniture from ass boy's parent's house.

now on to crappy news. Well ya know how I mentioned I said I love you to a certain someone. Well the first time I said I love you he said it back (he was right here) well I said it twice on the IM and nothing. That's pretty hurtful. I guess I should have seen it coming, but I choose to be naive and blind to all the signs. I feel pretty stupid right now.

I am kinda nervous about moving. Now I am probably going to get all sentimental and crap but oh well. It's done, I am moving in October. I have to find a subleaser now though. That could be tough but hopefully not too bad. Well I am hungry and tired so I need to eat. Seriously though last night I was thinking that the bedrooms would have to be separated by the living room and that's exactly the way this one is set up. Plus 2 full baths w/ huge bathtubs sweet!!

well i actually got some twice this weekend. a very happy surprise. although i just realize i could have gotten it for a third time at 4 this morning, but unfortunately i am not too quick at that time so i just went back to sleep. now i want to cry. really. i'm like WHY! WHY did i have to go back to sleep! i am kicking myself. last night however we had some pretty good sex. it was kinda quick cuz we were both exhausted but the ending was pretty good, i also told keith i loved him. it felt very nice to finally say it. but i am glad i waited. i would have prefered not being on a break when i said it but it needed to be said and i think i would have gone crazy if i didnt tell him soon. besides i think the break is just cuz he doesnt want to say he has a girlfriend or whatever. like he just prefers to say he is seeing someone. commitment phobic or whatever. for good reason though
why did i have to go back to sleep
i did get a little upset cuz w/ nikki he is all affectionate and everything and it's like see i know you can do it. lol. i watched him practice softball. he is pretty good, he can hit the ball really far and that's sexy. he looks really good in the outfit he was wearing too, it was just those windpants things from adidas and a tshirt but he looked sexy. it's like how can he think he's fat? but then again most of the time i think i am fat so i dont know.

i need to call down to the college and see if they will let me pay a little late if i show them proof of my income. i doubt it but my old school did so i dont know. but that wasnt in chicago. well the old community college.

i want to own my own house so bad. but i know it will be forever before that happens and it pisses me off. i want to be able to paint and do home improvement stuff and whatever i want. i cant even hang curtains right in this apartment cuz the walls are concrete. i am just feeling frustrated, plus i dont have any room which this apartment really is a good size for me but i want to get a kingsize bed and i dont have room for it. not that i need a kingsize bed but they are only like 200 bucks so why not. i also want to save up for a house on the beach or something. i have a LONG way to go for that though.

we went to see collateral last night. that was an awesome movie.

well keith is on his way to pick me up. he seems crabby, i think it's because he has already decided i am going to be crabby w/ him all weekend, cuz i was feeling bad from eating a chicken potpie. i need to get back to the shakes, i just feel so heavy eating all this bad food. i can not wait til tuesday and thursday yoga and wednesday pilates, ya know i always get up for pilates. it's amazing. i have a feeling i won't be getting any this weekend. that makes me sad. but i'm still gonna try....shamelessly. sunday keith has softball practice and then has to fight traffic to take me home, that does not make for a good getting some environment. i wonder if keith doesnt want to hang out so much cuz he feels pressure to have sex w/ me so much. or i could just be over analyzing as usual. i think since i am adding that weight routine (which as i found out this morning, hits all the spots i want to hit) that i will really start to see some changes in my muscle tone soon. damn i was gonna say something but i got distracted by one of those commercials where 2 guys are on the phone and they are singing their conversation. those crack me up. i am so easily amused. oh yeah, i was going to say that i love the way my muscles feel. i remember how much i loved my legs in highschool when i played soccer. i mean my skin is soft but when i can feel my muscles and can see them working, (not buff but just lean) i just think it's amazing. cuz it's like that's my body working and doing what god (or whatever) made it to do. that's the mechanics of it and from art and studying the human form and muscle groups it's amazing to see the definition (not that i have much at the moment) sometimes i am just amazed by my body. or anyone's for that matter. and the fact that your body will do what you tell it to, is just amazing. i mean when i am doing pilates or lunges and i see my muscles it's like ohmigod i have come so far and that's what all my hardwork was for. well anyway i dont know what the point of that was i just needed to get it out there. lol.

