I had a pretty damn good day. Jamie and I made up (including some rather decent make up sex, a large part of the problem might have been the condoms after all, but then again we always have good sex before we go to SWK) Then we went out for breakfast at South Water Kitchen. Everytime I eat that French toast I feel like I have just had the best and most thorough orgasm. Seriously, I am giddy and just want to fall asleep afterwards. Then we went to the bookstore and then home to take a nap. We ran into R. on the way home and said hi to her. After I got up out of bed I emailed w/ the guy from Craig's List. He's cool. I like someone who just comes out and asks direct questions. It keeps me on my toes. Plus it's even more fun to do it back. Eventually Jamie got his lazy butt out of bed (2 hours later, I guess I wore him out. lol) I tagged along with him to his parents house because he bribed me with steak. He grilled them! The food was so good. The best green beans I have ever had, really good salad(even though I didn't believe there was such a thing) scalloped potatoes and biscuits. I had 1 and a half T-bone steaks. I couldn't help myself. I was wishing the other food wasn't so good so I could eat more steak. Then we went and had icecream and I laid on the couch and read while Jamie and his dad fixed his bike. Then he came in and got all heated because some chick made her roof a green roof but she lives in the suburbs and drives every where and all the cars that are hybrids are still toxic because of the way they are manufactured. He had some great points. Like how Millinium Park is the largest green roof, but it's the roof of a parking garage. My favorite quote followed that statement. "A frosted piece of crap is still a piece of crap" Alright I need to pass out.

After I published the last post I went to talk to Jamie. He said that what I saw was an old search. I think that sounds a bit hard to swallow, but we have made up for now. I don't know if I can turn off the suspicion and doubts that are running through my head as easily. That's not his problem I know, it's mine. Once they get started though it's like Pandora's box and my mine can start to run away with me. I don't want to sit here and have to question everything. I know he is a great guy and very trustworthy, but I just don't know if I can be as relaxed about everything. I don't know if I believe that they were old searches that he didn't delete and that is where the seed of doubt is planted.

I ended up emailing back and forth with the guy until midnight. He seems really nice. It's all so weird I still don't believe it. It's really awful timing though. My plan is to be single and to relax and censcentrate on everything I want to do in life.

Jamie never responded to my email and last night he came home a little bit after I went to bed and started banging shit around. I went downstairs to ask him if it was necessary and if it was on purpose. He said he was just loud and didn't mean to wake me up. That's it, nothing else. That sucks. I would like to talk about it, but I am sick of him being pissed at me and not talking to me. It makes me feel like any intimacy we had together is gone because he can't talk to me when he's mad. The only person he has to be mad at is himself anyway. If he wasn't trying to hide anything then he wouldn't have gotten caught. I didn't care about the porn, it was his decision to hide it. I hope that we can still be friends because I really like him. He is such a great guy and he has treated me better than any guy I have been with and it makes me very sad that we're not going to be together any more. I miss him already.

OHMIGOD!!!

I have been emailing back and forth with this guy for 2 hours trying to figure out stuff about him so Lori and I could try and pick him out on Monday. It turns out I am the one the post was about and I remember him! I haven't looked on missed connections in about 2 weeks.



"I saw you twice today (Wed.)...Once sitting at the table around lunchtime, and once when I was on my way home around 4 pm. You smiled both times. Wow!! Thank you."

Isn't that sweet! I had to call L. to get Lori's number so I could call her!! We are freaking out right now!

An interesting event

I was browsing through the missed connections on Craig's list and there was one for my building. I looked at it of course and it said "saw you at table at lunch and then again when I was leaving around 4, you smiled both times" Lori gets off work @ 4 and when we eat lunch we both sit at the tables in the building instead of going somewhere else or in the breakroom like the security guards do. Plus I see all the people going into the building so I emailded the guy. He said he realized the girl works FOR (his emphasis not mine) the building so she is supposed to smile. I wrote him back saying that that doesn't mean she has to and asked if it was the blonde one. All the guys go crazy over her because she is so cute and funny. I am so excited I can't wait to tell her that some guy has a crush on her. I told her I love CL missed connections and she said her mom is obsessed w/ the Reader's personnal's and Lori mails them to her. This is going to be so funny! She gets hit on all the time. Yesterday it was a very hot Irish guy and we were still talking about it today. LOL, it definitely makes the day go by faster. Plus there is a guy at the shoe shine place named Cedric and he always comes over and tells us about the guys talking about the CSR girls. We just laugh and Lori always eggs him on by asking questions about the guys. He cracks us up.

