crazy nyquil induced rambling

Oh I also forgot to add earlier that I had taken an allegra and 4 tylenol and some nosespray, and had a hot bath (not all at once) and none of it worked, and it just got worse, which is why I ended up going to the emergency room cuz I couldn't stand it any longer and I was seriously stressed out but they didn't give me anything at all. ya know I hate medicine I really do, I hate tylenol, I always wait it out to the last second to take it, I hate nyquil cuz it makes my arms numb or like now doesn't even work, I only ask for it if I really need it, and right now I really need it. And I can't fucking sleep at night but I can't get anything for that either, the one guy was saying something about giving me valium and I told him no I don't want something like that can I get something that is not as addictive and something just to make me calm down a little when the stress gets really bad but the fucking attending said no. And the fucking attending was going to give me something for my sinus infection but for some reason changed his mind, I mean I don't even drink that much and I have never done pot at all. The only reason I even fucking asked for something for the stress is because I just want to fucking be able to fall asleep, I want to be able to stop feeling like I am suffocating. I even said I don't want that much just something that would help until the buspar started to work (which will take a month) which I don't even want to be on buspar again but I figured maybe I will be able to finish school if I am taking something for anxiety so I let them write me a prescription. But that's not going to help anything for a whole month. Well in a whole month I doubt I will be this fucking crazy from stress. I am a bit emotional right now if you can't tell, it's been a very long, trying day and me and Keith have been fighting. I was so stressed out about how sick I was and I had myself so fucking worked up about all this different shit earlier and I had calmed down a lot since I went to the hospital but now it's like what the fuck I took a nyquil at 6 and it's now 8 and I don't feel any better, or at least I don't seem to, thankfully I don't feel any worse so maybe if I hadn't taken any nyquil I would really be bawling my eyes out from the pain when right now I just want to cry from it. I think I am going to try another hot bath, I am getting a humidifier tomorrow along w/ some sudafed or tavist or anything I can fucking find and I am going to call dr. A. and see what he thinks about the buspar and maybe he can get me something to help me sleep. Of course not if I am taking nyquil, ya know I just want something for when it gets really bad. I mean people who don't have to go through this shit don't know what it's like, I mean my mind is racing a thousand miles a minute and it's just snowballing and nothing I do stops it and it's like a weight is sitting on my chest and the more I try to calm down the worse it gets, I try to meditate but it's like I get caught up in it all before I even realize it's happening and then it's just my head is going to explode. I mean if I couldn't have gotten ahold of marisa today I don't know what I would have done, I was panicking when I left a message on her phone and it was all from nothing. The only time I ever did this this bad w/ Kyle was when I caught him lying to me, and it always turned out I was right. I mean I have always gotten worked up at night about stuff. Like just laying there I would think about something stupid I did or said or something that I was embarrassed about that no one else would remember or care about but it would make me feel like I was suffocating and just like I was so stupid. But when I went to see dr. A. at first it was more for being depressed and not wanting to go to school and well not being able to sleep then either which was why I didn't go to school cuz I was up till 4 watching trauma life in the ER on TLC or something else like that cuz I couldn't sleep and then I would just pass out and not be able to get up in the morning. Not to mention I had stress from my then H. English 3 teacher which was my first class of the day. I don't know maybe I have always had panic attacks like this but never this many right in a row. I guess I should write them down so I know when I have them. I just feel like I am going crazy. This last week has just fucking drained me.