i am so sore, but it feels good, i think i might stretch some, i didnt go to msc this morning, i was too wiped out and sore to get out of bed. lame i know. it did feel good sleeping in til 845 though. i need to clean and then get outside and do some things. i really don't have anything to say right now. i can't believe i have not been eating good this week. maybe i am an emotional eater. not that i eat when i am depressed but when i am depressed i just dont eat right. i do know one thing though i am going to check and see if that iud thing is hormonal or what, and if it's not then next month i am getting on that shit cuz i am not taking orthotricyclen any more, that shit is messed up.

ya know i dont know if me and keith are meant to be together. i have no clue how long it's going to last, the only thing i know is that when i am around him, it's like my whole body just sighs, and everything is better. and no matter how mad at him i am i still want to be near him. and it really sucks (especially for someone w/ a couple of rejection issues) that every day he makes the decision not to be w/ me. or at least doesnt make the decision to be w/ me. i know why but that doesnt make it any easier. i don't know maybe i am just too fucked up to deal w/ a relationship. cuz when we are together or even now, i get to the point where i feel so insecure, and there's no reason for it. i have nothing to be insecure about. (i know it sounds conceited) sure i am crazy and hard to deal w/ but most of the time i am hard to deal w/ cuz i feel insecure. when me and keith were just friends it was fine. i never get like this w/ friends cuz it's on a different level. but someone that i am in a relationship w/ it's like i guess i just can't handle the intimacy of it or whatever it is w/o some sort of affirmation that the feelings are the same, but considering i dont exactly tell him how i am feeling how can that be returned. i think that is part of the whole problem. i know i hold back. at first i didnt. but i know i do now and that makes me feel awful. maybe if we both told each other everyday exactly how we feel about eachother that would help. ya know maybe it actually would. i was just joking but if you think about it all couples go through that stage right, where they are all lovey dovey and disgusting about how they feel about one another and it's great if you are in it. but me and keith never had that so maybe that is part of the problem. who knows there are so many things that are part of the problem it's overwhelming. alright enough of this it's late and muscle sculpting and conditioning is going to be waiting bright and early tomorrow.

well i got my business cards today and i put them up at 10 different locations. going to put them up at 10 more tomorrow. i also applied at a restaurant to be a waitress. i will probably apply at a few more tomorrow. i need some fast cash to invest in advertising and groceries lol. or at least laundry. i hate doing laundry by hand. well actually i hate most things that involve cleaning, except the end product of course. so i think i am going to add weight lifting on wednesdays and then add the hip hop class on tuesdays and thursdays. unless a job prohibits me from doing the hip hop. but if i do add weights to wednesdays all i really need to do is chest, back, arms, and legs, that's not too bad. it should take me less than half an hour. maybe 15 minutes at the most. not bad at all. plus hip hop will get me some cardio since we aren't doing bootcamp at the moment. and if i play soccer on sunday mornings. but who knows about that. i could always add another day of pilates on sunday and something else on saturday. i really feel like exercising again. like stretching or something. i really liked yoga today. it was hard though.

i got my business cards today so i can go out and get some work done. yippy.

i worked out twice today, did some yoga in the morning, came back and passed out and then got up and did some weight training. this week i have been starving. due to my own lazy self. cuz i go back to sleep when i get home and then i dont have time to eat 3 meals a day so i have been only eating 2 and none of them have been shakes. so tomorrow i am not going back to bed. i might work out twice from now on. cuz i really need to improve my muscle tone. especially in my chest. i want my good boobs back. i think i have a customer at the gym. that will be soooo awesome. and i am going up to the psychic today and getting her to buy some stuff and i am going to go and put out my business cards everywhere. i am seriously thinking about soccer in the fall. but i am a wuss and that's alot of running that i am no where near in shape for. ya know in brazil (and i am sure other places) on the mens soccer teams the starters run w/ their back ups on their back. like carrying them. that is crazy! i am still bummed cuz i dont really have a blog that i love yet.

marisa told me that ray said i was getting too skinny when he saw the pic of me and her. i still want to finish toning up though. and yesterday ross said i was looking thin.

seriously though if one more person says i am lazy i am going to tell them to fuck off. i dont care if it's my grams. i mean seriously between that and everything else it's like dude, dont you people think for one second that maybe i know my faults and that i like who i am and when i decide i dont like something about me i can change it and dont constantly need to be told i am lazy. now ribbing from friends is fine, especially when i am being lazy and i know it. but when i hear that someone is commenting on how lazy i am to someone else it's like what the fuck, i dont do that to people. i am probably making a big deal out of nothing cuz it was probably said in a harmless way and just stating facts and not being judgemental but still. it's like get over it. some people are lazy and some arent. and if you have to bitch about it then either 1. you are lazy yourself and dont want to admit it or 2 you wish you were me. lol or it's a combo of both. so anyway.