I finally went and made an investment in my sanity today. I bought the rabbit. I am now getting ready to watch Sliding Doors and watch the sexy man that is John Hannah and have a little happy time.

Still haven't talked to Jamie, he didn't get home until 5:30 this morning and he hasn't emailed me back yet.

I applied at a clothing store today for a part-time job. I hope I get it. I also looked last night for volunteering abroad options. I found something in France for 6 months that looks interesting and something in Scotland. I really would like to go out w/ a guy who has a Scottish accent, but then I remember that they probably aren't circumcised and that grosses me out a bit. I think I could get over it though as long as the guy kept talking. Anyway, maybe instead of being a gypsy I will just volunteer abroad for awhile. Who the hell knows what I am going to do. I do know that I am going to check out Meetin.org and maybe find something to do this weekend or next week sometime. Also this woman today said I looked just like the woman in Dr. Shivago and I plan on renting that this weekend and Lori said she wanted to watch it with me. Time to get back to my movie.....

A New Template!.... a crazy, an old friend, and some bad news

It's just a start, but I think the template is coming along nicely. I took one of the pre-made templates and I am slowly but surely making it mine. This little bit; the picture, the link color, hover color, and visited color, plus adding a bit to the side bar has taken me an hour. I am a little slow, what can I say. I am also in the middle of making a big, juicy hamburger and some organic fries.

Grezina recieved her flowers yesterday and Ms. P. read her card w/o her knowing. Lori put on the card "We miss you and wish you were here with us. Love ya girl, Lori and Elisha" Ms. P. told R. (the conceirge in our building) that she didn't like the fact that we put "wish you were here with us" on the card. As if it's any of the bitch's business. We were just saying that we miss her. I think she was pissed because she only bought Grezina a croissant for secretary's day.

I got an email from Katisha today!!!! She is coming back soon and applying at my job. I warned her about it but we will see. I put in a good word for her. I really want to spend time w/ her when she comes up.

mmmmm organic fries are yummy, especially when combined w/ (anything but organic) sweet baby rays. mmmmmmmmmmmmm

On a sad note Jamie is in extremely deep shit right now. Like quicksand deep and he doesn't even know it yet. A few weeks ago he told me he was deleting all his porn off his computer. Now, I need to add that in no way shape or form did I ask him or imply that I wanted him to do that. I even told him, before we moved in together when we were setting up the rules and he said when the door's closed knock, that I thought that was a good idea because I didn't need to walk in on him spanking it and vice versa (although, it's usually a good thing when the guy catches the girl, the man in the boat always loves a party.) He has also made a few statements since then about having removed it from his computer. Yesterday or the day before I mentioned I wanted to go on his computer, when he wasn't home since he is working nights, to look at the pictures he took and he had a huge shit fit. He refused to let me go on there saying that he was really private about that stuff and implied that I would be snooping. I got offended by that and told him if I wanted to snoop I could go in there any damn time I wanted when he wasn't home and snoop to my hearts content. Then today we went out to lunch and I mentioned emailing them to myself from his computer and he didn't seem to have any objections so when I got home from work I went in there. I was pretty excited because I could start working on my template, so I sat down and began to upload them all into my email. I finished up and started to close out my pages and I got down to his soulseek page that he had running when he went to work. I didn't really think anything of it because he is always downloading music so I went to minimize it and the word "porn" caught my eye. I did a double take because I didn't believe what I saw at first. However, there were quite a few titles there. Most of them involved Jenna Jameson, who I admit is hot. It's not the porn that I have a problem with. I know guys like to look at naked women. I like to look at naked women. Lori and I had this discussion yesterday about if a woman says she has never been turned on by the sight of another woman she is lying. Hello, do I have to mention Angelina Jolie? There isn't a person on earth I would love to have sex w/ more than Angelina Jolie. Unless of course I could make the man up out of thin air, but since that isn't possible yet I am sticking w/ Jolie. Anyway, I digress. I do have a few problems w/ this though:

1. He made such a big deal about deleting it all.
2. The shit that Kyle put me through w/ the porn and the lying, and the fact that Jamie knows all about it and how much it hurt me.
3. He had naked pictures of me on his computer, yet he decided to download porn. Talk about a blow to my ego.

