ya know i dont know if me and keith are meant to be together. i have no clue how long it's going to last, the only thing i know is that when i am around him, it's like my whole body just sighs, and everything is better. and no matter how mad at him i am i still want to be near him. and it really sucks (especially for someone w/ a couple of rejection issues) that every day he makes the decision not to be w/ me. or at least doesnt make the decision to be w/ me. i know why but that doesnt make it any easier. i don't know maybe i am just too fucked up to deal w/ a relationship. cuz when we are together or even now, i get to the point where i feel so insecure, and there's no reason for it. i have nothing to be insecure about. (i know it sounds conceited) sure i am crazy and hard to deal w/ but most of the time i am hard to deal w/ cuz i feel insecure. when me and keith were just friends it was fine. i never get like this w/ friends cuz it's on a different level. but someone that i am in a relationship w/ it's like i guess i just can't handle the intimacy of it or whatever it is w/o some sort of affirmation that the feelings are the same, but considering i dont exactly tell him how i am feeling how can that be returned. i think that is part of the whole problem. i know i hold back. at first i didnt. but i know i do now and that makes me feel awful. maybe if we both told each other everyday exactly how we feel about eachother that would help. ya know maybe it actually would. i was just joking but if you think about it all couples go through that stage right, where they are all lovey dovey and disgusting about how they feel about one another and it's great if you are in it. but me and keith never had that so maybe that is part of the problem. who knows there are so many things that are part of the problem it's overwhelming. alright enough of this it's late and muscle sculpting and conditioning is going to be waiting bright and early tomorrow.