it's less than a month til my bday. awesome. and it's even closer to the time when i get my last big check for 4 yrs. that makes me sad. it's bitter sweet. sweet cuz i am gettin money and i can go shopping. sad cuz i have to get a job cuz i wont be able to bail myself out once or twice a yr. lol.

it really stresses me that i dont know what i want to do. especially now when i am already stressed about money. at least the stress about money will only last one month though. it sucks though cuz if i would have waited to start herbalife i would be fine for this month. not that i am regretting starting this, it just wasnt the best timing but then again i never have the best timing. oh well time to stop whining and get working.

i am going to have to ask keith how he got to the point where it just didnt matter if he has sex or not. i mean is it just his age or what, cuz it's getting worse. i hate sex today. and men. well i dont hate them they just suck. for no other reason than it's gonna be awhile until i get some. and i want a boyfriend but that aint gonna happen. at least as long as i want keith to be that boyfriend. i think the weather is starting to depress me too. i am pretty gloomy today. seriously though if i take care of it myself i just want it more. i need to return those books so i quit thinking about it. or at least only read them on the weekends when i can put what i learn into practice.

went to pilates today, it was good. we worked the saddlebag area the most today, which is what i need to work as ross so nicely pointed out this morning. lol. tomorrow we are going to yoga. it's supposed to be an intense kind of yoga so i probably won't last long. lol. oh well. we did this goofy stretch in pilates today. you start out laying down on your stomach, then you go up on your hands and then put one knee forward and the foot of that leg across your body so it is underneath the opposite ribs then you go down on your elbows, then (lets say you have your left knee up and your left foot under your right ribs) you would put your right arm through the space between your left arm and knee and then you take your left arm and put it up and around your back and grab your left big toe. lol. i could actually do it. it was hard to get my right arm through my left but after that it was a piece of cake. but trying to get out of it....now that was another story. lol. and then ya gotta do the otherside. who comes up w/ this stuff. i want to try pilates on the machine cuz she held onto a band today and let us grab the ends of it and we did it that way for a bit and it was really fun.

i seriously can not wait til september. it's gonna be weird though. cuz i will be 22. i just got used to being 21. lol. oh well. i am excited to go and see cheryl and my aunt and my neice and everybody else. plus i will be in school and making money w/ herbalife and i will be busy. i might do a fall women's soccer league. that would be cool. but i dont know. i can't wait to see how many inches i am going to lose this week. i am also thinking of starting another blog but i am not sure if i want to make it public right away. i might not even start another one, just something i thought of yesterday.

me and ross 

well i am pretty pumped up about my biz again. i talked to dr. a. and well i really didnt have much to tell him. he thought it was "odd" that me and keith are basically boyfriend and girlfriend but he won't commit. but well so do i. but we both know why. he is happy that everything is going so well. and that i am determined to get through english 2 this semester and that i am only going to take 2 classes so i can get through it.

i had to take care of myself this afternoon and damn if i didnt do a good job. lol. i couldnt help it, i was thinking of how good keith is at b & d and i got all hot and bothered. lol. i'm kinky i know but i can't help it. although i never would have known there was a term for what i liked if i wouldnt have picked up sextrology. that's a good book.

oh and i am broke :-( but that's ok. i just got a months worth of food for 27 dollars and i have 10 bucks left when that runs out.

oh and the doc said that the reason i probably didnt get the job at the hotel was because someone felt threatened that i might take their job and that's funny that he said that cuz the manager is the one that didnt like me but her boss did. ya know the last thing i would want would be to be manager, i just wanted something to get me some cash. ya know what i also havent gotten my check from that damn mortgage company. that will be sweet cuz that's another like 20 bucks for food. good deal.