True, I don't look like Jenna Jameson. BUT I am his girlfriend, his flesh and blood girlfriend who is willing to fuck his brains out if only he was able to. I think I am in shock about it all, because I am not that mad. I am really hurt though. I am going to email him before I go to bed. I know he is going to be pissed that I went in there. I didn't think anything of it until afterwards though. I really thought that he knew I was talking about doing it tonight when I got home from work. The situation kind of sucks. I found it by accident. Although I did tell him about my sixth sense for finding out that stuff. He was forwarned. I guess he didn't believe me. I can't help it, it just falls into my lap. I knew something was up yesterday, but I let it go because I trusted him. After we stopped talking about it I didn't even think any more of it. I think that's the part that really sucks and that has me upset. It didn't even cross my mind that he was lying about the porn. Anyone else and I would have jumped on it immediately.

Lori and I finally got to start at our building yesterday! It was the best day ever! No more crazy people. We still have to deal w/ L. on a daily basis and that is pain enough, but at least it's only in the morning and that's it. Mimi's last day was today. I had no idea until she stopped by to drop her uniform at the cleaners in our building. I LOVE Mimi. The only bad part about my job now (besides still being apart of a bad company) is that we don't get the internet for work. Lori and I have such a blast. Yesterday after work I got on the wrong bus (stupid buses). The one I got on took me right by Old Navy so I took it as a sign and went to buy new clothes. I then decided I needed a new bra and went to Victoria's Secret. That was depressing. I should have stopped while I was ahead. It turns out that I still can't wear anything in there. After all the weight I have lost. Well that's not entirely true. I think it was more the type of bra I was trying to get into. I didn't realize that at the time though and I felt thoroughly deformed and pissed off. I came home and asked Jamie to take some pictures of me that would make me happy to be in my body. I knew if any one could do it my talented honey could. And he did..... So I finally have some sexy pictures of myself that I will try to put into a new template. The more revealing pictures will stay with me of course. :-D I don't think I exude sexuality in any of them, but they are nice to look at, especially considering I just touched up my make-up for work and took my hair down. He asked me why we didn't do that sooner and I told him it was because I always felt too good about myself, lol. I always said when I get a six pack I wanted to do it, but last night I needed some proof that I looked good now.
Over the last couple of days my room has been cleaned (numerous times) and my old apartment has been packed, moved, and unpacked. I also plan on starting to work out an hour a day instead of half an hour, but we will see. Maybe I will work out half an hour 3 times a week and an hour 2 times and work my way up.

I also started to reread my favorite book again. Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. The whole series is amazing. I have read the first book 3 times and the rest 2 (except the 5th one). I have been waiting on pins and needles for the last 2 or 3 years for the 6th one to come out. This is worse than waiting for a new season of the Sopranos. I got the first 4 after my mom died when I went to live with my grandma. It was so boring there I went to the bookstore and picked up the biggest book I could find. At 627 pages it wasn't nearly big enough so I bought the whole series.

I almost forgot tomorrow is secretary's day and Lori and I bought Grezina a bouquet of flowers that are going to be delivered at 2! We are so excited we can't wait.

I am so exhausted I am going to curl up in bed and read my book until about 8:30 or 9 and then I am going to pass out. I have stayed up past 11 for the last 2 nights. No more! I must get up and work out.

