and now my friends are hiding stuff from me. I am just sick of trying so hard. All this shit happens over and over and I am so sick of dealing w/ the same stuff and going through the same shit but w/ different people or in a different fucking zip code. I don't lie to any one, I don't keep stuff from any of my friends, I try to be a good person and treat the people I care about good, I guess I just can't get it right. I was already feeling like shit before I found out about this new crap and now it's just like why bother. I know this probably sounds like trivial problems to alot of people, but this is so hard for me. my whole life i have just wanted people to care about me and whenever I think I have found some one or a few people, who I think care about me and who I care about so much, the same shit comes up. Maybe it is all in my fucking head but that just makes it worse because I don't know what the fuck to believe and what the fuck is just in my head. I don't know what's real. The only thing that I fucking feel is pain. I can't stop it. I can't just say ok this is nonsense and move on, because it always pops back up. I have tried. Maybe I am fucking paranoid too because when I find out someone has kept something from me or lied to me then it's like what the hell else are they hiding? Do they even really like me? Are they talking about me behind my back? I mean it all snowballs. And all of those questions are from shit that has happened along time ago. I just want someone who loves me unconditionally forever, and I never had any one to do that. The 2 people who were supposed to do that are dead and they didn't do it when they were alive. I really feel like there is never going to be any one to love me unconditionally and I am always going to be alone w/ no one to support me, like I missed my chance. there's no place I can get that except from myself but I don't know how. fuck maybe I should read some more of my book. lol. I need an appointment w/ my dr. I think I am going crazy.