i missed my yoga class. i am pissed. my alarm didnt go off. I can't wait til the 19th so I can sign up for some classes. i am definitly going to sign up for psychology. so i just need to figure out another one to take. probably english 2 for the 3rd time. i hate english 2 but i gotta do it. so i might as well get it out of the way. i quit going both times cuz it was just so fucking boring. a few weeks ago i told keith i wouldnt live w/ him but i was lying well not really lying but stretching the truth. lol. if he wanted to move in w/ me i would let him. i just said it cuz we were fighting all the time and i figured he would not want to live w/ me anyway. plus i think it was right after we went on our break so it's like why would i let him live w/ me. but i would if he wanted to. so anyway. nothing much going on. i can't wait to get my cards in the mail. yesterday i did not drink my shakes. i had ribs twice. that is the one really bad thing about being me. lol. if i find something i like to eat i want to eat it nonstop. but i have a shake in the freezer now. i need to find a new blog to read everyday. i also need to get my hair cut and dyed and some new clothes. i have nothing to wear to class i am going to look like how i did when i started going to harrington. all baggy clothes. oh well i am not going to need to impress anyone but i dont want to look bad either. well i am going to read my books.

alright i know my other posts were really long but tough it's my blog. i ended up going to the bookstore. it was soooo wrong. but i couldnt help it. alright anyway. i started getting jealous over the ex-babysitter again so i made keith tell me about how nothing happened again. poor keith. the stuff he has to put up w/. but at least i wasnt screaming and yelling at him cuz he drove her around, see i am not that bad of a girlfriend or not girlfriend or fuck buddy or whatever i am. but anyway before i talked to him i was so thinking i need to move to wisconsin so i can have sex everyday. lol. i think i might be addicted. this sucks. i can not wait til yoga tomorrow i am sooo sore today i need a day of relaxing yoga. yeah i thought we were gonna do upper body weights today so yesterday i was like no problem when i could barely move my legs after sex, but oh no we had to do the msc class today. i wanted to die cuz we did the donkey kick things and those work your glutes which were killing me already. i got 3 books, a teach yourself tantric sex book, Life is too short for tantric sex, and release the seductress within. can you tell what's on my mind? i need a rabbit. oh but the life is too short for tantric sex book has how to do this one position that keith wanted to try but we couldnt exactly figure out how to move once we were in position so now i know. life is good.

well marisa and steph came up saturday and we hung out w/ ross and his roommate jamie for awhile. i asked jamie to go to tango w/ me cuz he does stuff like that. i think we all had fun. and then keith came over on sunday. he saw one of my fat pics and he was like what made you gain so much weight. i was like i was a lard ass!! lol. we had so much fun. at least for me. i mean we flirted w/ each other all day, teased each other, laughed. and had amazing (and when i say amazing i mean AMAZING) sex. and he held my hand. lol. i am so easily pleased. it was for like half a block but it made me feel better. and he let me lay on him in the theater through out the whole movie. of course i am sure it didnt hurt that i distracted him through half of it w/ my hand down his pants. lol. ya know it's all about compromise. lol. ya know it's so nice that when it comes to sex he just throw's something new in there and i dont even have to ask for it. he just out of no where adds something good. even if i get sore or am tired it's so good i dont want to quit and when i think i couldnt possibly have another orgasm he goes and does it again. i didnt even bother trying to keep count. i wish i knew how we could have days like yesterday all the time. where it's fun and we are just happy to be w/ eachother. i mean even when i got jealous of him giving a ride to his ex babysitter on his bike it was still like whatever. i mean i was jealous but it didnt matter. it was just light and fun and i dont know why we can't have more days like that. i dont know i mean i was pretty pissed in the morning but as soon as i saw him it didnt matter any more and it was just like every thing was good. i mean i do have alot of negative thoughts i guess cuz it's like i dont know if i can trust him. i mean i did but now it's like i am not sure anymore and i know i am being silly when i dont trust him and make a big deal out of nothing but it's like well he doesnt know if he wants to be w/ me so what's to stop him from going out w/ someone else. but even if he does i know i will find someone else and be happy w/ someone else. i am just paranoid of going through all that again. so i guess i am magnifing every thing else to the point that i can't see the signs that say he wont do that. but at the same time i dont want to be blind ya know. well anyway. i have the urge to go to the bookstore. that's not a good thing. i need to find a way to make some fast cash. not alot just a little to last through the month until i get paid from herbalife. i also need to get stuff going so i can advertise for herbalife too and so i will actually have something to be paid next month.