Here is a perfect example of the mind set of this office. Yesterday I was working on the FYI, a daily news information letter. Every day we put in a quote of the day and yesterday I was still a little pissed about being yelled at for the last few days so I picked this quote "Kindest is the oil that takes the friction out of life" -- Anonymous. Ms. P. didn't like that so she picked out the quote for today because it's more inspirational... "Winners concentrate on winning; losers concentrate on getting by." -- John C. Maxwell.
At least today Lori and I finally get to spend a whole afternoon training on our computer system at our building. Sometimes it's hard to be around so many winners.

I have been so depressed from work the last few days! I was telling Lori about it and she says she feels the same way. I am so tired of being yelled at like a dog that's about to get beat. If Norma yells at me again I am going to tell her that I am not going to take it any more. I am going to try to fill my time outside of work w/ stuff that I like to do. So that means no wrestling. The last thing I need is a job that's going to make me feel worse about myself. I emailed the volunteer director at Northwestern to see if I could volunteer there and I think I am going to try to start a book club since I have normal hours now. I need to figure out how to be happy and I need to do that before I get my bills paid off, or at least on my way to being happy. How can I be happy when my bills are paid off if I am not happy now? I need to relax. I am going to lighten up a little on my bills and take a little longer to pay them off and I am going to get out of the house more and try not to let everything get to me so much. It's just a job and the people who are making it miserable don't really matter. Grezina and Lori and a few others make it better and that is good enough

I forgot to mention the other day I was talking to Margo and she told me that Rachel yelled at her for the same thing that I got fired over, then admitted that she was wrong. And that was it. Margo didn't get fired. That pissed me off, but whatever.

Today sucked. I was supposed to go w/ Lori to check out places around our building, but I had to stay at the office so I could go through keys to see if any spares keys around the office matched L.'s filing cabinet. Lucky me. Supposedly I get to go tomorrow after my lunch appointment.

I can't wait until Saturday when I go to weigh in at my meeting. I hope that I have lost the 5lbs I need to lose in order to meet my weight and start the process of becoming a life time member. I doubt it will happen that fast because I have so little to lose, but a girl can hope.

I was in line to get on the bus for work this morning and a man let me go in front of him. He was cute, kind of looked like Keith. He was dressed in a black track suit w/ a white visor and a gold watch, bracelet and class ring. He looked good in it and it wasn't shabby or anything. He sat down next to me for a couple of stops until this older gentleman got on the bus. The younger guy moved to a seat diagonal from me so the older guy could sit down across from him. They obviously knew each other and started talking. Once their conversation stalled the older man started talking to me. He asked me if I worked as security in a corporate building. I told him what I did, and he knew exactly what it was. He also asked me if I liked it and told me about himself. He told me he hated liars and that he was 89 yrs old. That was remarkable considering how clear his mind was and also how he moved around. He asked me if I worked until 4. He also asked my name. When it was my stop I told him it was nice talking with him and I hoped to run into him again. I stood up and glanced at the younger man and I caught him telling the older man "nice job." LOL He was pretty cute. It was a little torturous when he was sitting next to me because I closed my eyes and thought about Keith and if it was Keith sitting there. That sucked. Even though he reminded me of Keith I am kind of hoping I run into him again.

Jamie went to his parent's house tonight and brought me back some flowers that he picked from his garden there and he arranged them in a vase for me. I thought that was really sweet of him. It looks really good too. I also bought a geranium today from a flower shop.

Mike is supposed to be back tonight. No more running around naked. That's a shame.

Wednesday Lori and I are supposed to be in our new building! No more Crazy#1 any more. Tuesday is lunch w/ wresting guy.

Yesterday had quite a few ups and downs. The bad part was that I got yelled at so much and for things I had no control over, that even as I was walking out of the office I was still getting yelled at. One of the things I was yelled at for was the fact that Sharonjoy was never at the hotel when N. tried to call her to see if she was interested in a manager's position. She went on about how she was never there or just stepped away from the desk when she called and that she was tired of waisting her time. Then after I called the hotel and talked to Sharonjoy and Margo (the high points of yesterday) N. asked me what Sharonjoy made over at the hotel. I told her I didn't know and she demanded that I asked Sharonjoy what she made and she didn't understand why I wouldn't do that. Then on my way home a guy started following me. I ended up walking to Jamie's work so this guy wouldn't follow me home. Then I watched Troy, which I loved and then passed out.

