well considering i have been up since 4 and it doesnt look like i am going to be able to fall asleep any time soon, here i am. i just took another nyquil even though i am actually feeling much better than yesterday and shouldnt be having a problem sleeping from my "cold." I am exhausted.

well talked to keith some more last night but it didnt do any good or anything. He kept saying that i was bitching and nagging him as soon as he got home, and telling him all these reasons i was mad at him. first of all, he called me, and second of all instead of saying i missed you or how are you feeling the first thing he said was are you mad at me. now how else did he want me to reply, i wasnt going to just jumped down his back and start bitching at him, and he says i am just making stuff up and that that's all i do, i sit here and make shit up and over analyze, ok i do over analyze sometimes, but it's like that's all i have to go on, and it's like i do not sit here and make shit up. if everything is going good then it's going good, if he says something that upsets me then i get upset, he is saying that i have all these demands and before i didnt have any expectations and now i do. bull shit, all i am asking for his for him to treat me the way he did before we started going out. and he says i can't live day by day like he does, well considering he also turned around and said that i am sitting here not wanting to think about the things in the future that are going to cause us to break up what the hell am i supposed to do. do i think about the future or do i live day by day, i am trying to live day by day and that is what has me so fucked up because i dont know from one day to the next if he is gonna be w/ me. as soon as i do start to feel secure something happens and it throws me off balance, ya know i did want to see him really bad last night after he said he wanted to come down, but did he end up coming down. no. if he wanted to so bad why didnt he. he says it's cuz i was bitching at him as soon as he got home, well ya know why did he have to ask if i was mad if he couldnt handle me telling him i was mad why couldnt he just come down if that's what he wanted and show me that he wanted to spend time w/ me and be w/ me. this just makes it seem even more like he doesnt want to be w/ me. it's like he is just punishing me for being mad, i was gonna come down but since you are acting like this now i am not. what the fuck is that. like he is wanting an excuse not to come down so he says or asks the things that are going to give him that excuse. now i dont know when we are gonna see each other again, i have no idea. and that has me stressed out too. i just want to fucking go to sleep, and i want to have sex, and i want to fucking eat, and feel better and not have to worry about if i am being jerked around. that's all i fucking want. how is it that hard to give me that if he's not just jerking me around? why is it that he has permission to read my journal and yet he only uses it for evil. he doesnt use it to see my side or put himself in my shoes or to see why i am mad or hurt, he just uses it to give himself proof that i dont want to be w/ him, would i be this upset because he doesnt want to spend time w/ me if i didnt want to be w/ him. how is it that 2 people who are supposedly communicating honestly can't get on the same page, i know i am communicating honestly what i want. i mean how can i get any clearer when i tell him i dont feel secure in the relationship and i need to feel secure and that i dont care what he does to make that happen as long as it does, when i say he needs to be more affectionate that is just me trying to give some solutions to the problem, he doenst have to do it if there is some other way we can get the same results and he is more comfortable fine be my guest. but he asks me what i want him to do or what he is supposed to do so i give him something. he tells me to go one way and i go that way and then he tells me i am wrong and i should have gone the other way and i should have known to go the other way and he never told me to go that way to begin w/ and i am just making it up that he said to go that way. i am still so stressed i dont know what to do but i dont know what else to put in here that i havent already and that i would make me feel better.