My Trip to the Psychic

well she said that i need to be my own boss, and that i dont like taking orders from anyone and that keith likes me and wants to be w/ me but he is confuse and someone is whispering in his ear when he isnt with me. and that he is not happy right now and was hoping i would make him smile and be happy but my energy isnt making him happy like he thought i would (the fighting). and that in a past life i was married to someone who was a royal and we were married for 10 yrs and had one kid and that this evil bitch wanted him but he picked me and she cursed me to find love and happiness but then it will always slip through my fingers. and then the guy killed himself. and she said that i have had alot of jealous women in my life. and that i try to give to people and take care of people and be good to people but it is never returned and that because of this woman i have a bad energy surrounding me and it will cost 500 bucks to fix it. lol. she was pretty accurate but i doubt it had anything to do w/ her "psychic ability" she just knows how to read people. but it's all good. it was fun. she also said that i shouldnt make a decision about keith now and that i should be patient w/ him which of course saturday morning i was on the verge of making a decision. but that is not why i didnt make the decision it was just weird that she told me not to. oh and i did not tell her anything, i kept my mouth shut cuz i wanted to see how good she was. oh and she said that within 4 or 5 months i should know what i want to do w/ my life and she so called it when she said that i am in a good profession now but i have no idea what i want to do. and that i will have 2 or 3 kids and one will be a very important person and one will be someone who helps people like a dr or a lawyer. and she said that i have not met my soul mate yet but i dont need to marry my soul mate and that a very handsome man is going to come into my life. she asked if i met a very handsome man and i said yes. and she was like good. she also said there was going to be another heartbreak in my life but she didnt want it to be w/ keith. i cant think of anything else she said but there was alot. oh and she said the reason keith was unhappy was cuz a relationship in his past hurt him.

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)New experiences are even better when you go out looking for them. Your mind is open, and so is your heart. Indulge in your favorite art form and let it move you. Discover something that you've been meaning to try but haven't had time to yet. This is a time that great things can happen, and opportunity could be knocking at your door. A gem of a discovery could lie barely concealed within a familiar process. Do your research and dig deep beyond the surface level.

this is my horoscope for today. the weird thing is marisa called me earlier and her and stef are coming up and i am going to go and get a tarot reading done cuz i have been wanting to do that forever but never have ( i know i am a sucker but who cares it's just for fun) and we are gonna walk around a bit so she can get whistled at and then we are gonna crash. i am feeling much better now. but i am still tired.

i am getting pretty pissed at keith. cuz he hasnt called me all day and it doesnt look like he is going to. well guess what he said he might come down today and he would see if he could. well the last 2 times he said he would see if he could come down and didnt come he didnt fucking call. so whatever. that's stupid. i deserve better than that shit and just sitting here waiting for his call. it's nonsense. he is fucking blowing me off so whatever. i am getting pretty tired of sitting here waiting for him to decide if he loves me or if does if he is gonna do anything about it. yeah i could call him but he is the one who is working all day today.i dont want to bug him, and now i am too pissed to. if i call him i am just going to have attitude or whatever. i wonder if the next weekend he has free if something else is going to come up and he cant hang out all weekend. i am getting pretty sick of having to wonder if he gives a shit. he says he does but his actions are saying something completely different. who would like going through this shit. i am sick of having all my friends think i am stupid and reminding me that i am not in a relationship. i hate that they have to. i hate that the one guy i want doesnt want me. and if i say any of this to him he is just gonna be like fine then dont be w/ me well i am getting to the point where that's the way it's gonna be. cuz i am not happy w/ it the way it is. i gave him a month and he hasnt even thought about it. i mean that says something about where i am on his list of priorities. about how much he cares about what he is putting me through.

well marisa did change her mind and we did go out. obviously from the pics. well when she was on the train i got the brilliant idea to invite Ross cuz i remember he had called last weekend and invited me to the movies but i wasnt home and i figured if he didnt have any plans we could all have a good time. and we did. of course Marisa and Ross got along great. which was awesome. i knew they would but still ya never really know. and then we went to the red head piano bar which was way too crowded and ross couldnt even get in so we went to excalibur and then we went to bar chicago where marisa picked up jose and me and ross sat around talking. Jose told marisa that he was looking for someone to procriate w/. lol. ohmigod. that's bad. so jose went adios. we all had a great time. marisa is ready to do it again next week. i was like sweet. this morning i woke up w/ a pounding headache and i didnt even drink that much. all i had was one shot w/ marisa and then 3/4 of a beer that i bought to chase the shot down w/. but i think it was more from my boots and lack of sleep than anything.

it is a sad day here, i have to get rid of my boots. they are too big. marisa is a lucky lucky woman. she let me borrow that pink sweater last night and i was like sweet. i like that we can trade clothes like that. it's fun. i am keeping my boots though until fall. cuz hopefully then i can find a replacement pair. it is a sad day indeed

plans for today: sleep. actually i think i will go and rent a movie and get some chocolate and lay down w/ a book. maybe a romance novel. i feel in the mood for some romance.