I am getting ready to go to a weightwatcher's meeting and actually sign up and buy some stuff. It's 2 miles away and I plan on riding my bike. I got an email from the wrestling guy, he thinks he can have me working by the end of the month! That would be nice because of the money, but I am still only 50% interested in the job. I think I am going to go to my apartment afterwards and try to clean again. Tomorrow I am hoping to hang out w/ Margo for a little bit and maybe go back to the zoo.

Today I started out in a great mood. It is Friday after all. However any happy mood I was in quickly deteriorated thanks to Crazy#2 who has started smoking again. It's odd that before she quit and now that she's started again she is a complete bitch, enough to rival Crazy#1, Ms. P. When C#2 quit smoking she was as sweet as can be. I have been yeld at probably 8 times today, just from her. Plus I have L. piling shit on top of me and making me call people she should be calling and C#1 has yelled at me too. I can kind of understand C2 being bitchy because C1 has been yelling at her all day for no reason, but there's no need to yell at me. Half the shit I am getting yelled at for is stuff that I knew nothing about. I can't wait til next week when Lori and I get to go to our building.

Today I was thinking that wrestling guys for money is kind of hookerish and I was thinking I wouldn't do it at all. I was mainly feeling this way because Jamie is still not talking to me I guess and I was thinking that I was going to take this job even if he didn't want me to because I need money. I felt like I was being pretty shallow because I was willing to risk a relationship just to get some money. Then I remembered Jamie is mad at me because jokingly I said I let him take pictures of that hooker after he told me no about taking this job. He was basically telling me he wasn't going to let me take this job and he was serious. The guy who would be my boss/pimp (jk about the pimp part) told me that I wouldn't have to do anything I don't want to do and that I would wear a sports bra and shorts when I wrestled these guys and there would be body guards. So I would be dressed and there would be no sex involved and there would be a bodyguard. If he isn't lying (which he probably is) then this job might be really good for a couple of months so I can get out of debt fast and on my way to finishing school and buying my house. I told Lori all about this job and I showed her the emails the guy has sent me. She said that she was surprised he actually seemed normal. I agreed w/ her. This morning she told me that if I liked it she would do it. That made me feel a little bit better cuz she isn't slutty or hookerish at all.

I am pretty damn tired today. I didn't even ride my bike to work, or get up to work out. I feel like I am going to go to bed when I get home.

I think Lori, Grezina, and I are going to go to the movies next Friday. I hope so. Tuesday is pay day!!!!!!

I just got a call from Jamie, looks like he is working late. Not just tonight, but tomorrow night too. Sounds a bit convenient. Looks like it's me and CSI.

I got to spend 2 hours in my building today. Lori and I had a meeting to go to. We learned all about the kickass fitness center that has memeberships for 27.50 a month that we won't get to use. I also didn't stay in my points range because I was freakin starving after I ate lunch. I ended up impulsing buy a huge bag of animal crackers (which is actually not too bad to snack on) and then I munched on them all afternoon.

Ok this is kind of funny.....on CSI (cuz I am a loser) the guy just asked "if your home alone do you lock the bathroom door?" he then said that it's human nature to not want to feel vulnerable. Hell I don't even close the door. Do people actually lock the door when they are home alone? Maybe I really am that lazy. lol

I am bored out of my mind! I am bored at work and I am bored at home. I definitely need to find something to do outside of work. All I do is watch CSI and then go to bed. I am thinking about joining that adventure club, but I won't be able to do that until October at the earliest. I am so bored I don't even have anything to write about. blah.

I finally rode my bike to work today! On the way back it was so windy and I was lucky enough to be riding right into it! That's okay though because I just got a better work out. I also tried staying in my points range for the first time in over a year. I did alright. After lunch I had met my maximum, but since I lifted weights this morning and rode my bike to and from work I get to add a few points. That gives me just enough for a light dinner. Go me I am getting back on track.