Me and Marisa, doesnt that shirt look good on her. I think so. And her hair is awesome, makes me realize I need to get my hair dyed again.  

This is me, Marisa, and Ross after we pigged out on some bbq ribs and chicken at the Chicago Rib House. Good times. Good times 

this day sucks, i can't wait til marisa gets here and we go eat ribs. this whole weekend sucks and it hasn't even started yet. Damn i am in a pissy mood.

well marisa and ray got into a HUGE fight and she kicked his sorry ass to the curb (basically he threatened her w/ physical violence) well she was going to come up here and we were going to go out but she is too sad. :-( so that sucks. maybe she will change her mind but i dont know. i want to cheer her up but i know sometimes ya just need to go into your cave and be alone. but i am here for her when she is ready. in the mean time i think i will just go out by myself. I have heard 2 good reviews about the chicago rib house in the last week so i am heading over there to get some ribs. mmmm. ribs. i hope they dont make their sauce w/ alcohol. mmmmmm ribs. and fries and coleslaw. mmm ribs. getting hungry yet? lol. mmm ribs.

i have been reading alot of stuff about herbalife today. none of it is good. alot of people are bitching cuz the products are expensive, but they arent expensive at all. they are just the same as anywhere else. and it saved me a ton on groceries (well except the face products but they are the same as department store prices) one person was like oh well you can get a diet shake for 15 bucks at the grocery store. well it's not for a 30 day supply of shakes and that shit is nasty herbalife's shake is not or i wouldnt drink it and i sure as hell wouldnt sell it. i like the products, i know for a fact that at least w/ the niteworks they are not stretching the truth or making false promises because it has nitric oxide in it and i did plenty of research about that for keith a few months ago. and i know they dont lie when they say the shake taste's good or that the herbal concentrate gives you energy and i know they dont lie about the aloe juice too (marisa takes a different brand of it and it helps her out alot) so i doubt they are lying about anything else. maybe the fat blocker but they say you can put it in water w/ some oil and watch it work. and i dont know about the cellulose stuff but i know department stores that sell that same kinda crap. my mom used to buy some from famous. plus it doesnt claim to get rid of cellulite just improve the appearance, which i am sure it does. because it probably has some tightening agent in it to help tighten and smooth the skin people are just bitter and ignorant. the thing that made me worry though was all the shit about the mlm but marisa's parents raised her doing that stuff and marisa know's alot about it and she wouldnt tell me it was good if it wasnt. she says people who say it's a pyramid scheme are ignorant and uneducated. so there :-P i am going to ask dr. a. his opinion though. just to be safe. lol. oh and there's a new receptionist chick once in awhile and i dont like her. i was all i want to make an appointment to speak to the dr over the phone and she was like ok when would you like to come in and i was like no i want to talk to him over the phone. she was all he wont do that. in a really snotty tone and i was all he'll do it for me. and so she grudgely took my info down and i was like i am sure he will do it for me if not he can cancel it. and she was like well he doesnt normally do that. in afore mentioned snotty tone, and then i said just as snottily maybe even more so (actually definitly more so cuz i knew i was right and she was WRONG) he does it for me! lol oh well it was funny. so anyway. i am off to eat ribs. ribs ribs ribs ribs. mmm ribs

i feel stupid! but i dont want to talk about it now


i need a hug and to get laid. :-(

oh another thing, cuz yesterday in the morning keith was like oh well i will see if i can come down. well at 830 he finally im's me and it's like dude it would have been nice to know if you were still coming or not. so it's like ok from now on if you can come down fine come down and surprise me. if not or you dont know for sure then dont mention it. or at the very least call me as soon as you know.