So I mentioned a possible second job to Jamie..... 100/hour to wrestle w/ men. LOL He got kinda mad. He said he could list a million reasons it was a bad idea. I asked him to go ahead and name some. He only came up w/ "it's shady." Now I could come up with more than that by myself, let alone if it was my girlfriend telling me about it. First on the list "because I said so bitch" smack! lol, jk. So we start to cook dinner (well I cook, he tells me all the crap I am doing wrong. You know Ross, just like you used to do to him) He starts getting pissy and eventually, after we eat he just keeps going on. I told him that he's just looking to start a fight and I walk upstairs to my room. I wonder what he's going to do when I tell him I called a gallery about a nude model position. Obviously it's ok for him to go take pictures of hookers and skanky drunk girls, but if I want to wrestle around w/ some guys then all of a sudden it's a big deal. LOL.

I got up and worked out this morning and I made some oatmeal. mmmm. I can't wait to get on my bike and ride to work! I am trying to find a second job. I just want something partime to keep me busy and to give me more money for the next few months until school starts. I have decided to count my weight watcher's points again. I let myself slide too often.

What the hell is wrong w/ blogger? It's pissing me off.

Work sucked today, although I did get to go to one of the buildings for an hour. P. is quitting and her last day is either tomorrow or the day after that. How I am going to handle it after she leaves I don't know. I am going to have to do her crap and I don't even really know what she does! I have also decided that I am going to ride my bike to work from now on. I had to walk home today because I was tired of waiting for the damn bus. It's alright though, I was really just looking for an excuse to start sooner than later. Well I am gonna make some food and then ride my bike to the container store and then maybe meet up w/ Ralph. Oh I was going to work out today but I am still really sore from riding my bike yesterday and then climbing up all those damn stairs. I will get up tomorrow and work out though, no matter what!

What a day! Woke up and had sex, got some breakfast at SWK (mmmmm frenchtoast!) then I about killed Jamie because he said he would go ride bikes w/ me and then said that he wanted to take a nap even though we already discussed going to take a nap at the park, then Ross came over and made us laugh. We finally went for a bike ride in this beautiful weather after I dropped a total of 200 bucks on my damn bike. We rode up to the zoo and watched the monkeys for awhile. We then headed toward this little hole in the wall hotdog place. MMMMMMMM. After that we rode back to the zoo and cuddled under a blanket at the park. At that point it was pretty damn chilly. We stopped by Walgreens to pick up some icey hot (I got the deoderant stick kind so my hand doesn't get all nasty) and now I am making dinner (steaks, w/ baked potatoes) and then I am gonna watch a movie before I pass out. What single person w/o kids could ask for a better day? And I even got some reading in. This is what I call a Sunday

My day started out pretty good, woke up next to Jamie telling me how he wanted to stay in bed w/ me all day. Then my belly spoke up and said "Hey, I'm hungry" (and we all know the belly wins everytime, check out the before pictures people) so I went to make french toast, but the pan sucked. And my day starts to take a turn for the worse. Jamie came into the kitchen and took over. He asked for my recipe and then proceeded to ignore everything I said so I left the room. We ate and then I went to get ready so I could take my bike to the shop. Jamie yelled up the stairs to tell me to get down there and clean the livingroom where we camped out. After I did that and waited on him for about 20 minutes, he was finally ready. He then tells me that I have half an hour. I asked "What?" He told me that we were on his schedule. I told him nevermind and I would go by myself. I get there and he comes up behind me. After we leave he asks if I still want a ride to my old apartment, I told hime again to forget it and I would go by myself. I have a feeling that once he gets home we will get in a fight over this. I don't really care right now because he was so rude to me most of the morning.

I went to my old apartment to clean up but I was so tired I fell asleep, then when I woke up it was getting late so I went to get some food at Melrose. The weirdest thing happened. I ran into a friend from home! She moved up here last weekend, but I had forgotten all about it. We exchanged numbers and then I left. I went back to the bike store and dropped my bike off. I can't wait to pick it up in the morning. I rode it over to the store and I remembered how freakin fun it is to ride a bike! Tomorrow I plan on paying my late fees at the library and cleaning my room and riding my bike.

Damn, I had a post about how awesome my day was and then Blogger ate it.

Seriously fate must be laughing....


Today before 9 o'clock Pauline said that she thinks I think too much. Ok I am really curious about this now. She is about the 3rd or 4th person to say this to me. What the hell does it mean? How much does a normal person think? What constitutes as too much thinking? It's so weird. I can't wrap my mind around that concept. I just want to know what the hell it means and why the hell everyone thinks I do it. Apparently it is damn obvious. How do people not think too much? I'm curious

Excessive cursing from a lonely and tired girl

I swear my life must be pretty damn amusing to someone. I am so sick of people thinking that they can just tell me all this shit that's wrong w/ me. So what if I have a god damn fucking flaw! I am tired of finding something that is wrong w/ me (usually by a "friend" telling me something they don't like about me) and then reading every fucking book I can get my hands on to try and fix it or fretting over it to no end or running out and fixing it as soon as I fucking can

• overthinking
• anxiety
• not standing up for myself
• procrastinating
• being too messy
• not being focused
• being fat
• being too skinny
• not having my hair perfect
• not being responsible enough
• not wearing enough make-up
• wearing too much make-up
• having too many zits
• not having a good enough body
• being too sensitive
• not being sensitive enough

All of this is just bullshit opinions! I am tired of trying to be perfect. I am sick of worrying about my flaws and what's wrong with me. I guess that's the reason I stopped having friends along time ago, it's not because I wasn't good enough to be friends with, it's because I didn't want people to fucking constantly judge me. No fucking wonder I am so scared shitless of rejection!!!! EVERYONE FUCKING REJECTS ME. I am not good enough for anyone. No one on this god forsaken planet likes me just the way I am. Everyone has to chime in with their "how to improve Elisha tips" The only time someone tells me something nice about me is when they want something. I am not a fucking puppet. I am not clay for someone to come along and mold. Ya know what? I like to fucking complain. I like to bitch when someone pisses me off and if you don't like it then that's your problem, not mine. I don't need to go out and fix it. I don't need to jump when you say jump. Any time I have ever let anyone get close to me and shown the real me they automatically start tearing away at what they don't like. I can not name one person in my whole life who hasn't done that. Someone that I have trusted, that knew the real 3D me, and didn't do that. Well ya know what I LIKE ME! AS A MATTER OF FUCKING FACT I LOVE ME. I like that I lost 50 lbs no matter what my body looks like now, I like that I moved to Chicago all by myself, I like that I bounce back like a god damn super ball and I like that I don't let someone work me to the fucking bone if I am sick. I think I might even like that not everyone likes me. I don't want Hitler to fucking like me. I like that there is a shit load of stuff "wrong" with me. So what if I bitch about stuff. So what if I don't have the tits that a 22 yr old should have. So what if I don't live up to anyone else's standards but my own. So fuck everyone who thinks that I should change something about myself or that they have free reign to tell me what's wrong w/ me. If that's a little abusive I don't care because constantly telling someone that you "love" that something is wrong with them is pretty fucking abusive. Let's look at the bright side. At least I am not a serial killer, or a sociopath, or molesting little kids. I am just a 22 yr old girl who needs someone to actually care about her and for once just let her be. No wonder I have spent all these yrs w/ only one person at a time being close to. Any more and I would have felt as crazy as I do now. I would have been torn in so many directions. I do need to be a gypsy. Only staying long enough in one place to barely scratch the surface of the people there. Don't get me wrong. I like self-improvement and I like making myself a better person, but I need a damn break. The last almost 2 yrs have been about discovering who I am and trying to get my shit together. I am barely any closer to getting my shit together than I was 2 yrs ago. As a matter of fact in most cases I might be further away. Like my love life. What the fuck am I doing? But other places I am slightly better, working out, eating right, my money. (I said slightly) at least in those places I am no worse. The one resounding place that I know I am different....I just want to relax and be me. I don't want to fix any of my flaws right now. I want to take what I have and find a life that fits that, not find a me that fits someone else's life. I just want to be at peace with myself. I have always wanted peace w/in myself but I always thought that I had to change something about myself to get it. I do and I don't. What I have to change is my response to people telling my I need to change. I need to like myself just the way I am on the inside. Now why do I find the need to go and get a book to help me do this ;-D just kidding

P.S. I do like constructive critiscism, but like I said I need a break. Plus (and here's a hint) if you find yourself constructively critiscizing someone make sure you let them know the goodstuff about them too, that's why it's constructive and not just critiscism, good and bad (remember that people).