i am officially cranky from lack of sex. lol. but it's ok i am still in a good mood. at least every other second. then i remember how long it's been and how long it will be.... it is just frustrating cuz he was supposed to be getting all this stuff done for the last month and it's like what the heck has he been doing. and then it's like ok well why can't he spare a little bit of time for me. and i think i know why i "treat him better" in chicago than in wisconsin. cuz in wisconsin he is being pulled in a thousand directions and i just sit on the couch and keep myself busy til he is done and notices i am still there. where as in chicago, he doesnt have anything to do or anybody to see so he pays me more attention and there for treats me better. lame i know. it's just a theory. i dont notice that i treat him different but apparently i do. i dont know it's not really a big deal, i just make it one i guess. at least when it seems like he just doesnt want to talk to me or he doesnt have enough time for me. oh well i am sure it will be the other way around once my business starts going. but anyway

yall would be soooo proud of me. this morning i displayed a whole new level of self-discipline. i was sleeping sooo good when the alarm went off and i was thisclose to going back to sleep. i turned off my alarm and was talking myself into staying in bed but then out of no where i heard a voice "winners are motivated by results not comfort" it was a big scary voice saying it over and over. when it finally stopped i was feeling guilty about staying in bed but...then i was still going to. and i remember that ross wasnt going to be a wuss and stay in bed that he had to get up and go. so up i went. awesome huh...and the best part, i am not even done yet. ross did not show up ( i hope he is ok) and instead of going home and crawling back into bed i climbed those stairs and worked really hard in my msc class. it burned!! but i liked it. and then i came home and got in the shower. and after breakfast i am gonna ride this wave self-discipline and motivation and i am going to get the free internet advertising done and i will get my flyers printed up and i will get them distributed and i will print out my surveys. it's gonna be a good day. why? because i am motivated by results not comfort (lol. alright stop laughing it's not that funny)

oh and i can't go back and read the archives of the woman's blog cuz she doesnt have any. i'm so sad. oh and i am changing one of my goals. the read for an hour everyday after work, i am still going to read but sometimes it will be self improvement, just not self improvement that will help me with work ;-D cuz i have quite a few sex books that need to be read. well at least 2. so anyway. i am off to start my day.

well keith said he would call me later but of course he never did. i hate that. marisa does that to me all the time. but then again i am sure i tell people i will call them and forget. i tell my grams that all the time. maybe it is karma getting me back. oh well. so i doubt i will talk to keith tonight either. that's nice. sometimes it's like why is he even w/ me or why does he even want a girlfriend. but i dont know. i want him to get everything he needs done but it seems like it's never ending. something else always pops up. i guess it doesnt really matter. i know i will talk to him eventually and i dont need to talk to him all the time. i guess i just got used to talking to him at night. i dont know i know it's not why but it feels like he doesnt want to talk to me or that he is avoiding me. i mean if he is that's silly cuz he doesnt need to avoid me unless he just doesnt want to talk to me. but i know that's not the way it is. he is just busy. but anyway

i just found out my favorite blog is no more. the woman is no longer posting. i am sadden by this. i looked forward to reading it everyday. now nothing. oh well i guess i could go back and read the archives.

well keith called just as i hit publish on the last post. apparently we have to wait til sunday to hang out. that sucks. i am pretty disappointed but oh well. he has a lot of shit that he needs to do. although i do wish i wasnt getting pushed aside all the time, he does have to get his stuff done. it will give me more time to work on my stuff too. and i guess i can go to the gym on saturday to make up for not going twice this week. i slept in today cuz ross wasnt going so i felt like catching up on my sleep. it was nice. i also had to run to best buy and pick up a few things.

i lost 4 lbs!!! i am excited and i lost over an inch on my tummy since monday. this stuff is awesome. didnt talk to keith at all yesterday. talked to my grandma for 2 hours though. Marisa is doing her own homebased business now. it's pretty awesome. it's all about jewelry and stuff and she gets a shit load free. and she only paid a dollar to start it up. i was like damn! that's sweet. I can't wait til i get some customers so i can see them lose weight and help them be happy. i am so corny but i like where i can help someone out and make their life a little bit better. and i know just cuz someone's overweight doesnt mean they are unhappy but i am saying the people who want to lose weight cuz it is so tough, especially if there's no one to support you and no one to help you out. that's why most people do better w/ meetings cuz there are other people that are going through the same thing. i just couldnt do the meetings. but anyway. i went to aldoshoes.com and made a wish list of all the shoes and purses and coats that i want and then i emailed it to myself so i will have some goals to get to. if i sell 10,000 volume points this month my profit for the first month of working will be 1300 bucks cuz i am only at 25%. at least i hope that was at 25%. if it was at 50 then i am screw. lol. oh well that's still 650 more than what i would have other wise and next month it will be double. plus i will have people under me at that point so it will be even more. i am going to put alot if not all of it back into advertising. i might buy myself something pretty. lol. ooohhh maybe i will buy a pair of shoes off my wish list. and then put the rest back into advertising.