Today I am at one of the buildings filling in. The security guards are
so nice! I started coughing really bad and one went to Walgreens and
bought me a bottle of water and a banana. I love bananas!

I feel so much better today! I did some yoga this morning and I feel
great! I am so proud of myself. I can't wait until tomorrow to get up and
excercise. I can't believe how awake I am considering I was up at 3:30.
It is so slow at this building. At least there's a walgreens in the
building so on my lunch I am going to go and buy a weightwatcher's meal
and a diet mt dew. .

Jamie is mad at me again. Last night I was feeling sick so I asked him
to throw my closein the wash. He said ok and then I went downstairs to
fill up my water glass because I have been waking up in the middle of
the night w/ a really bad sore throat and coughing. I wantedt o have
enoguh water to take my new medicine. (I need a whole glass) and I wanted
to have enough to stop coughing. Well Jamie was still down there
putting my clothes in when I went downstairs and I guess he got mad that I
went downstairs. He said that I could put my clothes in myself if I felt
well enough to come downstairs for some water. He went upstairs and
after I got my water I did too. When I got to the top of the stairs he
told me that I better put soap in the wash before I come upstairs. I did
not feel like going back down so I said forget it. I went into my room
and the window was open w/ the fan in it, which caused my door to slam
shut. He came in my room and told me that he was going to do it and that
I was really pissing him off. I told him that I said to forget it and
that I would take care of it. He insisted on doing it and then slammed
the door. I think that the wind slammed the door, but I am not 100%
sure. I emailed him and told him that if he didn't want to do it then he
shouldn't have said he would and I told him that I didn't slam the door,
the wind grabbed it.

I am still dreaming of the steak I made last night. I broiled it, and
then I made fettucini and spinage noodles w/ a parmesan sauce and some
corn. It was YUMMY! I love steak. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I have unfortunately been up since 3:30 this morning. Luckily I feel much better than I have been. Since it's almost six now I think I will just use this opportunity and try to do some yoga. I am going to be dead tired today, but hopefully that will just mean that I sleep like a rock tonight.

I get to go to my building for work today and great all the tenants as they come in. At least I will be out of the office for the day. Hopefully they have our chairs set up.

I finally went and talked to a pharmasist yesterday and she told me a better cough seprecent. I went and got it today. (I also slept from 7 last night to noon except for 1 hour that I was up coughing.) While I was at Walgreens I picked up some more make-up because there was a huge sale. I also got this chemical peel get so maybe my skin will look better after I use it. I also went on peapod.com and ordered my groceries. I am going to try 2 new weightwatcher recipes and I got some weighwatchers frozen dinners and icecream. Now I plan on taking a hot bath and read my book. I feel so good today after sleeping so much and taking that new medicine. I am also going to lay in bed all afternoon and then make a very easy supper and maybe eat out on my balcony to get some fresh air.


Also my paycheck wasn't direct deposited into my account this month. I wonder what that crap was all about.

I am so damn sick. I went to work today after a 20 minute pep talk from Jamie, while I sat there and coughed my lungs out. I really wish I could just get better. L. sat there all day and told me I should just suck it up and that I should have worn make up today and that I need to exercise and eat right and take vitamins so I can work. Ms. P. offered to have her Dr. write me a prescription. I got so much shit because I was sick. I was ready to just say fuck it, but for some unknown reason I didn't. I went to my building and talked w/ the 2 ladies I will be working with and had a better time. That gave me some hope that I might last a little while longer. I am getting ready to go to bed for the night (at 7).

Last night on the way home from visiting my family Jamie and I stopped off to see his brother and his girlfriend. It was a lot of fun. I wish they lived up here.

I hope that once I get better that I have more energy so I can actually start having some fun. I am so happy that the weather is warming up!